The perfect plan
by bakaatje
Summary: Set after the episode that aired on friday 8th june, Ste thinks he outplayed Brendan but what if Brendan had it all planned out from the start?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Brendan was sitting in his office, feet on his desk. A week had passed since Steven had given him the letter and while he took a sip from his whiskey he read the letter, what was probably around the thirtieth time.

_Dear Brendan,_

_This is a love letter. I'm writing it because I'm happier than I've ever been, your actions in the last few days have had a life changing effect on me; they made me feel stronger than I ever have before. You decided that you wanted me and you claimed me as your own. You beat every last bit of self respect out of me until I didn't know who I was anymore. Do you know how long it takes to get over that? I started to wonder if that day would ever come, but it turns out…its today. Like I said this is a love letter but it's not to you. Your money's gone; you'll never get it back. And that goes double for me._

Ste

When he was done reading, he opened a drawer in his desk and put the letter underneath a few maps. He didn't need it anyway, he had read the letter so often that he had completely memorized it. _Your money's gone; you'll never get it back. _He couldn't help himself but feel a little bit proud of Steven. This time he really had managed to overplay Brendan, well that's at least what he thought he did.

Brendan stood up and walked out of his office only to find a very worried looking Cheryl.

"Everything alright Chez"? Brendan asked her.

"Well, yes, but uhm... I saw Ste today and…". She nervously licked her lips

"And?" He said annoyed when she didn't continue.

"Well...".

"Just say what you've got to say, it can't be that bad," Brendan said, starting to feel a little bit worried that something might have happened to Steven.

"He and Doug are back together," she said, worried about how Brendan might react.

Brendan was silent for a moment before he said: "You didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know".

"Oh, well, I was worried that you wouldn't take the news very well".

"What did you expect me to do? To kidnap Douglas, lock him up in the cellar and in the meantime take advantage of a worried sick Steven and talk my way into his bed again"?

She looked like she actually believed that he would do such a thing.

"Really Chez"?

"Well, you once said to me that you would do anything for the people you love, even if they don't see it is for their own good".

He looked at Cheryl for a moment before he said: "Shouldn't you get to Uni before two AM"?

Cheryl looked at her watch and saw she had only five minutes left.

"Oh, dammit, I'm gonna be late," she said while walking to the door. She opened it and turned around to look at Brendan. "Don't do anything stupid, okay love"?

Brendan grinned at her and said: "You know me Cheryl, I never do anything stupid".

She looked at him for a moment longer, like she wanted to make sure he really meant it and then she walked out of the club. Leaving Brendan with nothing but his thoughts once again.

Brendan took a clean glass from the bar and got himself another whiskey while listening to Cheryl's fading steps. She was right though, he really would do anything for the people he loved, the sad thing was that most of the time they didn't understand it was for their own good.

Brendan walked back to his office and sat down in his chair. _Your money's gone; you'll never get it back and that goes double for me._ Steven really thought he had played a smart game. He got his Deli without having to pay Brendan back and he got hislover Douglas. Steven would never think that in the end it was just Brendan who had really won. The moment he saw Steven and Douglas kiss, a plan had gotten into his head. Soon he started to put his plan to work. It was easy to get Douglas scared enough to make sure he would tell his secret to Steven. After that, making sure Steven signed the contract and even getting Steven into the restaurant had not been that difficult. He only had to find a way to let Steven find out he had booked a room for the two of them. And when Steven had insisted on ordering the fish, Brendan knew how to let him know.

The next day all he needed to do was tell Steven how he felt and to his own surprise it was easier to find the right words to say then he had thought it would be. Of course he didn't look at Steven one single time, because it was essential that Steven thought that every single word Brendan said was a lie.

After that he needed a little patience and soon his patience was rewarded when Steven came to him and told him he wanted him back, but only on one condition. And Brendan had to admit that Steven played his part very well, he would almost believe everything Steven said, but of course Brendan knew it were all just lies. When Steven kissed him, it felt like all the passion and desire that Brendan had locked away for months, came back to him all at once and it took all his strength not to take Steven by his arm and drag him to the closest place where they could be alone and Brendan could do all the things that he had dreamed about doing for months. But he pushed away his feelings and seeing Douglas face after their kiss made him enjoy everything even more.

A few moments later he saw Steven again and knowing that after today he wouldn't be able to kiss Steven for a long time, he gave into his feelings and kissed him once again. And he had to admit that seeing Amy's shocked face was quite funny. After that he and Steven went back to the club to sign the new papers. Brendan had planned everything days ago so the new papers were already there. After signing them he kissed Steven for the last time, but Steven broke of the kiss, probably because, knowing Steven, he was starting to feel guilty about what he had done.

Steven left and Brendan watched him walking away and soon after that he stood up to walk home, wondering how Steven would let Brendan know he had played him. When he found the letter at his house he got his question answered.

Brendan took a sip from his whiskey and smiled to himself about how good everything had worked out. The first step in his plan had worked out perfectly and he knew it would take quite some time and a lot of patience, but in the end he would get Steven back and if that meant that Steven had to be together with Douglas for a while, then Brendan was okay with that. Even though he hated the thought of Douglas and Steven together.

He stood up and walked out of the club onto the balcony, it was his favorite place because he could watch out over the whole village, like a king watching his kingdom.

At that moment he saw Steven walking hand in hand with Douglas. Douglas was talking and Steven smiled as if he was happy. Immediately Brendan felt the jealousy and anger rise into his chest and his hands tightened their grip on the railing. But he knew if he would go down there now and beat up Douglas he would ruin all of his chances with Steven. No, he needed to be patient, after all it was for the greater good.

At that precise moment Steven looked up, as if he knew Brendan was watching him and their eyes met. Brendan felt his heart starting to beat faster and his hands gripped the railing even tighter. He felt the burning desire in every part of his body and he knew that Steven felt it too.

Douglas didn't seem to notice and kept on chatting cheerfully, while Steven kept on looking at Brendan until he was out of sight.

When Steven was out of sight Brendan let his grip on the railing go and he took a deep breath of air. Brendan smiled at himself. Steven still had feelings for him, he didn't want them and he tried to push them away, but they were still there. It made his plan even easier than he had thought it would be. Brendan guessed it was time for step two…


	2. Chapter 2

**I wanted to thank everyone for their lovely reviews and everyone who gives a few minutes of their time to read this story. I really appreciate it :)**

**Chapter 2**

Ste woke up the next morning in an empty bed. It had been like this for months now, but the difference was that since a week he had a boyfriend and he was still sleeping alone. Doug wasn't ready yet and Ste could understand it, but it had been such a long time, that he actually woke up next to someone that he was disappointed everyday that, when he woke up, there was no one next to him.

He got out of bed, put on some clothes and walked into the kitchen.

"Morning Amy," he said while picking up Leah for a big bear hug.

"Morning Ste, how was your date yesterday"? She asked without looking at him.

"It was great," Ste said. He put Leah down and sat down at the table to eat his breakfast. Yesterday he and Doug had gone out for lunch together. It had been their first date since they got back together, because the deli had been really busy the whole week, so they hadn't had the time to do something together earlier.

The truth was that it had been great, until he had seen Brendan standing on the balcony, looking at them. Well, looking at him. The way Brendan had looked at him… It still gave him the chills thinking about it. After that Ste had been totally distracted, but luckily for him, Doug hadn't noticed.

But he knew Amy didn't want to hear any of that, so he kept his mouth shut. He knew that Amy was kind of disappointed in him anyway. Of course she had seen him and Brendan kiss and it took him a lot of persuasion to make her believe that he was not back together with Brendan. Then she had asked him why they had kissed and Ste couldn't do anything but tell her the truth. He had never seen her so mad before.

The rest of the meal they ate in silence. When Ste finished his breakfast, he stood up and said: "I have to go to work now, so I'll see you later".

"Alright. I've got to bring the kids to school and after that I've got to go straight to work. So I'll see you tonight," Amy said.

"Yeah, have fun on your date with Ally".

"I will," she said with a smile. After a week of barely talking to him, this was a big improvement

Ste kissed the kids goodbye, put on his jacket, took his bag, went outside and made his way to the deli.

xXx

Amy watched how Ste walked away and when he was out of sight, she closed the door. She was still mad at him. When Ste told her what he had done, all she could do was feel sorry for Brendan. She knew that Ste never really understood how much Brendan loved him and that he would do anything for him. When she saw him and Brendan kiss, she had been very shocked and upset. And when Ste told her they weren't back together she felt really relieved, but when he told her what he had done to Brendan, she was shocked. Ste used Brendan and Brendan's love for him to get rid of the deli's debt and after that, he just went straight back to Doug. Like he didn't care how Brendan must feel right now. Brendan gave him his trust and in order to do the right thing, he even wiped their debt of 80.000 grand like it meant nothing at all. Knowing Brendan it probably meant nothing at all, but still. Even Brendan didn't deserve all of this.

xXx

When Ste arrived at the Deli, he opened the door and put on the lights. Doug was picking up some deliveries, so Ste was alone the whole morning for the first time this week. This gave him enough time to over think last week's events.

When he found out that Doug had lent the money for the deli from Brendan, it felt like everything he had accomplished, since Brendan had fired him, was undone. He thought he finally made it on his own, without any help. He thought he was finally free from Brendan, but it were all lies. He had wanted to prove to people that he would be able to make it on his own, he had wanted to prove it to himself, but most of all, he had wanted to prove it to Brendan Brady.

Ste had felt hurt and betrayed. He had been sooo freaking angry at Doug. He had ruined everything. Everything Ste had worked on for months, didn't mean anything anymore because in the end it was just Brendan who owned his life _again_.

But then Brendan came to him the next day and offered him a new contract, he wanted to be a silent partner. And Brendan told him that he was fine with being a silent partner, because he and Doug had managed to run the Deli without his help until now, so he didn't see why that needed to change. After that Brendan had even invited him for dinner and to Ste's own surprise he agreed to have dinner with him.

It was kind of uncomfortable and weird to be sitting with his ex-lover in a restaurant, but Ste had to admit to himself that he had enjoyed it. Brendan wasn't the worst thinkable company and Ste had even managed to make a few jokes that made Brendan laugh. Of course this couldn't last, because he was with Brendan Brady after all. When Ste realized Brendan had ordered the steak behind his back, he felt disappointed and angry at the same time. He told Brendan he needed to go to the toilet and walked away. When he walked towards the exit, he suddenly remembered those few times Brendan had gotten him drunk and into his bed. So he asked a waiter if Mr. Brady had booked a room for tonight and, not to his surprise, he had. This made Ste feel even angrier. Did Brendan really think that after everything that had happened between them, he would be so stupid to fall for his tricks again?

Ste walked out of the restaurant, without looking back.

The next day Brendan came to him and he told him how he felt." _I'm exhausted,"_ he said. Ste knew Brendan was lying, because he couldn't even look at Ste when he said all those things. In the end it was all just a game for Brendan. Ste knew Brendan cared for him, but he also knew that Brendan only wanted him back because he had seen him kiss Doug the other week. Ste once had believed Brendan could change and he had believed they could be in a real relationship. But that believe was gone now. It was too late. At the moment Brendan walked out of the deli, Ste suddenly knew what he needed to do, how he and Doug could be freed from Brendan for good.

He later went to Brendan, told him what he wanted and even kissed him. The moment their lips came together, a burning desire went through every part of his body. But he knew Doug was watching and he knew how it felt to watch the person you love, kiss somebody else, so he broke of the kiss. To Ste's surprise Brendan agreed with his condition and they went to the club immediately to sign the new papers. At the moment he needed to sign, he started to feel guilty about using Brendan and he wondered if he was really willing to go through with it. He was wondering if he really could play Brendan. But Brendan told him to sign. So Ste did what Brendan Brady wanted him to do for the very last time.

xXx

That evening Brendan walked down the stairs of Chez Chez in a bad mood. It had been a horrible day at work. Cheryl had forgotten to order whiskey and beer, so Brendan had to do extra orders which cost him a lot of money that he could have spend better, Mercedes couldn't stop complaining about the fact that Lynsey and Riley were together, which had given Brendan a headache and some stupid customer had spilled his drink over Brendan's brand new suit. Well, that guy wouldn't show up at Chez Chez any time soon. Brendan had made sure of that.

Cheryl told him to go home early, probably because she was afraid that if the evening would continue like this, not everyone would make it out of there alive. At first he didn't want to go but she reassured him that she and Mercedes could handle it and Brendan had something he needed to do anyway, so he decided that he could take the evening off.

When Brendan arrived at his destination he knocked on the door and after a few seconds it was opened by Texas. She looked unhappily surprised seeing him standing at the door.

"What can I do for you Brendan"? She asked him.

'I would like to have a word with Douglas," he said. She looked like she wanted to close the door in his face, so he said: "I think he would like to hear what I've got to say".

He saw her doubting for a few seconds more, but then she said: "Alright then, I'll get him for you". She walked away and a minute later Douglas appeared in the door entrance, looking all dressed up.

"Going somewhere"? Brendan asked, referring to Douglas clothes.

"I'm going to have dinner at Ste's"

'Well that's adorable. I guess Steven really found his prince on the white...". He looked at Douglas from head to toe and said: "Pony".

"What..."? Douglas muttered, looking confused.

"You're not really tall, are you? I think a pony suits with your length".

Douglas, realizing Brendan was making fun of him, said: "What do you want Brendan"?

"Well, I came here to give you a love letter".

"A... what..."? Douglas asked looking even more confused than before.

"You're really having difficult time understanding me tonight eh, hard day at work"? He said, while taking Douglas hand, putting the letter in it and closing his fingers around it. "Enjoy your dinner," he said while turning around and walking away.

"Uhm, Brendan..."? Doug said wondering if he would live to regret what he was about to say.

Brendan turned around to face him.

"Yeah"?

"I'm sorry, if Ste and I hurt you with our actions".

"Hurt me…".

For one moment it was totally silent and then Brendan burst out in laughter.

Doug cringed when Brendan started laughing. He kept on hearing the sound of Brendan's laugh long after it faded. He already regretted his words.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Doug walked fast towards Ste's house, holding the letter in his hands. He looked at his watch and saw he was fifteen minutes late already, because of Brendan's visit. He shook his head in annoyance, he had promised Ste he would be there in time. Two minutes later he arrived at Ste's. He knocked on the door. While waiting for Ste to open up, he wondered if he should give Ste the letter or not. He didn't want to ruin their evening, but the last time he'd kept a secret from Ste, he'd nearly lost him and he didn't want to lose him again. Before Doug could make a decision, the door was opened by Ste, who gave him a quick kiss on the lips, before pulling him inside.

"You're late," he said, while walking back into the kitchen.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that," Doug said. He took off his coat and put it on one of the chairs. He put the letter into his pocket and walked into the kitchen.

"You want some wine?" Ste asked, while taking two glasses out of a cabinet and putting them on the counter.

"Yes, please."

Ste grabbed a bottle of wine and filled the two glasses, he gave one of them to Doug.

Doug watched how Ste continued to cut the tomatoes and Doug made a decision.

Doug took a sip and said: "The reason why I am so late is…"

"Don't worry about it. I hadn't finished anyway."

"Yeah, but…"

"Will you put these on the table please?" Ste asked, while giving him two plates.

"Of course." He took the plates and put them on the table in the living room. "Is there anything else I can do?" Doug asked.

"No, I have everything under control," Ste said, while giving Doug a smile.

"Okay," Doug said nervously. His mouth suddenly felt very dry, so he took another sip of his drink and watched how Ste finished the last details for the dinner. He rubbed his hands nervously and said:

"Uhm, Ste?"

"Yes?"

"Well.." He cleared his throat.

Ste presumably noticed that Doug sounded kind of nervous cause he looked up and said: "What is it Doug?"

"Brendan came to visit me today."

"What did he want this time?!" Ste asked. He looked annoyed at the mention of Brendan's name.

"He came to give me this." Doug took the letter out of his pocket and held it, out so Ste could take it.

Ste looked at the letter like it was on fire. "Why would he give you a letter?"

"I don't know," Doug answered, a little uncomfortable.

Ste looked away from the letter and into the distance. It felt like Ste was looking at something only he could see. Doug felt like a year past by before he heard Ste's voice. It was filled with an emotion he couldn't quite place.

"What does it say?" Ste asked without looking at the letter or Doug.

"I don't know, I haven't opened it yet, it is for you."

"How do you know that?"

"Because it has your name written on it."

xXx

Ste took the letter out of Doug's hand and walked into the living room. Doug was right, the letter was addressed to him. _STEVEN,_ was written on the envelop, in Brendan's perfect handwriting. For one second he doubted if he should open it, but then his curiosity took over and he opened the envelop. He took out the letter and read:

_Dear Steven,_

_Okay_

_Brendan_

Ste blinked his eyes and felt confused. Okay? What was that supposed to mean? He turned the letter around to see if there was written more on the other side, but it was blank. All it said was _okay_. Was this one of Brendan's weird mind games? He felt the anger rise in his chest. Why could Brendan not leave him alone for once in his live? What was he supposed to do with this? His eyes went over the letter again en Ste was trying to understand what Brendan meant by it. He was so lost in thought, that he didn't even notice that someone was standing next to him, until he felt a hand upon his shoulder.

"And?" Doug asked. He had followed him into the living room.

"It's nothing important," Ste said. "let's eat."

"But-"

"Just leave it Doug," Ste snapped. He heard the anger in his own voice and he saw Doug's hurt and shocked face, so he said, a little politer. "Please."

Doug looked like he wanted to say something, but Ste made sure he couldn't, by leaving the living room and walking back into the kitchen.

"Dinner's ready," Ste said. "Are you coming or not?"

Doug hesitated for a moment longer, but then he remembered that he'd decided that he would not let Brendan ruin his relationship and he followed Ste into the kitchen.

xXx

Ste let the water, he used for the dishes, drain away. He watched how the water slowly disappeared and he wished the same would happen to his thoughts. He put the clean plates and glasses into a cabin and grabbed a bottle of beer out of the fridge. He had done all the possible cleaning he could think off and there was really nothing left to do. So he sat down at the couch and put on the telly.

He tried to concentrate on some boring talk show, but soon his thoughts wandered off to some stupid, annoying, manipulating Irish man. Once again Brendan Brady had managed to ruin his evening.

The evening with Doug hadn't been that bad, but all he had been thinking of was the meaning of the letter. And he was sure that all that Doug had thought about was what was written in the letter. He and Doug had had a date and all they had been thinking about was Brendan! This thought made him even more angry. That man always managed to control him. Even now, when he was finally free, Brendan still managed to let him think about nothing else but him. Maybe it was time to do something about that.

xXx

Ste almost ran the stairs of Chez Chez and pushed the door open. He looked around, there were a few people in the club, but Brendan was not one of them. Luckily Cheryl was behind the bar so he crossed the room in a few steps. He noticed that his hands were clenched into fists, so he forced them to relax and put them in his pockets. He tried not to sound to angry, when he said:

"Where is he?"

Cheryl looked up, surprised to see him, and asked: "Who love?"

"Who do you think? the postman," Ste snapped.

She lifted her eyebrows and said: "Someone is in a bad mood."

"I'm sorry. It's just…" Ste sighed: "Is he here or not?"

"Want do you want from him?" she asked.

Ste looked up, hearing something in her voice, it almost sounded angry. But why would she… He suddenly realized why.

"He told you," he said forgetting his anger, feeling guilty all of a sudden.

"Of course he told me. He is my brother." she shook her head, like she still couldn't believe it. "How could you do that to him?"

"I'm… I am sorry about what I did to him."

"You stole 80.000 grand from him and you're sorry. Really?" she looked at him in disbelief. "Sorry doesn't even come close.''

"I know what I did was wrong, but he didn't give me a choice," Ste said. This was a hopeless conversation. He knew he could never make her understand why he had done what he had done. There was no point trying.

"You always have a choice," Cheryl said. "And you made the wrong one. Do you have any idea how much you have hurt him?"

Ste closed his eyes and sighed. Her words hurt him more then she could imagine. All the anger had disappeared and all he could feel was guilt and pain. Guilt, because of what he had done, he had used Brendan. And Pain, because Brendan was hurt and the thought of a hurt Brendan, hurt him.

"Can you tell me where he is? Please," he almost begged her.

"Why do you want to see him anyway?" she asked.

Hearing those words, suddenly made him realize why he came here in the first place. Brendan wrote him a letter. Brendan tried to interfere in his life once again. Brendan didn't deserve his pity or his guilt. He didn't have to feel sorry for that man after everything he had done to hurt Ste. After all the broken promises. He deserved everything Ste had done to him and probably even more.

"He isn't here, is he?" Ste asked and without waiting for an answer, he turned around and walked out of the club.

xXx

Ste knocked at the door, harder then he normally would have done. After a few seconds it was opened and Brendan leaned casually at the doorpost. Ste pushed his way past him and walked inside. He turned around to face the taller man.

"What is this supposed to mean?" Ste asked, while holding out the letter.

Brendan closed the door, without breaking his eye contact with Ste and said: "Good evening Brendan. Good evening Steven, How is your day? Great, how's yours?. Yeah its good. Well, I am glad to hear that."

"Just stop it, will ya," Ste said, unable to keep the anger out of his voice.

"I am just trying to have a polite conversation here, that's all," Brendan said, raising an eyebrow.

"Like I said," Ste snapped, ignoring Brendan's words. "What's this supposed to mean?"

"Read it again, Steven. It makes perfect sense to me." Brendan leaned against the door, both arms and legs crossed. He was wearing his black jeans and a tight dark blue shirt. Ste had to admit that Brendan looked good in it.

He greeted his teeth, annoyed that he was distracted by Brendan looks. He said even sharper: "One word, that's all you've got to say?"

"It only takes one word."

"What do you want Brendan?"

"Want? You wrote me a letter, I just wrote one back. That's all Steven."

"Just leave me alone."

"Okay," Brendan said.

Ste felt his frustration and anger grow at Brendan's comment. Okay?! That's all he had to say? Okay?! That man was totally unbelievable! Ste closed his eyes, trying to control his frustration. He took a deep breath and slowly opened his eyes. Brendan hadn't moved an inch. His face was as unreadable as always. Ste couldn't help, but wonder what was going on in his head. It wasn't the first time he wondered that…

What was he even doing here? Brendan wasn't going to tell what he meant with _okay_. He was just trying to mess with Ste's head as usual. He wanted answers, but all he got were even more questions.

"I guess…" Ste cleared his throat and said: "I guess I better go."

"That's probably a good idea since its almost midnight," Brendan said, while moving away from the door so Ste could leave.

Ste looked at him for a last time, before he walked past him, opened the door en left the house.

xXx

Brendan didn't move, until he heard the door click in the lock. Then he walked, at his ease, to the chair he had been sitting in, before Steven came at his door. He stood still by the table, closed the laptop, he had been working on, and walked into the kitchen. He found a bottle of whiskey and a glass and took them with him to the table, where he sat down and poured himself a glass. While taking a sip, he looked at the closed door. It was funny how hard Steven fought against his feelings. Even though Steven would never admit it to himself, he still cared for Brendan. Brendan was sure of that. The way his eyes went over Brendan's body occasionally, even when he didn't want it and fought against it, spoke for itself. This made Brendan even more determined that his plan should succeed.

Steven had looked confused, angry and frustrated. Steven was so easy to read. Always had been. In some ways this made him more vulnerable, but Brendan loved this about him. When Steven had looked at him the way he had… It made Brendan's heart beat faster. All he had wanted to do was to cross the distance between them and take Steven in his arms. Steven had still such a big influence on him and he wasn't even aware. He wanted Steven so badly. He closed his eyes knowing this was gonna take a lot of time and patience. He could barely stop himself today, let alone for months.

He put the cold glass against his forehead. The third step was going to be a lot harder than the second step. But the good thing was… he put the glass on the table and a slight smile crossed his face.

The second step was completed.


	4. Chapter 4

**While writing this I was listening to **_**and then I kissed him**_** from pearl harbor and I guess I got a bit carried away, especially while writing Ste' s thoughts. **

**But I hope you still like it, I do still love writing this! :D anyway here's chapter 4. Enjoy! **

**Chapter 4**

_Three months later_

Ste put the sign on the door from closed to open and yawned. It was nine in the morning and he was exhausted already. Yesterday Lucas had been ill and he had to stay awake half the night because the boy couldn't sleep. And now he had overslept so he had been an hour to late. He walked to the counter, grabbed some lettuce and cut it in pieces. While he was busy, a few customers walked inside but before he could even say something, Doug walked in from behind and started to help them.

When the customers had left the deli, Doug said: "I think it's gonna be a quiet day today."

Ste looked up from his salad and said: "I think your right, it has been quiet all week."

"Yeah."

It was silent again and Ste could see that Doug was looking for something to say, but couldn't come up with anything. They worked side by side in silence for a few minutes. Eventually Doug said: "I'm gonna pick up some deliveries and I will be back around lunchtime."

"Okay," Ste replied.

Doug went behind, while taking off his apron. After a minute he walked back with his jacket on. "If it's getting busy after all you'll just have to call me, alright?"

"I will be fine, Doug."

Doug nodded.

They looked at each other and Doug opened his mouth to say something but no words came out, so he closed it again. Ste bit his lip uncomfortable as the silence continued.

Eventually Doug said: "I'll see you later then."

"Yeah, later," Ste said, relieved that Doug broke the silence.

Doug lent forward for a kiss, but Ste had his eyes on the salad again so the kiss landed on his cheek. Ste looked up surprised, he hadn't expected Doug to kiss him, just to see Doug turn around with a red face and leave the deli.

Ste sighed, while he looked at the closed door. It wasn't the way it was supposed to be, not the way he'd thought it would be. It was hard to imagine that it was only three months ago, that they had gotten together. It had been so good, in the beginning, just the two of them, laughing and talking.

And Brendan had actually done what Ste had asked him to do. He left them alone. He hadn't seen Brendan for almost two months. Ste knew Brendan had left for Barcelona three weeks ago and he had no idea if he was back or not. But even before he had left, he had barely seen him.

The first days after his visit to Brendan, Ste was nervous, waiting for something, waiting for Brendan to do something. But nothing happened. Doug suggested that maybe Brendan finally gave up, finally moved on. But Ste couldn't believe it. Brendan wouldn't just give up, right? But after a month of nothing more than a nod of Brendan's head as they walked in on each other, even Ste had to admit that Brendan really did his best to leave him alone.

So Ste threw himself full in his relationship with Doug. He tried to push all thoughts of Brendan far away and to his surprise it seemed to work. He had fun with Doug and after two weeks they had sex together for the first time. It was romantic and sweet and Ste couldn't remember ever being so loved. He actually became aware of the fact that if live would stay like this forever there was a chance of real happiness he never even imagined he could get.

But seven weeks ago everything started to change. At first it were only little things that started to irritate him, like Doug forgetting to hang his jacket upon the coat rack, biting his nails when he was nervous and always being too late for their dates. One evening they had a fight about Doug walking in with muddy feet while Ste had just cleaned the floor. He got angry with Doug and fifteen minutes later Doug left the house, confused and upset. Once Doug was gone Ste realized how stupid he had been and he went to Doug's to apologize. They made up and he spent the night there. After that everything was okay for a few days, but soon Ste realized that that was not the only problem they had.

Since the beginning of their relationship they had tried to avoid talking about Brendan. Sometimes when his name did fall, an awkward silence fell over them and it became harder and harder to break it. At first Ste thought it was normal, because it only happened when Brendan's name fell. They didn't want to talk about him, so they tried to avoid the subject. But lately these silences were there more and more and they became longer and longer and not only when Brendan's name fell.

And now, Ste had to admit to himself, they couldn't even talk while working. The only things they talked about were the things that happened in the deli and things they saw through the window. Ste didn't know what to do about it. He didn't know what to say to Doug because there was nothing to say. At least when Brendan was bothering them they had had something to talk about. It was so strange, when he had been with Brendan, there were silent moments, but they had never seemed unnatural. They could sit or lay next to each other for ages without saying a word. So why couldn't he do that with Doug?

But that wasn't the only thing that was bothering him. No, there was one more problem.

His freaking thoughts which he couldn't put to rest.

In the very beginning of their relationship it had been so easy not to think about Brendan. He was so happy with Doug. In the first week, they got together, it didn't even occur to him that he didn't see Brendan as much as he used to. But one day Doug mentioned that Brendan never came to visit the deli anymore. So Ste started to pay attention to it and he realized that Doug was right. He tried not to be bothered by this, but the less he saw Brendan, the more he thought about him. He almost became anxious to see him. Ste noticed that he was looking out of the window more and more often just to get a glimpse of Brendan. When he heard from Cheryl that Brendan had left for Barcelona, he almost felt disappointed. Disappointed that Brendan didn't come by to tell him he went there. The minute that thought popped up in his head, he pushed it away. Brendan had no reason to tell him, no reason, because they were over. Then why did it make him feel so bad?

Ste had always been convinced that Brendan would do something to get him back, but right now he even doubted that. Brendan had left them alone. It was all he had ever wanted, except that Ste wasn't sure that, that was what he wanted anymore. He didn't know anything for sure anymore. When did everything became so god damn complicated?

On that exact moment the door opened and Cheryl walked into the Deli.

"Morning love," She said with a smile.

'Morning Cheryl, What can I get you?'' Ste asked her. Their relationship had improved again in the last few weeks. He knew she was still kind of disappointed in him, but she was not someone who could stay angry very long. A few weeks ago she had said to him that, if he would make her a salad with extra love and discount every week, maybe one day she would be able to forgive him. And who was he to say no to that?

She looked at him with sparks in her eyes and said: "As if you don't know that.''

He grinned at her and took a few ingredients to make the salad. While working he said: "How is everything going?''

"Everything is going its way I guess."

"It must be hard looking after the club without help from Bren… uhm your brother, I mean." Ste couldn't bring himself to saying Brendan's name.

"Yeah it was, but now he's back I can concentrate on other stuff again."

Brendan was back.

"How long has he been back?" Ste asked, trying to ignore the feelings that awoke in his stomach at her words.

"For a week already, didn't you know?" she asked surprised.

"No, how could I? It's not like we talk anymore." Ste tried to ignore the fact that his words sounded more bitter than they probably should.

They were silent for a moment while Ste finished her salad. When he was done, he gave her the salad and she gave him the money.

"Keep the change," she said while turning around and walking over to the door.

"Uhm Cheryl…?"

She turned around to face him and asked: "Yes love?"

"How is he?"

"If you want to know, ask him yourself," Cheryl chuckled. Before he could give a reply, she turned around and left the deli.

xXx

Brendan closed the map on his desk and rose from his chair. It had been a long day. He had been working on overdue payments and the accounting since 7 AM and it was 5 PM already. The sad part was that he still wasn't done! He left his office and walked towards the bar, where Cheryl was cleaning up some glasses.

He looked around, to see there were only a few people in the room, and asked: "Where are Rhys and Joel?"

"I told them to go home early because there's nothing left to do and it's not exactly crowded here." She put the clean glasses on the counter and continued: "They will be back around eight."

Brendan nodded and sat down on one of the bar chairs. "Can you get me a glass of whiskey?"

"Of course Love." she took two glasses and poured him a glass of whiskey and herself a glass of wine. She gave him the one with the whiskey. "There you go, love."

He took a sip and asked: "So how is your day?"

"It's good. Lynsey and I went out for a drink. Oh, and I went to the Deli this morning for my weekly salad."

Brendan was barely paying attention to anything she had to say but at the mention of the deli he looked up from his glass and mumbled: "Did you now?"

"Yeah, Ste made me a delicious salad."

His heart started to beat faster at the mention of Steven's name. He hadn't seen him for such a long time. He just wanted to see the face of that boy again, his smile and his eyes… He wanted to ask Cheryl if he was alright. But he didn't, instead he just asked: "So how is the happy couple doing, eh?"

"I don't know, Ste was on his own again."

Brendan couldn't resist asking: "Again?"

"Yes, he is alone a lot lately," Cheryl said not noticing his eager to hear what she had to say about Steven. "Doug always seems to be gone when I visit the deli."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Brendan said, more to himself than to Cheryl.

"No, you're not," she countered, raising an eyebrow.

"You're right, I'm not," Brendan sighed. "I hate to see Steven unhappy. I just don't want him to be happy with Douglas."

"You're not going to mangle again, are you?" Cheryl asked warningly.

"What do you think I have been doing for the last three months," he said almost offended.

"I know you, you're always up to something."

"I have better things to do, then to worry about Steven's love life."

She looked unconvinced so he said: "I promise you I won't do anything stupid."

Cheryl sighed. "I hope you won't, love."

They sat in silence for a while, both drinking their drinks and both thinking about certain people, who they cared about.

After a while Cheryl said: "He asked about you."

"Who?" Brendan asked, already knowing the answer to that question.

"Ste, he asked how you were."

"And what answer did you give him?" Brendan asked curious.

At that moment a few people approached the bar to order some drinks.

"I said that if he wanted to know he had to ask you himself," she said with a smile before turning to face the customers.

Brendan finished his drink, rose from his bar chair and walked back into his office. He closed the door behind him and a small smile crossed his face before he sat down in his chair to continue his work.

xXx

Ste wandered through the village. He had closed the deli hours ago. Just this morning he had felt tired and he had said to himself that after work was done, he should go straight to his bed. And he really had tried to get some sleep, but with the knowledge that Brendan was back in town, he could have known he wouldn't be able to sleep at all. So an hour ago he had left the house and since then he was wandering around the village, no idea where he wanted to go. The streets were empty and it was dark outside. It must already be past midnight. He came past the fences that surrounded Chez Chez. He stood still and looked at the building, everybody would probably be home by now. Maybe he should go home too, or he could check if everything was closed. No, that wasn't his responsibility anymore. He wanted to walk on, but something pulled him towards the dark building. Even though he didn't want to, he ended at the bottom of the stairs that let to Chez Chez and presumably to Brendan.

He climbed the stairs and paused in front of the door. It was long past midnight so the club would probably be closed. He felt relieve at this thought, it was better if he faced Brendan in brought daylight. He pushed hard against the door, assuming that it would be closed. He almost fell on his face when the door swung open.

He could just keep his balance and quickly walked inside, before closing the door behind him. The club was completely empty, there were only a few empty bottles and glasses on the bar, there was no living thing to see.

But he knew someone was here and it wasn't Cheryl or Rhys because they would have locked the door from the inside. The only person who would leave the door unlocked at such a time was Brendan. He crossed the room pausing in front of Brendan's office holding up his fist to knock on the door. A few centimeters before his fist touched the door he stopped it. He still could leave if he wanted to. He could go and Brendan wouldn't even know that he had been standing in front of his office. He glanced around the room, took a deep breath and let his fist knock softly against the door.

xXx

Brendan ran his hand through his hair and sighed. He'd rolled up the sleeves of his shirt because it was bloody warm. He looked at the clock on the wall and sighed again. That's what you got when you left the business for two weeks, had a sister who didn't understand a damn about paperwork and a kid who was too stupid and young to run a club. Now he had to catch up two extra weeks of paperwork and he was exhausted. Most work was done but it had cost him all day to finish it. He looked at the clock again. It was time to call it a day.

Then he heard a soft knock against the door. He sighed and cursed at the same time. It was four AM for god sake. Couldn't they leave him alone for once?

For one second he thought about not answering, but he knew this wasn't an option, cause whoever that person was, he/she probably knew that Brendan was inside. And he had to admit that he was curious about who would visit him at such an hour.

"Come on in," Brendan said casually.

The door opened slowly and a small person stepped inside. Brendan recognized the contours immediately even though it was too dark to see who it was.

He heard his heart bounce against his chest when Steven took a step forward just so Brendan could look into his eyes.

He heard the voice, he had repeatedly heard in his head for the past two months, say:

"Hello, Brendan."

**I'm leaving you with a little cliffhanger this time :P**

**Hope you're eager to read the new chapter!**

**Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**This turned out completely different than I had planned but I like it anyway.**

**I really liked your reviews, thanks for that!:D**

**Here's chapter 5. ENJOY :)**

**Chapter 5**

Ste looked at Brendan, really looked at him, something he hadn't be able to do in months. He was wearing his black shoes, gray trousers and a red shirt from which he had rolled up the sleeves. The shirt was too tight around the shoulders so you could clearly see his well-trained muscles. The top two buttons of his shirt were left open and you could just see the dark hair on his chest. Around his neck there was his necklace, something he always wore. Ste shifted his gaze from Brendan's chest to his face. The beautiful dark hair, his well-shaped lips which were slightly open and his piercing blue eyes which were looking at him intensely.

Ste blushed when he realized he had been staring at Brendan for almost a minute. Brendan had been watching him while he had been inspecting his body elaborately!

Brendan looked slightly amused.

"Like what you see?" he asked raising one eyebrow.

Ste turned even more red and mumbled: "Uhm, yes. I mean, no. I mean…. Well…. I don't know." he was stumbling over the words.

While speaking, he had established his eyes on the wall behind Brendan. Slowly he withdrew his eyes from the wall and let his gaze wander back to Brendan's face.

Brendan wasn't even trying to hide his laugh.

"So how can I get a surrounding yes from you?" he asked with amusement in his voice.

Ste had the feeling he had never been this red before and he blurted out: "You can't… I mean you don't have to. You always look great."

Brendan burst out in laughter and Ste swallowed uncomfortable while the laughing continued.

When Brendan finally stopped laughing he asked: "And what do I owe this pleasure?"

Ste, relieved with the change of subject, said: "I just… I heard you were back from Barcelona and I thought why not pop by to see how you are."

"Couldn't you have picked a better time?" He still sounded slightly amused.

"Maybe, but I couldn't sleep so I went for a walk and then I came across Chez Chez and I thought, why not check if the door is still open." Ste knew he was rattling but he couldn't help himself. "And I assumed that it wouldn't be open, but to my surprise it was and then I thought now I am here, why not check if Brendan is here. So I knocked on the door to see if someone would answer and the-"

"Alright, alright, I get the idea," Brendan interrupted.

For a moment they were both silent and then Ste asked: "So how was it? In Barcelona I mean."

"I managed to do a lot of work there, so I guess you can say that it was good."

Ste bit his lower lip and said: "That's… uhm… nice."

"Yeah, it is."

They were silent again and Brendan looked at him expectantly, waiting for Ste to say something. Ste tried to think of something, something to say. Why couldn't Brendan just say something? The problem was that Brendan was not the person to keep a conversation alive unless he wanted to and right know he had no problem with watching Ste struggle to find the right words to say. So Brendan kept on waiting patiently for him to come up with something, but Ste didn't know what. He didn't even know why he came here in the first place. The silence continued and Brendan kept on looking at him, which made him nervous. Come on Ste, think of something, he told himself, it can't be that hard.

"So how was the weather in Barcelona?" The moment Ste heard himself say those words, he wished the ground would open up underneath him and swallow him alive. OH MY GOD, he did not just say that, he didn't just ask him about the weather, did he? By the look on Brendan's face he knew that that was exactly what he had asked him. Ste could smash his head against the wall. Really? Of all the things he could have asked him, he had to ask him about the weather?! There really was something wrong with him.

xXx

"So how was the weather in Barcelona?"

Brendan's grin reappeared at Steven's words. This really was the most amusing conversation that he'd had in a long time. He almost felt sorry for Steven who really did his best to make a fool of himself. It had been hard keeping distance between them two. But this conversation almost made it worth the wait.

"Yeah, it was nice," he replied, trying to keep his amusement out of his voice, by the look on Steven's face he knew that, that didn't quite work.

"Yeah.. Well… It has been raining a lot here," Steven stammered.

"It always rains a lot here," Brendan said, trying to keep up the smooth talk. Something he wasn't exactly good in. That was more Steven's kind of thing. He smiled, it was _normally _Steven's thing, but right now he was having a problem with finding the right words. He slouched in his chair and moved his shoulders backwards. He could feel his shoulder blades crack. That reminded him that he hadn't got out of this chair since 7 PM.

He rose from his chair. He had been sitting too long, his legs felt stiff, just like his shoulders. He walked around the desk, trying to lose the stiffness in his legs. While he was walking he felt Steven was watching him. He could feel the boy's eyes on him while he was walking in front of his desk and felt his skin crawl. He stopped before the desk and leaned against it. When he looked at Steven again, he saw his face turn red. Brendan raised an eyebrow and Steven looked even more embarrassed. Steven opened his mouth, but closed it again. That reminded Brendan about their conversation. They were actually talking about the weather. This thought made Brendan smile. He never talked about the weather.

"What's so funny?" Steven asked, looking embarrassed

"I just missed having these conversations, that's all," Brendan answered.

"Conversations about the weather?" Steven asked innocently.

"You know what I mean, Steven," Brendan growled.

"Yeah, I do," he said. He looked at Brendan and with a little smile he added: "I missed it too."

Brendan looked back at Steven. Even after two months of absence that lad could make his blood run faster with one look. While he was in Barcelona Brendan had almost convinced himself that the distance from Steven made him stronger. That it was good for him to be away from him for a while. But standing here looking at the boy, made him realize he had been fooling himself. Being away from Steven was one of the worst things in the world. He never knew it was possible to miss someone as much as he had missed Steven. Things just changed. Before Steven got together with Douglas he'd expected Steven to get back together with him eventually. But when he saw Steven and Douglas kiss, he realized that maybe there was a slight chance that he wouldn't. He realized that if he wouldn't do anything there was a possibility that he would lose Steven for good. That's when he knew something needed to be done, that he needed to do something in order to get Steven back. It made him realize that even after nine months of barely talking, he still longed for Steven...

xXx

Ste kept on looking at Brendan and he could almost feel the air change. Just a second before their hang an air of amusement, but suddenly the air became heavier. The smile slowly faded from Brendan's face and Ste could see the passion awaken in his eyes which were fiercely looking into Ste's. Ste tried to pull away his gaze, but his eyes were locked into Brendan's. He felt the fire run through his body and his mouth suddenly felt very dry. He saw Brendan's tongue run over his bottom lip and Ste noticed he was doing the same.

Brendan rose from his desk, slowly moving towards Ste without ever breaking the contact off their intertwined eyes. Step by step he closed the distance between them and just before their bodies made contact, he stopped. He was so close that Ste could smell Brendan's aftershave and the always present smell of mint.

Never had Brendan been so close, without touching him. He was so close it would only take a little step from one of them and their bodies would meet. Only one little step and they would kiss. Their eyes were still connected and the look in Brendan eyes made his blood boil. No one else ever looked at him like Brendan was looking at him right now.

When Brendan finally broke the contact off their eyes, Ste gasped for breath. He hadn't noticed he had been holding in his breath all this time. Brendan let his gaze run over Ste's face, like he wanted to remember every little aspect of it. Finally he let it rest on Ste's mouth. Ste breathed in Brendan's scent and he moaned softly when Brendan let go off his breath and Ste could feel the warm air touch his face.

Ste closed his eyes and enjoyed the sensation of being so close to Brendan without actually touching him. He could not remember ever having so longed for a touch as he was longing for it now.

"Steven?" Brendan whispered his name even darker and more sexual than normal. The voice that sent shivers down Ste's spine.

Ste slowly opened his eyes when he heard Brendan say his name. Why was Brendan saying his name when they were nearly kissing? What could be more important than that right now?

"Yes?" Ste asked. He could hear the desire in his own voice.

"What are you really doing here?"

Ste blinked his eyes. He was totally taken aback by that question. He opened his mouth to give an answer, but he didn't know what to say, so he closed it again. He was silent for a moment and looked up, right into Brendan's eyes. The masker was back on its place. All the passion and desire that Ste had seen only a few seconds ago had disappeared.

Finally he said: "I… I don't know."

Brendan moved even closer, so close their lips almost touched. For one second Ste believed that Brendan was actually going to kiss him but then he said:

"Come back when you do."

Brendan turned around, walked back to his desk and started to organize some papers, ignoring Ste completely.

Immediately he missed the scent and warmth of Brendan's body that had been so close to his only seconds before. Ste looked at him confused, slowly realizing that Brendan wasn't going to say or do anything anymore and was waiting for him to go. Ste watched him work for a few moments more before turning around, leaving the office and closing the door behind him.

xXx

Ste leaned against the door, closed his eyes and sighed. What the hell just happened? One second Brendan and he were talking and the next suddenly everything changed and Brendan was looking at him like he wanted him more than anything in the world. Brendan was looking at him like he wanted to kiss him and do so much more…. Ste knew he wouldn't have stopped him. But Brendan did stop. Well he didn't exactly stop, since they never even started but that wasn't the point. Why? Why did they almost kiss? And why was Brendan the one to stop it, when Ste knew he should have been the one to stop it, not Brendan. He was the one with a boyfriend for god sake.

Doug!

He had completely forgotten about him. Immediately he felt guilty. He had a boyfriend, what the hell was he doing almost kissing Brendan! He took a deep breath trying to calm himself down. He didn't exactly cheat on him. Nothing had happened. They almost kissed, but not quite. He had nothing to feel guilty about. He felt the relieve flush through his body and almost wanted to turn around, open the office and thank Brendan for not kissing him. Luckily he realized in time that, that would not only be very awkward, but also very very embarrassing, so he pushed his body off of the door and left the club. He needed to get some sleep anyway.

xXx

Brendan kept on working until he heard the door of the office close. Once the door was closed he walked over to his chair and sat down. He hadn't expected that to happen. Firstly it had been a surprise to see Steven come by at his office at 2 AM and secondly he certainly hadn't expected them to almost kiss. Luckily he had been able to control himself, but it had been hard. It had been a whole month since he had last seen Steven and it had been so hard not to touch him, especially since it had been such a long time he had been given the chance. The way Steven had looked at him hadn't made it any better. Brendan knew that if he would have kissed him, Steven wouldn't have stopped him and that was exactly the reason why he'd stopped.

Cause even if they would have kissed (and maybe more), in the end Steven would have regretted it. In the end he would have gone running back to Douglas. It would have ruined his whole plan. All his well-set steps. It wasn't the time for them to kiss yet. Their time would come. He just had to wait. Though it was time for some action. It was time that he was going to put the rest of his plan into work. Steven's visit had made him realize that it was time for that. It was time to get back on the horse. So to speak. Horse, no pony.

Brendan laughed out loud, by his own joke, got out of his chair, took his jacket and left his office. He put out the light, left the club and locked the door.

While he was walking back home he had to smile thinking back at their conversation. It was so easy to get him. So easy to make Steven say things he didn't want to say. He hadn't had so much fun in a very long time.

**I have to say I almost felt sorry for Ste this chapter. **_**Almost**_**. I just thought let's give Brendan **_**(and hopefully all of you)**_** some fun.** **Especially since he's been having such a hard time on the show.**

**Please review:)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Cheryl was sitting at the table. She was eating her toast and drinking her coffee while reading the paper. She just took a bite from her toast when Brendan came downstairs. Like usual he was looking neat, but she could see that he'd had too little sleep last night.

"Rough night?" she asked her brother while pouring him a cup of coffee.

He took the coffee from her, took a sip and answered: "You could say that, yeah. I had a lot of work to do, but it's almost finished now."

"That's good," she said happily. She knew he had been home very late last night, because she hadn't even hear him come home.

Brendan sat down at the table, crabbed some toast and started eating. The way Brendan ate his food (like he was completely ravenous all the time) was found very distasteful by most people, but Cheryl was accustomed to it since her childhood. She didn't even bother to say something about it anymore.

She watched him with amusement as he ate a large amount of toast and drunk a lot of coffee within minutes. When he was almost finished he looked up and raised an eyebrow when he saw her amused face. "Someing wong?" he asked with his mouth full, making it almost impossible to understand what he was saying.

She rolled her eyes and replied: "I still cannot believe that a man can eat so much food without gaining any weight."

Brendan took another sip of his coffee, to wash away the last remnants of toast, and said with a grin: "What can I say? I am just well built." he drank the last bit of his coffee and said: "Anyway, I have to go to the club to take care of a few things." he took his jacket from the back of his chair. "So, I will see you later."

"No, I will go with you."

Ten minutes later they left the house and walked to the club in silence. When they walked to the club together (something that didn't happen that much), they walked in silence because Cheryl knew that this was one of the moments that Brendan liked to think. Actually there were a lot of moments lately were it seemed like Brendan was lost in thought. Cheryl had to admit that she started to worry about that. Brendan always had been a thinker but since Ste and Doug were together, it seemed he had withdrawn himself even more. She had thought that his two weeks to Barcelona might bring chance to that, but the moment she had seen him back, she knew nothing had changed. Maybe it became even worse.

Even now, he was looking straight ahead, it seemed like he wasn't paying any attention to where he was going. She was proven right when the boy George came from around the corner and Brendan ran full against him.

"He, look where you're going, shop boy," he growled in a low voice.

"I ….. I'm sorry," George mumbled back.

"It doesn't matter, love," Cheryl said hastily while giving Brendan a warning look: "It happens to the best of us."

Brendan shook his head in disagreement, but kept his mouth shut.

The boy left quickly.

"People should pay more attention to where they walk," Brendan muttered to himself.

"Yeah, and you are one of them," Cheryl replied somewhat amused.

Brendan gave her a dark look and continued his way to the club.

Cheryl smiled against her brothers back before following him.

xXx

Ste walked towards the shop, still tired after his short night of sleep. At the moment he reached the shop, Doug walked out. All the feelings of guilt came back immediately by the sight of his boyfriend. He pushed the thoughts away. Now was not the time to worry about that.

"Morning Doug," he said with a smile. He leaned forward and gave Doug a kiss on his mouth. Immediately there popped an image in his head of Brendan almost kissing him. He shook his head too loose the image. Don't think about that now, he told himself.

He just broadened his smile and asked with a happiness he did not feel. "Do you want to have lunch with me this afternoon?"

Doug looked happily surprised and said enthusiastic: "Yes, I would like that."

Ste cringed unnoticeable at Doug enthusiasm and felt the guilt return in all force. With great difficulty he managed to keep the smile on his face.

"Great, how about 1 PM at the dog?"

"Sounds perfect," Doug replied. His answer made Ste smile for real.

"Doing some shopping?" Ste asked, referring to the bag in Doug's hand.

"Yes, its Leanne's birthday and I needed to get some presents," he looked at him expectantly and asked: "You do still intend on coming with me to the party, don't you?"

"Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?" Ste answered quickly, trying to remember when he'd promised that.

Doug looked at him strangely and asked: "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just had a rough night," Ste replied. Why did everything he said or thought come back at what had happened last night?

"What happened then?"

"Well, I couldn't sleep. So I went for a walk until 4 AM," And then I went to Brendan and we almost kissed. But of course he didn't say that out loud.

Ste was almost startled at his own thoughts. He really had to keep his attention to the conversation and stop thinking about a certain incident last night. And a certain man who had been involved at that incident, or he would say something pretty stupid soon, something he most certainly would regret.

"You must be tired then," Doug said.

"Little bit, but I will be alright," Ste replied touched by Doug's concern for him.

"Okay then." he kissed Ste on his cheek and said: "See you later."

"Yeah, later."

Doug gave him another strange look before he walked away towards his housemates, who had been waiting for him.

Ste watched him go and then walked into the shop for his groceries. He really should stop thinking about last night because it was totally distracting him and if he would continue like this, than he certainly would have let something slip out by the end of the day. He didn't want that to happen, but he just couldn't stop thinking about it cause he just couldn't believe what a fool he'd made of himself last night.

He really had said the most ridiculous things and if that was not bad enough he'd almost kissed Brendan. He told himself that it didn't mean anything, but a part of him knew that it wasn't true. Stop, he told himself, now is not the time. A woman who was picking up some vegetables looked at him weirdly and he blushed when he realized he'd been saying that out loud. He really should stop talking to himself in public, it really was embarrassing, but lately he noticed he was doing it more and more often. Probably because he had no one he could really talk to. Normally he would tell Amy everything, but he was sure she wouldn't like to hear any of this. And he couldn't think of anyone else to tell, so he had developed the habit to correct himself when he was thinking things he probably shouldn't think.

xXx

Brendan left his office and sat down in one of the two couches in the club. He put his legs on the table and enjoyed the silence, something that didn't occur very often since there was always someone who needed his attention. But right now everybody had disappeared and Brendan decided to take advantage of it for as long as it lasted. He closed his eyes, put his hands behind his head and let his thoughts drift away. Only a few minutes and then he would get back to work. Slowly his thoughts became vaguer and the sleep fell over him as a white cloud.

At that moment he heard footsteps on the stairs. Brendan opened his eyes and sighed disappointed. He could have known that a few minutes of undisturbed sleep were just not meant to be. Cheryl walked in and she threw a bag with sandwiches at him. Brendan caught the bag and opened it. He grabbed one of the sandwiches and took a bite.

Cheryl sat down on the couch opposite from him and said with a false grin: "I see that I'm back just in time to keep you from falling asleep. What did I say to you about sleeping during work hours?"

Brendan muttered something unintelligible as he had his mouth full of bread.

Cheryl's grin only grew bigger.

She opened her bag and took out her salad. They ate in silence and she looked at him thoughtfully for a while, before she said: "I think I know what you need."

"And what's that?"

"Maybe you need some kind of distraction. Something that will take your mind off of St…. uhm things."

"Distraction…," he mumbled at himself. Slowly a plan took form in his head. Maybe he should….

Suddenly he rose from the couch, walked over to Cheryl and gave her a kiss on her cheek. She smiled surprised at his sudden shown of affection and asked: "Where is that for?"

"Can't I just do something without you questioning my intentions?" he growled.

"Of course you can, it's just that you're never so spontaneous."

"There's a first time for everything," Brendan muttered, but his gaze had left her face and she knew he was working on some kind of idea in his head.

Suddenly he turned and walked towards the exit.

"Where are you going?" she called after him.

"Like you said, it's time for some distraction."

Although she didn't see his face, she could hear the laughter in his voice. She shook her head in disbelief, sometimes she didn't understand a thing about her brother. One moment he was almost asleep and the next he was full of energy and had some kind of idea in his head that needed to be brought to implement immediately.

She didn't even bother to guess what kind of idea it was this time. She wasn't going to stop him. She had tried that too often in the past. And if she knew one thing about her brother it was that once Brendan had an idea in his head it was impossible to get it out. All you could do was hope that it would work out for the best and that no one would get hurt.

Cheryl frowned by that thought, somebody was going to get hurt, most of Brendan plans, ended with someone getting hurt. Cheryl sighed, hopefully this wasn't one of these times.

xXx

Ste left the café where he just had had lunch with Doug. He took his wallet out of his pocket and checked how much cash he had left. Hopefully it was enough to buy Leanne a small present since Doug had pointed out that he was expected to give her something. After his inspection he put the wallet back into his pocket and headed to the store.

At that moment he heard an all too familiar voice, a voice or rather a person whom he'd tried not to think about the whole day. Of course just at the moment this started to work, he ran into him.

"Steven."

Ste stopped, at the sound of his name, waiting for Brendan to continue, but Brendan walked on and Ste realized that Brendan had only greeted him. Ste also wanted to continue his way, but he changed his mind, turned around and called after him.

"Brendan, wait."

Brendan stopped and slowly turned around to face him. He looked at him expectantly and Ste realized Brendan was waiting for him to continue.

Ste took a few steps closer to Brendan and said: "About last night…"

"What about it?" Brendan replied when Ste didn't continue, raising an eyebrow.

Ste thought briefly about all the different answers he could give, but eventually he shook his head and said: "Nothing."

Brendan looked at him like he knew exactly what kind of thing Ste had wanted to say, even though Ste didn't know himself.

"Okay," Brendan said.

This surprised Ste, Brendan to giving up an opportunity to talk about what had happened last night so easily, that was not what he had expected, but then again Brendan had told him to come back when he knew what he wanted. And he hadn't even kissed him last night, something he certainly would have done in the past. Brendan really was acting strange.

Ste was startled out of his mind when he heard Brendan ask:

"What are you up to?"

"I'm buying a present for Leanne," he answered without thought.

"Really?" Brendan sounded slightly surprised at the mention of her name.

"Yeah it's her birthday and tonight she's giving a party and Doug is of course a friend of hers so he's going and he has asked me to come along and since we are…. He and I ….. Well, you know. I said yes. So now I have to go to that party tonight, but I kind of forgot about it, because we….. You and me… because of yesterday. So I forgot and that's why I still have to buy her a present," Ste finished.

Brendan looked past him, lost in thought.

"You're not even listening," Ste said offended.

After what seemed like an eternity, Brendan focused his gaze back on Ste and replied: "You have a party at Leanne's, to where Doug invited you, but because of last night you forgot to buy a gift and therefore you still have to do it."

Brendan smirked when he saw Ste's surprised face: "Sometimes I do listen."

"Right, well I better go since I have some shopping to do," Ste said with a smug smile because Brendan had paid attention to what he'd said after all.

"Yeah, good luck with that."

"Thanks, I'll need it."

Brendan rolled his eyes and walked past him.

Ste grinned again and walked towards the shop to buy a present. Despite everything, he was looking forward to tonight. The lunch with Doug had been very enjoyable and this time they had not been troubled by silences that occurred much too often lately. Even his conversation with Brendan had gone reasonably well considering last night's events. Thinking about it, it had not been a bad day and he was sure it would only get better. Tonight he would forget everything that had happened and have some fun. It was only a party with a few of Doug's friends. What could possibly go wrong?

_**You will find out what happens at the party in the next chapter :) **_


	7. Chapter 7

**Enjoy reading! **

**Chapter 7**

Even now, while he stood outside the front door, he could clearly hear the lyrics of the music and the noise that the crowd made. Even if he hadn't know the way to their house it would have been easy to find it, so loud was the music. Ste smiled nervously. A party with a few of Leanne's friends. Doug had assured him that a few people meant that there wouldn't be more than twenty people. Of course he could have known that Leanne had a whole different perspective on the concept of a few friends.

Ste knocked hard on the door in the hope that someone would hear him and open up.

Of course this was not the case.

Alright, now what? For a moment Ste was tempted to turn around and walk away. He didn't feel like having a party with so many people at all. People who he probably didn't know. People who Doug probably didn't know. The thought of Doug at a party with all strange types around him, types that would not leave him alone and would try to seduce him, made him decide to go anyway. He had promised it after all.

Ste figured he had a mobile, so maybe he could try to call Doug and ask him to open the door.

He took his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed Doug's number. It ringed a few times before it went over to voicemail.

Annoyed he put the mobile back into his pocket. How difficult was it to pick up your phone? Maybe he should go home after all since Doug didn't even want to make that small effort for him. Then he remembered that he was the one who was an hour and half late, if someone had a reason to be mad at him then that was Doug. And the music was much too loud to hear the ringtone of your mobile so hopefully that was the reason that Doug hadn't picked up and not because he was mad at him for being so terribly late.

Even though he had every reason to be.

But the question was: how was he going to get inside?

He knocked on the door once again in the hope that someone would hear him this time.

No luck.

Alright, so no one was going to open the door and he wouldn't be able to reach any of the people inside because the music was too loud. Therefore he had to find another way to get inside.

He pondered his options.

Maybe he could try to find a window and climb into the house, but then it needed to be open and he didn't want to get caught while trying to break into his boyfriend's house. That really would leave the wrong impression.

Climbing in through a window was clearly not an option.

Ste sighed frustrated and walked off of the pavement, towards the fence. When he reached the fence he grabbed hold of it. The metal was cool for his warm hands.

He really was terribly late. He had promised Doug that he would be here at ten o'clock, but it was almost eleven thirty. Amy always chose the greatest of times to get sick, it wasn't really her fault of course, not in the least, because Lucas had been ill, a few days before. Normally she was the one who would cook during the week, but because of her sickness he had to cook, clean and get the kids into bed in time. Once he had them in bed, he read them a story and after that he made Amy some soup and made sure she ate it completely. He proposed to stay but she told him to go and after a few badly found counterarguments, he agreed with her. But when she finally convinced him to go it was already quarter past ten and he still had to take shower, pick his clothes and style his hair. After a last check on Amy he wanted to leave, but heard crying from Leah's room and when he walked in, he saw a pale Leah and vomit on the floor. So it took even longer to get away. After cleaning the floor, comforting Leah until she was asleep and another convincing speech of Amy, even though he rather wanted to stay, he finally left the house over an hour late. There went his plan to get at the party in time and now he finally was here he couldn't even get in.

So much for a trouble free evening.

He really had no idea what he should do now. The best he could think of was wait for someone to get outside and then sneak inside quickly while the door was still open. Unfortunately it would probably take a lot of time till someone decided to get out. Maybe Doug would miss him and come to see where he was, but since he was so late and Doug hadn't even tried to call him that was not very likely.

Ste turned around so he could lean against the fence while waiting. He looked at the house where Doug lived. Or better said: the house where Texas, Leanne, Dennis and Doug lived. Doug's friends. Friends Ste never had had. He felt a stab of jealousy. He never had been good in making friends. In keeping them. Of course he had Amy, but that was not the same. She was the mother of his kids. The only person that knew him better than he knew himself. She was the one he had been beating up for months. Yet she had forgiven him. Something he had never been able to understand. Now she was his best friend. The only one. For the rest he had no friends. The only people he had regarded as friends beside her were Rae, Doug, Noah and Brendan. Rae was dead. Doug was his boyfriend. Noah was his ex whom he had found kissing with another bloke the evening before they would leave Hollyoaks. And Brendan… It had been stupid to think that they would ever be able to be friends. He knew better know.

Ironically all his male "friends" had turned out to be more than just friends. He shook his head. No, he definitely was not good at keeping friends. Hopefully that would change in the future.

Ste was so lost in thoughts that he didn't notice someone walking towards the door until that person had reached it. Ste wondered if he had to warn him that he couldn't enter, but before he had made a decision, the man opened the door and walked inside.…

Ste blinked…..

The door was open…

He forgot to check if the door was open….

How stupid could you be…..

He really was a complete fool.

He wished he had something in his hands right now so he could throw it at the wall. It was probably for the best that he hadn't. Instead he slapped his hand against his forehead.

Ste sighed once more and walked towards the door. Once he reached the door, he grabbed the clink and opened it. Hopefully Doug would not be too angry with him and they could still have a nice evening. He entered the house….

xXx

Ste fought his way through the crowd. Every few seconds he slammed into someone or stood on someone's toes and he muttered an apology without looking who he was talking to.

He couldn't imagine that Leanne knew all these people. Most likely she didn't. Most of them were probably friends from friends from friends. Or something like that. He hadn't seen anyone familiar yet anyway.

Eventually he reached (relatively unscathed) the living room. He saw the table where there lay a mountain of presents and he put his gift there. He smiled when he saw the decorations. Pink streamers hung everywhere and there was a large banner in the middle of the room with **Congratulations Leanne** on it. Probably something that Dennis had made.

He looked around to see if he spotted Doug somewhere, but he couldn't find his face in the crowded room. Ste sighed again and wondered (not for the first time this evening) what he was doing here. In general he wasn't really fond of parties. It was always a place where he drank too much and the next day all he had left was a terrible hangover. That would not happen to him this time. He had resolved not to drink much tonight.

He walked towards the kitchen, in the hope that Doug would be there. That was not the case, but Texas was there, looking slightly uncomfortable.

"Hi, Texas. Enjoying yourself?"

She looked at him, happy to see a familiar face, and answered: "Hey, Ste and to answer your question, not really no. I don't know anyone here."

Ste took a few steps closer otherwise he wasn't able to hear what she had to say and answered loudly: "Me neither. Have you seen Doug by any chance? I wanted to apologize for being so late."

Somewhere in the middle of the room a few people started dancing and soon a lot of people joined them so he almost missed it when she said:

"I'm afraid I haven't seen him for awhile. The last time I saw him he was half drunk and upset that you didn't show up and believe me, an upset and drunk Doug is not a good combination."

Ste knew she was right. He had seen Doug when he was drunk and he was even worse than him and that said a lot.

The likelihood of a successful ending of the evening became smaller and smaller.

They stared at the dancing couples for awhile and watched while the music went over to something more romantic so people could slow dance.

Eventually he turned back at her and asked: "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I was just hoping that Dodger would show up, but I guess he won't."

He saw her disappointed and hurt face and realized that that was exactly how Doug must be feeling right now. He felt guilty again.

"I'm sure he will come. Look at me I was an hour and a half late. Maybe he was held up."

"Yeah maybe," she smiled at him and added: "Thanks."

"For what?"

"Trying to make me feel better."

He returned her smile and she offered him a beer that he gladly took.

They got into a conversation and talked for a while. Every now and then he looked around in the hope that he would spot Doug somewhere. Unfortunately with no luck.

Suddenly people started shouting and screaming around the dancers and they stopped talking, both looking towards the riot.

Soon Ste discovered what the riot was all about.

Two boys had started dancing closely together, slowly moving on the music.

Some people apparently weren't used to this shown of affection between two men, because some of them were looking like they had never seen something like this before. Soon people were distracted by someone who was about to faint and the cheering and shouting took off again.

Ste smiled and turned his attention back to Texas.

He almost choked on his sip of beer when he saw her shocked face.

"What's wrong?" he asked her concerned.

She didn't answer him, so he followed her eyes to the thing what had shocked her so much. He raised his eyebrows when he realized that she was looking at the two dancing boys. He didn't understand why she was so bothered about it. Had she never seen two guys dancing before? He had always thought that she was very open for that sort of thing, but apparently he had been wrong.

He just wanted to say something about it when something familiar caught his eye.

One of the boys was wearing the same shirt that Doug often wore.

Doug's favorite shirt.

He let his gaze wander up and he really looked at the two boys for the first time that evening.

One of them was long, he had gold blond hair and his arms were placed around the waist of the smaller guy.

He shifted his gaze from the longer guy to the smaller boy.

He froze when he realized who the other boy was.

Immediately he understood why Texas had looked so shocked.

It was no boy who accidentally wore the same shirt as Doug.

The boy was Doug.

**To be continued…**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for reading and reviewing this story, I appreciate it very much!**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter 8**

Ste felt like he couldn't move, while the scene before him, slowly dawned on him. It could not be. His boyfriend, one of the few people he still trusted, stood on the dance floor in an intimate embrace with another guy. He may have been terribly late, but that Doug would pull of something like this, he shook his head in disbelief.

He looked at the two dancing boys again. When he saw the other boy whisper something in Doug's ear and Doug looking up at him laughing, he had the feeling that a large stone landed at the bottom of his stomach.

At that moment he felt a hand upon his shoulder and he realized that Texas was still standing next to him. He heard her say:

"Ste, are you alright"?

Ste opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came from his lips. He moved his gaze from Texas to the two boys and he suddenly wondered what he was still doing here. Obviously Doug had enough company and didn't really care that he had been late. No, he instantly just got cozy with another guy, while he, Ste, had been waiting so many times, because Doug was late. And did he just get cozy with another guy? NO.

He shook Texas' hand off and walked to the door, pushing people aside on the way, they threw insults at him, when he past. Not like he cared. He heard Texas call his name, but he didn't feel like responding and walked in de direction of the door. He opened the door, walked through it and slammed the door behind him as hard as he could. He breathed in the open air and leaned tired against the closed door. He felt how the cool evening air surrounded him. He slowly slid down the door until he sat on the threshold and laid his head in his hands.

He couldn't believe what he had just seen.

Doug and that guy.

Dancing.

Doug had looked like he had forgotten everything around him except for the person that stood opposite from him. As if everything they had been through the last couple of months, didn't mean anything. As if he, his boyfriend, didn't mean anything. Ste had thought that Doug and him had have had a nice afternoon together. That they finally just had have had some fun together again. With no complications.

But apparently all of that had no meaning for Doug.

One evening, one time he was late and Doug immediately decided to have some fun with another guy, apparently not caring, how Ste would feel about that.

He wished he would have had the strength to get angry. He _should_ have gotten angry. He should have smacked that guy with his gold blond hair on his face. But instead all he had done was watch. Why hadn't he gotten mad, why did he only feel a big emptiness from the inside? Why had he only been watching? Watching how his boyfriend was dancing in the arms of someone else. And they may have not been kissing but maybe that made it even worse.

More painful.

He smiled bitterly, a couple of hours ago he had thought that it was going to be a great night. How wrong had he been.

This evening couldn't get any worse.

At that moment he heard footsteps getting closer. Because of the darkness he couldn't see who it was and he kept deadly quiet so they wouldn't notice him. He saw two figures loom up from the dark and he recognized the features of Brendan. He felt how his heart began to pound against his chest. He saw how Brendan stood still in front of his door and took his key out of his pocket. Suddenly he felt the great need to let Brendan know he was there. He just wanted to call out Brendan's name, when it felt like a cold wind ran through his body and deep down inside of him, he started to freeze. Brendan had turned around and had kissed the man right on the mouth. Ste had the feeling he couldn't breathe. He sat there petrified and he felt a cold hand enclose his heart, when Brendan pulled the man inside the apartment. The door closed with a bang behind them. Ste stared at the closed door for ages. Then he stood up and walked past that door and down the stairs. He felt the tears fall down his face.

He had been wrong, the evening could get worse. It just happened.

xXx

Ste turned on the tap, put his head under it and let the water fall over him. After a couple of minutes he turned the tap off and he shook the drops from his hair. He wiped the water from his face before he took a towel to dry off the rest of his face. He had been trying to put his mind off, it had been working for a while, but now his thoughts were spinning through his mind.

In the darkness he walked towards the couch, he didn't even have the spirit to turn on the lights, and he let himself drop down on the couch.

Ste took a deep breath and released his bated breath after a few seconds. He felt his heart beat painfully hard against his chest and his breathing was accelerated. It felt like he just had been running a few miles. Maybe he had, he couldn't remember much about his way back to the house.

The adrenaline that still had been flushing through his blood was now slowly fading. With that decrease of adrenaline his energy also disappeared, leaving only a painful emptiness.

Ste closed his eyes in the hope that it would give him some rest but instead an image of Brendan kissing that man, Brendan who pulled the man inside his house popped up in his head. The thought of what Brendan was doing with that man right now was so painful that he immediately opened his eyes. But it was too late. The image was burned in his mind. It was an image he would never lose again.

At the moment he had seen Doug with that other guy it had felt like someone had given him a slap in the face. He had thought that seeing Doug with that other guy had hurt, but compared to what it had felt like when he saw Brendan with another man, it was nothing. When he had seen Brendan with that other man it had felt like his whole world collapsed around him, like nothing mattered anymore, because Brendan was kissing somebody else. Was with somebody else. Why? Why did it hurt so much? Why did it hurt so much more to see Brendan with another man than Doug with that guy? Why?

He heard some stumbling and he saw the light of the fridge, from the kitchen, shine into the living room. He heard footsteps and the clicking of the light switch. He blinked his eyes at the sudden bright light and he heard someone gasp.

"Ste, you scared the hell out of me. What are you doing here in the dark"? Amy said looking shocked.

Ste tried to think of an explanation, but couldn't really come up with something. So he ignored her question and asked instead: "How are you feeling"?

"I'm feeling better, some sleep can do miracles", she sat down on the couch next to him. She was holding a glass of milk in her hands.

"And Leah"?

"She's asleep in my bed. It's been a while since that happened", she added with a slight smile.

"Yeah", Ste answered.

"So how was the party"?

"Crowded", Ste answered curtly. He didn't feel like talking about it, even though it was Amy, he was talking to. Not now he was haunted by his thoughts and _he_ didn't even know what he was feeling.

"Where's Doug"?

"Still at the party, I guess".

"You guess"? Amy said, raising her eyebrows.

"Yeah, well. It wasn't really my cup of tea with all those people and I was worried about you and Leah", Ste said weary.

"That's sweet", Amy said. She touched his knee, before she stood up and said: "I'm going back to bed".

"Yeah, sleep well", Ste said. He knew she hadn't believed a word he just said, but he was glad she didn't continue questioning him. Although he knew she wouldn't give up so easily tomorrow, but right now he couldn't care less about that. He had enough on his mind. He would deal with Amy and her questions later. He heard the door of Amy's room open and close. He heard her stumbling in her room for a moment and then it was quiet again. He laid down on his back on the couch and stared at the ceiling.

The silence continued and he tried his best not to think about anything, to block all of his thoughts, but soon the thoughts of the party came back at him with full force. He saw Doug in the arms of that other guy. But this image faded soon, to be replaced by the image of Brendan kissing that man. He felt his stomach knot and a feeling of nausea came over him. Why did it bother him so much? Brendan wasn't his, he didn't belong to him. Yet it felt like someone had pulled his heart out and the pain in his chest drew through his entire body. He felt his eyes burn from the retained tears. He fought desperately to hold them back. He wouldn't cry for that man, not again. But Ste felt how he slowly lost the grip on his feelings. The pain that flushed through his entire body, the terrifying feeling deep down that somehow had always been there, was impossible to curb.

Ste noticed that his body was shaking, shaking because of the withheld tears. He pulled his legs up and placed his arms around it. As if that would hold back the emptiness that was slowly taking possession of him. As if that would hold back the pain.

He heard a strange, unfamiliar voice whisper something. Again and again and again. The voice whispered the same word over and over again. It took a while before he realized that he was the one that was mumbling. One word. One name.

"Brendan"

He closed his eyes. Waiting for an answer even though he knew that there was no use. An answer wouldn't come.

He was alone, all alone.

There was nobody who would hear him.

The man to whom he was calling out for, wouldn't hear him.

He couldn't remember that he had ever felt this lonely.

His shoulders started to shake and finally he let go of his withheld tears.

He cried without a sound.

It felt like his heart was shattered in a million pieces.

A part of his brain said, that maybe it was better to get up and walk to his room, before someone would find him like this. But he could not bring himself to get off the couch. He had the feeling that if he would move an inch, his body would fall apart in a thousand pieces.

Everything seemed empty and pointless.

Ste opened his mouth, just to say something, something, no matter what. Just to break the dreadful silence that was hanging in the room, the silence that made him lose his mind, but the only thing he heard, was a strange cracking sound. The sound of his own voice, which wasn't even capable to form a word, brought back the tears in full force.

He had been fighting against it for so long, that he had started to believe it had actually worked. He had been so willingly to believe it, but he had been fooling himself. Never a day got by without thinking off Brendan. Without feeling Brendan. Without missing Brendan.

Ste wished he could flee, but he knew escaping was not possible.

It never had been.

He finally accepted what he actually had known all along.

He still loved Brendan Brady.


	9. Chapter 9

**It's a quite long chapter this time. Anyway, I'm going on vacation for two weeks to Denmark, so I won't be uploading for a while. Luckily there are a lot of other great authors with other great stories you can read! I hope you enjoy reading this though.**

**Chapter 9**

**5.30**

Ste laid on his back and stared at the ceiling. At a certain moment last night, he had found the strength to drag himself off the couch and to his bed. He had hoped for some sleep, but he was already in bed for three hours and he hadn't slept a wink. He didn't expect that, that would happen anymore. His thoughts hadn't left him alone for one moment.

He turned around, so he was lying with his back to the door. In about an hour the kids would probably wake up and then he would be obliged to get out of bed, without a moment of sleep. And since it was Sunday, he would have to keep them busy all day. Usually he was always looking forward to the Sundays, he didn't have to work and he could spend the whole day with his kids. Now he was so tired and he felt so broken down, that he wondered if he would even find the strength to get out of bed. But Amy was ill, so he didn't have much choice, although a whole day with his kids would at least distract him from everything that had happened last night.

Ste turned around again, now with his face towards the door. The whole night he had been tossing and turning in the hope that he would fall asleep. Normally this was something that cost him no effort but tonight he just didn't succeed in falling asleep. This probably had also something to do with the fact that he was still wearing his clothes and that it had cost him half the night to stop crying. His eyes were thick and red. He probably looked like a complete mess. Everything that could have gone wrong that night had gone wrong and….. he looked horrible. Somehow that thought was so funny that he started to laugh. A painful laugh that started in his throat and slowly took possession of him until his whole body shook with laughter. Ste put a hand over his mouth to mute the sound he was making. Everything was just so ridiculous. First Doug with another guy and then Brendan… Doug and Brendan. An image of Brendan and Doug together in bed popped up in his head. This image was so strange that Ste's laughter only increased. He laughed until his cheeks and stomach hurt, until the tears rolled down his face again, until he had forgotten why he had started laughing in the first place. Slowly the laughter faded and past into sobs. A painful sort of crying, the sort you only do when you know you're completely alone, knowing that no one can hear you. Ste grabbed the blanket that he had kicked to his bed ending and pushed a part in his mouth so he wouldn't wake Amy and the children. Ste pulled his legs to his chest and surrendered to his grief.

After a while the heavily sobs became less intense and his thought became more and more blurred. For a moment he fought against the sleep, knowing that he had to get out of bed soon for the kids, but it was a fight he couldn't and didn't want to win. His mind was finally empty and with one hand still placed over his mouth and his other arm protective over his knees, he finally fell asleep.

**6.30**

Amy felt the soft prodding of Leah in her side and moaned softly. She still was very tired. The disease had taken its toll and although she felt a little better, she would have preferred to stay in her bed for awhile but Leah clearly thought differently about that. She heard the soft sound of her little girl's voice:

"Mommy are you awake"?

Amy opened her eyes to look at her daughter whom was sitting next to her on the bed.

"Yeah, I'm awake, how are you feeling"?, she asked yawning.

"I'm fine, mommy. Are we gonna have breakfast"?

At that moment Amy heard the door of her bedroom upon up and she saw Lucas walk in barefoot. It really was time to get out of bed. And that while it was Sunday. But that's what you got when you had two young children, but she wouldn't want to miss them for the world. She sat up straight and lifted Leah over her and on the floor beside the bed.

"Take you brother to the kitchen, Leah".

While the children walked out of her room, Amy stretched and threw the blankets off. She put on her slippers, walked in her pajamas to the kitchen and made breakfast for her and the kids, while Leah and Lucas were romping around. While she put the plates on the table, she remembered Ste. He really had looked dreadful last night, she didn't moan about it then, because he clearly had not been willing to talk about it, but something had gone terribly wrong on the party of Leanne. She walked in silence to Ste's room and knocked gently on the door. When he didn't answer, she opened the door and looked around the corner, just to see Ste rolled in his blankets, fast asleep. She saw the bags under his eyes and she knew he hadn't had much sleep last night. Slowly she closed the door. For now she would let him sleep. It appeared that he needed it.

**7.30**

O, no please, don't let it be morning already, not yet. But she knew that it was vain hope. Texas opened her eyes, looked at the sun that shone through a crack in her curtains, and sighed frustrated. Yesterday couldn't possibly had gotten any worse. First Dodger hadn't showed up, then Ste had seen how Doug, _Doug_ of all people, was dancing with a stranger. And if all of that hadn't been bad enough, a drunken Dennis had tried to kiss Leanne, Leanne had given him a slap in the face and Dennis had walked away like a hurt dog. To make matters worse, their apartment was a complete mess after everyone had finally left and she only had had three hours of sleep. Maybe a shower would make her feel somewhat better. She kicked the blankets off, took some clean clothes out of her closet, walked in stockinged feet to the bathroom and turned on the tab. When the water was hot enough, she stepped underneath it and let the water run over her face. She still had to tell Doug that Ste had seen him yesterday. Last night he'd been unresponsive. It had cost a lot of trouble to get him into his bed, so paralyzed had he been. And since she was the only one that knew that Ste had seen him and someone had to enlighten him…

This really was going to be a great day…

**8.30**

Doug opened his eyes, and immediately closed them again when the bright sunlight shone into his eyes. Apparently he'd forgotten to close his curtains yesterday. He felt a pounding in his head and his stomach tightened. How much had he drank last night? He racked his brains, but he couldn't come up with it. He knew that it had to be much, otherwise he wouldn't be feeling so bad right now. He managed to sit up straight in his bed, without opening his eyes and a wave of nausea came over him. He tried to breathe calmly, to suppress the feeling. He threw his legs over the bedside. With his eyes still closed, he got up and he felt how the world began to turn around him.

That was not good.

He let himself collapse carefully on the bed and he pulled the covers over his head. What had happened yesterday? He could remember that he'd spent some time with Leanne and Texas, they had been talking, he had been drinking a few beers and he had been waiting for Ste to come. The longer the evening had lasted and the longer it took for Ste to come, the more Doug had been drinking. Eventually Ste hadn't come, or had he? He didn't know. Doug wished he could remember more of what had happened last night. The last thing he remembered was that he had been standing in the kitchen and that Dennis had suggested that maybe he had have had enough, after that it was all a big blur. He hoped he had behaved himself, that he hadn't done something embarrassing like dancing on the table, or making a complete fool of himself in front of Ste. Doug had to laugh at the idea of Leanne and Dennis telling him the story in full detail of all the stupid things he had done. Maybe they were already awake. He opened his eyes again, trying to get out of bed, but felt a pang rushing through his mind. Leanne and Dennis could wait. He just was too tired to stand up. He pulled the blankets a little higher, first he would get some more sleep.

**9.30**

Brendan yawned loudly while he slowly woke up. He was lying on his back on his bed and he could see the early morning light, that shone through his window, through his closed eyes. He stretched with his eyes closed but stiffened when his arm touched something warm and hard. Brendan turned his head lightly to the left and opened one eye.

The warm and hard thing he had just touched, seemed to be someone's naked back. Above that back there was a neck and some blond hair that was lying on a pillow. The rest of the body was covered with a blanket. His blanket. His pillow. His bed.

From who on earth was this back and what was it doing in his bed?

Brendan turned his head away from the thing in his bed and back to the ceiling.

Vaguely he remembered something about a conversation he had have had with Cheryl yesterday. It had been about something she thought he should do. She had proposed something and it had given him some kind of idea.

Aha. Distraction.

That back was the back of Distraction.

Brendan looked back at the body in his bed and shook his head in annoyance, that still didn't explain what Distraction was still doing here. Why was it that they never understood that a one night stand meant that it was a one night stand. That didn't include a morning.

He growled frustrated by the poor start of his morning and threw his legs over the bedside. It was about time that Distraction left the house.

For a moment Brendan was tempted to throw Distraction of off his bed (literally) but with some difficulty he managed to keep himself from doing that. It was better if Cheryl and Lynsey weren't woken up by a loud thump of a body falling on the ground. It would only cause unnecessary questions. Instead Brendan collected the clothes, which were lying on the floor. He threw his own dirty clothes in a hamper in the corner and put on some clean clothes. Now he only had to find a way to wake up Distraction.

Brendan stroke his mustache thoughtfully. Distraction was most certainly not his real name. Yesterday Distraction had told him what his name was, but he couldn't remember it anymore. Not that it mattered. The most important thing right now, was to get Distraction out of here before the rest of the house woke up.

Brendan clenched Distraction's clothes into a ball and threw it at him as hard as possible.

Immediately there came some movement in the mountain of clothes, blankets, hair and skin and a head popped up from it, still dazed by sleep.

"What"? mumbled the voice of Distraction still hoarse off sleep.

"Time to go", Brendan growled.

"Don't you want to come back to bed"?, Distraction asked while looking at him in a way from which he apparently thought that it was seductive.

Brendan looked back blankly.

God, had he really been sleeping with this nitwit?

Most men would have dived back into bed immediately but Brendan kept on standing were he stood and waited. The lustful gaze that Distraction pointed at him, took off slightly when it appeared that it did not work on him.

After what seemed like a lifetime, there came some movement in Distraction and he sat up straight.

"Are you sure that.."?

Brendan lifted an eyebrow but said nothing.

Distraction stopped moving again and Brendan wondered what took him so long.

"Get dressed"!, he snapped annoyed.

Distraction turned red and mumbled: "Can't you give me some privacy"?

"There's nothing I haven't seen yesterday and you weren't embarrassed then, so move it. I want you out of here before my sister wakes up".

Within a minute Distraction was dressed and Brendan led him to the door. Brendan opened the door and looked outside to see if the streets were empty. When he was assured that this was the case, he grabbed Distraction by the collar of his jacket and dragged him outside, through the door. Distraction turned around to say something but Brendan closed the door in the man's face.

Right at that moment he heard footsteps behind him and he turned around. Lynsey walked down the stairs, dressed in her bathrobe.

"You're early", she said sleepily.

Brendan smiled amused and said: "I thought let's make a nice breakfast for my two favorite girls in the world".

Lynsey looked at the empty table and asked: "Then where is that breakfast you're talking about"?

"I'm going to get that right now".

Brendan opened the door, Distraction was nowhere to be seen, and left the house. He could hear Lynsey calling after him: "But its Sunday. The shops are closed".

Brendan's smile turned into a grin but he didn't slow down his pace. He would find a way to get breakfast but first he needed to take a walk so he could clear his mind. Somehow Distraction had managed to leave him with a strange feeling. A feeling like he knew him somehow. Even though Brendan couldn't remember ever seeing him before. Brendan shook his head. He had never seen him before. He never forgot faces. Never.

Not for the first time this week Brendan was so lost in thought that he didn't notice that someone was walking in his direction until he slammed against that person. In this case that person was Amy.

"Brendan, watch were you're going".

"I could say the same too you", Brendan said with a smooth smile.

She rolled her eyes but said nothing.

"So, how are you doing?", he asked her.

"Okay I guess. I was sick but I'm feeling a lot better now".

"I'm glad to hear that and how's Steven"?

She shrugged and answered : "He's.."

"Mommy you promised that we would go to the playground", Leah said as she pulled Amy's arm.

"I know sweetie but mommy is having a conversation right now. Just go and play with you brother for a sec".

"Okay". Leah took Lucas by his hand and together they walked towards two other children, their age, who were playing with a ball while their parents were watching them. Soon the four of them were throwing the ball at each other.

Amy and Brendan watched how the children played for a while.

The silence between them continued and Brendan didn't expect Amy to answer his question anymore. He had been surprised that she had spoken to him at all, considering their past. It had been months since he and Amy had talked. He knew she hated him and he couldn't blame her, she had every right to. So he was more than a little surprised when she said: "I don't know what happened on that party yesterday, but I do know that something went terribly wrong".

He moved his gaze from the children to Amy and asked: "How do you mean"?

With her eyes still focused on the children she said: "Last night I came out of my bed to get something to drink and I found him sitting in the living room, in the dark. Staring into nothing. I just had never seen him so…"

"So what", Brendan said encouraging when her words trailed off.

She settled her gaze on Brendan and looked at him for the first time in months.

"So desperate", she finally answered.

Wrinkles appeared on her forehead. She clearly was very worried about Steven. That meant that he really had been in a bad state last night. Brendan's jaw tightened and he felt the guilt ran over him. It was his fault that Steven was feeling so bad.

Brendan breathed in the air deeply, trying to keep his cool.

He knew that Steven had seen him with that bloke last night. That was the only reason he had been sleeping with that man in the first place. Yes, it had been fun but the only thing he had wanted to achieve was that Steven felt how it was to see the person he loved with somebody else. Deep inside, Brendan had to admit that he had wanted Steven to know what it had felt like when he saw him and Doug kiss, how it had felt when Steven chose Doug over him. Admittedly it was part of the plan, but yet somehow he had hoped that Steven would chose him anyway, even though so much had happened between them. And even though he would never admit it, it had hurt when Steven chose Doug. It had hurt a lot.

But it had never been his intention to hurt Steven so much. Somehow he just hadn't expect that it would hurt Steven as much as it apparently did. Maybe Steven loved him more than Brendan had thought he did. For the very first time since Brendan had started his plan, he felt a little bit of doubt. He was doing the right thing, right?

The slightest bit of panic came over him and with great difficulty he managed to keep it out of his voice when he asked: "And now"?

She shrugged and said: "He was asleep when I woke up this morning, but you could see he had been crying".

Brendan imperceptibly winced together. Steven had been crying. Crying because of him.

Suddenly an incredible desire to see Steven came over him, to see if he was alright. He had to see him. He had no idea how he would get into their house, but he would find a way. He had to. Just so he could see with his own eyes that Steven was okay, nothing more.

At that moment Lucas started crying. Apparently he had tried to catch the ball but he had fell and now his knee was bleeding.

"Could you look after this for a moment, please", Amy said and without waiting for an answer she placed her bag into his arms and walked over to Lucas.

Brendan looked from the bag, to Amy and back to the bag.

After a minute Amy managed to get Lucas back on his feet with the promise that he would get an ice cream. She took the bag out of Brendan's arms and with Leah and Lucas both at one hand she walked towards an ice cream shop. Brendan watched them until they were out of sight. He let his hand slip into the left pocket of his jacket and took Amy's keys out…

**10.30**

Brendan put the key in the lock and turned it. The door opened with a light cracking and he stepped inside. He walked towards the kitchen and put the keys on the counter. Hopefully Amy wouldn't notice that her keys were missing just yet and when she did notice, she would probably just think that she had left them in the house. Well that's where they were anyway.

As quiet as he could, Brendan walked towards Steven's bedroom. Once reached, he held still in front of the door. He listened if there was any sound but there was nothing but silence behind the door. He put his hand on the clink. What if Steven was awake?

He decided that it didn't matter and he opened the door.

Inside it was a complete mess. There were toys and clothes everywhere. There was barely any ground left to see. In the middle of the room there was a narrow bed. In that bed there lay a person.

Steven.

His slim figure was curled up into a ball, one arm protectively over his body like he was worried that it could fall apart and that was the only way to keep that from happening.

Brendan walked to the side of the bed, making sure that he didn't stand on anything that would possibly wake up Steven. Once he had reached the bed he let himself drop to Steven's eyelevel. His beautiful blue eyes were closed, he was fast asleep. He had big bags under his eyes and his eyes were red and swollen from crying. His hair was tousled by sleep and his mouth was slightly open.

One tear had escaped from Steven's eye. Brendan reached out his hand and softly wiped the tear from the boys cheek. Even while he was asleep he hadn't stopped crying. Brendan felt a pang of guilt, knowing that he was the cause of those tears. He knew that he should take his hand away but instead he let his hand glide up as he stroke very lightly over Steven's closed eyelids. Then he stroke with his hand over Steven's nose, his forehead, his blond hair. Making sure that he did not leave a part of Steven's face untouched. At the very last he touched Steven's lips. Steven's beautiful lips that once used to kiss him passionately. It seemed such a long time ago. He followed the shape of those beautiful lips with his fingers. Eventually he managed, after what seemed like an eternity, to take away his hand from Steven's face.

Brendan rose carefully, trying not to make a sound, and looked at the face of the boy that meant more to him then he dared to admit to himself.

He studied Steven until every part of the boy's body, was printed into his memory. He promised himself that Steven would never be hurt like this again. Not by him. Not by anyone. Then he leaned forward and pressed his lips gently on Steven's forehead.

Brendan straightened his back, turned around and walked over to the door. Once reached, he turned around for a last glimpse of the sleeping boy, what he saw made him pause for a moment. Steven smiled…

**11.30**

Ste blinked his eyes against the bright sunlight as he slowly woke up. He really had had such a strange dream. Ste shook his head trying to shake away the feeling of happiness that he felt in his stomach and he noticed that he was smiling. It had only been a dream but somehow it had felt so real! In his dream Brendan had kissed him on his forehead. Ste touched that place. He could still feel Brendan's lips.


	10. Chapter 10

**Here's my new update, thanks for reviewing. Enjoy ;)**

**Chapter 10**

Brendan stood on the balcony of Chez Chez. He leaned at his ease against the railing, his legs crossed at his ankles. Standing here always gave him a slight feeling of power. Warren was gone and there were few other people who dared to cross him. And the few who did… Brendan stroke with his hands over his forehead. Yesterday had been a moment of weakness, but it had made him realize that it was time for some action.

xXx

Ste arrived at the deli half an hour to early. He unlocked the door with his key and let himself in. Normally he was never this early but he needed some alone time before Doug would arrive. Yesterday it had been easy to avoid him but now it was Monday, they had to work together all day, it really was impossible. Yesterday Doug had called him multiple times and he had even come knocking at his door but Amy had shut the door in his face. He hadn't told her what had happened. She had pressed the point but he hadn't given in, all he had told her was that Doug and him had some problems. She had proposed to cover his shift today, so he wouldn't have to face Doug but he had refused. After all he wasn't the one who had made a mistake and he really wanted to hear what Doug had to say.

Ste put on the lights and walked towards the counter. He made some coffee and poured it into a mug to drink it later. He took a broom from behind and started sweeping. On Mondays they always started with a big cleanup before they opened the Deli. Normally they did that together, but since he was already here, he might as well start cleaning and it was always nice to have something to do.

About forty- five minutes later he heard that someone opened the door of the Deli. He didn't turn around, but from the footsteps he heard, he knew it was Doug who was entering. Ste sighed. This morning at breakfast he had succeeded pretty good in not thinking about the upcoming confrontation, but since he had entered the Deli, he hadn't thought about anything else. Against all odds he was still hoping Doug would come up with a very good excuse for what he had done.

Ste turned reluctantly to face Doug, who was still standing in the doorway. He waited until Doug would do or say something, but when that didn't happen, Ste took a cleaning cloth and threw it at him. Doug caught it just yet. Ste gave a nod with his head towards the counter and understanding the hint Doug started to clean it.

About thirty minutes later the Deli was spick and span and was ready to be opened. Ste leaned against the counter, they still hadn't exchanged a word. Doug walked towards the door and Ste saw how he wanted to turn the sign from closed to open.

"Wait," Ste scoffed "I think it's better if you lock the door, cause we don't want everyone walking in while we're having a conversation, do we? Or were you planning on ignoring me for the rest of the day?" And for the second time that day Ste threw something at him, this time the keys.

Doug caught the keys with his right hand and closed the door reluctantly, presumably knowing that a conversation couldn't be avoided anymore.

Doug turned around but kept quiet, unable to think of anything to say.

Ste folded his arms and waited impatiently. As far as he was concerned It could take all day till Doug spoke, but he would not open the Deli until he had an explanation. That much Doug owed him.

"So, are you even going to say something at all," he snapped. Ste had promised himself that he would at least try to be understanding and not get mad but he couldn't care less about that know. He had every right to be mad and if Doug wasn't going to say anything then he wouldn't even try to be understanding.

Doug opened his mouth and the first words coming from his lips, not surprisingly, were: "I'm really sorry about what happened".

"You're sorry"? Ste repeated, he shook his head in disbelief: "So am I".

"What do you mean by that"? Doug stammered.

"What do you think it means"?

"What you saw two days ago…. It meant nothing," Doug said feeling anxious.

"You were dancing with another guy and it meant nothing," Ste said, his anger grew with the second. "And I've got to believe that, really"?!

"I know what It looked like, but you were late and..".

"Oh, so now you're gonna blame this on me"?!

"I didn't say that," Doug said desperately: " I know it's my fault."

"Oh, you know it's your fault. At least were getting somewhere, eh".

"I know how you must be feeling right now".

"No, you don't…," Ste countered: "You don't know how I feel right now".

"Yeah I do, I know exactly how you feel. You remember when you kissed Brendan in front of me"?

"Oh, now we're gonna bring Brendan up too, let's do that," Ste said cynical.

"Don't act like that".

"LIKE WHAT DOUG, LIKE WHAT"?! Ste shouted.

"Like Brendan has nothing to do with this".

Ste looked at him sharply, realization hitting him. Doug was right. This was not only about Doug, it was also about Brendan. He was just as mad at Brendan as he was at Doug. It felt like they both had cheated on him. Although Brendan hadn't. But Doug didn't know about Brendan and that guy. So why would he say something like that. Unless…

"So that's what this is about, about taking revenge on me because I kissed Brendan two freaking months ago?! Because you still feel hurt and betrayed because I kissed him?! What did you think, huh? Let's flirt with a random guy, so Ste will know how I felt back then". He knew he was saying things he probably shouldn't say, but he couldn't help it.

"No, I…"

"No, I don't want to hear it," Ste interrupted: "If you want to blame anyone for me kissing Brendan, then you can blame yourself. Cause if I remember it correctly you were the one who leant 80.000 grand from him. Not me Doug. YOU! All I did was trying to give us some kind of future. A Brendan free one, but you just had to get him involved".

"I just wanted to make sure that our dream came true, I couldn't disappoint you".

Ste suddenly felt washed out.

"But that's exactly what you did, disappoint me".

"I'm really sorry".

"You already said that".

"I don't know what else you want me to say".

Ste's anger returned at Doug's words and grew even stronger than before.

"No, I already thought that! All I hear from you are excuses! First you blame me, then Brendan. Who is next, eh, Texas?!

"I know there is no excuse for what I did, but you are being unreasonable".

"Why do you keep on blaming me?! Ste didn't even bother restraining the anger from his voice. "You were the one dancing with another guy, not me"!

"I WAS DRUNK"! Doug shouted.

"So? That makes it all okay then. Oooh Doug's been drunk, so now it doesn't matter that he was flirting with another guy, cause he was drunk," his voice was filled with sarcasm.

"I wasn't flirting," Doug countered.

"Well from where I was standing it certainly looked like it".

"Well I didn't mean for it…".

"Yeah you did, you did and you know why? Because you wanted it to. Because even if you were drunk you must've reminded me somehow, your subconscious must have reminded me. You knew you were wrong but you still did it".

"You know what. I'm not gonna talk with you, when you're like this".

Doug unlocked the door and opened it.

"Yeah, just walk away, that's all you're good at"!

Doug walked out of the door without responding. The door closed after him.

Ste took the coffee that was still standing on the counter and threw it at the door.

The mug smashed into pieces when it hit the door and the coffee splashed over the floor.

Ste looked at the coffee on the floor and sighed, he didn't even bother to clean it up, instead he just put his arms on the counter and let his head rest on them. That didn't go exactly as planned, he had wanted to be understanding but the sight of Doug had undone all his good intentions. Seeing Doug had made him revive that night and this had made him feel so horrible that he just had gotten mad. So maybe he had been unreasonable a bit, much, very much but is was not like Doug deserved it any less.

The bad thing was that most of his anger hadn't even been directed at Doug but just at everything in general. All the anger that he had held for the last two days had come out at once. Cause he wasn't only mad at Doug but also at Brendan. And because he had no right to blame Brendan for kissing that man, he blamed Doug harder for just dancing and flirting with that guy than he actually had intended to. But most of all he was mad at himself, mad because even after everything he still loved Brendan.

Ste heard someone clearing his throat, apparently someone had entered the shop without him noticing. Ste looked up by that sound and saw before him, in the middle of the shop, the one person he didn't want to see at all. Even though he couldn't ignore that his heart started to pound harder against his chest by the sight of him.

"Brendan". Ste tried to make his voice sound cool and reserved.

He knew he had to do something about the realization he had had the day before yesterday. But although he had admitted to himself that he still loved Brendan, didn't mean that anyone else needed to know about that. Not yet anyway and certainly not the man that was standing in front of him.

"Steven". He heard Brendan pause for a moment, before he said: "How are you doing"?

Ste had to struggle to find the strength not to respond irritated. He didn't want to have a polite conversation with Brendan. He didn't want to see Brendan. He didn't want anything from Brendan. He didn't want anything from anyone. He just wanted people to leave him the hell alone!

But instead of getting angry and saying the things he actually wanted to say, he said tersely: "I'm great".

"Yeah"? He felt Brendan's eyes run over his face. He knew he still looked horrible, but what did he expect after two nights of barley sleeping due to the demons in his head and the fact he just had had a fight with his boyfriend.

So he couldn't really blame Brendan when he looked not convinced by Ste' s answer, although he added: "Good".

They were silent again and Ste couldn't remember ever feeling so uncomfortable as he felt right now. He almost wanted to ask what Brendan was doing here, when Brendan asked the one question, Ste would've given his live for, if he didn't need to answer it.

"How was Leanne's party"?

xXx

Brendan looked at the boy who was standing in front of him. He looked tired, dreadful and messed up. Brendan could not tell what was going on in his head, but he knew Steven never had looked so sad as he did right now. He felt the painful feeling of quilt, but pushed it away. Yesterday he had thought things through and he had come to the conclusion that, although it never was his intention to hurt Steven so badly, he could not let it affect his plan. He knew that in the end, it would all turn out fine.

Brendan let his gaze wander off to the floor, which was covered with coffee and pieces of porcelain. When he had entered the shop he also had wondered what the coffee was doing on the floor. Now he was thinking about it, it seemed presumably that Ste had had the need to lose some of his anger and that the mug had paid the price.

He looked at Steven again, searching for his eyes, and he saw him struggle to give him a good answer. But eventually Steven just said:

"It was great".

"Was it now? Ok".

He knew Steven was lying, not only because he already knew it hadn't been great, but also because Steven was a really bad liar.

He stepped a little closer to Steven.

"So tell me then, how can it be, that you're telling me you are great, when you look so messed up right now"?

He could see the pain and frustration in Steven's eyes and he wished he knew where Steven was thinking about.

"I don't wanna talk about it, not with you".

"So with who are you gonna talk about it, with Dougieboy"?

From the look on Steven's face, he could tell he hit a nerve.

"Aaah, don't tell me, there's trouble in paradise".

"That's none of your business, Brendan". He heard the soft trembling in Steven's voice.

Brendan looked at Steven for a moment, something was going on, something Steven wasn't telling him. He didn't like it when people hid things from him. He shrug his shoulders unnoticeably, eventually he always found out.

"So are you just gonna stand there and stare at me, or are you gonna tell me what you're actually doing here?" He heard Steven ask harshly.

Brendan smiled and said: "I came here to get Cheryl's weekly salad. She's had some things to do so she can't get it herself".

Steven looked at him slightly surprised, with a little disbelieve, but when they're eyes met, it suddenly turned into a jeering expression.

"How do I know that you are not gonna eat it"?

Brendan smile turned into a grin:

"Me and a salad. Really Steven"?

Any other person would have missed it, but Brendan did see the slight smile that crossed Steven's face and he felt warmth spreading through his body cause he made the sad expression disappear for a moment. Even though that smile faded almost immediately after it appeared.

"Yeah, you would never eat something that healthy".

Steven took some ingredients and started to work on Cheryl's salad.

Brendan watched how Steven made the salad. His hands worked quickly and precisely, in a way that only professional cooks could. Brendan could see the change in the boy's body. His shoulders relaxed a bit, a concentrated look had appeared on his face and the sadness in his eyes had disappeared and was replaced by a serious look that was completely focused at his work. Still Brendan could see something sparkle in those eyes, something that you could only describe as enjoyment.

Steven enjoyed this work in a way that he never had enjoyed working at the club. Brendan knew that Steven had liked working there but not the way he loved the work he was doing now. At the end maybe that was the most important thing. This work made Steven happy. The plan existed for totally different reasons but even if his plan would fail (though he doubted it would) at least something good had originated from it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

Brendan walked hastily out of the bathroom and looked at his watch. Dammit, it was already seven fifty. He would come too late if he didn't hurry. He walked off of the stairs, into the living room, meanwhile pulling his jacket over his shirt. He walked towards the table, were Cheryl was sitting, and grabbed his keys which were laying on the counter.

"Good morning sis," he said hurriedly while taking the toast from her plate and taking a bite.

"Hey, I was eating that," She said semi-annoyed, it wasn't the first time Brendan stole her food.

"I'll make it up to you later," Brendan promised as he walked towards the door.

"Where are you going this early"? Cheryl asked.

"I've got to go, otherwise I'll be late".

"Where do you possibly have to go at this hour"?

Brendan had already opened the door and paused for one moment so he could look at her.

He smirked, ignoring her question, and said: "I'll see you at the club".

He heard Cheryl calling his name but he didn't respond, instead he just left the house and closed the door behind him. He really had to hurry if he still wanted to make it in time.

Brendan walked down the stairs just in time to see Steven turn up from around the corner. Steven past the stairs without noticing him and Brendan speeded up his pace to catch up with him. Once he had reached Steven he slowed down his pace and adapted Steven's so they could walk in the same tempo, next to each other.

Steven turned his head so his eyes could meet Brendan's and he asked him: "Is something the matter, Brendan"?

"No, I'm just going to my work," Brendan answered.

Steven arched an eyebrow. "Then let me ask you another question. What is the matter that you are walking towards your work with _me_"?

"I thought let's give you the pleasure of my company as our work is in the same direction anyway" .

Steven smiled slightly, a corner of his mouth turning up.

"What"? Brendan asked with a playful sparkle in his eyes.

Steven chuckled and said: "You're really unbelievable".

Brendan grinned and said: "I know".

Steven rolled his eyes but the smile stayed on his place when he said: "The worst part is that you actually see that as a compliment".

By the time Steven said that, they had stopped walking and were standing in front of the deli.

"So I'll guess this is the part where I wish you a nice day and we separate our ways," Brendan said, amusement covering his voice.

Steven's eyes never wavered from Brendan's as he spoke: "Right. Well, I hope you have a nice day too".

Brendan nodded at Steven, turned around and started walking towards Chez Chez.

"Oh I will," Brendan muttered to himself with a smirk on his face. "I will".

xXx

Ste entered the deli and… immediately lost his good mood.

Doug was already there, preparing the food for today. They hadn't talked after their fight yesterday. He supposed that had been for the best because it probably would have led to a new fight. Doug hadn't returned after he had walked out of the deli and Ste had had to run the deli on his own the whole day. It had been busy so he had to work very hard to get everything done but at least it had kept his mind off of things.

Luckily it was Tuesday and that meant that he would have the afternoon off. That was something they had decided, even before the deli was opened for the first time. Every week he would have the Tuesday afternoon off and Doug would have the Wednesday afternoon off. But it still would be a _long_ morning.

Doug kept on working, apparently oblivious to the fact that Ste had entered. Or Doug was just ignoring him, that was another possibility. Ste looked at Doug, he seemed nervous and tense. The last possibility was more likely.

Ste walked away from the door and to the other side of the deli so he could grab his apron. He walked with extra noise, just to check if he would get an reaction from Doug. Doug kept on looking at his work but Ste knew for sure that Doug must have heard him. So Doug was ignoring him. Well if that's what Doug wanted. Then he could do the same.

It was busy that morning. Ste was happy with that for two completely different reasons. Firstly it meant that he didn't have to be alone with Doug for most of the time. Doug did the interacting with the customers and he worked on the food, so they only talked when it was really necessary. Secondly it meant that the deli made a lot of money that morning, just as yesterday. His life may be very complicated right now but that was at least something to be happy about.

Ste looked at the clock every few minutes, this made the time only pass slower. But eventually the large hand past the twelve and it became afternoon. Ste sighed weary but relieved. Only one hour left then he was finally allowed to leave.

Ste glared longing outside, it really had been a horrible, long and boring morning. He stiffened when he saw a very familiar figure walk past the window. Please not now, Ste thought. He turned his head away, against all odds hoping that Brendan would just walk on and leave him alone. He heard the door open up and familiar footsteps which were walking in his direction. An ache started in his head but at the same time he felt the butterflies in his stomach. God, how could you be so happy and so annoyed to see someone at the same time?

It was the same this morning when Brendan had suddenly started walking next to him. On the one hand Ste had been happy to see him, it was stupid but somehow it had felt like he hadn't seen Brendan in a very long time, while in fact it had only been yesterday morning. On the other hand he had wanted to walk on as quickly as possible, lately he felt so nervous when he was around Brendan. Fortunately he had been able to pretend that nothing was wrong. Although his blood had started to flow faster through his body when Brendan hadn't just walked past him, as Ste had expected, but had slowed down his pace so he could walk next to Ste. And even his heart had started to beat harder because the man he loved was so close that he could touch him, without really being able to touch him. But he couldn't and wouldn't let Brendan know that he had such an big influence on him, so Ste had pretended like nothing was wrong. He had pretended like it was completely normal that Brendan had started walking next to him while it actually had been very strange.

It hadn't been the first time that they bumped in to each other while they were both walking towards work but normally Brendan walked past him, most of the times he didn't even greet Ste. And now they had had a whole conversation. A weird conversation, that much was true, but still a conversation. Brendan had even managed to make him laugh, to make him forget all of his problems for a while. Just like the old days. When there hadn't been so much that was standing between them.

Ste lifted his head and caught Brendan's eye. Sometimes he really wondered if Brendan knew what was going on in his head so intense he looked at him sometimes, so intense he looked at him right now.

"Hi Brendan, what can we do for you"?

Ste almost jumped out of his skin. For a moment he'd forgotten that Doug was here. Brendan looked strangely at him, apparently he had noticed Ste's startled response, before he shifted his gaze to Doug.

"Let me think, last time I was here, you made some great ham sandwiches and the time before that you made me some great jam sandwiches so I think I want both this time".

Doug nodded reluctantly and said: "Then we will make both for you".

"Good," Brendan said, moving his gaze back to Ste.

The door opened and a few customers entered the deli.

Doug walked towards the customers to greet them.

Brendan bended his head slightly to the left and kept on looking at Ste. Ste looked back and he could almost feel the tension increase. It felt like Brendan was looking for something. Like he was searching for some kind of answer in his eyes. Eventually he seemed to find whatever he was looking for, cause Brendan broke off their eye contact and shifted his gaze to Doug, who was walking in their direction again.

"Shall I help Brendan"? Doug proposed: "Then you can help the other customers".

Before Ste could respond, Brendan said: "Steven will help me".

"But…," Doug started to protest.

"Do you have any problem with that"? Brendan asked, cocking up an eyebrow.

"I just thought that…"

"Just leave it Doug," Ste snapped irritated. The whole morning Doug had been ignoring him and then suddenly he started talking to him when Brendan was here. And then he wanted to tell him what to do as well? Doug could get stuffed. "The customer is always right, remember? If Brendan wants me to make his sandwiches then I make his sandwiches".

"But…"

"There are customers waiting Doug," Ste said angry.

Doug looked at him for another moment before turning his back on him. He walked to the customers and started to take their orders.

Ste turned his head away from Doug just to find Brendan looking at him with an odd expression.

"What"? Ste snarled.

"Why do I get the feeling that you're not making my sandwiches because I want you to, but because Douglas doesn't want you to"?

"I don't know what you're talking about," Ste mumbled, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. He stared at his nails.

"Don't ya"? Brendan responded: "Then why can't you look at me right now"?

"You're just imagining things," Ste lied, still not looking at Brendan. He started to work on the sandwiches, so he could continue avoiding those blue eyes that were studying him intensely.

"Am I"? Brendan asked as he took a step closer to Ste. "Then tell me, why were you so determined to make my sandwiches"?

"Because… it's just… you wanted me too," Ste said uneasy.

"And since when do you do what I want you to do"? Brendan asked.

Ste opened his mouth to respond, but Brendan held up his hand.

"Don't. I can see when you're about to lie Steven, and you're about to lie right now. Don't waste my time by saying things you don't mean". Brendan moved even closer, so close that his body touched the counter. "I rather hear the truth. So, tell me what's going on between the two of you".

Ste considered telling Brendan about his problems with Doug for a second. It was tempting. He wanted to talk with someone about it so badly. He wanted to tell somebody and somehow Brendan seemed the right person to tell. He had so much on his mind right now and maybe Brendan could help him solve one of those problems. But he couldn't tell him, could he? What good would it do if Brendan knew? Ste looked at Doug who was helping the other customers. It wasn't the time and the place anyway.

Ste shrugged, trying to make Brendan believe that nothing important was going on, that he was fine: "It doesn't matter. Everything is fine and even if it wasn't, then it wouldn't be any of your business".

Brendan's eyes wandered over his face.

"Yes, it is. You just got me involved by using me as something to get him mad, to annoy him. Why"?

Ste finally looked up. "I'm not trying to get anyone mad. Why do you think something is going on anyway"?

"Maybe I just noticed the difference. This morning, when you were alone with me, you were laughing and you were in a good mood. Now you're here with Douglas, you're grouchy and irritated.

" I'm not…," Ste started offended.

Brendan arched an eyebrow.

"Alright maybe I am, but this morning was one of those _few_ occasions that you amused me. This is one of those _many_ occasions that you annoy me. That I'm grouchy and irritated is because of you, not because of Doug. Doug and me are perfectly fine".

"Who are you trying to convince of that? Me or yourself"?

Ste had the tendency to throw the sandwiches at Brendan's head but he changed his mind, cause that would only confirm Brendan's conclusion that something was going on. Instead, he grabbed the sandwiches which were ready, put them on a paper plate and lifted them over the counter so Brendan could take them.

Brendan reached out his hand so he could take the sandwiches. He grabbed the paper plate at his base, the same place were Ste held the plate, and his fingers touched those of Ste. Ste felt an electric shock at the place were Brendan fingers touched his, which burst through his body. Ste stiffened and looked down, to the place where their fingers met. He waited till Brendan would pull away, but when he didn't, Ste slowly looked up, his eyes meeting those of Brendan. He swallowed nervously and felt the butterflies return in his stomach when he saw the way Brendan looked at him. His deep dark blue eyes smoldered. Ste could almost feel the heat in Brendan's eyes, eyes that looked at him with unbridled desire.

Ste lowered his gaze, trying to break the intensity of the moment and pulled away his hand.

Without looking at Brendan, he said: "That's six pounds, please".

Brendan took some money out of his wallet and Ste took it, making sure that their fingers didn't touch again.

Ste put the money in the pocket of his apron, he would put it in the desk later. He grabbed a cleaning cloth and started to clean the counter thorough, just to have something to do. He could feel Brendan's eyes all over him, watching every move he made, but Ste didn't lift his head.

Suddenly he felt warm air touch his face and Ste looked up. His eyes widened. Brendan had placed his hands on the counter and was leaning forward, so close that Ste could see the wrinkles in Brendan's forehead and he could smell Brendan's aftershave.

"You can lie to yourself as much as you want, but I know you're not okay," Brendan said picking up the conversation as if nothing happened just now.

"Maybe you're right, maybe I'm not okay," Ste admitted, tired of denying what was obvious: "But why would you care? Why would you care if I wasn't okay"?

"You still don't understand, do you"? Brendan replied.

"Understand what"? Ste asked, oblivious to the fact that he had placed his hands on the counter and was leaning forward, closer to Brendan.

"That I would go to hell and back for you, even knowing how much you hate me right now".

Brendan thought… Ste blinked surprised. Brendan had no idea how far he was away from the truth.

"I don't… I don't hate you," Ste muttered, his eyes softened when he said that.

Brendan looked at him with an unreadable expression. Ste swallowed, unable to speak, but also unable to take his eyes off of Brendan. Brendan let his eyes rest on Ste for a moment longer, as if he wanted to assure himself that Ste meant the words he had just spoken. After that he stepped backwards and left the deli.

Ste pushed himself off the counter and let go of his bated breath. Always when he was this close to Brendan he felt like he couldn't breathe. Not in an unpleasant way, but in a way that if he would make any move, he would break the intensity of the moment they shared.

Ste focused his eyes on Doug, whom was still helping some customers. Apparently Doug had been oblivious to what had just happened between Brendan and him. Apparently he hadn't heard the things they had said. Sometimes Doug was so blind.

Ste looked at the door where Brendan had walked through only seconds ago.

He furrowed his brow. Everything was so confusing. Until three days ago he had thought that he had what he had always wanted. He had a boyfriend who loved him. A relationship out in the open. But now… He doubted everything. His relationship. His love for Doug. He loved Doug, but how could it be that he also loved Brendan? That he only had to see Brendan and his heart started to beat faster? That Brendan only had to look at him and he felt the butterflies in his stomach? Things he didn't feel when he looked at Doug. Ste ran a hand through his hair. He felt so confused. Brendan didn't make it any better by looking at him like that, saying things like that. It made him doubt everything even more. Everything was complicated enough without Brendan saying that he would go to hell and back for him. Ste closed his eyes. What had he meant with that anyway? Did that mean that he still cared for Ste? That Brendan still cared even after he had set him up and stole 80.000 grand from him? Did that mean that Brendan still loved him? Ste shook his head. He couldn't think about that now. He already had enough problems.

Ste looked at the clock on the wall. Only thirty minutes left, then he could leave the deli. He sighed weary. He would be happy to get out of here.

xXx

Brendan left the deli and paused for a moment.

"_That I would go to hell and back for you, even knowing how much you hate me right now". _He hadn't said it because he thought Steven hated him. Cause he knew Steven didn't hate him, he knew. It was just that he had wondered how Steven would react to his words, what he would say. "_I don't… I don't hate you"_. The way Steven had spoken those words, it send shivers down his spine thinking about it. There had been surprise and some kind of sadness in Steven's eyes cause Brendan had every reason to think he hated him. But those words. Steven had spoken the words with a tenderness that people only use when they talk to someone who they care about, who they love. Steven still loved him. He already knew that, but it was different to hear Steven say it. It hadn't been a love declaration, but in some strange way he had heard the love behind those words, and maybe that made those simple words worth more than every penny he had ever had. Brendan turned his head to the right, so he could look through the window of the deli, so he could look at Steven. There had been another reason why he had said those words._ "That I would go to hell and back for you"._ He had meant those words. He would go to hell for Steven. He would do it without a second thought. If it was for Steven, he would do it. It always seemed so obvious, but somehow Steven always seemed to forget. He had just wanted to remind Steven that he would do anything for him. In some weird kind of way, he'd wanted to remind Steven that he still loved him, even though he couldn't say that out loud. Not with everything going on.

Yesterday he had also noticed that something was going on, that Steven was hiding something from him. But now he knew for sure. Something had happened between Steven and Douglas. Something bad. They had almost started fighting in front of him. Their relationship was slowly falling apart, that much was obvious. He only had to find out what exactly had happened. And he would find out, it was only a matter of time.

Brendan looked at his watch. Only thirty minutes left till Steven would be free. Thirty minutes till Steven would go and get a coffee. Brendan took a bite of his ham sandwich and headed to College Coffee.

**Reviews are always welcome :)**


	12. Chapter 12

**Thanks for all your lovely reviews! Enjoy the new chapter! :D**

**Chapter 12**

Ste walked through the door of College Coffee and stood still by the counter where Amy was working. That morning had been the most horrible morning he had ever had. Thank god, it was Tuesday and he got the afternoon off. Another five hours in that silence, would certainly have killed him.

"Heey Ames," Ste said.

"Ste"! Amy said with cheerfulness in her voice: "You're free".

"Yes, finally," Ste answered with a relieved look on his face. He let himself fall on one of the bar chairs.

"Was it that bad"?

"Even worse".

"Do you still not wanna talk about it"? Amy asked.

He knew he probably should tell Amy the whole story, but he couldn't, besides she would only be worried.

So he shook his head: "Not really no".

She looked at him for a second, before she said: "Okay, want some coffee"?

"Yes please".

Amy didn't respond, but looked past him.

Ste frowned and asked: What's the matter"?

She looked at him like he caught her.

"It's Brendan," she said. Ste felt his heart jump up by the mention of Brendan's name and he looked around the room. He immediately recognized the long figure of Brendan. He was sitting on a couch on the other side of the room. He was holding a newspaper, from which he was just turning a page. "He's been here for a while now, been drinking coffee. But since you've entered he's been looking occasionally at you, Ste".

Like he knew Ste was looking at him, Brendan looked up, right into Ste's eyes. Ste felt his breath caught in his throat and his heart started to pound harder against his chest. Even now while they were both on the other side of the room, he could still feel the sultry tension between them.

The tension broke when Tony gave him a pack on the back, as he walked by and Ste looked at him.

"Good day Ste, having the afternoon off, eh".

"Yes," Ste replied.

"Don't keep her off her work, mister Hay. Like you always do".

"Don't worry, Tony. I won't stay long, have to do some shopping".

"All right then, give him a cup of coffee, Amy".

"I will", Amy smiled at Tony and he walked to the back. She went to the coffee- machine, while looking into the room.

"Amy, stop it", Ste said sharply.

"I can't help it. I'm getting nervous when he looks at us all the time".

"Okay, then I'm going to ask him to leave," Ste stood up from his bar chair.

"You don't have to do that, Ste", but he was already on his way to the place where Brendan sat.

"Ste," he heard Amy saying his name soft but sharply, but he didn't respond.

On his way towards Brendan he thought of a million things he could say to Brendan, but when he reached him, his mind suddenly felt blank. He just looked at Brendan and rubbed his hands to lose the nervousness he was feeling. He should have stayed with Amy, but it was too late to turn back now. He knew Brendan was aware of his presence, although he hadn't looked up yet.

He startled when he suddenly heard Brendan's voice:

"Are you just gonna stand there and stare at me, or are you gonna tell me what you're doing here"?

He felt his anger grow, Brendan was using his own words against him, that wasn't fair!

"Brendan, what are _you_ doing here"? Ste asked annoyed. Finally Brendan looked up.

"I'm drinking coffee, Steven", Brendan answered, looking at him with an emotion Ste couldn't quite place.

By Brendan's answer, Ste got even more irritated.

"Yeah, I can see that," he said impatiently.

"So why did you ask then"? Brendan replied, meanwhile folding the paper and putting it on the table in front of him.

"Don't do this Brendan".

"Do what"?

"THIS"! Ste answered, raising his voice: "These mind games"!

"Just because you and Doug had a fight don't mean you can take that out on me, Steven," Brendan answered.

Ste tried hard not to shout an answer at him. Brendan was right, he couldn't take his anger out on him. What Brendan had done was none of his business. But still he was angry, angry and hurt. It was unreasonable, he knew that and he knew he could not blame Brendan for what he had done, but that didn't change how he felt. But he could not and would not show Brendan what was haunting his thoughts. So he said:

"I'm sorry".

"That's okay, sometimes we all need to blow off some steam".

Ste wondered what he should say to that.

But apparently Brendan didn't expect a reply, because he continued: "So what happened between you two? And don't try to lie to me again Steven, when I walked into the Deli earlier this day, it felt like I walked into a freezer".

Ste hesitated for a moment. Could he tell Brendan? Was that a good idea? Just to buy him some more time he said:

"It's a long story, I will only bore you".

"You'll never bore me Steven," Brendan said with such an intense look, it gave him goose bumps. He didn't know what to say to that, not when he looked at him like he wanted...

"So why don't you come and sit here"? Brendan said, interrupting Ste's thoughts.

Ste hesitated again. On the one hand he wanted to make himself scarce, but on the other hand he wanted to sit beside Brendan on the couch. What did Brendan really want from him, anyway? And what did he really want from Brendan? He looked towards Amy, who was looking their way, he caught her eye and she shook her head lightly. Maybe it was better to walk away. That he just went home to over think all of these feelings he had and still kept him awake at night. But on the other hand all those wakeful nights still hadn't gave him a way out of this mess.

Before he realised what he was doing, he sat beside Brendan.

"Good boy".

"Don't patronize me, Brendan," Ste wanted to stand up again, but a hand upon his knee stopped him. His skin tingled, where Brendan touched him.

"It looks like you really need a talk, just don't pay too much attention to what I say".

Ste sighed. It wasn't really an apology, but it was the best he would get from Brendan, so he let it go at that. And even though it was hard to admit, he knew that he needed to talk with someone, or he would certainly end up insane. And although it was a little strange to talk about it with Brendan, he had the feeling Brendan would be the only one who would understand it, who would really understand it.

There fell a silence between them, while Ste was thinking about it all. And Ste remembered that he had always liked these silences with Brendan. This was one of these silences where they didn't have to talk for a while, they just sat there and looked at each other. This was one of the things Doug and he did not have.

Brendan was the one who broke it:

"So tell me, what happened between you and Douglas"?

Ste was thinking for a moment, before he said: "Where do you want me to start"?

"What do you think of the beginning"?

Ste cleared his throat and thought for a second before he began at the moment that he had thought he couldn't get into the house and how he had waited for someone to open the door, meanwhile devising why he was telling Brendan that.

Brendan watched him, while he was talking, with a look that didn't give away anything. Ste felt a little embarrassed when he told Brendan that he had found out he could just get into the house, but because Brendan still didn't say anything and he looked at him calmly, Ste found the strength to continue.

"So when I came in there it was crowded with people I didn't even know and you know how I dislike parties with so many people," Ste felt how his cheeks turned a little red when he said that and he saw Brendan turning up a corner of his mouth in recognition. He needed to take a deep breath before he continued. He let his eyes wander off, while he thought about that night: "So eventually I found Texas and I talked with her for a bit, meanwhile, looking around for Doug, but I couldn't find him, until...

His voice faltered.

"Until what Steven". Ste looked into Brendan's eyes, he saw curiosity in it, but also another emotion, that only could be explained as worry.

"He...," Ste swallowed: "He and that guy".

Brendan raised his left eyebrow: "What guy"?

"Doug danced and flirted with another guy," Ste had the feeling that a load was lifted of his shoulders, now he finally had said it out loud.

Brendan frowned and said: "He did? Why"?

"I don't know, he didn't really give me a good reason or anything," Ste said bitterly.

"So now you two have a fight".

Ste ran his hand through his hair: "A fight is an understatement, we're not even talking any more".

Brendan didn't reply, but just stared at him. Ste could not bear that and looked away.

Ste sighed when they were silent again. He looked straight ahead, aware that Brendan was still looking at him.

Ste mumbled to himself: "I've been wishing so hard that this relationship with Doug would not be complicated".

"Like it was with me," Brendan established with a low voice. Ste froze for a moment when he realized that Brendan had heard him.

"Yeah," Ste couldn't look at Brendan: "It was very complicated".

"I am complicated," Ste looked at Brendan, half expecting that Brendan was joking, but when Ste looked into Brendan's eyes, he saw a seriousness, that sent cold shivers down his spine. Ste didn't know what he should say to that. Brendan was right. He was the most complicated person he knew, it was the truth. From the way Brendan said that and how he looked at him, Ste knew Brendan didn't see it as a good thing, but maybe it was.

Ste opened his mouth to say something but Brendan cut him off: "Don't say anything. There are not many people who know me, Steven. Sometimes I don't even know myself," Ste wasn't sure, but it sounded a bit bitter.

"I know you, Brendan," Ste said, feeling the need to cheer Brendan up: "I know you're complicated and you've got many faces, but I know _you"_.

Brendan smiled at him, although there was no enjoyment in that smile: "You are one of the few people who know me, Steven. Who _really_ know me," he added.

Ste already knew that. He knew more about Brendan, then was probably good for him. He knew Brendan's bad sides, his darkness. But he also knew the funny guy, the person you could trust no matter what, who would do anything for you if he loved you. He didn't like all Brendan sides, but he knew that didn't stop him from loving Brendan.

"Yeah. Brendan, I -"

"Ste, here's your coffee," Amy interrupted. She was standing in front of the table, holding a cup. She looked at him accusingly and with anger. She only looked at him that way when he did something incredibly stupid.

"Thanks Ames," he wanted to take the cup from her hands but Amy put it with such a clunk on the table, that the coffee fell over the brim.

"I must be going," Brendan said. He stood up and took his jacket of the arm rest of the couch and put it on.

Ste couldn't help but look at Brendan, while his muscles moved under his white shirt, when he put on the jacket. He heard Amy clearing her throat and with some difficulty he moved his gaze from Brendan to Amy.

"Shouldn't you go to the shop, if we want to eat tonight"? She looked at him sharply.

"Yeah," Ste said, turning his head, towards Brendan, only to see that he wasn't there anymore.

He looked around just in time to see Brendan walking out of the door.

"You made him go," Ste snapped at Amy.

Amy put her head up and said with an air: "So what if I did? I don't understand why you would talk to him anyway".

"No you wouldn't, now would you"!? Ste shouted, while standing up: "I need to go".

"Ste wait," Amy called after him.

But Ste didn't want to listen to her and walked out of College Coffee. The bad thing was that because of Amy he started to doubt himself again. Had it been the right thing to tell Brendan about Doug and him? Or did he just made a big mistake?

xXx

Brendan stood in the alley that let to price slice and leaned against the wall. He saw Steven walking by in a fast pace. Brendan could just see a glance of his face, before he passed by. He didn't look

that happy. Maybe it was a better idea to leave the boy alone for the rest of the day, but since it was part of his plan, he ignored that thought. Besides he was enjoining himself very much, maybe even too much. But after two months of barely talking, he had convinced himself that he had deserved this trip, as he called it. He folded his arms. He would give Steven a few more minutes.

xXx

Brendan walked into the shop and his eyes immediately found Steven. He stood by the sauces for pasta, with his back towards him.

When Steven turned around, Brendan pretended he was very interested in the shelf with magazines.

He was almost sure Steven had seen him and he knew he was right, when he heard wavered footsteps walking his way. Brendan turned his head to the left.

"Brendan," Steven looked at him with a mixture of restlessness and uneasiness.

Brendan turned his whole body towards him: "Steven".

"What are you doing here"? Steven asked.

Brendan raised an eyebrow: "You seem to ask me that question a lot today".

"Yeah well, that's maybe because I see you a lot today," Steven frowned his forehead when he said that.

"Just coincidence," Brendan said, walking away from Steven, to the wine department.

He heard Steven following him and Brendan smiled a little, still standing with his back towards Steven.

"Brendan," now he definitely heard the worry and confusion in Steven's voice, and he turned around to face him:

"Yeah"?

"I am not gonna regret it that I told you, am I"? Steven asked, looking insecure.

Brendan could hardly resist touching that face, just to make the frown disappear, but he could just control himself. He said:

"I won't tell anyone if that's what you mean".

"No, that's not what I meant. I mean, you will stay out of it? You're not gonna meddle in, are you"?

Brendan could see how hard it was for Steven to say this to him, to show his vulnerability, he replied: "No Steven, I will not meddle in. I just...," Brendan paused for a moment before he said: "I'm just worried about you".

He saw Steven's eye soften and he felt a burning desire flowing through his body, that boy and his dammed eyes. Every time Steven looked at him with those eyes, he had a hard time, knowing he wasn't able to kiss him.

"I'm gonna be fine".

"No you won't," Brendan replied with a low voice: "Not when you stay with Douglas".

"You said you wouldn't meddle in," Steven said with a harsh voice.

"I'm not meddling in".

"Yeah, yeah you are," Steven answered with anger in his voice.

He turned around and walked towards the desk, where Franky stood.

Brendan knew he probably shouldn't do it, but he walked after him, in the meanwhile saying: "No, I'm not".

"Yes you are," Steven put the groceries on the desk, while he added: "Just a minute ago you said you wouldn't meddle in and now you try to get into my head, telling me what to do".

"So now I can't even make suggestions anymore," Brendan replied.

"No, not when it concerns my life," Steven wanted to put a jam jar on the desk, but it slipped between his fingers. Brendan could just catch it, before it hit the ground.

Steven swiftly took it out of his hands and muttered: "Thanks".

Brendan took a step closer to Steven. He was standing so close his chest touched Stevens back. He felt Steven's body stiffen and Brendan whispered in his ear: "Why keep on fighting what you want, Steven, what you _really_ want? Why? When you want to give into it so badly"?

"Thanks Franky," Steven said, Brendan heard his voice tremble with emotion, before he took the bags of the desk.

"You're welcome".

Steven walked out of the shop, without saying a word or looking back. Brendan followed him with his eyes, until he heard a voice saying:

"Can I help you"? Franky looked at him.

"No," Brendan answered, asking himself the question why she was talking to him and he walked out of the shop. Maybe he shouldn't have picked a fight in front of Franky, the greatest gossip of Hollyoaks, but hard tidings asked for great measures.

He wanted Steven to want him back.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

A man was sitting on a bench in the park. For most by passers he just seemed like an ordinary man sitting on a warm afternoon in the park, reading a paper.

Then you had the other by passers, the by passers who paid a little more attention. Those people noticed something strange about that man sitting in the park. The man wore a dark suit, shining shoes and sunglasses that looked very expensive. He seemed to be misplaced here. For a moment those by passers wondered what a man like that was doing at a place like this, but soon their minds were filled with their own little problems again, so they shrugged and walked on. The man was immediately erased from their minds.

Then you had the even more exceptional by passers who were intrigued, once they saw the man. They stopped for a moment. Stopped to look at the man. Those people couldn't help but wonder what kind of thing brought a man like this to a park. He was waiting for something, that much was clear. A man like that would never come to a park for his own amusement. Men like that only came here for serious business. Those people stared at him for a while before walking on and heading for their destination. But that man would fill their mind for the rest of the day. They would keep on wondering what the man was doing there. Knowing that they would never find out.

At the first sight the man didn't seem to be aware of the fact that those people were watching him. He seemed to be caught up in reading his paper, turning a page every now and then. But the man was aware and he wasn't reading. He was waiting. He was waiting till something or rather someone would arrive.

The man, Brendan, turned over another page. He looked over the edge off the paper and let his eyes wander through the park. It would only take a few more minutes till Steven would arrive. It would be their fifth meeting today. Their first meeting had been this morning when they were walking towards work. The next had been in the deli, where he had come by to buy some sandwiches. After that he went to College Coffee where Steven arrived half an hour later. The fourth time had been in the shops and now their fifth meeting would be in the park. Until now he had been able to convince Steven that it was just coincidence, but this time Steven wouldn't believe that. Not that it was coincidence anyway.

A few months ago Brendan had found out that Steven had every Tuesday afternoon off. He had figured that he could use it in his plan, so he had watched Steven closely on all those afternoons off. Soon he knew everything Steven did on those Tuesdays and he'd processed it into his plan, so he would meet Steven on every activity he did on that day. Of course it would all seem coincidence at first.

This part of the plan was actually pretty simple. The main part was that Steven would get to see him so often that he would get utterly crazy from seeing him. After having slept with that guy, Brendan knew for sure that Steven had realized he still loved him; otherwise Steven would never be so angry and frustrated around him all the time. Steven had once been trying to make himself believe that he didn't love him, but you couldn't lie to yourself forever. And what would be the worst thing if you realized you still loved someone who you absolutely didn't want to love? To see him. Cause that would make you feel all those things you know you shouldn't feel, but couldn't help feeling. And what would make those feelings even harder to fight? When you saw that person multiple times on one day, especially so many times on one day.

Even for Brendan it was sometimes hard to see Steven, cause he hated the fact that he wasn't able to touch Steven whenever he wanted, he hated the fact that they were not together. If it was so hard for him, and he had learned to control himself in that matter, then Brendan couldn't image how it must be for Steven. Knowing that the man you love is not the man who you're having a relationship with. Wanting someone so badly, knowing that there is no way you can be with him. Wanting to touch someone all the time knowing you can't. Cause Brendan knew that Steven thought it was wrong to want him, to wanna be with him. Steven thought it was wrong to love him.

Brendan yawned of boredom and turned another page. It was the same paper he had been holding in College Coffee a few hours ago. Not that he had any idea what it was saying, cause he hadn't read a letter of the paper. Nope, it was all just part of the act, it was all just pretending. Just a part of the image he was letting the world see of him today.

Brendan heard cheerful children shouting, although it was too far to understand what they were saying, and looked up. Two children were running around a man, who did not bother to calm them down. The girl kicked cheerfully at a ball, while the boy stumbled after her. The man watched the children with a loving look; a small smile softened the tiredness on his face.

The children ran, without noticing Brendan, along the bench. Steven walked calmly after them. He didn't even look at the bench where Brendan was sitting, he seemed to be totally lost in thought. This was no surprise, since he had a lot on his mind. After what Steven had told him Brendan knew that he wasn't the only one who had hurt Steven that night. Douglas had too. Only thinking about that name made him angry. That he, Brendan, had hurt Steven was one thing, but that Douglas had too, was too much to bear. Brendan had been tempted to go to Doug's and teach him a lesson, but that would do more harm than good. This time Douglas got away with it, but if he would ever hurt Steven, like that, again then he would regret it for the rest of his life. Though it had come out handy cause this was exactly the kind of thing that made Steven doubt his relationship. Now all Brendan needed to do was make sure that this doubt would grow.

Brendan took off his sunglasses and put them in his pocket.

Leah was trying to shoot the ball towards Steven, but she hit it on the wrong side, making it roll in a different direction, right down to Brendan. The ball landed at his feet.

"Leah, you should pay more attention to where you're shooting at. You let that poor man be scared to death," Steven said, laughter hearable in his voice.

Brendan looked down at the ball that was lying at his feet. Slowly he folded his paper and laid it down beside him. Brendan took the ball from the ground and walked over to Leah.

He heard Steven gasp for breath when he recognized him.

Brendan bended down so he was on Leah's eyelevel and gave her the ball.

"Thank you," she mumbled with a shy smile.

"You're welcome," Brendan responded: "Next time pay a little more attention to where you shoot the ball at, okay"?

She nodded and ran over to Lucas, who had found some interesting insects.

Brendan rose and turned around to face Steven.

They boy stared at him with widened eyes from surprise.

Brendan could see several emotions cross Steven's face, as if seeing him made him feel all kind of things. Some of them were good, some bad.

Eventually the negative emotions prevailed, cause his eyes became darker, his mouth became a tight line and he clenched his hands into fists.

Steven started to walk towards him. For by passers it seemed like he was completely calm but Brendan could see the anger in his posture and even clearer in his eyes.

When he reached Brendan he hissed with a low voice: "Are you stalking me or something"?

"What would you do if I said yes"? Brendan replied, unaffected by Steven's anger.

"What would I… so you are stalking me". His voice went up a few octaves. "You can't be serious. Why would you even…," Steven stopped talking, not able to put his anger into words.

"I have my reasons," Brendan shrugged his shoulders.

"You have your reasons. Really? What's that supposed to mean? You're stalking me, because you have your reasons," Steven snarled.

Brendan looked at Steven, there was fire in his eyes and his hands were clenched to fists. He really looked furious. There was something strange appealing about Steven being mad and Brendan felt himself even more attracted to Steven than usual.

"I wouldn't want to call it stalking," Brendan said with a low voice.

"What would you call it then, eh? Following someone to every place they go, watching everything they do? From where I stand that is definitely called stalking".

Brendan could see that Steven had a hard time trying to keep his voice down.

"And what were you planning on reaching with this _none stalking_ thing? Trying to get me to hate you even more"?

"A few hours ago you said you didn't hate me," Brendan reminded him.

"Yeah, maybe I changed my mind," Steven replied.

"You can't just decide that you want to hate me, it doesn't work that way".

Brendan looked into the boy eyes, which were filled with anger. Steven had opened his mouth to reply, but suddenly he seemed unable to speak and the words he had wanted to say remained unspoken. The air had changed and Brendan could see something deeper brewing underneath those eyes. Behind that anger. Brendan was aware of the fact that he was only inches away from Steven and Steven seemed to be aware of that too. Steven looked like he had lost his ability to breath and they just stared at each other, their eyes only focused on one another. Steven opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something. Something important. But suddenly Steven's eyes widened with panic and he took a sharp breath. Steven abruptly broke of their eye contact and instead of saying what he had wanted to say, he just said:

"Alright, I'm going and you won't follow me".

He turned around and started walking away.

Brendan watched how the distance between them quickly grew bigger. Somehow he could not bear to see Steven walk away from him, he just couldn't bear it. So he said the one thing from which he knew that would stop Steven from walking on:

"How do you know"? Steven kept on walking pretending that he didn't hear him: "How do you know that Douglas and that guy didn't do anything more than just dancing and flirting"?

Steven froze and for a moment Brendan wondered if it had been the right time to bring this subject up. After that, there was no time to think, cause Steven suddenly turned around and ran back to him. He held up his fists and when he reached Brendan, he let them come down at his chest.

Brendan watched in surprise while Steven let his fists come down at his chest again, and again, and again. After that his momentary lapse of reason was over and he tried to grab Steven's wrists, but Steven dodged his hands and hit him again. Brendan made a second attempt and this time he managed to grab Steven's wrist tightly. Steven fought Brendan's tight grip, but it was in vain, cause Brendan was too strong.

"Let go off me," Ste said almost hysterical.

"Only if you calm down".

"Let go off me. I mean it Brendan, if you don't let go-".

"Steven, you're kids are only a few feet away, you need to calm down," Brendan said reasonable.

The mention of his kids made Steven stop struggling. Steven turned his head towards the children. But both Leah and Lucas hadn't noticed anything, cause they were chasing a butterfly.

Steven, whose anger had disappeared, let his head bend down and looked at Brendan's hands which were still holding his wrists.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled so softly that Brendan almost missed it.

"Don't worry about it," Brendan muttered as response: "You just needed to blow off some steam. I get that" Steven made a disbelieving sound and Brendan suddenly felt the need to make the boy feel a little bit better. "I really get it. You have a lot on your mind and sometimes it's hard to stay calm under so much pressure. It's nothing to be ashamed off".

Steven didn't answer and Brendan wished that he would lift his head, so he could look into the boy's eyes, but Steven kept on staring at Brendan's hands, which still had a tight grip on his wrists.

"Steven looks at me," Brendan demanded.

Steven shook his head so he repeated: "Look at me," after a pause he added: "Please".

For a moment Brendan thought that Steven would refuse, but then the boy slowly lifted his head, his eyes were filled with tears.

"I'm so sorry," Steven repeated: "I don't know what I was thinking…," his voice broke.

For a second Brendan was in conflict with himself, but then he let go off Steven's wrists. He put one hand around the boy's waist. He placed the other on Steven's neck and pulled Steven's head against his chest. Steven wrapped both his arms around Brendan's waist and held him tightly. The tears were dripping from his eyes. They didn't speak, but there was no need. All that mattered was that they were holding each other. For a moment they were just two ordinary people who loved each other.

One by passer walked by on that moment and she saw those two people holding each other as if that was the only thing that mattered. The by passer had never seen something that beautiful yet so tragic. What she saw that day was something she would never forget again. She saw two people who loved each other, two people who once had had the chance to be together but live had caught up with them. She would wonder for the rest of her live if they would ever be able to get through everything that kept them apart, and get back to the place where they belonged, in each other's arms.

But the moment couldn't last forever and Brendan broke of their embrace, pulling Steven's arms of his body and creating some space between them, though he made sure that that space wasn't too big, cause he wasn't ready to let go of Steven completely.

Despite the tears in Steven's eyes, Brendan did see a small smile on his lips. "What's the matter"? He asked the boy.

Steven shook his head: "Nothing, it's just that we have never done anything like this before".

"Like what"?

"Hugging in public".

Brendan felt like cringing when he realized that he had been hugging in brought daylight, in a park. Where everyone could have seen him. The boy had needed it but still… Brendan forced himself to smile and said: "I guess not, but we have kissed in public before".

Steven's smile widened when he thought back at that: "Yeah, twice".

"You forget the kiss in the club".

Steven nodded when he remembered. "Right, the kiss in front of Noah".

Some dark memories came back at Brendan when he thought back at that time and he said with a bitter resentment in his voice: "In front of Cheryl".

It seemed like Steven hadn't heard him, because he looked into the distance, a wondering look had appeared on his face: "I never understood though".

"What? Brendan asked: "That I kissed you there"?

"No," Ste said and he frowned: "I mean, I didn't understand that either, but I never understood why you didn't get mad".

Brendan felt a painful sting thinking back at that time. He had gotten mad. They both knew that all too well. And yet Steven was standing in front of him, yet Steven had let him hug him. And Steven thought that Brendan was the one being brave and courageous. Steven really had an awful lot of undeserved faith in people, but most of all in him. Brendan had never understood why.

Brendan just grunted in response. For the first time in ages he had no idea what to say.

Steven's eyes became big when he seemed to realize what Brendan was thinking about. "I'm not talking about that," Steven said hastily. "I mean that you never got mad at me about stealing 80.000 grand from you".

Brendan could barely suppress a curse when he realized what Steven had said. Of all the things they could be talking about he had to talk about this! This conversation really went from a great topic to an even greater one.

He tried to keep his voice light when he responded: "Technically speaking, it wasn't stealing, cause if I remember it correctly I signed the deli over to you. With free will".

"Yeah, but you only did that because you thought that we…" Steven trailed off when he realized what he was about to say and his cheeks turned slightly red. "Well, you know".

"I just understand why you did what you did," Brendan clarified, hiding a small smile cause of Steven's discomfort. The boy always looked cute when he was embarrassed.

But Steven continued like Brendan hadn't said a word. Knowing Steven, he probably hadn't heard him speak anyway, cause Steven was to embarrassed by what he had almost said and as always when he was nervous he started to rattle on: "Cause it's not just a small payment. It's an awful lot of money and you never even said something about it. I set you up and took your money and you got nothing from me in return, really nothing and you just let me get away with it". He was silent, but then he added one more word. "Why"?

Brendan furrowed his brow, but didn't reply. Why was Steven so damn curious all the time? That would be the end for him someday, or for both of them.

Steven looked at him thoughtfully and he asked: "Is it that you don't want to answer or that you can't"?

Brendan ran a hand through his hair: "Both".

"Why"? Steven asked: "Because it will lead to a new fight'?

Brendan sighed, for a moment he wondered what he should tell Steven, but then he decided that the truth was presumably the best.

"Probably".

"Then you're right, you shouldn't tell me".

Brendan looked surprised at Steven, meeting the boy's eyes. Brendan saw a little self-complacency in those eyes, because Steven knew he had surprised him, but above all, he saw sincerity and, that surprised Brendan even more, acquiescence.

Steven sighed and said: "I'm tired of fighting with you. I know you long enough to know that there are certain things that I can better leave alone".

"Since when did you get so grown up"? Brendan growled, raising an eyebrow.

"I always have been, you just never saw it". Steven's eyes were sparkling.

Brendan smirked: "That's not how I remember it".

Steven rolled his eyes and looked at Brendan, the pain and despair forgotten and an enjoyment visible in his face. This was such a beautiful sight that Brendan could only stare at him for a few moments. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Sometimes Brendan wished that…

Suddenly Steven shook his head in disbelieve.

"What"? Brendan asked.

"You always manage to work your way out of it," Steven answered.

"Out of what"?

"Conversations you don't want to have," Steven said, referring to the stalking thing.

"You just got me distracted," Brendan responded.

Steven laughed: "Next time you won't get out of it so easily".

"Easily? I had to pass a few punches, I don't call that easily".

"Well, you deserved It," Steven said.

"Perhaps, I never knew you were such a good fighter," Brendan said with a mocking undertone.

"Yeah, it was pretty bad," Steven admitted, sounding amused.

"I can't argue with that, can I"?

Steven gave him a playful pack on the back. "You could at least pretend that it wasn't that bad".

"I could have done that, but then I would have lied".

Steven shook his head in amusement: "Yeah well, I've got to go, cause I promised the kids that we would play a football game".

Brendan shifted his gaze to Leah and Lucas, who were still trying to catch the butterfly.

"Well if that's what you promised then I better go".

"Yeah you better run, cause you're really a horrible football player. I bet even Lucas can beat you".

Brendan cocked up an eyebrow: "Very funny".

Steven grinned and said: "Like you said, I could have pretended that you were good, but then I would have lied".

Brendan tried to look angry at him, though he kind of failed, cause he could barely suppress a grin, when he said: "Then I guess I better go before I get beaten by a three year old".

"Yeah, you do that," Steven agreed.

Brendan nodded a farewell at Steven. "Enjoy your game".

He had only set a few steps before he heard Steven calling his name, he turned around so he could face him again.

"Yes"? Brendan asked focusing his eyes on Steven. The happiness had disappeared from Steven's face and suddenly he looked very vulnerable.

There was doubt in Steven's eyes and the boy bate his under lip when he asked: "Uhm… Do you really think that…"? His words trailed off and Brendan could almost see the fight that was going on in the boy's mind. He waited patiently for the boy to continue. Steven cleared his throat and eventually he finished his sentence, saying: "…that they did more than just dancing and flirting"?

Steven looked like he needed comfort and Brendan could clearly see the insecurity and pain in his eyes. Brendan wished that he could have protected Steven from being hurt by Douglas. All the relationships Steven had had, had ended in him getting hurt. The boy needed him to comfort him. He needed to hear that Douglas would never do something like that. He needed to hear that everything was going to be okay. If Brendan would say right now that he thought that Douglas would never cheat on him, then Steven would believe him. Steven would believe him cause he wanted to believe that Douglas wouldn't do such a thing. But the problem was that Brendan didn't want Steven to believe that. He didn't want Douglas and Steven to be okay. Brendan searched for Steven's eyes and instead of saying what Steven wanted him to say, he replied: "Do you"?


	14. Chapter 14

**It's been awhile but here it is: Chapter 14. Enjoy! **

**Chapter 14**

"Do you,"?

Those two words had been going on and on in his head for the last two hours. Of course it had crossed his mind, but he had never really _thought_ about it. He had always assumed that Doug wouldn't do that to him. But how could he be so sure? Doug was a good person yes, but good persons could do horrible and wrong things. And Doug had told him himself that he had been drunk, so anything could have happened. There was a big possibility that Doug did go further than Ste had presumed he did. That he had done more than Ste had seen him do. Maybe they had gone further. Maybe they had kissed, maybe they had done even more...

When he thought that, his fork fell clattering on his plate.

"Ste"! He looked up, right into the eyes of Amy: "Are you alright"?

Ste looked at his kids who were sitting next to him, both with a plate full spaghetti.

Ste swallowed and said: "Yeah, I'm fine. Have a lot going on in my mind right now, that's all".

Amy looked searching at him, but she presumably realised he didn't want to talk about it, not when the children where there. As if he wanted to talk about it, when he was alone with Amy. What was he supposed to say then? "Hi Amy, guess what, my boyfriend presumably cheated on me and I, dickhead that I am, never thought about that possibility. I only thought about it when Brendan mentioned it. Brendan, my ex, whom I, by the way, love again, or rather never stopped loving in the first place, asked me that question today. And since that, that question haven't left me alone. O, and I ran so much into Brendan today, that I've got the feeling that my heart and head are ready to explode, because I long for him so much. If I see him one more time today, I'm sure that, that is going to happen. So you could say that I am completely happy with my life right now". Yeah, that would be really nice and Amy would love to hear that.

The worst part was, that it probably would always be guessing what really happened, cause Doug would probably never remember what happened that night. And he wasn't sure if he could live with that. With the doubt, the unknowing. Brendan shouldn't have said that. Then none of this would have happened. Then he wouldn't go out of his mind right now.

Ste pricked in his food. It wasn't really fair to blame Brendan though, in the end he would have thought about it himself. It always had been the case, that if something had happened, something he didn't like, he blamed Brendan. Maybe because he knew Brendan could bare that blame, others couldn't. Brendan could, he always had.

Just like today, he had been angry with Brendan, not only cause he couldn't blame Brendan for sleeping with another guy but also cause he had a fight with Doug, cause he was angry with Doug. It was just easier to be mad at Brendan, just because he knew Brendan wouldn't really care, if he blamed him or was angry with him.

Although Brendan had really gotten on his nerves today. It was hard being around him so much. He was always amazed about how his body reacted at Brendan's presence. When he saw Brendan he had the feeling he could cope with the rest of the world, although all of these feelings he had for Brendan, scared him most of the time.

He knew Brendan was stalking him. By the first three meetings of this day he hadn't really thought about it, but in the shop that thought had just popped up in his head. Knowing Brendan, it was a real possibility he was stalking him, he could do something like that. And in the park he had known for sure: Brendan _was_ stalking him. That thought didn't make him as concerned as it should make him. And if he was really honest to himself, he kind of enjoyed it, being around him. Just talking, like they used to do.

In his own way Brendan was always there for him. He could be very annoying and make Ste jump through the roof of frustration, but like he was in the park, the hug, the flirting, Ste loved that. He had wished that, that could last forever. But it couldn't. Of course it couldn't. There was too much in their way. Sometimes Ste wasn't even sure if he would ever be ready to let Brendan in completely. Because even though he admitted to himself that he loved Brendan, didn't mean he trusted Brendan again. But maybe today was, in a weird way, a good start.

Ste was pulled back to reality, when he heard Amy's voice:

"You can go and play kids," Amy said: "I need to talk to daddy for a moment, yeah"?

Ste swallowed uncomfortable, from the moment Amy had been home, he had known she wanted to talk to him. Before diner, he had been able to avoid her questions, but he knew he wouldn't get out of it so easily now.

Leah and Lucas nodded their heads, glided from their chairs and left the room, Amy said after them: "Mommy will be there in a minute," before she turned to Ste with a look that made him cringe a little:

"What was that with Brendan in College Coffee earlier"?

Ste sighed, he didn't want to have this conversation: "We just talked".

"Don't act like I'm stupid Ste, because I'm not," Amy said, sounding frustrated.

"I would never do that and it was really just a talk".

"Why would you talk to him anyway, I thought you hated him".

"I never hated him," Ste answered weary, he saw Amy's eyes widen before she said:

"But you don't _love_ him, right"?

He looked at Amy and he knew, he couldn't tell her the truth. She would only try to talk him out of it, not like that would have any effect, considering he tried to talk himself out of it ages ago and that didn't quite work. So he said:

"I don't love him". So it was a lie, but only to have some peace, for once that day. He had had enough fights for one day, ironically almost all of them had been with Brendan.

Amy looked relieved at him and he started to feel a little guilty, so just to wander off the topic, he said: "I just think he is stalking me".

"You think he's stalking you? Why would you think that"?

"Well, before I saw him in college coffee, I saw him when I got to work this morning and later he visited me in the Deli and after I left you in College Coffee, I saw him in the shop". For some reason he left the park out of it.

Amy frowned and said: "Just because you see him all the time doesn't mean he is stalking you, Ste".

Really! So she believed him when he lied and now he was telling the truth she didn't believe him?! Great!

"I just think it can't be coincidence to see someone that much," He tried to make his voice sound a little worried, but that didn't quite work, more the opposite, his voice sounded lighter than it should be, considering he was being stalked by his ex, who was considered a psycho by half the village.

Amy stood up and took the three empty plates of the table, Ste noticed he hadn't eaten anything from his plate, so he took a few bites, in the meantime Amy said: "You live in the same village. Of course it can happen. I have to admit it is a little strange, but you told me that he has left you alone for the last two months, so way would he suddenly change that"? Her voice was a bit muffled because she had walked into the kitchen.

"I don't know," Ste answered, with a full mouth.

"Well did you ask him"? Her head appeared through the opening towards the kitchen.

"No," Ste replied, wondering why he didn't, maybe because he was too busy looking into Brendan's eyes all the time, he really had to stop doing that, it made his head go blank. Although he had to admit Brendan had beautiful eyes.

"Then ask him the next time you see him," Amy said.

"Yeah, maybe," Ste muttered to himself. He got up, took his still half full plate from the table and walked into the kitchen: "Let me do the dishes, then you can go check on Lucas and Leah".

"Alright, but you promised you would read them a story before you go, remember"?

He totally forgot he had somewhere to go this evening. He had promised to meet Cheryl in the dog at the pond. But now Amy had reminded him, he actually was looking forward to it. It was always nice to catch up with Cheryl. And then he could also ask her if Brendan had given her that salad yesterday.

"Of course I remember".

"All right," she looked at him from the side: "Just promise me you won't let Brendan mess with your head again".

"Yeah okay".

"Promise me Ste," Amy looked very serious: "I mean it, promise me".

Ste sighed: "I promise".

"Good," saying that, she left the room.

Technically he hadn't lied, Brendan wouldn't mess with his head again, because he already had.

xXx

Brendan sat on a bar chair in Chez Chez. He knocked back his drink and reached for the bottle of whiskey to pour himself another glass. This time he only took a sip.

The club was filled with people and although Brendan usually wasn't bothered by that, he was irritated about it now. The people made so much noise that he couldn't even hear himself think! He growled frustrated and took another draught of his whiskey. The bitter truth was that his frustration didn't follow from the fact that there were too many people, but from the fact that the only person he wanted to see at this moment was not here.

Brendan slid his, now empty, glass, from one hand to another. The condensation from the glass left a humid track behind on the bar. He followed the route of the glass with his eyes. It had an almost hypnotic effect. Almost…

But soon the movement began to bore him and he gripped the bottle of whiskey and poured himself another glass.

It was his fifth…. or maybe his sixth. Not that it mattered.

He lifted his glass on eye- level and brought the liquid with a slight wrist movement in motion. He slid the whiskey to the brim of glass and just before the whiskey ran over the brim, he moved his wrist slightly the other way so no drop of the sacred drank would be wasted.

Brendan stared intensely at the undulating movement in his glass. If you just looked long enough, you could almost see a familiar form in the glass. A form that suspiciously resembled two eyes. Two gold eyes that looked just as intense back at him. Gold eyes which were normally blue. A deep blue. Eyes, which could show more emotions then should be possible. Eyes, which could look at him with anger, sadness and fear, but also with respect, excitement and passion.

Steven's eyes.

Brendan put his glass of whiskey with a bang on the bar. The whiskey ran over the brim and over the bar, but Brendan didn't notice. He had already left the club.

xXx

"So".

Ste looked up inquiringly: "So"?

Cheryl looked at him, smiling, and said: "How's life"?

Ste thoughtfully took a sip of his beer and answered: "Been better".

"Wanna talk about it"? She asked.

He shook his head. "Not really, no".

Cheryl gave him a curious, but non-judging look.

Ste sighed. "Sometimes I just wish that my life wouldn't be so complicated. That it would be a little bit easier".

Cheryl laughed and took a sip from her wine. "Believe me, when your life is easy you wish for it to be more complicated. Sometimes complicated can be hard but it can be exciting too. It can be good too. An easy life is boring. Complications really make life exciting. There are moments when it seems like you can't get through all those complications. Like you can't get through all the layers of pain and darkness that make life so hard, but when you get through that pain, when you get through that darkness maybe just maybe you will see a glimpse of something good, something special. Something that will make that pain and darkness seem unimportant. Something that will make it worth it, everything. It is worth it when you see that special something. And although most of the time that special something will be hidden by that darkness, on certain days, when you least expect it, you will see a glimpse of that most special thing. And when everything is hard and painful and it seems like it will never get better, you'll just have to think about that special thing and it will all seem worth it again. Because you know that, that special thing exists. That special thing that is only visible for you. For no one else but you. Only for you. And it will be enough. It will always be enough. No matter what. It is enough".

An image of Brendan filled his head when Cheryl talked and he stared into his glass. _Behind that darkness there is something special. Something that is only visible for you._ Ste let his mind wander off to their meeting in the park this afternoon. The way Brendan had acted there… It had been different, somehow Brendan had seemed lighter, almost in a good mood. Ste had to smile at that thought. Brendan never had a good mood. And yes, they had spent most of their time fighting but that was just their way off interacting. Those fights didn't really matter. The moments between those fights, they were what mattered. And today they really had shared a lot off these moments. It seemed like-

"Ste"

Ste heard someone calling his name and he blinked furiously to break through the blur in his head and get back to reality.

"Ste"

He pointed his eyes at Cheryl, whom was looking at him with concern. "Is everything alright"?

"Sure," he said trying to sound reassuring. He smiled at her and said: "That was deep".

She smiled a bit embarrassed. "I have no idea where that came from".

Ste chuckled, trying to hide his confusion. "We all have our moments. Anyway, I'm going to the toilet".

He rose from his chair and headed for the toilets. On his way he passed Darren who gave him a greeting nod. Ste smiled back politely.

Ste opened the door and walked inside. The room was dimly lit and there was a thin layer of water on the floor. Ste looked at his reflection in the large mirror which hung above the sinks. He looked tense and confused. Just the way he felt. Ste walked towards the sinks and put the tap on. He threw some water in his warm face and let his arms rest on the edges of the sink, his head bent. In vain he tried to banish Cheryl's words out of his mind.

Ste heard the door of the toilets open and close, but didn't pay any attention to it. _It makes it all worth it. Because you know that that special thing_ _exists_. Was Cheryl right, was it all worth it? Was Brendan all worth it? Ste wished he knew. He heard footsteps, which held still next to him, by the sinks. Cheryl was right about one thing though: an easy life was boring. Life could better be a little exciting. Anyway, he needed to get back, before Cheryl started to wonder what took him so long.

Ste turned off the tap and looked up. Right into the mirror. Right into two blue eyes that looked at him intensely.

_Waaaaaaah _

Ste had already taken three shocked steps backwards, before he realized what he was doing and sprang to a halt.

Ste stared in shock into the mirror. Brendan's reflection looked mildly amused back.


	15. Chapter 15

**I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for reading, reviewing, favoring and following this story. It really means a lot to me. Thank you. **

**Chapter 15**

"Bren…" His heart pounded rapidly, because of his moment of fright or because of the sudden appearance of the man he physically longed for. He couldn't really tell.

"Didn't expect me, did ya"?

"I…." Ste tried to think of a good answer, he tried to form a sentence, but no words came from his lips.

Brendan's grin turned wider, by Ste's speechlessness.

For a moment Ste could only stare at Brendan. Brendan looked determined, amused but determined. But in Brendan's eyes was a dark edge, of fierce desire and something deeper, something darker. Something that made Ste's skin crawl and not only of longing. The way Brendan looked now, made even Ste feel frightened.

Brendan turned around slowly until his whole figure was turned towards Ste. Ste nervously cleared his throat and tried to suppress the light panic that started to rise in his stomach. "There's nothing wrong," Ste said to himself in silence: "As long as I'm calm, nothing will happen". Ste repeated this mantra until he had really calmed down. During his inner conversation he had let his eyes wander off to the ground. Ste realised that that was a sign of fear, of weakness. He immediately focused his eyes on Brendan again. He wasn't afraid of Brendan and nothing would happen. Everything was under control.

Brendan looked at him with eyes that simmered with desire.

Immediately Ste's mind got blank and he could only stare at Brendan.

Brendan looked like a hunter just before it would jump on his prey. They both knew who would be the prey.

Ste licked his, suddenly very dry, lips.

Brendan took a slight step closer and Ste could smell the light scent of whiskey.

Brendan had been drinking.

It wasn't that big of a surprise. There had been a tension between them the whole day. A tension that had slowly grown as the day processed. Ste had seen Brendan so much today, that this tension had almost been unbearable after their last meeting in the park. He had had the feeling that if he would see Brendan one more time, he was going to explode of longing. Brendan had also felt the tension, the longing. And what was his solution? Drinking. But the only problem with drinking was that it only made the feelings that you were trying to drown, grow stronger. Brendan had been drinking and his intense feelings had become indomitable .

Drank and desire was a dangerous combination.

Ste knew that everything depended on what he would say right now.

"What are you doing here Brendan"? Ste asked, he tried to make his voice sound relaxed and calm, but it sounded hoarse and frightened.

"I just wondered if you thought about it," Brendan replied coolly.

One of Brendan's many talents. The talent to restrain every emotion from his voice. Ste sighed annoyed, he never managed to do things like that. No matter how much he practiced. He always was an open book.

"Yes I thought about it".

"And"?

Ste pretended he didn't understand where Brendan was talking about: "If you don't stop following me everywhere I go then I'll call the police".

"I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about Douglas," Brendan answered in a deep voice.

"There's nothing to think about," Ste countered.

"Are you sure"? Brendan asked.

"Yes I'm sure. Doug is a good person. He would never do that to me," Ste felt his anger rise. Brendan didn't have the right to talk to him that way. Doug hadn't been cheating. The only person who had slept with another was Brendan. Not Doug.

"You don't know that," Brendan said, he sounded very reassured, like he knew Ste knew he didn't know for sure. It only made him angrier.

"Yes I do, I know. I know him". Ste felt like shouting.

"Then why did you ask me if I thought he cheated on you? Why? When you seem to be so sure that he didn't do it".

"Stop right there, Brendan. Let's make it clear for you, alright? Doug. Did. Not. Cheat. On. Me," Ste talked so slowly that he made every word sound like it was a new sentence. "Is that clear enough for you"?

Brendan looked at him with a thoughtful look and said with a calm voice: "I can understand that you're not honest to me, but at least be honest to yourself".

"You just don't want to understand, do you?! I am with Doug! I am happy with Doug"! Brendan's calmness was what made him really crazy. They talked about the fact that maybe Doug had been cheating on him, but Brendan looked like they were talking about the weather! He fucking behaved like it didn't matter at all, while he was the one who had been sleeping with someone else! Not Doug, but Brendan! Brendan was the one, whom dived in bed with somebody else!

"If you're really as happy with Douglas as you say you are, then why did he cheat on you"?

"DOUG WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON ME. NEVER. HE'S NOT LIKE YOU," Ste shouted, losing the fight to not raise his voice. After his last words there fell a long silence.

At the moment the silence fell down on him he realized what he just said and it felt like the world started to turn around him. God! What did he just say?! Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Brendan hadn't cheated it him. Not really. It just felt like he had. He made it just sound like he had. Brendan had never cheated on him. Why? Why? Why? Why did he have to say that out loud? Now he definitely wouldn't get out of this stupid toilet.

God, he just made things ten times worse.

Ste dragged his eyes away from the floor and focused them on Brendan.

Brendan looked at him with an ice cold expression.

No, make that hundred times.

"What are you talking about"? Brendan asked in a low voice. He took a step closer to Ste. "I've never cheated on you".

Ste looked at the door behind Brendan. Maybe he could….

"Don't even think about it," Brendan growled.

Ste froze. Why? Why did it always seem like Brendan knew what was going on in is head? It just wasn't fair, he never had any idea what Brendan was thinking.

"I wasn't," Ste replied weakly.

"Yes, you were," Brendan said. He took a few steps closer to Ste, now standing only a feet away from him: "I'm not the one you should be running from".

"I'm not running from anyone and certainly not from you," Ste mumbled. God he really was in trouble. How was he going to talk his way out of this?

"Well if you're not going anywhere then you might as well answer my question. What were you talking about"?

Brendan took another step towards him and was standing so close that Ste had to fight hard against the tendency to take a step backwards.

"What were you talking about"? Brendan repeated, this time with a demanding tone.

"Nothing," Ste stammered.

"Nothing," Brendan repeated: "It didn't sound like nothing. It sounded like you were mad at me, mad while you don't even have a reason that I know off. So explain".

Ste was at a loss for words, in the meantime his body reacted to the fact that Brendan was standing so close that he was losing his ability to breathe again.

He couldn't bear the close presence of Brendan and finally took a step back, only for Brendan to follow.

Ste took step after step knowing that the distance between him and the wall became smaller and smaller. Brendan kept on following him with a dark expression on his face.

Just when Ste started to wonder exactly how long this toilet was, he hit the wall with his back.

If this had been a movie, then this would be the part where the audience would be sitting on the edge of their seats, wondering if he would survive or not. The bad guy, Brendan, would have a weapon in his hands with the intention to kill him. But out of the blue there would open a secret gate behind him, so he could escape and the bad guy would get stuck, because he was too muscled or something. Or this would be the part where the floor collapsed and they would both fall through. He would of course be caught by his knight in shining armor and the bad guy would die. Ste looked at the ceiling. The other possibility was for the ceiling too collapse right above the spot where the bad guy with the mustache was standing. _He_ would, of course, be unharmed.

Ste shook his head. This wasn't a movie and the ceiling wouldn't collapse. More important, Brendan wasn't the bad guy, right?

Brendan had stopped walking and was only inches away from Ste.

Ste looked (even though he knew it was ridiculous) to Brendan's hands just to assure himself that he really wasn't holding a weapon.

He heard Brendan clearing his throat and Ste lifted his head, so he could meet Brendan's eyes.

"You still haven't answered my question". Brendan's voice sounded impatient, but it held a dark edge to it.

Ste felt an uncontrollable panic flush though his body when he realized that there was no way out. He stood with his back against a wall, on his right there were toilets, on his left there were sinks and in front of him was Brendan. Brendan who was slightly drunk. That meant that Brendan had less willpower to keep himself under control. When Brendan was drunk he was more dangerous. All Ste could do was try and talk his way out of this mess, but Brendan's close presence made it unable for him to think straight, to think anything at all.

"I…," Ste started, only to realize that he had no idea what he should say.

"I, what"? Brendan asked slowly.

Ste knew he was trapped and Brendan was aware of that too. He wouldn't get out of here until he had answered Brendan's question. But he couldn't answer it, could he? Cause then Brendan would know that he had seen him with that man. Then Brendan would know that Ste was (time to admit that) jealous at that man. Then Brendan would know that Ste still cared. But what other choice did he have?

Ste closed his eyes, knowing there was no way out and said with soft voice: "I saw you".

"You saw me," Brendan repeated. Ste knew, he just knew, that Brendan raised an eyebrow when he spoke and Ste felt tempted to open his eyes to see if he was right, but it was bad enough saying this without having to look at Brendan, so he kept them shut.

"And when exactly did you see _me_"? Brendan whispered the last word.

Ste cleared his throat nervously. "That night".

"What night"? Brendan voice was so low that it made the hair on Ste's arms stand up.

"The night that Doug…," Ste wasn't able to finish his sentence.

Brendan didn't say anything and Ste could no longer resist and opened his eyes. Brendan's jaw was tightened and his face was partly covered in shadows. The only thing clearly visible were his eyes, they were such a deep dark blue that Ste felt like he was staring into endless pools that seemed to reflect something much deeper.

"I saw you with that man". For a moment Ste had the feeling that Brendan had pushed the conversation in such a direction that Ste had no other choice but to say these words. Ste shook his head, it wasn't possible. Brendan had no idea that he had seen him that night.

"And what exactly did you see"? Brendan looked like he wanted to drag the answer out of him.

Ste breathed in incredulous. How the hell did he end up in this conversation? And what was he supposed to answer? Ste bit his under lip. He was a very bad liar, Brendan always saw through his lies. So that wasn't an option. So what then? Maybe he shouldn't say anything. Maybe Brendan would leave him alone then.

Ste was aware of Brendan's breath on his face, it smelled like whiskey. Brendan looked sharply at him. Ste swallowed uncomfortable.

"Tell me Steven, you're making me curious," Brendan added softly.

He couldn't say it. He would betray himself, wouldn't he? He wouldn't say anything. Ste saw the eyes of Brendan getting darker, when he didn't reply.

"Tell me what you saw Steven," Brendan said in a low voice, clearly losing his patience, because Ste didn't answer and the last thing Ste wanted was a drunk, mad Brendan. So he didn't really have another choice, now did he?

Ste took a deep breath before he whispered: "I saw you kissing that other man".

Brendan didn't even blink.

"And why would you care that I was kissing another man"? Brendan's voice was only a whisper, but it sent cold shivers down Ste's spine.

Panic made Ste's heart skip a beat. There was only one answer to that question and he couldn't tell him. He couldn't tell Brendan that he still loved him. He just couldn't. Ste slowly let his eyes wander towards Brendan's. Their eyes locked and Ste suddenly knew that there was only one thing he could do to keep this conversation from dragging on.

In a reflex gripped Ste Brendan by the collar of his jacket and turned him swiftly around, against the wall. Brendan's back hit the wall with a blow and he let out a light growl. Probably more from surprise than pain. The only reason Ste had been able to turn Brendan around was because Brendan was too surprised to oppose. Ste felt stupidly proud and smiled triumphantly. Only to let that smile falter immediately after realizing what he had done and seeing Brendan's expression. Pure anger.

Brendan opened his mouth and started to rage: "Steven have you lo-"

All Ste could think about was that he needed to end this conversation before more damage could be done. He had to make Brendan forget his anger. Before Ste could think about the consequences he leaned forward and kissed Brendan right in the middle of his sentence. Right on his mouth.

Ste could feel Brendan stiffen under his hands, which were still holding Brendan's jacket. Ste took advantage of Brendan's surprise and let his tongue slid inside Brendan's mouth.

Brendan made a low sound at the back of his throat and suddenly Ste felt a painful pressure on his upper arms. Brendan's hands. For a moment it looked like Brendan wanted to push him away, but after that he felt his body getting turned around and this time it was Ste that landed with a light blow against the wall. By his surprise it didn't hurt. Brendan had turned him swiftly but carefully.

Ste lent with his head lightly against the wall and looked with big eyes at Brendan.

The anger had left Brendan's eyes, the only thing visible was pure longing. Just the look in Brendan's eyes sent little shocks through his whole body. One hand of Brendan was still holding his arm firmly, but his other hand had found Ste's face. The touch was so light that Ste almost didn't feel it. Ste hitched at the contact of Brendan's hand, and Ste leaned his head into the touch. Brendan's eyes softened and he ran with his thumb over Ste's lower lip.

"_Steven,_" Brendan whispered his name softly and it made Ste's stomach knot with a painful mixture of desire and passion.

Brendan let his hand wander off to Ste's neck and he brought their heads closer together until their foreheads touched. Ste could hear Brendan breathing in deeply and he saw a small smile cross Brendan's face before he felt Brendan's lips on his own.

He felt how Brendan tried to keep the control over his emotions, but Ste wanted more. It was too long ago and Brendan's lips felt so good. Ste laid his hand on Brendan's jaw and pulled him in closer. Brendan growled, when Ste let his tongue slid inside. It was a sensational feeling, being able to touch Brendan again, to taste him again. Ste felt the desire taking over his body. Brendan's hands ran over his back, under his t-shirt. Ste's mind went blank, every inch of his skin burned where Brendan touched him. He knew Brendan started to lose his control, by the way his hands went over his back more uncontrolled, by the way he kissed him, hard and full passion. There was only this, only them. He let his hands run through Brendan's hair. Their kiss was raw and passionate and every thought had left Ste's mind. All he could feel was Brendan's mouth taking possession of his lips like he belonged to nobody but him. Brendan's hands pushed him hard against the wall and Ste felt a painful pressure against his back but he couldn't care less. All that mattered was that Brendan was kissing him. There was nothing more important.

Ste put his arms around Brendan's neck and pulled him even closer. He felt Brendan's hand going through his hair and Ste groaned softly, he had longed so long for this. The butterflies in his stomach had never been so fierce and he felt shivers at every part of his body that Brendan touched. His blood rushed through his body. It was just them, just two bodies that longed for each other. He wanted more, he wanted so much more.

"Brendan".

Ste whispered the name softly against Brendan's lips.

Suddenly Ste felt a change in Brendan's body and before he knew what was happening Brendan moved his lips of off Ste's and held him on arm length. Brendan's voice was low and hoarse when he spoke: "We can't do this Steven".

But Ste didn't want to hear that, he was too far gone. He pushed Brendan's arms from his shoulders and kissed him again. For a moment Ste was afraid that Brendan wouldn't return his kiss, but then he felt his body being pushed against the wall again. Their tongues touched and Ste shuddered with desire. It felt so good, he never wanted to stop. Never.

But only moments later Brendan pushed him softly away again: "No".

By that word they looked at each other, one face filled with emotions, the other unreadable. They were both breathless and suddenly Ste realized what he had just done: he had practically jumped on Brendan and Brendan had pushed him away. It was the world upside down. He was the one who should have pushed him away, not the other way around. But instead he had started kissing Brendan and hadn't been able to stop. That Brendan had been able to stop, felt like a punch in the stomach. He didn't want Brendan to be able to stop, he wanted Brendan to want him, like the way Ste wanted him.

Ste looked at Brendan and met his eyes: "I'm sorry," was the only thing Ste was able to say.

A shadow slid over Brendan's face and when he spoke, Ste heard that Brendan wasn't able to restrain all the emotion out of his voice: "Don't say that Steven. I'm not sorry and you're not sorry either," Ste heard Brendan taking a deep breath before he continued: "But you've got to remember where we are".

_Oooops _

Ste blushed when he realized where they were. _The men's room. _They were in the men's room and he had wanted too_… _Ste shook his head because of his own foulness. Luckily Brendan had remembered. Ste didn't even want to think about what would have happened if Brendan hadn't remembered. What they would have done.

"Uhm… yeah. I… I wasn't really thinking". It was all Ste could think of to say.

Brendan cocked his head to one side and Ste saw a ghost of a smile on his face.

"I noticed".

Ste felt how his face became red. Why? Why was he so stupid? And why the hell had he thought that kissing Brendan would have solved anything? An angry Brendan would have been better. But this… Kissing Brendan was the worst thing he could have possibly done. He had wanted to prevent any further damage but now he had done even more. He really was a complete fool.

Ste dared to glare at Brendan. Brendan was looking at him expectantly, waiting for him to do something. His hair was messy and a few buttons of his shirt were open. Ste wondered when that had happened. He couldn't remember unbuttoning Brendan's shirt. But then again he hadn't really thought about anything.

_No, if you had than none of this would have happened. _

Ste took a deep breath. He was still leaning with his back against the wall and Brendan was still so close that it was unbearable. He needed to get out of here. As soon as possible. But how?

Ste was just wondering what he should do when he suddenly heard the sound of a door being opened.

_Dammit! Someone was getting inside and that person would see them like this! _

Brendan had just enough time to take one tiny step backwards before a figure stepped inside.

Darren closed the door behind him. He was whistling, but when he noticed that he wasn't alone, he stopped and looked surprised at them.

Ste felt how he turned even redder and he saw a hint of panic in Brendan's eyes. God, it wasn't difficult to figure out what they had been doing. Not when they looked like this. Not when they looked like they had been walking though a storm when there was no breath of wind inside. They looked messy. Everyone would realize what had happened between Brendan and him.

"Hey guys," Darren said smiling. "I came to clean up this mess," he said, referring to the water on the floor.

Ste and Brendan looked at each other with disbelief.

Well apparently everyone, except Darren.

"Is everything alright"? Darren asked when they both didn't answer.

Ste pulled his eyes of Brendan's face and shifted them to Darren.

"Yeah of course. Why wouldn't it be"?

"No reason, just asking," Darren replied. "We really need to get these toilets fixed. It's really ridiculous that there's water on the floor all the time. And who is the one who has to clean it"? Darren looked hopeful at them, but when he got no answer, he said: "Me of course. Like I have nothing better to do. No, just let Darren do it. He really has nothing better to do then cleaning the toilets".

Brendan opened his mouth to give an answer. Ste, realizing that it was probably something sarcastic and unkind, said quickly: "Uhm… Right well good luck with cleaning. I better go. Cheryl will be waiting for me". The last part was more directed at Brendan.

Ste pushed his body of the wall. The good thing was that now they had a witness he was finally able to leave without Brendan being able to stop him. Enough damage had been done for one day. Though this conversation was definitely not over. Brendan would make sure of that.

Ste avoided Brendan's fierce eyes that were trying to catch his. Eventually Brendan gave up and took a step sideways so he could walk past him.

Ste had almost passed Brendan when he suddenly felt a hand grabbing his wrist. Ste was startled and he almost cried out loud. He could have known that Brendan wouldn't just let him walk away. Ste looked hopeful towards Darren but he had already started cleaning and was paying no attention to them at all and even if he had, then there was no way that he could have seen what was happening cause Brendan's body stood between Darren and him.

"Steven we need to talk". Brendan said. His words were softly so only Ste could hear them.

Ste looked up, right into Brendan's eyes. A deep fire was still burning in those eyes and Ste knew that if he would say yes right now, they would do so much more than just talking. He could do it. He could say yes. He could give in to Brendan, right here, right now. It was so easy. One word. Just one simple word and he would get everything he wanted and so much more.

"No… Just let me go Brendan… Please," Ste heard the trembling in his own voice.

Brendan looked at him one last time probably knowing that if he would hold him any longer, Darren would get suspicious.

The next moment the hand on his wrist had disappeared and Ste could walk past Brendan.

"Have a nice evening, Darren," Ste said.

Darren smiled: "You too".

Ste dared a look in the mirror when he past it. God! How was he going to explain looking like this to Cheryl? Ste ran with his hands through his hair in order to get it back in place but he only made it worse. Ste could only hope that Brendan wouldn't forget to button up his shirt.

xXx

Cheryl looked at her watch while taking a sip of her wine. What the hell was Ste doing on those toilets? He had been gone for more than twenty minutes already. Maybe he had gotten sick or something. She probably needed to go and check on him.

Cheryl just wanted to stand up when she saw Ste walk out of the toilets.

He walked over to her, nervously looking over his shoulder every few seconds.

When he reached her, she said: "Ste what have you been doing. I was worried that you-"

Cheryl forgot what she was about to say, when she saw how Ste looked. His hair was a complete mess, his eyes were big, mouth swollen, his shirt was all wrinkled and his whole body was tense like he could run away any moment. "Ste… What the hell has happened to you"?

Before he could answer there was something else that caught Cheryl's attention. A familiar figure left the men's room and walked over to them.

"Brendan? What are you doing he-"?

She fell silent when she saw how Brendan looked. He looked just as messed up as…

_Oh My God _

"Steven, I mean it. We need to talk," Brendan growled.

He glared at Cheryl and added: "Outside". 

Cheryl saw how Ste's eyes became possibly even bigger.

He shook his head lightly.

"Brendan what have you done"? Cheryl asked him.

"Cheryl, now is not a good time," Brendan snapped without looking at her. A little politer he said to Ste. "We haven't finished our conversation".

Cheryl saw how the eyes of her brother and one of her best friends intertwined. Their came some kind of electric in the air and Cheryl could see how Ste was getting closer to giving in to Brendan. Brendan was persuading Ste with only his eyes and it was working.

But Cheryl hadn't forgotten how Ste had looked panicked and confused only seconds ago. She needed to help him before he would do something he would most certainly regret.

"Bren, leave him alo-," Cheryl started.

"Chez stay out of this," Brendan replied, his eyes still only focused on Ste.

"No, I thi-"

"Uhm… I think I better go," Ste interrupted, apparently realizing what Brendan was doing and he finally broke of their eye contact.

"NO, you're not going anywhere," Brendan snapped.

"Brendan" Cheryl said warningly.

Brendan glared angrily at her.

Ste looked from Cheryl to Brendan and back. "Cheryl thanks for the nice evening. We need to do it again sometime," he said hastily while taking a few steps towards the exit.

"Right, I'm coming with you," Brendan said, his eyes still focused on Cheryl.

Cheryl saw how Ste shook his head almost unnoticeable and formed the words _help _with his lips.

She cleared her throat and said: "I think we need to talk, Bren".

"I'm sure it can wait," Brendan grunted.

Ste looked pleadingly at her.

"No, actually it can't. It's important. It's about the club".

Brendan's mouth was a tight line when he said coldly: "Well, then tell me. What's so important that it can't wait till tomorrow"?

"Well you now about that new guy we hired. Well I think we have some problems with him because he messes everything up. Only today he destroyed several glasses and we got two angry customers because he got mad at them while _he _was the one thatgave them the wrong drinks. I mean that's not normal, is it? And..."

Brendan stood with his back towards Ste so he didn't notice when Ste formed the words _thank you_ with his lips and silently took a few steps backwards until he had reached the door. He opened it quickly and left the bar.

"… So I think it's better if we hire somebody else," Cheryl ended her story.

It was silent for a few seconds before Brendan hissed: "Do I look like I care"?

"Nope, not the slightest," Cheryl replied smiling: "But I gave Ste the chance to get away".

Brendan turned around so fast that Cheryl could barely see the movement. She saw how he scanned the room for Ste and when he realized that she was right and Ste wasn't there anymore he headed for the door.

"Brendan, wait".

He ignored her and walked on.

"Brendan you will get your ass over here right now and you are going to tell me what the hell is going on," Cheryl demanded.

Brendan stiffened and slowly turned his head towards his sister.

"You owe me an explanation," she said simply.

**Thanks for reading and please review cause I would really like to know what you think. I'm always curious to read your reactions :) **


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16 **

Amy held still in front of the door. She shouldn't be here. She didn't want to be here. She had promised herself months ago that she would never enter this house again.

But still, here she was, standing in front of this house. In front of this door. No plan. No idea about what to say. Only knowing that she had to do something before it was too late. She felt a little bit guilty about lying to Ste about where she was going. But it was for his own good. She didn't want to do this, but he had given her no choice.

Amy knocked on the door and waited.

She heard some stumbling before the door was opened.

Brendan appeared in the doorway, not a hint of surprise in his eyes when he saw who was standing at his door. Almost as if he had been expecting her.

"Amy, what can I do for you"?

She took a deep breath before saying: "We need to talk".

Brendan's eyes wandered over her face and he nodded. "Come on in then".

He turned around and walked back inside, not even checking if she was coming or not. Amy glared over her shoulder for the last time before following him inside.

_She was sitting on the couch in the living room, watching telly when she heard a key in the lock and looked up, only to see Ste standing in the doorway._

_She put the volume of the telly down and said: "Hi, how was it with Cheryl"? It was only then that she saw how he looked, when he walked towards her, into the light. His hair was a mess and he looked bewildered at her. She started to worry._

"_Ste, what happened"?_

_He didn't answer, glanced at her for a moment, before he put his keys on the table and took off his coat._

_Amy realised he didn't want to talk to her about what happened, so she asked the one thing she thought he did want to talk about._

"_Where's Doug"?_

"_Don't know, don't care"._

_She raised her eyebrows at his comment, while she saw him walking towards his bedroom. "Ste"!_

_He stopped and turned around with his hands in his pockets by her tone._

_She sighed and said: "Why are you being like this"?_

_He shrugged his shoulders. Amy saw the tiredness in his eyes._

_Her eyes softened and she said: "I'm worried about you Ste. You're tempered, lost in thoughts or filled with sorrow. You never smile anymore. It's like you're carrying the load of the whole world on your shoulders"._

_She looked at him and saw the tears in his eyes._

"_Please talk to me Ste. You're my friend, please talk to me," she said, also fighting against the tears. There fell a silence while Ste looked at her and she almost thought he wasn't going to say anything, but then he said, with a thick voice of the withdraw tears. "What do you wanna know"?_

_Amy thought about that question, before she answered: "Tell me about Doug"._

_He touched his ear, a sign of discomfort. Amy waited impatiently on his words. When he finally spoke, she heard the pain in his voice. "Remember when I went to Leanne's birthday party"?_

_Amy nodded, as a sign that she remembered._

"_I was late, because you and Leah were ill. When I got there I couldn't find Doug until I saw him on the dance floor..." He looked down at the ground and Amy knew she wasn't going to like what he was going to say. "...with another guy". He looked up and she saw the tears running over his cheeks._

_Amy stood up, so she could give him a hug, but he made a defensive gesture, so she stood still and said softly: "Do you think, they...," she couldn't finish her sentence and she bit her under lip._

"_I don't know. And Doug doesn't know either. He was too drunk to remember". She heard the bitterness in his voice._

"_I'm sure he didn't-" she started, but her words were cut off by Ste._

"_How?! How do you know that?! Nobody does! Nobody can tell me nothing happened! It's killing me Ames! It's killing me in here"! He pointed at his heart and Amy felt a tear running over her face. _

"_I can't sleep at night, I barely eat. I find no joy in anything. I wander around the village with no place to go, because I've got no one to talk to. I've got no friends. No one who could totally understand where I'm going through. I'm lonely, Amy! I've got nobody! Nobody, except for...," he suddenly stopped talking._

_Amy wiped the tears from her face, the tears she was crying for him, for the pain and the unhappiness he was going through and said: "Except for who, Ste"?_

Brendan put the cup of tea in front of her on the kitchen table.

"Thanks," she muttered and enclosed the warm cup with her cold hands.

He sat down on the chair opposite from her.

"You're welcome. But I doubt that you only came here for a cup of tea though," Brendan said. He lifted his own cup and took a sip. It was a mystery to her how he could drink the tea while it was still this hot.

"Your right, I didn't come here for tea".

Brendan cocked his head to one side and took something from the edge of the table. "So a biscuit then"? He asked while opening a packaging.

Amy frowned her forehead at that comment. That man had the worst sense of humour ever. She cleared her throat and said: "Sure".

He gave her a biscuit and she took a small bite while watching him.

Brendan took another biscuit out and put the whole biscuit in his mouth. Not just one bite. The whole biscuit. It was quite disturbing to see someone eating a biscuit like that.

"I think we both know what it is that I wanna talk about," Amy said when he was finished.

"Do we"? Brendan asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"Yes we do," she said. "I talked to Ste yesterday evening".

"And what do I have to do with that"?

Amy looked up, into Brendan's eyes that were watching her, and answered: "Everything".

_The next word hit her like lightning although he whispered it. "Brendan"._

_Amy tried to choose her words carefully: "He doesn't care about you, Ste," softly she added: "He doesn't want to understand you"._

_At the moment his eyes widened, she knew she had said the wrong things: "This is exactly what I mean! I can't talk about it with anybody, because everyone is o, so fast to jump to conclusions"!_

"_He has a bad influence on you. He only cares about himself"! Amy knew it wasn't a good idea, but she couldn't help she was raising her voice._

"_That's not true"! He said, but she heard the doubt in his voice. She hang onto that and said: "He makes people miserable. You have a good relationship, Ste. You've got me, the kids. We all care about you"._

_Ste shook his head and said: "It's not the same"._

_Amy sighed frustrated: "So what you've got with Brendan is not the same as what you've got with us?! Fine! But what you've got with Brendan is not healthy"!_

"_You know nothing about my relation with Brendan"! Ste hissed._

"_I know he used to beat you up"!_

"_That's been a very long time ago"!_

"_So that makes it alright, now, does it"?!_

"_No! It's just..."._

"_Just what Ste?! Just what"?!_

"_We kissed, alright"!_

_Amy was completely flabbergasted for a moment, as Ste's words echoed through her mind. That man kissed him, again! She couldn't believe it. Her frustration started to grow again._

"_You kissed," she hissed back._

_Ste looked at the ground and mumbled: "Yeah. Just now"._

"_I hope you made it perfectly clear that you didn't want that," Amy said angrily. That man! He always knew how to ruin Ste's life..._

"He is happy with Doug you know," said Amy.

"Is he now"? Brendan replied sarcastically.

Amy chose to ignore him and continued: "He is good for him. He gives him a stable relationship, someone he can talk to, to come home to after a long day, someone who will never…"

"Hurt him," Brendan finished. Amy looked at him with a persistent expression on her face.

He took a sip from his tea and added: "And that's where you're wrong. Because we both know that Douglas has hurt him".

He knew! He knew about Doug and that guy! Amy felt the strange need to defend Doug and said: "It was just a mistake".

"Maybe, but the question we need to ask ourselves here is: Can Steven forgive him"? Brendan's dark eyes established on her face and she felt cold shivers running down her spine. "And… can Douglas forgive him as well"?

"He doesn't need to know". Amy felt like those words were spoken by somebody else than her.

Brendan's painfully loud laughter echoed through the room. The silence that followed when he abruptly stopped laughing was even more painful. "Amy, I have to say, you surprise me. I thought you were one of those people that think that lying is never a solution".

"It's not but what good would it do if Doug knew? It solves nothing".

Brendan's smirk held almost something fearful when he replied: "And lying does"?

Amy looked back at Brendan, not affected by his words or his smirk. He seemed scary but he wasn't really. She knew he would never hurt her. She learnt that ages ago.

Amy leaned backwards in her chair. "They will work things out. You just have to leave them alone".

Brendan smiled lightly but it was a smile without enjoyment. "And there we are. The reason for your visit. You want me to leave them alone. I have to say it almost disappoints me. I was hoping for something more…". He cocked his head to the left and added: "Challenging".

Amy took a deep breath. "Just leave him alone, alright. Ste deserves to be happy".

"But that's the problem isn't it? He's not happy. Not with Douglas".

"Maybe your right, but he won't be happy with you either".

Amy saw how Brendan's jaw tightened and she knew she had hit a nerve. "You know I'm right".

His voice sounded cold when he said: "What do you want Amy"?

"I want what is best for Ste". She swallowed and looked at the man sitting opposite from her. She could tell that he knew what she was about to say, something he didn't want to hear, but she said it anyway. "And that's not you".

"_No, you don't understand, alright. I kissed __him,__" he ran his hand through his hair: "I was the one who started to kiss him"._

"_You... kiss...," Amy was speechless for a moment: "But... but Ste, you've got Doug. You should be happy with that"._

"_Don't you think I don't know that"?! Ste snapped at her. He let himself fall on the couch and let his head rest in his hands. She heard a frustrating growl and then he looked up. The painful look in his eyes, made Amy's heart cringe. He said with frustration in his voice: "Do you think I wanna feel like this, Ames?! I've been fighting against this for God knows how long"!_

_Amy felt the panic rise in her chest, as she realised what Ste was about to say._

"_But I can't fight it anymore, Amy. I'm so tired of fighting against what I want"._

"_You can't stop fighting," Amy said, she had the feeling someone squeezed her throat and she had to clear it before she could say anything. "You can't forget what he did to you"._

"_I know what he did to me and I will never forget that, but that doesn't change the way I feel about him"._

"_It was just a kiss Ste," Amy said weakly._

"_Who are you trying to convince of that, Amy? Me or yourself"?_

_She had the feeling she lost him when he said that. He had already decided that he wasn't going to fight it anymore, no matter what she would say. Her heart cried when she realised this would only resolve in him being hurt and there was nothing she could do to stop that from happening._

There hang a silence in the air while they both finished their tea. Brendan was staring in the distance and ignored her completely.

Amy put her empty cup back on the table and looked up, right in Brendan's eyes.

She saw something flickering in his eyes. It was one rare moment. The mask was back on its place immediately, when he realized that she was looking at him, but it was too late. For one moment she had seen the emotions in those eyes. Something he didn't want her to see. Something he didn't want anybody to see. But Amy knew what she had seen and it filled her with sorrow.

"I'm sorry".

Brendan placed his cup back on the table. "What for"?

"You still love him," she said softly.

His silence told her everything she needed to know.

_She let herself sit beside him on the couch._

"_And Doug"?_

_Ste sighed and said softly: "I love Doug"._

_Amy was afraid of what would come, she almost didn't want to hear it, but she felt like she had no other choice than to ask him: "But"?_

_Ste glanced at her and said quietly: "But I _love_ Brendan"._

Brendan rose from his chair, took the cups from the table and placed them back on the counter. Amy watched him and said: "Bren-"

"Don't, just don't," he growled, his voice dark.

"What"?

"Feel sorry for me".

His back was still turned towards her and she could see the tension in his shoulders.

She let her hand rest on the table and leaned a little bit forward on the chair. "You once told me you can't love".

His body froze, but after a small second he muttered: "Yeah…".

"So what changed"?

He turned around and leaned with his back against the counter, a bitter smile on his face. "Who said anything did"? It was not meant to sound like a question but he made it sound like it was.

Amy was silent, not knowing what to say to him.

Brendan put his hands in his pockets and said: "You told me what you wanted. Maybe it's time for you to go now".

Amy shoved her chair backwards and stood up. Her eyes still resting on Brendan. She wished she could say something to him that would make it less harsh. But she knew he would only hate her for that. He didn't want any sympathy.

He walked past her, opened the door and held it open for her.

She glanced around the room once more and after a small moment of doubt, walked to the exit.

She had almost passed Brendan when she held still and moved her head to the left, so she could look at him.

Her voice was a whisper, but she knew he heard her, when she said: "If you really love him, let him go".

Her words hang in the air. She had said what needed to be said and now it was time to go.

Amy stepped outside and heard how Brendan closed the door behind her.

They both had a lot to think about.

**Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it :) **


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

Doug walked in a fast speed. He just had to go in, grab his phone and walk back outside. It would only take seconds. When he approached the deli, he slowed down. It was hard being around Ste, it killed him inside, knowing that Ste thought something had happened, knowing he wasn't able to remember anything. They still hadn't talked about it, not after their fight. Or rather, they hadn't talked at all. He had left the deli twenty minutes ago, because it was Wednesday and he had the afternoon of and before that it had gone exactly the same way as the day before. They hadn't said a word to each other. Doug knew he should be the one to say something, but he couldn't. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to make things better. It felt like Ste drifted away from him and there was nothing he could do or say to stop that from happening.

He stopped walking when he reached the deli and glanced through the window. He saw Ste, making a sandwich, presumably helping a costumer, whom he couldn't see from the angle he was standing. Ste's lips moved and Doug realised he was talking to someone. He didn't look all that happy and suddenly Doug felt the need to go inside and talk things through. He couldn't just give up on their relationship, he needed to give it another shot. If Ste still didn't want to talk to him, then at least he had tried.

He saw how Ste continued talking to the costumer, he still couldn't see who it was, for the wall blocked his way, but when that person took a step forwards, Doug recognised him at once.

Brendan.

Doug had the feeling his heart froze. Why was Brendan there? Alright, it was a deli, but the fact that Ste was there alone with that man, made him mad. Why couldn't he just leave Ste alone?! They were over! Why couldn't he just get that he had lost?! He had lost and Doug had won. Doug had Ste, they were together! Alright, so they had a little fight, but that didn't mean Brendan could just walk in there and try to take his place!

He saw Ste walk past the counter and hold still in front of Brendan. Doug could see one half of his face. They were still talking. Ste had a frown on his forehead, while he listened to Brendan. Doug saw how Ste replied and the frown got deeper.

Brendan took a step closer, so they were only inches apart and Doug held his breath. He knew Brendan always used that to intimidate people. He looked at Ste's face, which was nervous for a moment, but then he smiled. He smiled...

Doug saw him smiling at Brendan, in a way, Ste had never smiled at him. He felt the snake of jealousy squirm through him. Ste really smiled, not just a smile, but a happy smile, Doug hadn't seen in ages. The last time Doug had seen him, Ste had had no desire to smile at all. He knew that, that was because of what had happened at Leanne's birthday party, but now he saw how Ste talked to Brendan, how they looked at each other, he knew that that wasn't the only thing standing between them.

He saw Brendan touch Ste's face and Ste leaning into that touch and in that split second, Doug realised he would never be the same for Ste as Brendan was for Ste.

He couldn't stay here any longer. He couldn't look at the way his boyfriend was looking at Brendan. In the way Ste should be looking at him. _He_ could almost feel the burning desire between them and he was standing outside. He didn't have the courage to go inside and ask what was going on, but he wasn't blind. He was the loser in an uneven fight. Doug had always known Ste still cared for Brendan, that there would always be a place in his heart for him, no matter what Brendan had done to him. Something Doug didn't understand and never would, but lived with. But now, when he looked through the window and saw how Ste clung onto the slips of Brendan's jacket and Brendan enclosing Ste's neck with his hands, moving his thumbs over his jaw, Doug knew Ste didn't only care about Brendan, he still loved him. The assurance of his relationship started to fall apart, while he looked at the two, whispering to each other. The assurance subsided for the fear of losing Ste.

He stumbled backwards and turned around, realising that Ste had never stopped loving the person he was touching that very moment. When he walked away, he felt the tears on his face. He didn't even know he had started crying. He started to run, he ran as fast as he could and only stopped after a very, very long time and only because he had no breath left. He leaned against a wall, trying to catch his breath. He wished he had never seen that. That he hadn't forgotten his phone. That he hadn't drunk on Leanne's party. That he had never met that guy, he had danced with. That Ste didn't love Brendan. But it was all too late, there was no turning back now.

xXx

_30 minutes earlier _

Brendan walked back and forth, back and forth, in what suddenly seemed like a very small office. It took him less than five seconds to cross the room and get back at his chair. It was pathetic really.

He walked back to his desk. A shining bottle of whiskey stood on his desk. The condense was gliding down the bottle. It was tempting. Really tempting. But he wouldn't open it. Not now anyway. It was barely afternoon and he had some business to take care off. He forced himself to sit down to do some paperwork. He tried to concentrate on the words, but the words danced before his eyes and he rose again. He had no focus. Not today.

Not after last night.

Steven had kissed him.

It hadn't been his intention to let Steven kiss him. He actually had no idea what his intention had been. It was because of the whiskey. He shouldn't drink so much. It made him do things that he shouldn't do. Things that were not included in the plan. Not that it had had a bad outcome.

Brendan started to walk through his office again. It was goddamn warm in here. Since when was this office so small? It had never bothered him before but now… He felt like a caged animal. He needed to get out of here!

He threw open the door and crossed the club so he could get outside, a few heads turned around and followed him with their eyes. Apparently more intrigued by the sudden appearance of a strange man then by the conversation they were having with their partner.

Brendan left the club and stepped outside on the balcony. A cool breeze touched his face. He deeply breathed in the air in the meantime placing his arms upon the railing so he could lean against it.

He looked out over the village. There was nothing to see really. Two persons were walking on the streets. Shouting. Brendan arched an eyebrow. One of them was Mercedes and the other one… Who was that again? Oh… Right, the footballer. Apparently they didn't care that everyone could hear their argument…

Brendan let his eyes wander off.

Ah, and there was Joel with his weird, pink, dumb, blond girlfriend Theresa. What the boy saw in her…

He moved his gaze and his eyes established against his will on the deli.

The place where Steven was… with Douglas.

The thought annoyed him. Of course they ran the business together, but he would prefer it if they saw each other as little as possible. And who knew what it was that they were talking about in there? They might as well be making up! Brendan had to dissuade himself not to storm of the stairs to check if that was the case. He needed to stay calm. Steven and he had made such a progress yesterday. He could undo all of that, if he didn't play his cards right.

Brendan was so lost in thought that he almost missed it when the door of the deli opened and little mister America walked out. He frowned and seemed not to be in a cheery mood and that while he had the afternoon off. Brendan smiled lightly, the two of them clearly hadn't made up yet. That was at least some good news.

His stomach rumbled and that reminded him that he hadn't eaten anything since Amy's visit this morning.

Brendan's fists clenched around the railing and his breath accelerated. She had no right. No right at all. Steven was a grown man who could take care of himself. Who could make his own decisions. She shouldn't interfere with his life. Brendan closed his eyes in order to calm himself down. He shouldn't get so mad about this. There was no reason. He had convinced himself after she had left, that he wouldn't stop his plan. After all it would be Steven's own decision to get back with him or not. No one else's. And Brendan was only helping him with making that decision. So there wasn't really anything he should be mad about. But he was mad and Brendan knew exactly why. He was mad because some part of him started to doubt that she might be right about everything. He doubted and he hated that.

Brendan pushed away all the thoughts about Amy. Now was not the time to think about that.

His eyes wandered back to the deli.

Steven was there.

Steven was there all on his own.

And Brendan was hungry.

He was already halfway down the stairs before he realized what he was doing.

He came to a quick halt. He shouldn't go there. Not after everything that had happened yesterday. He turned his body around to walk back up the stairs again. He had better things to do then go and check on Steven. There was a lot of work that needed his attention. He had almost reached the top of the stairs when his stomach rumbled again. Brendan sighed and turned around so he could walk down the stairs again. He couldn't work on an empty stomach.

xXx

Brendan opened the door of the deli and stepped inside. He took a few steps forward and the door fell shut behind him.

Steven was behind the counter, helping some other customers, and didn't even look up by the sound of the shutting door. "Be with ya in a sec," Steven muttered vaguely, totally engrossed by his work.

Brendan walked over to the couch and let himself drop down.

The two customers were caught up in some conversation so that gave Brendan the chance to study Steven. He was working quickly and precisely, but somehow he seemed to enlighten the room with some kind of serenity. It was something Brendan had never seen on Steven before. It seemed like a load was lifted from the boy's shoulders and now there was only a strange calmness left.

Brendan wondered if Douglas had anything to do with that. But Douglas hadn't looked exactly happy when he had left a few minutes ago.

So what was it then…?

Brendan was derived from that thought when he suddenly heard the sound of Steven's voice.

"There you go that will be…," there came an abrupt ending to that sentence, when Steven finally seemed to realize who his new customer was. His big blue eyes were pointed at Brendan, widened with surprise and shock. Brendan nodded his head as a greeting to Steven, who just stared back in return.

One of the female customers cleared her throat and Steven hurriedly broke of their eye contact and turned his attention back to the customers, a red color covering his cheeks.

Steven muttered his apologies and finished helping the customers, once they got what they ordered, they left the deli quickly.

Leaving Steven and him all alone.

Brendan lifted himself from the couch and walked over to Steven.

Steven looked at him mildly cautiously.

"What are you doing here?" there was no irritation in Steven's voice only genuine interest and some kind of discomfort.

"I'm hungry," Brendan answered.

Steven rolled his eyes and smiled. "Of course you are."

Brendan chose to ignore him.

"So what can I make for you then? Let me guess. A jam sandwich?"

Brendan cocked up an eyebrow.

"I shall take that as a yes then, shall I," Steven said the smile still on his face when he got no answer. Brendan's silence only seemed to amuse him.

Brendan just growled in reply.

Steven took the stuff he needed and started to work on the sandwich. Brendan watched him work. The calmness that had been there only moments ago had disappeared. Instead he looked uncomfortable but there was also expectation in his posture, in the way he worked. They both knew Brendan had come to the deli for more than just a sandwich. Yesterday something had changed between them. That knowledge filled the room with a silence which was more telling than all the words they could've spoken.

Brendan's mind wandered off to last night.

_"I saw you kissing that other man"._

Of course he knew that Steven had seen him that night. That had been the only reason he had done that anyway. Sleeping with that man. But Steven didn't know that. And as far as Brendan was concerned he never would.

Brendan followed all Steven's movements. He watched how Steven lifted the jam jar and opened it with some force. After he opened the jar he took a knife from the counter and put it in the jar. He spread the jam over the sandwich with slow movements

It was not really about the words themselves. It was the way that Steven had spoken those words. That way was so much more telling than the meaning of the words themselves. Steven was jealous. Jealous because Brendan had slept with another man. It warmed Brendan's heart in some strange way.

_"And why would you care that I was kissing another man"?_

Steven still owed him that answer.

Steven had totally managed to distract him yesterday by suddenly kissing him. Steven had wanted to shut him up so he had done the only thing that would work on Brendan. And it had worked. Brendan had to admit that Steven had surprised him there, he hadn't seen it coming. Not at all. In the past it had never been Steven who would take the initiative. Brendan always was the one to do so. And now… Steven had started the kiss, to shut him up, but eventually he had been the one that got totally carried away in the kiss. Well he hadn't been the only one… After that, Cheryl and Darren had gotten in the way of a sequel to their conversation. And now he was here.

Brendan saw Steven's eyes wander off his work unwillingly, towards him. It was no trouble for Brendan to imagine where Steven was thinking about. Their spirits followed the same line of thought. Well, short of.

Brendan put his hands in the pockets of his trousers and asked: "So how are you?"

It took a few seconds before Steven answered, like he didn't know the answer to that question, like he needed to think that question through. Eventually he just said: "I'm fine."

Brendan could hear in his voice that he was telling the truth.

"It's been a while since I've heard that from you."

Steven handed Brendan his sandwich while saying: "I'm always fine."

Brendan looked at Steven in a way that indicated that he disagreed.

"What?" Steven muttered defensive, when he saw how Brendan looked at him.

Brendan didn't feel the need to answer that question and just lifted an eyebrow.

"Alright. I guess I'm not," Steven said holding up his hands in an indulgent gesture. "It's just that… I'm just glad to see you. That's all."

Steven met his eyes and they were filled with honesty, just plain honesty.

That honesty surprised Brendan. Those weren't words he had expected to hear. Ever again.

Brendan felt how a ghost of a smile appeared on his face.

Apparently Steven noticed that smile too, cause he asked: "What?"

Brendan took a bite of his sandwich and replied: "Nothing."

Steven eyes simmered with an emotion Brendan couldn't quit place but that made him feel like he owned Steven an honest answer.

Brendan sighed. "I just didn't expect to hear you say that."

Steven smiled lightly. "I know". After a short silence he added: "Me neither."

After that there was a long silence, not an unpleasant one, they both just needed to think about Steven's surprising declaration. One they both hadn't expected, but were both pleased with. It was just a simple sentence, but they both knew that it meant a lot and that maybe it would change everything for good.

Brendan cocked his head to one side. "We have a lot to talk about."

"Yeah…I suppose we do." Brendan could hear the tranquility in Steven's voice. "I also had a lot of thinking to do".

"After last night," Brendan clarified.

Steven put his hands on the counter. His voice was no more than a whisper when he muttered: "We kissed…"

"You started it," Brendan noted, catching Steven's eyes with his own.

An expression that was filled with guilt appeared on Steven's face and Brendan knew that it was really something that was bothering him.

"Yeah… I shouldn't have done that."

Brendan let his eyes wander over Steven's face before asking: "Do you regret it?"

There was still a shade of guilt on Steven's face but somehow his expression softened when he looked at Brendan and for a moment Brendan wondered what it was that Steven was seeing in his face. It must be reassuring, cause the guilt decreased and it was replaced by a more comforting but saddened expression.

"It's not fair on Doug."

"What?"

"Everything. It's not fair, is it?"

Brendan knew that he wasn't only referring to the kiss but more to everything in general.

Brendan closed his eyes for a moment. "He did the same to you."

"Maybe but that doesn't make it okay."

Brendan opened his eyes again and saw how Steven started to make a new sandwich, probably because he had to do something to calm his nerves.

"So what now?"

Steven put his knife down and shrugged his shoulders: "I just know that it can't go on like this."

Brendan took a small step forward, watching every change of emotion on Steven's face to try and figure out what was going on in the boy's head.

Steven ran a hand though his hair and said with some kind of sadness. "Doug deserves to be happy."

"And you don't think he is," Brendan concluded.

Steven shrugged and walked past the counter, he held still in front of Brendan.

There was a frown on his forehead and he took a very large breath before saying: "How can he be happy in this relationship when…"

"When?"

Steven lifted his head, his eyes meeting Brendan's. "When it is obvious that I'm not."

Brendan could tell that it was very hard for Steven to tell him that, to admit that he wasn't happy. How brave it was that Steven just told him, that braveness surprised Brendan every time. The boy really was brave, and he wasn't even aware.

Brendan took a step forward, very close to Steven. The next words coming from his own lips even surprised him. "But you were happy last night… with me."

Steven looked nervous for a moment, surprised even, but then a smile broke through on his face. A smile that enlightened him and the whole room too, a smile that Brendan knew was only meant for him, a smile that warmed Brendan's whole body and heart, a smile that told him he was right.

Brendan lifted his hand, his fingers reaching out to touch Steven's face, for a moment he wondered if Steven would pull away, but when he stroke Steven's cheekbone, Steven leaned with his head into the touch, the smile still on its place.

Steven reached out his hands and clung onto the slips of Brendan's jacket, pulling him just that bit closer.

Brendan enclosed Steven's neck with both his hands, moving his thumbs over his jaw. Steven's eyes were very light and warm and his lips were parted invitingly. For the first time in his life Brendan had the feeling that he couldn't breathe.

"It doesn't matter, what you do, no matter how many times you're gonna leave me behind, how many times we fight or argue, I will always be happy when you are the way you are right now," Steven whispered softly, his eyes clung into those of Brendan.

"So can I make out of that, that you're happy right now?" Brendan replied in a low and husky voice.

Steven brought his head closer to Brendan, until their lips almost touched and he whispered very softly: "I'm _very_ happy now."

Suddenly the ringtone of _stupid cupid _echoed through the room.

Brendan blinked his eyes surprised and at the same time Steven took a step backwards.

Brendan took the mobile out of his pocket, looked at the screen and declined the call. _Bad timing Joel. _

"Who was tha-" Steven started, but Brendan grabbed him by his arm and pulled him back so he could place his hands in Steven's neck again.

"No one important," Brendan muttered, stroking with his thumb over Steven's lower lip.

"Right," Steven mumbled distracted, placing his hands upon Brendan's shoulders.

They brought their heads closer together and Brendan was about to-

"_Stupid cupid you're a real mean guy. I'd like to clip you're wings so you can't fly"_

Really?!

"Just ignore it," Brendan growled.

Steven laughed out loud. "You should take it, Bren. It might be important."

Brendan cursed. "I don't believe this." He took his phone out of his pocket.

Joel… _again_.

He accepted the call and brought the mobile to his ear.

"What?" He snapped.

Joel sounded panicked, when he said: "Please come home, Brendan! Something happened."


	18. Chapter 18

**I forget to thank all of you for reviewing this story all the time, so thanks! :D You're really making my day. Here's chapter 18!  
**

**Chapter 18**

Ste looked at Brendan, the worry started to appear on Brendan's face and Ste's stomach turned a little bit around. Brendan always knew how to control his emotions, he would only let his mask down if he wanted people to know what he was feeling. Or if he couldn't hide his emotions, like now. The worry on Brendan's face vanished the moment Brendan caught Ste's eye and he turned around, so he was standing with his back towards Ste. Not that it mattered, Ste could still hear what Brendan said.

"Joel, calm down. Tell me what happened," Brendan commanded.

Brendan fell silent while he presumably listened to Joel's answer. Brendan sighed, lifted his hand to touch the space between his two eyes, Brendan always did that when he got bad news. A knot started to grow in Ste's stomach, he was beginning to get worried.

Brendan said loudly, like he was interrupting Joel: "Alright, I'll be right there".

Brendan hang up, turned around, meanwhile putting his phone back in his pocket and looked at Ste.

Ste had to grope for words and finally he just said: "Everything okay"?

"Don't know," Brendan said in a deep voice, a frown visible on his forehead: "But I'm gonna check it out".

"Want me to come with you"?

"No"! Brendan said with a harsh voice and Ste felt rejected. He moved his eyes to the ground and heard Brendan sigh. "Sorry". Ste looked up, into Brendan's eyes and still saw the worry in them. He heard Brendan clearing his throat and then he said softly: "Just want to make sure everything is alright. Can't let anything happen to you".

Ste felt his heart grow of love for Brendan. The will to kiss Brendan grew, but instead of doing what he wanted, he just nodded his head and said softly:

"Just let me know what happened, okay"?

Brendan cocked his head to the right and Ste felt his eyes wander over his face, like he read something in it, something he wanted to remember. Then he said: "Yeah, I will".

Ste thought Brendan would leave after that, but Brendan didn't. He opened his mouth, like he wanted to say something, but then he seemed to change his mind, turned around and walked to the door.

Suddenly Ste felt the urge to call him back: "Brendan," he yelled.

Brendan turned around, with the door half open, he waited patiently for Ste to continue.

Ste cleared his throat and said softly: "Be careful".

Ste noticed the ghost of a smile on Brendan's face and he smiled back lightly, before he saw Brendan turn around and leave the deli.

Ste sighed and leaned against the counter. It was going to be a long afternoon.

xXx

Ste closed the door behind him, locked it and put the keys back in the pocket of his jacket. The working day was finally over. Lucky for him there had been a lot of customers otherwise he didn't think he would have made it through the day. He hadn't heard from Brendan.

Ste sighed annoyed and blocked all the thoughts about Brendan. He needed to go to the shops first, otherwise they would have nothing to eat tonight.

Ste tried to fight the desire to take his phone out of his jacket but the temptation was too big, so he grabbed his phone for what was around the fiftieth time today. There were no new messages. Just like the other forty nine times he had checked his phone. Maybe he should just send Brendan a text himself, or would it seem too desperate if he did that? Brendan had more important things to do then send texts to his ex-lover. And if something terrible had happened, Brendan would've let him known, wouldn't he? But maybe Brendan didn't wanna worry Ste. Or maybe he didn't want to be the first to send a text and was he waiting for Ste to text him. Or maybe-

_Stop. You're driving yourself nuts._

Ste ran a hand through his hair and made a decision. He would send Brendan a text, nothing weird, no expectations, only to ask him if everything was okay. He just needed to know, cause he couldn't take this stress and worry for much longer. The not knowing was driving him mad and then there were these nervous butterflies in his stomach. It was stupid really, but he had spent half his afternoon thinking about Brendan and the other half trying not to think about Brendan. And in the moments when he finally managed to think about something else, he saw something or someone that reminded him of Brendan again. He couldn't even spend five minutes thinking about something else, it really was terrible and the worst part was that he didn't even care. He just felt stupidly happy.

And now he had managed to distract himself again and all he had to do was write a simple text! It was unbelievable.

Ste opened a message and typed: _Brendan I was wondering how you are doing, since I haven't heard from you. _

No, that wasn't right. It sounded like he had been waiting for a message of Brendan all day… All right he had, but Brendan didn't need to know that. _Delete._

_Hope you're okay._

No that wasn't right either, too distant. _Delete. _

Okay, this was just pathetic! How hard was it to write a freaking text?!

He just needed to write and send it, not worry about the underlying message or something.

_Bren, is everything okay? _Send.

That was it. Finished and done with. It was send, he couldn't undo it anymore. Now all he had to do was wait and see what Brendan would reply. Ste shook his head, it was just so weird to be texting Brendan. He hadn't done that for ages, not since Brendan went to prison and that was almost a year ago now.

_Bleeeep _

Ste's heart fluttered happy, that was one quick reply. Maybe Brendan had been waiting on a text from him after all.

He opened the message: _Got everything under control, no need to worry. _

Ste smiled, typical Brendan to say that he had everything under control.

But this gave him a new dilemma, did he have to answer or not? And if so what did he have to say?

Well answering wouldn't hurt, would it? He typed: _I wasn't worried you know, just wondering. _Ste hesitated for a moment before he sent it.

He put the phone back in his pocket and entered Price Slice, he had promised Amy to buy dinner. Just as he had done yesterday. He grabbed a shopping basket and walked over to the vegetables.

His phone bleeped and he took it out of his jacket again. _Course you were how's your day?_

He hold the shopping basket in his left hand, in the meantime he tried to type a message with his right one.

_It's alright, nothing interesting. I'm in the shops now, buying dinner. How about you? _

It was only seconds later that his mobile bleeped again.

_Not buying dinner, not cooking it either._

Ste smirked and replied quickly:

_Very funny :) _

Who knew that it was fun to text with Brendan?! Most people just didn't understand his humor, but if you got to know him better then he actually was a really funny guy.

_I know _

When Ste read that he laughed out loud. Unbelievable. Normal people wouldn't react like that, they wouldn't have the ego, but Brendan did and he wasn't exactly normal, was he? Ste looked up and saw Franky look at him like he'd completely lost it. She clearly had heard him laugh while there was no one around. He turned red and looked away, pretending to be very interested in some shampoos. He replied to Brendan:

_You just made me look like a complete fool here. _

Brendan's answer came quickly.

_Explain?_

Ste grinned, Brendan had to wait a bit on his answer, first he needed to do his shopping and pay for his groceries. Just to get away from the staring look of Franky.

Once he had, he left the shops quickly, the grin still on his face. Even Franky who kept on looking at him like he was a complete idiot, couldn't undo his good mood.

Anyway, it was time to give Brendan his answer:

_You had me laughing out loud, now those people in the shop think that I'm a complete lunatic. If I won't get any customers anymore then I know who's to blame… _

Ste headed home and followed the same route he walked every single day. He thought for a bit, while waiting for Brendan's reply, which took a lot longer to arrive then his other texts. Ste felt his curiosity grow with every step he took. After what seemed like an eternity, he got a new text.

_You've got my humble apologies _

Humble? Ste's grin turned possibly even wider and his fingers flew over the keys.

_You and humble? _

Ste could imagine Brendan's laugh reading that. He didn't have to wait long for an answer.

_You know me Steven, I'm always humble when it comes to you _

Ste would never describe Brendan as humble. There were a lot of words to describe him, but humble wasn't one of them. Thank God, it would make him so not Brendan. Ste couldn't help but give a sarcastic reply.

_Yeah right. So what are you doing? _

Ste dodged a by passer and almost dropped his shopping bag when his phone bleeped again. He opened the text and read:

_Unbelieving are we? Watching a movie, going to work later _

Brendan watching a movie, that didn't happen very often.

_What's the movie about? I just don't quite see you as a humble person. You can take that as a compliment if you like ;) _

Ste strolled over the gravel path, meanwhile moving his phone from one hand to the other, awaiting Brendan's answer.

_It appears to be a horror movie, Joel is annoyed because I'm laughing half the time_

Something told Ste that he wasn't laughing because the film was so funny…

_Poor Joel, I feel sorry for him, it must be hard concentrating on a movie when you're the one sitting next to him_

It was really funny, teasing Brendan over the phone. It was a long time ago that he had felt so alive.

_What's that supposed to mean? _

Ste looked carefully around, to make sure that no one would hear him, before laughing out loud. God, who knew that Brendan was able to be make you laugh with only typed texts. Not that he could imagine having a conversation like this with Brendan face to face, he wouldn't have the guts to talk to him like this in person.

_I can understand that people get annoyed when someone is laughing their way through a movie. You're watching a horror movie, it's supposed to scare you, not make you laugh_

He could feel the butterflies in his stomach and the grin on his face which hadn't left him since the first message he got from Brendan.

_It's just a stupid film. Who is so stupid that he will go into the woods alone when he knows that there's a killer walking around? But that guy just did, how dumb can you be? He is practically begging to be killed_

Ste had to laugh so hard that a few tears escaped from his eyes and ran over his cheeks. It took a while till he was able to type again.

_That's why it's called a horror movie Bren _

It took a while till Brendan answered, making Ste wonder if he really was paying attention to the movie for a moment, until now it seemed like he was spending more time texting Ste then watching the movie. Ste had to admit that he was surprised that Brendan even knew what the movie was about. His phone bleeped again and Ste opened the new message quickly.

_Then this is the most terrible horror movie I've seen in my live_

Ste arched an eyebrow and grinned, an image of Brendan watching movies every Wednesday afternoon filled his head, something was not right there. Brendan and a movie just didn't fit in the same sentence.

_Have you seen a lot then?_

He didn't really like horror movies, they made him creep out. A while ago he had seen a movie based on a book of Stephen King and he had been scared to death during and after the movie. No, he enjoyed action movies much more.

_I've seen a lot more than you think. I was right by the way, he just died… _

Ste smirked and turned the corner, now walking in the street where he lived. Okay, so maybe it was time to drop this movie subject, before Brendan would get too annoyed by the bad movie he was watching and he would stop texting Ste. He didn't want that. He was enjoying himself too much. He answered Brendan.

_Almost home now_

Normally he would have arrived home fifteen minutes ago, but he was really slow because of all the texting, it took him twice more time to walk home than usual, this was because he had to stop walking all the time, to give Brendan his reply.

_How slow do you walk?_

Very slow, Ste thought smiling.

_You keep distracting me, you_

Ste stared so intensely at his phone that he just managed to dodge a lamppost, Ste smiled, he was paying more attention to his phone then to the world around him. Maybe he had to pay a little more attention, cause he didn't want to get run over by a car or something.

_Always blaming me, aren't we?_

Ste jumped over a small fence and landed gracefully on his feet. He typed:

_Yeah, who else is there to blame?_

He jumped over a puddle of water. The bag from price slice bumped against his leg. It had rained that morning. He was glad it was dry right now, there was only blue sky. Not that he would have noticed if it had started to rain.

_You started texting me, remember._

Well, that much was true. That made Ste remember the reason why he had started texting Brendan in the first place.

_Just wanted to know if everything was alright. You still haven't told me what happened though._

Ste could see his flat now. It would only take him a few more minutes and he would be home.

_Will tell you tomorrow. Have to go to work now, can't take it to watch this movie any further. Enjoy your diner. _

Ste put his phone in his pocket. He wasn't gonna reply to Brendan now. He would wait till he had eaten something. If he would get himself to do that. He was falling in love with Brendan again. Of course he had admitted to himself that he loved Brendan, that he never had stopped loving him. But the butterflies he was feeling right now were because he was falling in love.

He had lied to himself for so long, so freaking long. He just hadn't wanted to know the truth, so he had pushed the truth far, far away. And now, now that he was finally completely honest to himself, it felt like such a relief, he felt so much better than he had felt in all those long months. A big load was lifted from his shoulders. He wasn't sure if he was completely happy with the truth, but there was no escaping it, not anymore. He had been trying to run from his love for Brendan for so long, cause all that time he had thought that it was wrong to love him. He knew how many people would judge him, how they wouldn't understand and that was something that had kept him from being honest to himself all that time. But you can't run from the truth forever, there is a moment where you have to be completely honest with yourself or you will get mad. Ste wished he had done it a long time ago, being honest. Before starting a relationship with Doug. Now it was too late, too late for not hurting Doug. No matter what he would do, he would have to hurt Doug and by doing so he would hurt himself. But that didn't matter, he deserved that hurt and guilt, it was the price he had to pay. It was nothing compared to the price that Doug had to pay. He would lose the person he loved. All because of him. Because he had been too scared to admit to himself that he loved Brendan, more than he loved Doug. Too scared. Now he had finally made a choice, and he thought it was the right one, he knew that it was the right one. But like people say… the truth can be hard and you've got to life with the consequences of your choices. But no one had told him that others would have to life with those consequences too, with the pain. Doug deserved better than that. Doug deserved better than him.

There it was, he'd finally said it. The truth was that Doug would be better off without him, the hard part would be to convince Doug of that truth.

Ste sighed. How many mistakes could you make in the short period of a few months? And how was he going to make it better?

Although not all the things he had done in the last couple of months were bad things. He had built up the deli, he had made it prosperous. After years and years of barely having enough money to life from, now he finally had enough money to buy decent food every day, to buy the kids presents and new clothes every now and then. He had done all of that together with Doug (and a lot of money from Brendan). They had been good friends, the best. It all changed when they got themselves in this relationship. In the beginning it had been great and he had been so happy. But soon that same relationship was starting to show cracks, which got bigger and bigger. All that time he had pretended to not see those cracks, he had pretended that nothing was wrong. But Doug and him together… It just didn't work out, it never had and it never would. And it was not because of Brendan. It was because in some ways they were way too similar and in other ways way to different, if that made any sense.

He wasn't sure if he wanted to be with Brendan, like Amy said, Brendan had beaten him up so many times. He hadn't decided yet if he could be with Brendan. He just knew he couldn't stay in this relationship with Doug. It wasn't healthy, for both of them.

He had finally made his decision, but how and when was he going to tell Doug about that?

Ste unlocked the door and walked inside. He needed to think that through, when he would tell Doug and what he would say to him. But how do you tell your boyfriend, someone you love and care about, that it's over, that you're breaking up with him? How? How can you make the painful truth less harsh? Ste felt his heart cringe together cause he knew what that answer was, he couldn't. Nothing would make it less harsh. Nothing would make it any better.

Doug was losing him. That was the simple but hard truth.

Ste hang his jacket upon the coat rank and walked, suddenly tired, into the living room. He put the bag on the table, together with his keys. It was dark in the room, but it was a comforting darkness, one that suited his mood. He came to a halt when he saw that he wasn't alone. There was a person sitting on his couch, a person that was almost hidden completely by the shadows.

"Doug," Ste whispered shocked, the name echoed through the silence.

Doug was leaning forward, his hands clenched into fist, lying on his legs, the dried up tears still visible on his cheeks. His eyes were focused on the ground, but when he heard his name, he shifted his eyes towards Ste. His eyes were red and swollen from the crying, but something in those eyes frightened Ste, there was a darkness in them that had never been there before. When Doug spoke, his voice hoarse and cold, there ran shivers down Ste's spine:

"That took you a long time".

**Next chapter gets a little more serious...**

**Please review!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Alright, dear people and readers. This story has now officially past the 50.000 words, how awesome is that?! (I'm just gonna pretend that it hadn't last chapter ;P) I can't imagine that I started writing this story five freaking months ago, it's such a long time. I really am a slow writer when you think about it. My sister always gets mad at me for writing so slow, but she's right. And her smile when I've finished a new chapter (She's the first one to read all chapters) always gives me a good reason to continue. As well as seeing the views go up once I've posted a new chapter, it always makes me happy. Alright... enough with me rattling on about my silly life. Just enjoy the new chapter and review if you have the time, it always makes me smile :) **

**Chapter 19**

Brendan poured two glasses of red wine and turned to the two women. "Here you go," he said loudly, just to make himself intelligible, and put the two glasses on the bar. He took the money, that one of the women handed to him and gave her the change.

He listened to a man who gave him his order and while Brendan tapped in the three bears, he let his eyes wander through the room. It was very busy this evening. Ash was working downstairs and Joel was the DJ this evening. So that left him behind the bar.

He put the drinks on the bar, got the money and turned to new customers. When he put their drinks on the bar, Cheryl appeared beside him:

"Need some help"? She asked. She didn't wait for his answer but just turned to a few costumers.

Brendan leaned against the bar for a moment, took his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through the messages he had received from Steven, a smile crossing his face.

"Where are you smirking about"? He heard Cheryl's ask. He looked up, meanwhile putting his phone back in his pocket.

"Nothing," Brendan mumbled.

"What"? Cheryl asked with a raised voice.

"Nothing," Brendan repeated, a bit louder.

He took empty glasses from the bar and started to clean them, feeling his phone burn in his pocket. Steven hadn't answered his last text. Four hours had passed since he had sent his last text and, he had to admit to himself, he couldn't wait for Steven's reply.

"So how's Joel doing"? Cheryl asked, interrupting his thoughts.

Brendan moved his gaze through the room and let it rest on Joel: "He's fine," Brendan answered shortly.

"Are you sure, because when I got home this afternoon, he didn't seem fine".

He looked at Cheryl again and said, starting to feel a little impatient. "He's fine Chez, stop going on about it".

"I'm just worried".

Brendan sighed. "We've been through this Chez. He told you, he's fine, I told you he's fine. Just leave it will ya," Brendan said, raising his voice, this time not to make himself intelligible.

"Fine," Cheryl answered sharply, turning her back towards him. Brendan sighed again and suddenly he felt very tired.

They kept on working in silence for ten minutes, until Brendan couldn't take it any longer and said:

"Can you manage? Gonna take a break".

Brendan didn't even wait for Cheryl to answer but just walked towards his office.

He closed the door behind him, it dimmed the noise and Brendan breathed in deeply, leaning against the door.

When he got home this afternoon, after visiting Steven in the deli, after the worrying phone call from Joel, he immediately noticed the broken window on the right side of the door. When he went inside, he found Joel on the ground, before the couch, holding a rock and a piece of paper, with dried up tears on his cheeks. Brendan had let himself sit next to Joel.

After prolonged pushing Joel to tell him what happened, he finally did. He told him, that he had been watching telly and suddenly the rock had broken the window, almost hitting Joel in the face. If he would have been sitting just ten inches to the right, he would've been wounded.

He even apologised for crying over it. Brendan couldn't do anything more than pulling him in closer, saying that it was alright, although he started to wonder if it was.

Cheryl had told him this afternoon, when she got home, an hour after Brendan had, and saw the broken window, that it probably had been some teens, just to have a bit of fun. But she hadn't read the note, the note that Joel had found behind the couch, which had been attached to the rock.

_I know_

Those two words kept going round and round in Brendan's head. He tried to figure out what it meant. But the problem was it could mean anything. It could mean nothing. He didn't know, Brendan didn't know and that made him anxious.

After Cheryl came home, Brendan told her what happened, just leaving the note out of it. He didn't want her to worry about something like that. It was inconvenient that Joel had read the note. He just didn't want anyone else to know, not until he was sure it meant nothing. So after informing a thousand times if everything was okay and Joel reassuring her that he was, Cheryl called glaziers. They measured the window frame and they placed an emergency frame. It would take forty- eight hours to get it fixed.

Then Cheryl pointed out she had an appointed with Lynsey for a pedicure and she said she would cancel it, although she made it pretty clear she rather wouldn't. So Brendan felt obliged to spend the afternoon with Joel, letting him chose which movie he wanted to watch. Joel had just been scared to death and he chose a horror movie. Pure logic, of course. Halfway through the movie Brendan received Steven's first text, making his day a lot better. Because of all the fuss, he had completely forgotten to text Steven.

Brendan walked away from the door and took his phone out of his pocket, meanwhile letting himself fall in his chair. He scrolled through his messages and stopped by one of Stevens.

_You keep distracting me, you_

Well, if that wasn't a good sign. He liked distracting Steven, no matter what he was doing. Most of Steven's messages had made him laugh, even out loud, that wasn't really his thing, but it felt good. But this one… it made his breath get caught in his throat, just like it had the first time he read it. Even though he'd reread it multiple times already.

Suddenly Brendan couldn't take it anymore, he had been waiting on a reply from Steven for more than three hours, but Steven just didn't answer him. He grabbed his phone and typed:

_How was dinner?_

He'd sent it before he could think about it. He put the phone back on his desk and opened the same paperwork he had tried to work on this morning. To his surprise, he managed to concentrate on it this time.

When his phone vibrated on his desk, Brendan grabbed it quickly. His heart skipped a beat when he saw from whom he got a text. Steven. He opened it and he read.

_Didn't have the chance to eat_

Brendan froze on his seat. All it said was that he had had no time to eat. That was all, no explanation, nothing. Something had happened. But what?

xXx

_Four hours earlier._

"That took you a long time".

Ste blinked and pushed away the unwelcome fear in his stomach. There was nothing to be scared of, it was just Doug. But why was he here? And why had he been crying?

Ste cleared his throat and asked with a soft voice: "What are you doing here"?

A part of him wanted to walk over to Doug and comfort him, to take him in his arms and let him cry on his shoulders, but somehow Ste knew that that would be the worst thing to do right now. Instead he kept on standing uncomfortable in the middle of the room, watching Doug carefully.

Doug's eyes were still on his face, eventually he moved them away and said: "We need to talk".

Ste put his hands in his pockets. "Right".

He waited till Doug would start talking but he didn't, he just stared into the distance. The light cheerfulness he had been feeling only minutes ago, had disappeared completely, instead the silence weighed heavily on his shoulders, giving him the feeling that he couldn't breathe properly.

Eventually Doug broke the silence, shocking Ste completely with his words.

"Are you cheating on me with Brendan'?

Ste opened his mouth to deny it, to say that he would never do that to Doug, that he would never cheat on him. But before he could, he realized that it wasn't true, he realized that he couldn't deny it. Cause he had cheated on Doug, he had kissed Brendan. But he had done something even worse, he was doing something even worse on this very moment… He loved someone else, someone else than the person standing in front of him, his boyfriend. Loving someone else, that was the worst possible way of cheating. He wasn't cheating with his body, he was cheating with his heart.

He couldn't deny it, because Doug was right.

"I'm sorry," Ste whispered after a very long silence.

Doug froze, probably surprised that he hadn't denied it, surprised by the honesty of his words. A painful expression appeared on his face, but suddenly he rose from the couch and that painful expression was replaced, replaced by a smile.

"No, that's alright".

Ste stared in complete shock at Doug. He was smiling, smiling! While Ste just admitted that he was cheating on him. That was not a normal reaction. Ste had expected him to get mad and shout or maybe even cry but this… He was smiling. That smile was way more terrifying than any other reaction Doug could have showed. That smile awoke a greater fear by Ste then his tears had done moments ago.

"Doug? Are you okay"? Ste asked, trying to catch Doug's eyes with his own, but Doug didn't seem to hear or see him cause he just talked on.

"Now we're even, aren't we"?

It felt like he wasn't even talking to Ste, like he wasn't even aware that they were in the same room anymore. And then there was this madness in his eyes, it made Ste shiver.

"What are you talking about"? Ste asked, still trying to make Doug look at him.

"I've cheated on you, you've cheated on me. That means we're even now," Doug said, finally looking at Ste, but at the same time he wasn't, it seemed like he was just looking straight through him. "And if we're even it means we can work things out. We will be okay again, together we will get through this".

Ste swallowed uncomfortable, he knew he had to say it out loud right now, now that Doug looked at him. His voice was filled with sorrow when he said: "We can't go on like this, Doug".

"I know, I know that. We have a lot of work to do, I know that. But you just have to believe in it. You just have to believe in us".

And when Doug said that, Ste suddenly knew what Doug was doing. He was trying to deny what was happening, he was denying it because deep down he knew that they were over. Doug knew and he couldn't handle it.

"You believe in us, right"? Doug muttered trying to sound confident, but even Ste could hear the uncertainty and doubt in his voice.

Ste bended his head down and closed his eyes. This was not how he wanted to tell Doug, not this way. Only minutes ago he had thought about the best way to tell Doug and suddenly he was in the middle of this conversation. No plan, no idea about how to tell him. But Ste knew that he had to tell him now. Eventually he opened his eyes and looked up.

"I'm sorry Doug. I don't believe in us, not anymore". After a long silence he added: "And neither do you".

Doug glanced down at his hands, not responding. Ste took a tiny step forwards, not sure about what to do right now. Doug looked so sad that Ste reached out his hand to take Doug's hand in his own. But he froze halfway realizing that he had not the right to hold Doug's hand, not anymore.

The pain in Doug's eyes was immense and Ste could imagine how he felt right now, he felt exactly the same. It felt like someone was stabbing knives into his body, one by one.

Ste let his eyes wander through the room, just so he didn't have to look at Doug. "You deserve someone who loves you, with all his heart".

"But you love me, right"?

Ste fell quiet.

"Right"?! There was desperation in Doug's voice that had never been there before.

Ste felt like he couldn't lie to him, not about this, so he said: "Yeah, but-"

But he had no chance to finish his sentence cause that admission was all that Doug needed to hear.

"So then everything is okay. We will be okay. You will be able to forgive me eventually. I'll make it up to you. I swear".

"Doug, no, I-".

"Ste, I love you. And I'm so sorry for what I did. If I could change any of that, I would".

Ste winched, the worst part was that Doug was blaming himself for everything, while most things weren't even his fault.

"You don't have to-".

"I wanna make it up to you".

"That's not what this is-".

"Don't say it Ste. I don't wanna hear it". Doug's eyes were big from the panic and his voice went up a few octaves. "If you say it, then everything will change. And I don't want anything to change. I like it this way. We don't have to quite, its fine the way it is and-".

"Doug, everything has changed-".

"No, it hasn't. Not yet. We... we can go on a vacation, forget everything. Then we can work this out".

Tears were starting to drip from Doug's eyes and Ste had to fight against his own tears because of the pain and unfairness of everything he had caused. If only he had been honest sooner.

"Doug-".

"And then you can try to trust me again and we forget everything that happened between us, the last few days and-".

"Doug, please just listen-," Ste said desperately.

But Doug didn't seem to hear him: "And I will promise you, I will never do anything like that again-". Doug just rattled on and Ste tried to figure out a way to make him stop: "I will only look at you, be with you and I will only love you-".

Ste took a step forwards and took Doug's face between his hands, he held it tight and said: "Doug, listen to me".

Doug shook his head and the tears from his eyes ran over Ste's hands. Ste had to swallow before he could continue: "Doug look at me, look at me". Doug looked up and the look in his eyes broke Ste's heart, but he knew he had to say it out loud. It was the only way to break through Doug's mind: "I love Brendan".

Doug shook his head and his tears fell silently on his T- shirt.

Ste tried to pull away, but Doug clung onto Ste's arms: "No, no! Please, I need you"!

"No Doug, you just think you do".

"No! No Ste, it doesn't have to end this way"!

"Doug-," Ste muttered, fighting against the tears.

"I love you! I can live with the fact that you love Brendan! It will eventually go away".

"No, it won't," Ste mumbled, one tear dripped from his eye and rolled over his cheek.

"Yes, yes it will, we can be together. Just, just try," the tears fell from Doug's eyes and Ste's heart cringed. The feeling of guilt grew even stronger.

Ste shook his head, meanwhile letting go of his tears.

"Don't give up on us, Ste. Please, we can work this out".

Ste had the feeling he was bleeding inside when he looked in the tear stained face of Doug.

"We can't,-", Ste's voice broke.

"But why not? Why"?

"What I feel for Brendan will never go away," Ste muttered, the sorrow covering his voice.

It was silent for a very long time and when Doug finally looked at him again, there seemed to have changed something in him. When Doug said the following words, there were no sign of emotions in his voice. "And what you feel for me will".

It wasn't a question but a statement and Ste didn't know what to say to that, they both knew the answer...

Doug let go of him and took a step back: "So you are breaking up with me, so you can be with Brendan"? His voice sounded bitter.

Ste ran his hand through his hair while he whispered: "No, that's not the reason".

"So what is it then"?

Ste thought about the best way to put it, before he said: "I'm not breaking up with you, because I want to be with Brendan, but because you deserve someone better. Someone who loves you with all his heart. Someone with whom you have more happy times then sad times, or angry times. I know it may sound like I only say this because I want to make it less painful for you, but it's the truth. I'm not even sure if I want to be with Brendan. I just want what is the best for you and that's not me".

"If only I hadn't gotten drunk-," He heard Doug mumble to himself.

"No Doug, I don't blame you for what you did".

Doug looked up to him with a disbelieving look upon his face and Ste added:

"I don't. Not anymore. And you wanna know why? Because you are a far better person than I am".

"I can't even remember what happened. What if I did kiss him or slept with him. If that's what makes me a better person..."

"Yes I know, but you do not love somebody else. I do," Ste whispered softly: "I think that makes me a far worse person than you".

Doug let himself fall on the couch and he whispered softly: "I don't want us to break up, you know".

Ste felt tears return in his eyes. "I know," he said weakly. "But you know it wasn't working, even before you and that guy. Even before Brendan".

Doug was silent for a moment, before he said, with his eyes pointed at the ground: "I know".

Ste wiped the tears from his face, but they kept coming, while he looked at Doug. He wished he could go and sit next to him, hold him in his arms, until the pain and the sadness were gone, but he couldn't. Not anymore. Because what he had treasured only an hour ago, was gone. He had broken Doug's heart in a million pieces. He had hurt Doug, just because he had been too afraid to be honest to himself. He heard Doug's voice from far and it took him some time to understand what he was saying.

"Can you just leave now please"?

The bitterness in Doug's voice, almost made him cry again. He didn't say they were in his flat. What was the point? He had done enough harm for one day, he didn't want to make it worse. He just nodded, although he wasn't even sure Doug saw it, his gaze still rested on the ground, and walked to the door. He reached for the doorknob when he heard Doug speak.

"So Brendan has won after all".

Ste stood still in the doorway and turned around to look at the person from whom he had just broken his heart and said weary:

"It's not about winning Doug. It's about finally being honest to yourself".


	20. Chapter 20

**Thank you all for the lovely reviews! Here's chapter 20, enjoy! :D  
**

**Chapter 20**

Brendan was awakened by his alarm clock, moaned and slammed the alarm off. He let his head rest on his pillow again, until he remembered he needed to go to the club. He sighed and sat up straight, threw his blankets off and let his feet touch the floor. He stood up and walked to his closet. He grabbed some clothes out of it and walked through the living room, up the stairs and into the bathroom. He had slept too little, so he needed a shower to wake himself up properly.

xXx

When Brendan walked down the stairs, meanwhile drying his hair with a towel, he heard some noise coming from the kitchen. When he was downstairs and looked in that direction, he saw Cheryl sitting at the kitchen table, in her clothes. He looked at the clock and noticed it was only a quarter to nine. He said:

"You're early".

Cheryl looked up and Brendan saw a red color spreading her cheeks. Brendan wondered why. She had left the club around one, last night. Maybe she'd picked up a guy or something. If that was the truth then he was glad he was going away in a few minutes.

"You too," Cheryl said quietly. Brendan raised an eyebrow. Why was she whispering?

He walked past her, into his bedroom, threw the towel in a corner and grabbed his phone from the bedside table. He looked at the display, no messages. Not that he was that surprised. The last text Steven had sent him last night, had made him feel a lot of things, he didn't want to feel. Rejected, worried and pushed out. He sighed, he needed to find out what had happened, he needed to know what went wrong. He needed to know if per chance he saw things that weren't even there. He walked to the living room again, meanwhile letting his phone glide in his pocket.

Cheryl was pouring some tea in her mug, presumably she had heard him return, because he heard her say softly: "Do you have somewhere to go"?

"Yeah, got some deliveries coming in this morning".

"You only slept four and a half hours," she said quietly.

"So"?

"Can't Joel do it for you"?

"He needs his sleep, he closed the club last night. So he was even later then me this morning".

"How late are they gonna be there then"? She asked softly.

Brendan frowned his forehead and said: "Are you having a sour throat or something"?

"No, there's nothing wrong".

Brendan cocked an eyebrow, not convinced. He took a croissant from the table and took a bite.

"Aren't you gonna sit down"?

"Why"? Brendan took another bite and looked down on his little sister. She was acting really strange.

Cheryl sighed and said quietly. "Did you talk to Ste yesterday"?

"Chez, not again".

"I'm just asking".

"We've been through this. I know how you think about it".

"Ste is my friend. I need to look out for him".

"For what? Me"?

"Don't raise your voice to me, Brendan," Cheryl said softly.

"Chez, what's going on? And why are you whispering"?

"I'm not whispering".

"Yes, you are," Brendan replied, while he walked to the coat rack, where his jacket hung. He didn't wanna have this conversation. Not again. They had talked about this after Steven and he had kissed, there was no point repeating what was said. They both had their own point of view, completely opposite from one another, and neither of them was willing to change it. Where it came down to was that Cheryl thought that he should've left Steven alone, because he deserved to be happy. He hadn't told her about the kiss, but she had figured it out, of course. She had been angry at him, angry because according to her he had taken advantage of the situation. He hadn't told her, that he hadn't been the one, who had started the kiss. What would've been the point? She wouldn't believe him. He knew she was only looking out for Steven, but it still stung she put Steven's happiness before his.

He heard Cheryl sigh.

"Just don't bark so loud," she whispered to him, from where she was sitting.

Brendan took his jacket of the coat rack and put it on, while saying: "Where are you on about? I'm not-"

He stopped in the middle of his sentence, when he realized there was someone lying on his sofa. And not just someone; Steven. His body stiffened, but his heart started to pound hard against his chest. "What...," Brendan had to swallow before he could continue. "What's he doing here"? His voice sounded sharper then he intended it to be, but he hadn't expected Steven to lie on his sofa, fast asleep. Not at all. Not after last night's text. It had felt like everything he had been working on for the past few months were smashed and he had to start all over again. The text had been formal, distant. Like Steven didn't want to have anything to do with him. And now that same person was lying on his sofa.

"He just needed a place to sleep," Cheryl said softly, when she appeared beside him. Now he understood why she had been whispering all this time.

"He has a home, doesn't he"? He couldn't explain why he reacted so touchy, maybe it had something to do with the fact that his body was tense now Steven was so near, in his house and all Brendan wanted do was wake him up and drag him to his chamber, knowing he wasn't able to do that.

"Yes, but he needed a friend. He didn't wanna go home".

"Why not"? Brendan asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"I'm not gonna tell you," Cheryl said with a serious undertone.

"You're not gonna tell me," Brendan growled back at her.

"No, it's none of your business," she clarified, meanwhile walking past Brendan and taking her coat of the coat rack.

"Where are you going"? Brendan asked annoyed.

"I have an appointment," she said, opening the door. Before she closed it, she turned around, looked at him and said sharply. "Bren, whatever you do, don't wake him".

Brendan growled and let his eyes wander off to the dark blond hair of Steven that was visible above his blankets, while he heard Cheryl closing the door.

His eyes still rested on Steven when he realized he needed to go to the club, if he wanted to be in time for the deliveries. He couldn't let it wait, he needed the new supplies for the weekend. Brendan tore his eyes off of Steven, walked to the kitchen table and grabbed his keys.

Brendan was already by the door, when he suddenly changed his mind. He couldn't just leave him there on the sofa, could he? He turned around and looked at Steven. The sofa wasn't exactly comfortable. His bed was much more comfortable. The idea of Steven in his bed brought back a lot of memoires. Good memoires. Memoires he wanted to happen again. Steven next to him in bed, after one of their… His eyes wandered over Steven's body. Well, Steven was here right now, so why couldn't it happen again?

Brendan walked towards Steven and knelt beside him. He stroke with his right hand through Steven's hair and he heard Steven moan content in his sleep. Brendan turned the blanket back and he noticed Steven wasn't wearing anything apart from his boxer. Brendan let his eyes wander over Steven's body and he felt the flame of desire awaken in his body. He always longed for Steven, but seeing Steven almost naked body for the first time in ages, was almost too much for him. Steven didn't wake up when Brendan removed the blankets, but he did shiver. Brendan let his left hand glide under Steven's shoulders and his right hand under Steven's knees. The sensation of Steven's skin against his own made the longing grow even stronger.

He lifted him up slowly, so Steven wouldn't wake. Steven moved in his arms for a moment and Brendan held his breath, but Steven just let his head rest against Brendan's shoulder and grabbed with his left hand Brendan's shirt, like he needed to be closer to the warmth Brendan was spreading. Brendan looked down at the boy and walked towards his bedroom with Steven in his arms.

xXx

Ste buried his face into the pillow and pulled the blankets tighter around him. It was so warm and soft. He couldn't remember the last time that he had slept so well. He never wanted to wake up again. He pressed his face into the pillow and took the fine, recognizable scent in. It smelt like fresh soap, mint and a light mixture of male body scent and aftershave. It was a familiar sent, one Ste had missed, though he couldn't remember where he recognized it from. He only remembered that it was a good smell, one that held good memoires, one that he needed to treasure.

Ste turned to his other side and moaned softly when sunlight hit his closed eyes, he felt a headache coming up. He was waking up and he didn't want to wake up. Not yet. Something told him that there was something he rather didn't want to know. He liked this not knowing, it was nice. And then there was this mattress under his body that was so warm and this pillow smelled so nice and was so soft. There was no need to wake up, was there? No one who needed him. He could just stay here, sleep here. There was no finer place to sleep than this bed. It was much better than his own bed.

…His own bed.

…He wasn't in his own bed.

Ste stiffened underneath the blankets and squeezed his closed eyes together.

God dammit, now he was awake.

Ste opened his eyes slowly, very, very slowly. He looked to the other side of the bed and saw that there was, to his relief, no one else. That gave him courage and he dared to glare around the room. Most of the room was covered in shadows, there was only a hint of sunlight shining through the half closed curtains. But then Ste cried out loud when he recognized the room he was in. He immediately pulled the blankets over his head, like that would help and take him to a different place. His head began to pound harder.

No, no, no, this wasn't good. This was most certainly not good. This couldn't be happening. How the hell did he end up in here? In this bed?

In Brendan's bed. He was in Brendan's bed.

Ste breathed in deeply to suppress the panic, but that only made him inhale Brendan's scent. The bed, the blankets, the pillow, everything smelled like Brendan. Now that he knew in whose bed he was, he felt stupid that he hadn't remembered that it was Brendan's scent before. It was one he would recognize from miles away. He was surrounded by Brendan and it made him feel… It made him feel… Ste couldn't find the word he was looking for. It was a feeling he hadn't felt in a very long time, but suddenly he knew what the word was. Safe, it made him feel safe.

The panic was gone, instead there was a feeling of calmness and security. A part of Ste felt tempted to just close his eyes and roll back on his side again. Just so he could get some more sleep, in this safe and warm bed, just to let his head stop pounding. But he knew, sadly enough, that he couldn't do that. He needed to get away from here. Ste threw the blankets off and just wanted to step out of bed when he froze with shock, because of the sudden realization. He was wearing no clothes, except for a boxer.

Where were his clothes and why didn't he wear them? He couldn't remember taking them off. Well, he couldn't remember a lot of things. All he knew was that he was naked and he was in Brendan's bedroom, more specific his bed. That couldn't be a coincidence, could it? He wished he could remember how the hell he ended up here.

Ste fell back on the bed and went through his memories.

After his arrival home yesterday, he'd found Doug on his couch. Ste greeted his teeth because of the pain and guilt he felt for Doug. They broke up. Ste knew that it had been the right decision to make. It was better like this and a part of him was relieved that it was finally over. But it still hurt.

Ste wondered were Doug was right now. Ste had left Doug in his house, because Doug had asked him to leave. And the truth was that he had wanted to leave cause he couldn't watch Doug falling apart because of him, crying his eyes out over him. Ste assumed that Doug had left, hopefully before Amy arrived home. Otherwise she would know everything by now and Ste knew she would never understand. Normally she would stand by all of his decisions, but Ste doubted that she would stand by this particular one. Amy would see it as a big step backwards. While in fact it felt like a step forwards.

But what had happened after he had left the house?

Ste searched his memory, but it was one big blur. The last thing he remembered was that he had spent his evening in the pub, drinking all kinds of stuff with loads of alcohol. He hadn't wanted to go home cause he hadn't been ready to face Amy yet. But how did he end up here then? Vaguely he remembered some conversation he had had with Cheryl. She'd suggested that he could spend the night here, but that still didn't explain how he ended up in Brendan's bed.

So maybe he had slept with Brendan, but sleeping with Brendan was not something you would just forget, would you? He would remember it, wouldn't he? But the truth was that anything could have happened. He had drunk a lot last night cause he had wanted to forget everything. Ste smiled ironically, of course was the only thing he couldn't remember the one thing he wished he could remember.

Ste sighed. So what was he going to do now? He obviously couldn't stay here, in Brendan's bed, no matter how much he would prefer it. And lying here wouldn't bring back his memories either. It was time to go and maybe he was lucky and was everyone out for work.

Work.

He should be on his work right now. That's were Doug would probably be, at work. The idea to face Doug after yesterday, made him feel nauseous. Ste shook his head to lose that thought, now was not the time to think about it.

Ste climbed out of bed. So first he needed to get dressed, but where were his clothes? He couldn't just leave without his clothes on, that would be weird. He looked around the room, until his eyes spotted his clothes, neatly folded on a chair that stood against the wall. He walked towards it and got dressed in a few minutes, the only things he missed were his socks and shoes. He looked around the room, until he was certain that they were definitely not there. Maybe he put them out in the living room. He walked towards the door, but stopped halfway. He looked back at the bed, he had been sleeping in for who knew how long. Brendan's bed. He had been sleeping in Brendan's bed. And now he was standing in Brendan's room and Brendan wasn't even here! It was kind of strange. He had never been here without Brendan before. _But maybe he had been here this night_, Ste thought, _together with me_. Ste rubbed his hands in his face. He needed to stop thinking about it! But he couldn't believe that he would just forget it! He shouldn't forget it! But he did. And the only way to found out if they had done something was to ask Brendan. How embarrassing would that be?! Hopefully Brendan was at work, that would be better. He could ask him later or even better never. Though Ste wondered if he would be able to keep his curiosity under control. But he could think about all of this later, first he needed to get out of the Brady house.

xXx

Ste slowly opened the door that led to the kitchen and he slowly walked through it on his bare feet. Maybe he could get away, unnoticeably. He froze at the moment he saw Brendan sitting at the kitchen table, with his laptop open before him and a lot of papers lying around him on the table. No luck, of course Brendan had to be home. Ste's heart started to beat faster and his body reacted in an instant by the sight of Brendan. He was sitting with his back towards him, maybe he hadn't heard him yet and could he use the backdoor. He looked around and saw his shoes standing next to the sofa. Well then he had to go leave without his shoes. There was no way he was going to pass Brendan. Ste almost jumped out of his skin, when he heard Brendan's voice:

"So you finally woke up then".

Ste tried not to sigh out loud. There went his idea to get out of the house unnoticeably. He slowly walked towards Brendan and stood still before him. Brendan looked tired, like he hadn't slept all night…

"So, did you sleep well"?

Ste swallowed and said: "Yeah".

"Good". Brendan still hadn't looked up, he was holding a pen in his left hand and wrote something down on a paper.

He needed to ask it, he needed to know if anything had happened. So much for keeping his curiosity under control. Ste cleared his throat. "Brendan did we…"?

Finally Brendan looked up with an innocent look upon his face. "Did we what"?

"Well… you know," Ste said uncomfortable.

Brendan looked at him, the start off a smile beginning to appear on his face. "I know a lot Steven, but you have to be a little bit more specific".

Ste gave Brendan an angry glare. That man was unbelievable. What did he want? A freaking explanation?

Brendan was completely unaffected by his angry look and just cocked his head to one side, daring him.

Apparently he did.

Ste greeted his teeth in anger, but then decided to take the unspoken challenge and sat down on a chair opposite from Brendan.

"Well let's see," Ste said semi-thoughtful. "Let's say you have two people… and they love… ehm like… feel attracted to one another".

Brendan watched him with an amused, but interested look and nodded to show him he listened and in order to make him go on.

"And those people, they have a lot of fun together, so they decide to go somewhere more… private".

Ste knew he was slowly turning red, but he talked on anyway. He couldn't give up now.

"So they go to a place with… ehm a bed, though a bed is not always required, you can go to a place with a couch or a table or any available furniture, but most people use a bed. That's what we… not always… but most of the time we did use a… ehm…That's the normal thing to do…"

There was a twinkle in Brendan's eyes and Ste realized that he was wandering off from the point of his story. "Where was I? Right. So, they end up in a room with a bed and passion runs high and then-". Suddenly Ste's throat felt bone dry.

"Then what"? Brendan asked, looking at him with a completely innocent expression, which even Ste had never seen before. Brendan was really going to make him say it. Ste ran a hand through his hair and swallowed. There was no turning back now.

"They do the… eh… deed".

Ste closed his eyes and squeezed them together, waiting for Brendan's laugh, he couldn't believe he just said that, but it stayed surprisingly silent.

He opened his eyes again and answered Brendan's calm gaze. There was a hint of amusement in his eyes, but there was something else as well… adoration. He wasn't laughing at Ste at all.

Brendan put his pen down and said: "Maybe there is something you should know then". He paused for a moment, just to let his words have a bigger impact and Ste felt like he couldn't breathe, while he waited for Brendan to continue. "Nothing happened".

Ste felt a big relieve and asked: "Nothing happened"?

"No".

"O,". The relieve Ste was feeling vanished and was replaced by another emotion, that he could only describe as disappointment. Was he seriously disappointed that nothing had happened? Really?! Just after everything that had happened last night?! He started to get angry at himself, but he couldn't ignore the feeling, he _was_ disappointed.

A long silence followed on his last comment. Then Ste cleared his throat and said:

"Why didn't you wake me"?

"Cheryl said I should let you sleep".

"And since when do you listen to Cheryl"?

"Good point".

"So..."?

"So,"? Brendan repeated, still with amusement in his eyes.

"Why didn't you wake me"?

Brendan frowned his forehead and concentrated on his paperwork again, while saying: "Thought you could use your sleep".

"I have to go to work, thanks".

"Okay".

It was silent for a while, but Ste made no attempt to get up, he just looked at Brendan working. After a while he said:

"How late is it anyway"?

Brendan looked up, a little bit disturbed, checked his watch and grumbled: "Almost closing time for your deli".

Ste looked at him questioningly.

"It's almost four p.m.," Brendan clarified.

For god sake, he had been sleeping through the whole day.

"Right," was the only thing Ste said. There was no use in going to his work when it was almost closing time, he might as well stay and talk with Brendan for a bit. "Shouldn't you be at work then"?

"I had some deliveries coming in, I've been at work for almost three hours this morning".

"So what are you doing now then"?

"Work," Brendan growled, like that was pretty obvious, but then he presumably realized how he may have sounded, because he added: "I decided to take the paperwork back home".

"Right. Do you have to do a lot"? Ste asked, he didn't want to hold him up.

Brendan shrugged his shoulders. Ste stood up from his chair and walked over to Brendan. He looked over Brendan's shoulder to the laptop. There were a lot of formulas and numbers visible in the document that was opened. When Ste stood there behind Brendan, he smelled the same scent he had smelt in Brendan's bed. He inhaled the scent deeply, Brendan's scent always made him feel warm inside. Ste felt the sudden desire to put his arms around Brendan's chest and to place his head upon Brendan's shoulder, just to be closer to Brendan. Ste wondered how Brendan would react if he did that. In the past Brendan would push him away, but would he do that now? Ste's thoughts were disrupted by the sound of Brendan's voice.

"Shouldn't you be somewhere"? Brendan tried to make his voice sound careless, but Ste could clearly here the tension in his voice.

So he said, with smile upon his face. "Nope, not today".

Brendan looked from his work, up to Ste and said with a deep voice: "Since you have no intention of leaving, you want something"?

Ste didn't miss the double meaning of Brendan's words. But he chose to ignore it. For now. "Na, I can get a coffee myself". Ste got up and walked to the coffee machine. He turned around and asked: "Do you want one too"?

He heard Brendan growl in reply. Ste took two mugs out of a cabinet and put the coffee machine on. He would take that as a yes.

"There's still some bread in one of the cabinets," he heard Brendan say.

Those words made Ste wonder if Brendan was watching him, but he didn't look over his shoulder to check, if Brendan wanted to watch him, then he could. Ste wouldn't stop him.

He opened some of the cabinets until he found the bread and made himself some sandwiches. He made one for Brendan too, he wouldn't say no to food now, would he?

He walked back to Brendan and put the plates with the sandwiches on the table and walked back to the counter to pour in the coffee, he grabbed the filled mugs and he returned to the table. He noticed Brendan had closed his laptop, had collected his paperwork and was already eating his sandwich.

Ste sat down on the chair, he had been sitting on before. He took a bite from his own sandwich and watched Brendan eat, it was always something that fascinated and disturbed Ste at the same time.

But Brendan ate his sandwich calm and slow this time, while staring into the distance, a frown on his forehead. Ste wondered what was bothering him, so he followed Brendan's eyes. It was only then that Ste noticed the broken window. Ste realized that should have been the reason Joel had called yesterday.

Ste moved his gaze back to Brendan and asked: "What happened to your window"?

Brendan didn't seem to hear him, cause he didn't respond, he just kept on staring at the window. His frown deepened, like a thought had popped up in his head, a thought he didn't like. Ste repeated his question.

Brendan heard him this time, cause he answered Ste, even though he didn't move his eyes. "It was thrown in".

"Why"?

Brendan sighed. "I don't know. It were probably just some teens".

Something in his voice told Ste that Brendan didn't believe that it were just some teens. But Ste also knew that Brendan wouldn't tell him what was going on, unless he wanted to, and right know he didn't want Ste to know.

So Ste decided to let it rest for now. Instead he went on to a lighter topic.

"And what do you think"?

Brendan finally shifted his eyes away from the window and looked at Ste again.

"About what"? Brendan mumbled.

Ste lifted his eyebrows.

Presumably Brendan understood where he was talking about, the food, because he said: "Yeah, it's good".

"Good," Ste muttered back, glad that he'd managed to distract Brendan from his worries.

Brendan took a sip of his coffee, put the mug back on the table and asked: "So why were you sleeping on my sofa"?

Instead of answering Brendan's question he asked _him_ a question: "Why was I lying in your bed'?

"You can always lie in my bed Steven, you know that".

Right… And what was that supposed to mean? It wasn't even an answer. Brendan always liked to mess with words and people's heads. Especially with my head, Ste thought. Not that he cared, not anymore. It was just what Brendan did.

"Well thanks, I guess".

"You're welcome, you still haven't answered my question though," Brendan said, his voice smooth.

"You haven't answered mine either," Ste returned.

They stared at one another, both not willing to look away. Brendan's eyes reminded Steven of the sea before a storm, dark and dangerous, a mixture of grey and blue. He was drawn in by those eyes. And now, while he looked at them, there was a smoldering fire appearing in his eyes, that made Ste forget everything around him. All he saw where those blue eyes that seemed to look straight through him, that seemed to look straight into his soul.

Ste felt the tension rise and his body reacted. A fire started to spread through his body, while Brendan's eyes didn't waver from his. Brendan seduced him just with his eyes. The tension became so strong that Ste couldn't do anything, but look away, or he would give into it. He couldn't afford that right now, not yet.

He heard Brendan sigh and he looked up. Brendan was still looking at him intently. "Why do you keep fighting this"?

"I'm not… I'm not," Ste admitted. "It's just that-".

Ste nervously rubbed his hands. How was he going to say this?

"Go on," Brendan said, his voice calm.

"You still want to know why I spend the night here"? Ste asked, already knowing the answer.

Brendan looked surprised for a moment, because of the sudden change of topic, but he nodded.

Ste took a deep breath, it was now or never. "It's because Doug and I-".

xXx

"You still want to know why I spend the night here"?

The question surprised Brendan, till now Steven had been reluctant to answer him, he had easily avoided the question by asking Brendan questions in return. And suddenly Steven wanted to tell him. It was kind of strange, but knowing Steven he probably hated to keep it a secret. So Steven had decided to tell Brendan the truth.

Brendan nodded and waited for Steven to continue, but just when Steven was about to tell him, something distracted Brendan. The mail was thrown in the mailbox.

"Hold that thought," Brendan muttered. He rose from his chair and walked over to the door.

He didn't know why, but something felt not right, something hadn't felt right since he'd found that letter yesterday. There probably wouldn't come anything new, but you never could be sure enough. A part of him was still concerned because of that letter. _I know. _That's what it said. It gave nothing away. It could mean nothing, but still. Why would someone throw in a window, only for them to find a letter with _I know_ on it? It just didn't make any sense.

Brendan picked up the mail from the floor and examined the letters. It were all bills and he sighed relieved, he was worrying about nothing. He put the letters on the table and just wanted to walk back to Steven, who was looking at him strangely, when something caught his eye. There was still one letter stuck in the mailbox.

He pulled it out, it was a folded letter. Whoever had written it, hadn't even bothered to put it in an envelope. Brendan looked at it with a growing sense of anxiety. Maybe he was worrying about nothing, maybe there was something entirely different written on it.

He folded the letter open, with slow reluctant movements. When he read the words, his body froze and he held his breath unwillingly. His fear was confirmed.

_I know what you did…_

Cheryl was wrong, this was no joke of some silly teens. It was something serious. There was someone out there that thought that he knew something about him, something big. And although Brendan didn't know what that thing was, he knew that this was something that wouldn't just pass. When he let his eyes wander over the letter again, he realized that there was a storm coming, one that wouldn't leave him unharmed.

**It would be amazing if you would review! ;D**


	21. Chapter 21

**I know it been a while, but here is chapter 21. I hope you enjoy! Thanks for all the reviews! They're amazing! :D**

**Chapter 21**

On moment Brendan was sitting on the chair, waiting for Ste speak, waiting for Ste to tell him that Doug and he broke up and the next he was at the door, holding letters in his hands. Looking for something... Whatever he was looking for was apparently not there, cause he placed the letters on the table and looked at Ste, relieve on his face. Ste could see that Brendan wanted to walk back towards him, to finish their conversation, but then Brendan saw something else, something that made him freeze. Ste looked past Brendan and saw what it was, another letter.

There was one letter stuck in the mailbox.

Brendan pulled it out and folded it slowly, like he didn't want to know what it said. Ste saw that Brendan read the letter and Ste could see the rising panic in his posture. It was completely silent, for what seemed like an eternity, like the whole room was holding his breath and Ste noticed that he was holding his breath as well, waiting for Brendan to do something. Somehow he knew that something important was written there, on that small piece of paper, that Brendan held in his hands.

Brendan dropped his arms down his side and then suddenly everything moved very fast, Brendan stormed outside, the letter still in his hands. Ste had no the time to move, he just sat there on that kitchen chair, wondering what the hell was going on.

Brendan probably ran outside to go after the person who had delivered the mail. That letter.

But what was written there? On that small piece of paper? It must be bad if it had Brendan freaking out like that. A painful worry started to form in Ste's stomach. Maybe he should go after Brendan. Help him. A cold breeze blew through the open door, making Ste shiver. He realized that there was a pattern going on. First the broken window and now this… It couldn't be a coincidence. But who would throw in a window and the next day post a letter? That didn't make any sense. Throwing in a window and posting a letter. That was hardly scary. Brendan had dealt with much tougher cases, people. There had been Danny Houston and later Warren, both tough guys, but Brendan had gotten rid of them. Compared to that this was almost child's play, but it still seemed to terrify Brendan. He wouldn't react like this if it didn't. And it wasn't easy to scare someone like Brendan, not at all. So maybe those simple things were a lot more serious than they seemed to be at first sight.

Ste heard the door close and he looked up. Brendan was back, a wildness in his posture and his eyes, that was only there when he was about to lose control. It seemed likely that Brendan hadn't found the postman. Ste watched as Brendan folded the letter calmly, he tried to get himself under control again. He put the letter in his back pocket. Ste stood up, stumbling, and the chair he'd been sitting on fell on the floor. Brendan looked up, surprised, and Ste suspected that Brendan had forgotten that he was here.

They looked at each other and each fiber in Ste's body screamed at him to go away, as fast as he could. Brendan was dangerous when he was like this. Ste had learned that in the past, but he stayed where he was, not willing to go away now Brendan needed him. Brendan's eyes were cold, all emotion had left them. The fun they just had had, had faded, and there was a coldness in the room that made Ste shiver, although the front door was now closed. Ste waited for the moment that Brendan would say he had to go, that he would send him away to think about whatever it was that was on his mind. But Brendan said nothing. He just sat down on the couch and placed his head in his hands. The breaking of their eye contact felt like a relief and a painful loss at the same time. Ste doubted about what he should do, he couldn't just leave Brendan on his own. Not now Brendan needed him, but Ste knew that Brendan wouldn't let him in right now, he wouldn't let anyone in. If he would try to get close to him, Brendan would push him away and hard. But the fact that Brendan was still here and let him stay with him was a good sign.

Ste decided that the table was a save option. He walked over to the table and sat down on it, midway, not too far from Brendan but not too close either. Brendan didn't look up and Ste understood that Brendan was absorbed by his thoughts. It would be hard to get an answer out of him right now.

Ste put his thoughts in order and thought about the best way to approach Brendan. Ste would prefer to take Brendan's hands in his own, tell him that everything was going to be okay, but he knew that Brendan wouldn't appreciate that gesture, so he didn't. When Brendan was like this you had to approach him on a careful, almost distance way or he would lass out, just like a wounded or scared animal. Ste knew that from experience. Right now Brendan was on defense mode, he wouldn't let anyone get close to him.

"Brendan what's going on? You can tell me," Ste tried to make his voice sound light, non-judging and non-expecting. He just wanted to let Brendan know that he was there for him.

Brendan touched the place between his eyes and looked up at Ste. Ste sighed relieved. Brendan at least accepted his presence, it was not much, but it was a beginning.

Ste tried again. "Please tell me".

Brendan moved his eyes away from Ste's face, like he couldn't bear to look at it any longer. His voice was emotionless when he said: "Nothing important".

Ste felt the need to curse, but he suppressed it, now was not the time for that. All it would take was some patience. Ste was almost certain that Brendan hadn't told anyone else about this. The chance that he would tell Ste wasn't big, but he could try. Maybe Brendan would accept his help for once. And if Brendan didn't want to tell him or accept his help then that was okay as well. His reason for staying was not his curiosity, though he was really curious about what had happened, but he suppressed those feelings. No, his reason for staying was his worry for Brendan.

Ste cleared his throat. "Okay," his voice was soft and calm. "If you tell me that nothing serious is going on then I believe ya".

Brendan looked up, his eyes dark. "Why"?

Ste's eyes moved over Brendan's face, trying to make an emotion out of it, but it was unreadable. "Why what"?

Brendan tapped his fingers together. "Why do you believe me"?

Ste didn't need to think about that answer. "Because I trust you".

Brendan's eyes became darker at his choice of words.

Ste sighed frustrated. This conversation didn't go in the right direction, he knew that he was slowly losing Brendan and every hope that maybe Brendan would let him in.

Ste cleared his throat and asked softly: "Is there a reason why I shouldn't trust you"?

Brendan kept on staring at Ste. "Is there a reason you should"?

Brendan's words shocked Ste, but he didn't even blink. He made sure to keep his face completely expressionless. Sometimes Brendan seemed to be so certain, so confident. And other times he was very bitter and almost insecure. It was a side he hid pretty well, but sometimes it came at the surface. At such moments Brendan's intention was to remind people what kind of person he really was, so those people would leave him alone, but there was no need. Ste already knew who Brendan really was. He knew his bad sides. He had learned that it didn't make him love Brendan any less.

"Yes".

Brendan turned his head away from Ste's face and smiled, because of the honesty he heard in Ste's answer, but it was a smile without enjoyment. The smile was bitter and maybe even derisive.

"Well you're just blind to the truth".

Ste leaned forward and looked at him attentively. "And what's the truth"?

Brendan cocked his head to one side, closed his eyes and muttered: "That I'm not to be trusted".

"Well, you're wrong," Ste said softly. Brendan's jaw tightened and he shook his head in disagreement. Ste felt the need to convince him so he added: "Perhaps you don't always make the right decisions, but at the end of the day people can rely on you. You're always there for the people who need you. You are always there for you sister. You are always there for me. Maybe you don't always do or say the right things, but you're there and that's what matters. You shouldn't think so badly of yourself".

Brendan took a slow, deep breath. He said, in a sarcastic tone: "And since when does it matter how I think of myself"?

"It just… It matters to me. You matter to me".

Brendan laughed aloud. "Right".

That laugh struck Ste with inner pain. Even after everything that Brendan and he had been through, Brendan still couldn't really believe it. He still couldn't really believe that Ste cared for him. Those things that happened in his life would matter to Ste because Brendan mattered to him. Ste was certain that Brendan knew that he cared about him, maybe even knew that he still loved him. But sometimes there was this doubt in his voice, in his choice of words. And not because he wasn't aware of the feelings that Ste had for him, but because he couldn't understand why. He couldn't understand why anyone would care for him. Why anyone would love him, why anyone would want to love him. It filled Ste with and incredible sadness, knowing that Brendan still believed that he didn't deserve to be loved.

Ste reached out, grabbed Brendan's hand and held it tight. "You can trust me Bren, I won't tell anyone. And you don't have to lie to me. Obviously something is going on. You can tell me what it is, alright. Maybe I can help". The minute Ste grabbed Brendan's hand and spoke those words, he knew that he'd made a big mistake. Brendan froze and Ste could feel the increasing tension in Brendan's hand.

Brendan withdrew his hand from Ste's firm grip en glanced at him with distant and cold eyes.

His voice was raw when he hissed: "I don't want your help, I don't need it. In fact, I don't need anyone".

_I don't need anyone_.

It felt like Brendan had given him a slap in the face and tears of frustration formed in Ste's eyes. He tried so hard to break through to Brendan. He tried so hard to help him. He tried so hard to make him feel better. And this, this is what he got in return? Brendan might as well have slapped him. It wouldn't have hurt any less. Why did he even bother? There was nothing here for him. The tears stung in his eyes and he heard the tremor in his own voice when he said: "You know what? If you don't want to accept my help. Fine".

He rose from the table and walked over to the door, completely disappointed in Brendan. He wished that Brendan would trust him enough to tell him the truth, but apparently he didn't. He'd hoped, thought even, that by now things would be different, changed. That Brendan would trust him, in a way he never had in the past. But he had been wrong. Who was he fooling? Brendan wouldn't let anyone one in, not Ste, not anyone. He never had had any change. He reached for the door but before he could open it, Brendan spoke, and Ste held still.

"I never asked you to help me".

Ste turned around, to look at Brendan. He was still sitting on the couch. He was so close, but yet so out of reach. It was then that Ste realized that there was still so much standing between them. So much had happened in their lives, with and without each other. It felt like there was a lifetime standing between them. And there was. They both had their pasts. Brendan knew a lot about Ste's past, he knew because Ste had told him. But there was still so little that Ste knew about Brendan. About his life before he met Ste. All that he knew was that it hadn't been an easy one.

"You didn't need to". The words came out harder than Ste intended, but it was just so frustrating. He could help Brendan, he knew he could. But Brendan just wouldn't let him. He always needed to push people away, he always needed to push him away. It just wasn't fair. Why? Why did he need to be so freaking stubborn? Was it really that bad, to tell him the truth? Was it really so hard for Brendan to trust him?

Brendan's next words hurt him more than he was willing to admit.

"No, you just assumed that I needed your help, that I wanted it. The thought that maybe I didn't need you, that I didn't want your help". Brendan shook his head lightly, sneering. He stood up from the couch and turned around, now facing Ste. "It didn't even pop up in that little head of yours, did it? Did no one ever teach you not to stick your nose where it is not wanted"?

Ste's breath caught in his throat and long pent-up frustrations came to the surface. He took a step away from the door, hands clenched into fists.

"Oh, I've learned. I learned that lesson. You learned me very well. Every time I stuck my nose where it was not wanted, you made sure to teach me. Was it not with words than it was with your fists," Ste answered, his words filled with anger and bitterness of which existence he hadn't been aware off.

Brendan's body tensed and Ste knew his words hadn't missed their goal. Brendan wasn't the only one who could hurt with words. In Brendan's eyes was a destructive rage when he screamed: "If you know how fucked up I am, then why don't you just stay away"? Brendan made a striking motion with his arm to the left. The top of his wrist hit a vase, which stood at the fireplace. He hit it with such force that it shot of off the fireplace and burst into pieces against the wall.

"Fine," Ste cried out. "You got what you wanted. I'll stay away. But don't expect me to come back. You're all on your own now".

Ste turned around and walked back to the door. He opened it with a force he didn't even knew he possessed. He was already in the doorway when he stopped himself to say:

"Remember before? When you asked why I kept on fighting this"? Ste didn't look over his shoulder to check if Brendan was listening, he didn't need to, he knew Brendan was. "I'm not the one who's still fighting, you are. You always have been fighting against it, against me". Ste grimaced. "And you know what the sad thing is? The reason that you're not telling me is not because you don't want to, cause you really do, you actually do want to tell, it's because, even after everything, you still don't trust me. You want to trust me, but you can't".

Ste stepped outside and slammed the door behind him, proud, disappointed and angry. Proud for standing up to Brendan like that. Disappointed and angry at Brendan for being so stubborn and untrusting. Why did it always have to be like this? Ste took a few steps away from the house and gave a hard kick to a stone that lay on the ground. The moment he hit the stone a painful cry escaped his lips. Yeah he could use a broken foot as well, Ste thought sarcastically, it wasn't like he had been through enough for one day. Ste sat down on the ground and closed his eyes to suppress the tears of frustration, pain and anger. He didn't care that he was sitting in the middle of the street and that anyone could see him. His foot was too painful. Damn, that really hurt. He looked down to check the damage at his foot and it was only then that he realized that he was wearing no shoes. Ste glanced over his shoulder to look at Brendan's. His freaking shoes and coat were still in the house.

Another curse escaped his lips. He wouldn't go back there, not now. Not after that. He would rather freeze to death then go back in there. He took one deep breath, got up with some difficulty and hobbled away.

xXx

The door closed with a bang.

Brendan greeted his teeth, angrier at himself than he had been in a long time. Angrier at Steven than he had been in a long time. He pressed his nails into his palms and clenched his fists. He scolded himself in mind. The need to go after Steven was huge, but he made no attempt to leave. He ran his hand, with an angry gesture, through his hair. It took all his willpower to stay and not to follow Steven, to demand that he would take back his words. He wanted to scream at him that his words weren't true, that he trusted him. But he stood still. The realization that Steven was right, stopped him. So he stood still and watched the closed door in the hope that the door would open and Steven would come back. Would say that he regretted his words. Would say that he forgave Brendan, but the door remained closed. Steven wouldn't return. Not this time. And as always was it Brendan's own fault.

Brendan went to the fridge and opened it. He looked around for something to drink and he eventually found a bottle of whiskey. It was too early to drink, but he couldn't care less. He flipped the cap of the bottle, but didn't bother to pour it in a glass. He drank it directly from the bottle. He took a few gulps and the sharp liquor burned in his throat. He didn't even flinch.

He walked back to the couch, with the bottle still in his hand, and dropped down on it. He put the bottle on the table, pressed his fingers against his forehead and massaged his temples.

"_Nothing important"._

Brendan was torn by doubt. He wanted to believe his own words. How desperately he wanted to believe it was nothing. That it meant nothing. That those two letters and that thrown in window meant nothing. But he knew that it did. He knew it meant something, he only had no idea what and that thought scared him to death.

That fear had made him react like that. So cold and distant. He had hurt Steven with his words. He'd wanted to hurt him. It always was like that. If others were hurt, if he hurt others, then his own fear and pain seemed more bearable. He'd said things he didn't mean. But it was better like this, he told himself, it was better that Steven was gone now. It was safer for him. If Steven wasn't around him no one could hurt him. It was better to keep him at a distant than to involve him in all those problems. Steven was better off gone. He'd done the right thing.

Or at least that was what he was trying to convince himself off.

The words Steven had spoken to him, kept going on and on in his mind. Steven had told him nothing but the truth and it made him feel guiltier than he was ready to admit. But that didn't mean he didn't have to face the facts. He had been beating up Steven, so many times. And of course Steven wouldn't just forget about that, why would he? It wasn't something he should forget and he definitely shouldn't forgive Brendan for doing that to him. Brendan would never forgive himself for doing that to him.

Brendan ran his hands over his face.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Brendan wondered what Steven had wanted to tell him, just before the mail got delivered. It had been something important. But the chance that Steven would tell him now, after that fight, was really small. Steven was gone and he most likely wouldn't come back. Not that Brendan blamed him. He would be crazy to return.

Still Brendan wished that he would be crazy enough to come back. There was nothing he wanted more than for Steven to come back. He wanted him back even though his conscious told him that it was better if he wouldn't.

When did everything become such a big mess?

Everything. All of this. It all started months ago. He made a simple plan to get Steven back. It would take some time, but he knew he would win in the end. Win from Douglas. Cause that was the biggest reason for him to do that, he couldn't lose Steven to someone like that. It all had been a game to him. But somewhere along the way it became so much more than a game. The need for his plan to succeed became bigger and bigger. He wanted Steven back, for real this time. Because the further he came into the plan the more he got to know Steven again. He'd changed in the past few months. He was stronger now. Wiser even. But he was still the same person and Brendan realized that he'd missed him. He'd missed the conversations, the looks they exchanged, the jokes, the silences and even the fights. The more time he spent with Steven the more he missed him when he wasn't around. He realized that there had been a hole inside of him the past year. And every time that he was around Steven that hole became smaller. He felt better when he was around him. Cheryl had said that he was absent and caught up in his mind. And he was, he spent more time thinking about Steven than was healthy. And that plan of him, it wasn't a plan anymore, the last few days it had been his life. Brendan took another sip out the bottle and shook his head lightly, how sad sounded that. Sometimes it felt like Steven was his life. It was strange to think that he only met him two years ago. It felt like a lifetime. Steven knew more about him than anyone else in this world. He didn't know everything, but Steven understood him. And that was much more important.

Brendan sighed weary.

Back then, the reason for him to start the plan wasn't because he loved Steven or because he couldn't live without him, but now those were the only reasons he went through with it. He needed Steven. He wanted to be with him. Now he was even willing to admit that he still loved Steven and that he would do anything to get him back.

Brendan smiled lightly. All those thoughts of Steven had made him forget his anger.

He made a decision. He would try to show Steven that he was able to trust him. That he was willing to try. He wouldn't, as Steven said, fight it anymore. He wouldn't push him away or hurt him, but he would try to let him in. The thought filled Brendan with greater fear than that unknown threat did. But he would try. He would try for Steven. If Steven still wanted to try.

Brendan took a last sip from the bottle, twisted the cap back on and walk back to the fridge.

Damn, Brendan thought, while closing the door of the fridge. When it came to Steven, his reason left him in the lurch.

xXx

Ste walked into the kitchen. Thank God the house was empty. Leah was probably at school by now and Lucas would be at kindergarten. Amy had left with them twenty minutes ago. He hadn't seen Amy since Tuesday night, when they had had their argument. He had worked all Wednesday and although he'd received a message from her to buy diner that day, he hadn't seen her. That was also the day he had broken up with Doug and the day after that, (he couldn't believe that was only yesterday) he had woken up in the Brady house. And when he came home after his fight with Brendan, Amy had left a note for him, saying she went out with Michaela.

She had left just moments ago and he'd waited for her to leave. Cowardly, he knew, but he had had enough fights and painful conversations for one week. Although he knew he couldn't avoid her forever.

Ste filled the kettle with water and shook his head. He had been so angry at Brendan. He couldn't help it, he had felt pushed out by Brendan yesterday. He had felt hurt and betrayed that Brendan couldn't trust him enough to tell him what was going on.

Ste put the kettle on and grabbed a mug out of a cabinet. He put it on the counter, leaned against it and sighed.

But now he knew, now he had had the time to think about it, that Brendan didn't not tell him because he didn't trust him, he didn't tell him because he wanted to protect Ste. Ste had learned a long time ago that Brendan only kept things from him when he wanted to protect him. But he had been so angry and hurt yesterday that that thought hadn't even popped up in his head. Why did he only realize stuff like this when it was too late? Why couldn't he keep his temper under control for once? And why did he always have to get mad at Brendan? For no reason. Alright maybe he had had a reason, but still… Brendan was just worried about that paper. He knew what Brendan was like and he knew that Brendan, when he was like that, needed someone around him who would just be there without asking questions. Why wasn't he able to do that? He always was so god damn curious. And worried. He was just worried about Brendan. He just wanted to help him. Why wouldn't Brendan let him help him? Ste grimaced. He wouldn't be Brendan if he would. But it was still annoying. Even Brendan should accept help every now and then. You couldn't win every freaking war on your own, even if your name was Brendan Brady.

Ste grabbed a teabag from the tea-caddy, that was standing on the counter, put it in his mug and filled the mug with boiling water.

He regretted the words he had said yesterday. He hadn't meant to say them. But for some reason they always knew how and where they could hurt each other. So he had said very harsh things and of course the whole fight wasn't entirely his fault, but he shouldn't have brought up the beating thing.

He grabbed some cookies out of the cookie jar and walked with the tea and the cookies to the couch.

He didn't know if, when or how he was going to talk to Brendan, but the fight with Brendan did make one thing clear for him. He still had a choice to make. Was he going to fight for Brendan or would he let everything depend on Brendan? Should he just go with what life would bring him, or should he try to change the course of his life?

Ste sat down on the couch, with his tea in his hands. He was sure that Brendan had a lot on his mind right now, that had been very clear last day. So if he would let it depend on Brendan, would Brendan do something? And if Ste wouldn't do anything, would Brendan think Ste wasn't interested anymore, that he wanted nothing to do with him anymore? Besides that, Brendan was probably way too stubborn to admit he had been wrong yesterday.

Ste knew it would take time for him to trust Brendan completely again and that they had a long way to go, to make this thing, whatever this thing was, work. But he couldn't forget that Brendan needed to trust him again as well, after all he'd used him to get free of the deli's debt.

If he was completely honest to himself, there was nothing he wanted more than being with Brendan, to give everything a second change. To give Brendan a second change...

Well maybe a twentieth change was more like it.

It was funny how easy he would give Brendan change after change, but when it came to other people, he mostly couldn't.

God, he must love that man.

Ste heard a key in the lock of the front door and looked up, just to see Amy walk in.

The moment she saw him sitting on the couch, there ran several emotions over her face in just a few seconds. First there was astonishment. Not very surprising, since Ste had tried to avoid her since last day and he had triumphantly succeeded in it. But he also knew he couldn't avoid her for eternity. He almost knew, she knew he broke up with Doug. Then there was anger, that meant he had been right.

She knew.

But then there was sadness written on her face and then firmness, still with a little anger.

Amy put her coat on the coat rank and walked towards him, meanwhile saying: "Ste, how are you feeling"?

Ste didn't answer her question, but asked instead: "What are you doing here? I thought you had to work"?

Amy narrowed her eyes and said: "I forgot my lunch". She grabbed a small plastic bag from the table, hold it up to him, like she wanted to show him, she was telling the truth and put it in her bag.

"So, how are you doing"? She asked, with a hint of irritation in her voice.

Ste put his cup on the table and sighed. Here he'd go then. "I'm fine". On the same indifferent tone, he asked: "Why"?

She stood by the door, dubitable: "Doug told me".

"Doug told you," Ste repeated nonchalant, like he didn't know where she was talking about.

"Don't act like you don't know where I'm talking about," she snapped, at his nonchalant tone, meanwhile putting her bag on the ground.

"I do. I just don't want to talk about it," he replied, feeling his irritation grow.

"Why not? You can't lock it up," she pointed out.

Ste rolled with his eyes and pulled his legs up on the couch: "Yes I can. And by the way I know how you think about it".

He glanced into the distance, wondering what she would say to that, but when she didn't reply, he looked at her and he saw written on her face, what he already thought she would think.

"You seriously think I'm making a big mistake, don't you"? He muttered with some kind of disbelieve in his voice. He had thought she wouldn't be on his side on this one. But thinking it, was something else than knowing you had been right. It still felt like someone was stabbing you with a knife.

He saw the quilt glide over her face. He couldn't help it, he rose up from the couch and snapped: "Unbelievable Amy! You supposed to be my friend! You're supposed to stand beside me"!

"I am your friend and that's why I'm looking out for your best interests,"! She hissed back.

"My best interests?! And you don't think I can decide for myself "?! He was raising his voice now.

"No, apparently not. Otherwise you wouldn't allow yourself to let yourself feel all those things for that man again"! She yelled back at him.

"Really?! Well let me tell you something Amy! I love Brendan! I _love_ him! I love being around him, I love kissing him, I-"

Her eyes became big: "You kissed again"?! Amy's voice sounded shrill.

He knew he was provoking her, but he couldn't help himself. He was so done with people telling him what to do, or to feel. He knew they hadn't kissed again, not yet anyway..., but she didn't know that.

"So what if we did"?! He said challenging.

"Ste, are you blind?! Can't you see he is using you?! He can't love anybody, he told me himself, He. Is. Not. Capable. Of. Love"! She cried out to him.

Ste widened his eyes and he froze. He felt the anger and astonishment grow. He said in a low voice: "What do you mean, he told you himself"?

He saw the shock on Amy's face, when she realized what she had just said, but she held her head up high and said: "I went to visit him".

"You went..."Ste didn't know what to say for a moment from the anger he was feeling: "When"? He hissed.

"The day after you two..."

Ste realized she couldn't even say it out loud. That just made him even angrier. He snapped:

"You went to see him?! Why"?!

"Because you seem to have lost the ability of thinking straight"!

He couldn't still quite believe she would actually do something like that. She must really think he was losing it! Why couldn't she just trust him?! He shook his head and said loudly: "You had no right"!

"I had to do something. I couldn't just let you put yourself through everything with that man again," she argued.

"You should've stayed out of it,"! He replied, snapping at her.

"I knew I couldn't make you change your mind-," she began defendant.

"So you thought, well let's try Brendan"?! He interrupted angrily.

"Well, he was more reasonable than you are and that says a lot,"! She snapped back at him.

Ste froze and his eyes widened. A slight feeling of worry started to grow in his stomach. What did Brendan say to her? Did he stop caring about him? He heard the trembling in his own voice, when he said: "What do you mean by that"?

"I asked him what changed. He said nothing had changed since the moment I spoke to him about you last time. He almost confirmed that he isn't capable of loving anybody".

Ste was speechless when he realised what she had just said.

Then he frowned his forehead and said: "You talked to him before"?!

Amy swallowed, but she did say: "Yes. I need to protect you from that man, Ste. Since you don't seem to be able to do that yourself".

Ste shook his head. It wasn't true what Amy said. He knew Brendan felt _something_ for him, even if it wasn't love, there was definitely something there. Ste was sure about that. And he was going to fight for that something. It seemed like everything Amy tried to accomplish with her arguments, only had the opposite effect. It made him determined and calmer and he felt the anger leave his body.

"I told you Ste. He likes to play games," Amy said, trying to convince him.

Ste shook his head in determination: "No," He started to walk around and he ran his hand through his hair: "No, I don't believe it. The way he looked at me yesterday. You can't fake something like that".

"Yesterday"?!

"Please, Amy. Let it rest will ya. You've said enough for now".

Amy shook her head and said: "You're making a big mistake".

He stood still and looked at her: "Yeah, well, at least it will be _mine"._

There appeared a deep frown on her forehead. "What's that supposed to mean"?

"I always did what other people expected me to do, but now I'm gonna do what I want. Not what you want, or anybody else want, but what I want. And if it all turns out to be a mistake, then at least I did what I thought was right, I did what I wanted to do".

Amy was silent for a moment when she looked at him. The angry expression faded and there appeared a sad look upon her face. Ste could see the tears in her eyes. She said quietly:

"I just don't wanna lose you".

Ste felt his heart cringe. He knew she was only looking out for him, but he wanted to do this, he needed to do this. He needed to fight for Brendan. He didn't want to lose her, but he needed her to understand that she didn't control his live, he did. He said, with a thick voice: "I just need to do what feels right to me. And I can understand that you can't be happy for me, but I need you to stop making my decisions for me. If you don't, you _will_ lose me as your friend".

Amy looked a bit shocked when he had said that, but soon she just nodded her head and she wanted to walk away, but Ste took a step forwards, grabbed her arm and gave her a hug, he mumbled in her ear. "You can say whatever you want to me, Amy and you don't have to be happy for me. I would understand if you can't, but just don't do anything behind my back anymore, okay"?

He felt Amy's arms around his middle and he felt her body shock. He knew she was crying and he held her tightly. He blinked, so he wouldn't start crying as well. He knew Amy always had the best intentions, but he needed to live his one life, the way he wanted it to. He owed that to himself.

Amy pulled away and looked up to him, wiping the tears from her face:

"I can't be happy for you". Ste felt the disappointment and pain cross his heart, but then she said with a small voice: "But I can try to be okay with it".

She must have seen the smile crossing his face, cause she added quickly: "Just for your sake, not his".

"I know," he gave her a kiss on the cheek: "Thank you".

She looked down at the ground and muffled: "And I won't go behind your back to see him anymore". Suddenly she looked up, with a serious look upon her face: "but if he breaks your heart again, I will".

Ste smiled back at her and said: "Well, that's good to know. I let him know what you said".

"Ste"!

Ste's grin turned wider: "I'm just joking, Amy".

"Well, you shouldn't be joking about something like this".

Ste became serious again. "I know". He hugged her again for a moment, before he walked towards the coat rank and took his coat off of it (the one he hadn't left at the Brady house).

"Where are your going"? Amy asked surprised.

"I have to make something right," Ste answered.

**Thanks for reading! please review! :D**


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

Ste walked up the stairs and stood still in front of the blue door. He always had known, deep down, that he would end up in front of this door. It was only moments ago, that he had admitted to himself that he _wanted_ to be in front of this door. Right now, this house was the only place he wanted to be and although he knew there were still some bridges to cross, he also knew, he was the one who would fight for it. He would do everything that lay in his power to get Brendan back.

Ste knew he had told Doug he didn't know if he wanted to get back with Brendan and although he had believed that then, now he knew it wasn't true. Not that he had lied to Doug, he'd just changed his opinion.

Ste pushed on the doorbell and waited. He was determined and nervous at the same time. He knew what he wanted now, but they had fought yesterday and Ste didn't know how Brendan would react at seeing him again. And there were definitely some things they needed to talk about. Harsh words had been said last afternoon and Ste knew that, if he wanted to move forwards, they needed to talk about those things.

At that moment Ste heard some stumbling at the other side of the door. His heart started to pound harder against his chest in great expectation and nervousness of seeing Brendan again. The door was opened and Cheryl appeared in the doorway. "Ste," she cried out in excitement. "I'm sorry it took me so long to open the door, I just woke up. Come on in, love."

She stepped aside, so he could get in. He walked through the doorway, turned around and saw his coat hanging on the coat rank. Cheryl smiled delighted at him and she said: "I didn't expect a visit from you, Ste. I've got an appointment with Carmel, we're going shopping, but I'm still glad that you're here. You were gone yesterday evening when I came back. I thought that you needed someone to talk to, but I was held up. But that doesn't matter now, does it? You're here now. So is there anything you wanna tell me, love? Now that you're feeling a little bit better?"

Ste felt a little uncomfortable, when he realised Cheryl thought he had come by to see her. He swallowed and said: "No Cheryl. I'm not here for you, although I like catching up with ya." Ste smiled at her and continued in an innocent tone: "I'm here for Brendan. Is he in?"

A shadow crossed Cheryl's face. "Why love?"

Ste sighed irritated. Not again. The conversation with Amy had been bad enough. He couldn't take another conversation like that. Ste tried to keep the irritation out of his voice when he said: "I want us to start again Cheryl."

Cheryl looked a bit shocked by his honesty and she said: "What about Doug then, love?"

Ste felt a sting in his heart by the mention of Doug's name, but he answered softly: "We broke up."

"Oh love, I'm sorry," Cheryl said with sorrow in her voice. "But shouldn't you think things through, before you jump straight back to Brendan?"

"I don't jump to anyone. It took me a long time to figure everything out and I know what I want now; Brendan." Ste took a deep breath before he continued: "I know a lot has happened between us, but that doesn't mean we can't try again."

"Ste..," Cheryl said with some kind of sadness in her voice: "Are you sure you're doing the right thing?"

Ste frowned and said: "Honestly? I've got no idea, but I do know that if I don't do this, I will regret it for the rest of my life. If it doesn't work out, then at least I tried."

Cheryl looked silently at him for a moment, but then a smile broke through on her face, she took a step forwards and said: "Go get him then, love." She hugged him and walked up the stairs, meanwhile saying: "He's in his room."

"Thank you, Cheryl," Ste mumbled to her back.

She didn't reply, but Ste was almost certain she smiled.

He walked towards Brendan's bedroom and felt the nervous butterflies appear in his stomach. What if Brendan didn't want him there? What if they were going to fight again?

He held still in front of Brendan's bedroom door.

He was about to find out.

xXx

Brendan stood in front of his closet. He'd been standing there for over fifteen minutes, trying to figure out which shirt he was going to wear, but every shirt he took out of his closet, reminded him somehow of Steven and that reminded him of the fight they had had yesterday and that reminded him of the fact Steven hadn't come back. He still tried to convince himself that it was for the best.

He heard the doorbell ring, but didn't move away from the closet. His heart pounded harder and he couldn't stop, but wondering if it may be Steven. Brendan shook his head in annoyance. It wouldn't be Steven, he knew that by now. He made it perfectly clear yesterday that he wasn't coming back and that Brendan was all on his own now.

Brendan grabbed the closet door with his right hand and leaned against it. He heard Cheryl walking down the stairs and her twinkling voice, when she greeted that person. He couldn't hear what she or the other person said, they were talking too soft for that.

Not that he was that interested to hear who was at the door. He couldn't care less. He let his left hand wander over his shirts and sighed frustrated. How hard was it to pick a damn shirt?! But he knew the answer to that. _All_ of his shirts had some kind of history with Steven. _He_ had a history with Steven. He wished he could undo a part of that history, but he knew he couldn't. He figured that it would be better if there was no future either, considering he still didn't know where the letters came from.

Thinking about the letters sent a slight feeling of panic through his stomach. He knew there was something coming and maybe it was for the best that Steven wasn't there. If he was not able to figure out who his new enemy was, how on earth was he supposed to protect Steven from that person?

Maybe he should by some new shirts, start all over. But for now he had to do with the shirts he had. He was about to take a random shirt out of his closet, when he heard the creaking of the stairs. But he couldn't remember hearing the front door open and close. Maybe that person waited for Cheryl to come back down. Vaguely Brendan remembered Cheryl talking about shopping with a friend yesterday evening. Not that he'd been listening, he'd been too preoccupied over Steven.

He heard a knock on the door and he frowned. Who the hell could that be? Didn't they know he just got up? He sighed frustrated, but he cleared his throat and said: "Yes?"

Brendan looked up, the moment the door opened, and his breath caught in his throat when he saw who was standing in the doorway.

Steven.

Steven came.

He came after all.

Steven took a step forwards and closed the door behind him: "Hi, Brendan," he said. Brendan let his eyes wander over Steven's body. He looked tense and nervous. He felt Steven's eyes run over his own body and he remembered he wasn't wearing a shirt. Steven seemed perfectly aware of that too. His cheeks turned slightly red.

"I think we need to talk," Steven said, nervous but self- assured.

Brendan just nodded and said: "You can sit down if you want."

Steven's eyes wandered through the room and his eyes established on the bed. Brendan was certain Steven was thinking of all the times he had been in that bed. Suddenly the room felt too small, when they looked at each other again. The air burst from the electricity in the room. Brendan's breathing accelerated and he felt the great urge to reduce the distance between them.

Steven cleared his throat, tore his eyes off of Brendan and walked to the bed. He cautiously sat down on its side. He bent over and took off his shoes. Brendan cocked an eyebrow and asked: "What are you doing?"

Steven looked up, turned red when he saw Brendan looking at him and said: "I was wondering if I could get my shoes back? The ones I forgot yesterday. These ones aren't as comfortable."

"They're in the living room. I can get them for you if you want." Brendan already made a move to leave the room, but Steven's words stopped him.

"No. No, it's fine. It can wait."

There fell an uncomfortable silence as they looked at each other.

Brendan was the one who broke it: "So you wanted to talk?"

Steven rubbed his hands. Brendan knew Steven always did that when he was nervous.

"Yeah," he answered, but nothing followed on that word. Brendan closed the doors of his closet and leaned against it, waiting for Steven to continue.

"I saw my coat hanging on the coat rank," Steven mumbled, without looking at Brendan.

Brendan cocked an eyebrow, Steven was talking nonsenses, but he only said: "Yeah. I hoped you had another one. It's cold outside."

Steven looked up at him and said a little defensive: "Yeah of course I do. I left it in the living room."

"Good."

Steven looked away from him, to his hands and said: "So where I wanted to talk about..."

"Yes?" Brendan asked in a deep voice.

"I want you...," Steven said, a little hesitating.

Brendan frowned his forehead: "You want me... what?"

Steven looked up at him. His cheeks turned red again and he said: "I want you. That's all."

For a moment Brendan was completely blown away by Steven's confession. He felt warmth spreading through his body, but also a warning and the words Steven had said to him last night came back in his mind. He looked disbelieving at Steven and said: "What do you mean?"

Steven raised an eyebrow and said with a laugh in his voice. "You need me to spell it out for you, Brendan?" But then he became serious again and said: "I want us together. Not like before, but proper, in a normal way."

Brendan looked at the boy and he realised it had taken Steven a lot of courage to come to him and confess what he wanted and not only that, he was willing to forget all the bad things that had happened between them, he was willing to give his heart to him again.

Steven began to move uncomfortable and Brendan saw the slight flash of panic, but also the hope in the boy's eyes. Steven sounded a little afraid when he asked him reluctantly: "Do you want to be with me?"

God, if only he knew how much he wanted to be with him, but what if he couldn't protect him from whatever it was, that was coming after him? What if he couldn't protect him from himself? Steven had been hurt enough because of him.

Brendan shook his head and put his hands in his pockets: "I'm not good for you. You pointed that out perfectly yesterday."

Steven looked at him in shock for a moment, but then he said quietly: "I shouldn't-"

Brendan made a dismissive gesture with his hand: "Don't apologise. You were right."

"No Brendan," Steven moved closer to him and looked up to him with big blue eyes: "It wasn't fair."

Brendan looked down at the boy and asked himself the question how it was possible that Steven could still believe in him, still care about him, after everything he'd done to him. Brendan turned around, walked to the window and held still in front of it. He put his hands on the window frame, looked outside and said: "I never should have hurt you the way I did. I know I wouldn't do that to you right now. But what if I will do it again in the future? I can't guarantee I changed for the best." Brendan cleared his throat uncomfortable.

It was silent for a moment after Brendan's words, but then he heard Steven standing up from the bed and a few moments later he felt a tentative hand on his back. His skin crawled from the contact of skin against skin. He wanted to turn around, but Steven had already moved his body between the window and Brendan and he felt his body react at the close presence of Steven.

Brendan looked down at the boy and Steven moved his hands up. He cupped Brendan's face between his hands and whispered: "There's no guarantee for the future, not one. But I can tell you this; if you'll ever hurt me again with your fists I'm gone for good."

Brendan closed his eyes and he felt how Steven pulled his head closer to his own and a moment later their foreheads touched. Brendan inhaled Steven's scent and his stomach twitched of the longing he felt for him. Steven whispered softly: "But that doesn't need to happen and I will not let this opportunity of being with you pass. I think we can learn from the past, but it shouldn't stop us from doing what we want. Just because we made mistakes in the past doesn't mean that we will make them again in the future."

Brendan looked at Steven with half closed eyes and sniffed. He wanted to believe Steven so much.

Steven let his hands drop beside his body and he moved his head away from Brendan's, in the meantime he said: "Brendan, I'm not gonna beg you to give me another change, but I would like to know what you think."

"It's just a lot you ask from me Steven," Brendan grunted. Steven walked away from him and let himself fall on the bed again. Brendan couldn't stop himself from following Steven with his eyes.

He sat in the middle of the bed and Brendan had to tear his eyes off of him, just to prevent that he would walk over there and do things he probably shouldn't do. He walked to his closet, took his light blue shirt out of it and put it on. He rolled up the sleeves. He felt Steven's eyes follow every move he made, meanwhile he heard Steven say in a teasing voice: "Brendan, if I want to give it another change, you shouldn't be the one having a problem with that."

Brendan turned around and looked at Steven, who still stared at him. Brendan couldn't hide his smile at Steven's comment.

Brendan walked towards the bed and let himself sit on the bed side: "I don't have a problem with it. If only God would know how much I want you back. But I don't want you getting involved with somebody like me."

"You're not a bad person Brendan. When are you gonna believe that?"

Brendan smiled. Steven was always so sure when it came to him, having a good side. "Why do you always see something good in me?"

"Because there is," Steven answered.

Brendan smiled lightly and said with a playful voice: "Maybe if you keep telling me that, I might start to believe it."

"I'm not gonna do that. Your ego is big enough," Ste replied, amusement covering his voice.

Brendan arched an eyebrow. "And what did you just say then?"

"Shut up"! Steven responded still with amusement in his voice.

"Why Steven? You sta-"

He was interrupted when Steven hit him with a pillow: "Eh," Brendan yelled: "What are you-"

"I told you to shut up!" Steven chuckled, looking at him with twinkles in his eyes.

Brendan felt the pillow hit his arm and then he heard Steven's rejoicing laugh.

"You should see your face right now!" Steven said loudly.

"Yeah?"

"Yes," Steven replied, laughing.

Brendan grabbed the other pillow and he raised it to hit Steven, but Steven was quicker and had already left the bed and stood by the door, ready to attack, if Brendan came to close. He was still laughing. Brendan crawled over the bed towards Steven, but before he could get up, he felt something soft hit his head. He stood up from the bed and his eyes found Steven at the other end of the bed. He laughed so hard now that his whole body shook.

"That's three for me, zero for you. You're getting old Brendan."

Brendan grunted, but he couldn't hide his smile. Brendan ran to the other side of the bed and Steven jumped on the bed. Brendan raised his pillow and hit Steven against his waist. Steven got in defensive mode and they fought, pillow against pillow. Then Brendan jumped on the bed and Steven screamed. He turned around to jump of the bed, but Brendan grabbed the boy around his waist and let himself fall backwards on the bed, taking Steven with him.

Steven screamed again and laughed when he hit the bed with his back. They lay side by side, Brendan's right arm lay around Steven's back. Brendan turned his head towards Steven. Steven already looked at him with twinkles in his eyes. Their breathing was heavy and Brendan felt his heart pound hard against his chest. Steven let his eyes wander over his face and Brendan's breath caught in his throat. The atmosphere changed and Steven pushed himself up on one elbow. He looked down at Brendan and Brendan let his eyes wander over Steven's face. Steven moved his hand and touched Brendan's chest.

"So do you want to give it a change?" Steven asked. Brendan looked at Steven and saw the honesty and hope in the boy's eyes.

"Yes."

"Yes," Steven repeated a little disbelieving, but also very happy.

"Yes, but-" Brendan began.

"Yes, but what?" Steven interrupted, frowning.

"But what about Douglas?"

xXx

"But what about Douglas"?

Ste blinked his eyes, confused for a moment. What about Doug? Then he remembered that he never told Brendan that Doug and he broke up. He sat up straight and said: "Yeah, that's where I wanted to talk to you about yesterday."

Brendan sat up straight, made himself comfortable against a pillow at the head of the bed and looked expectantly at Ste.

Ste sighed for a moment and moved to the head of the bed, next to Brendan. His shoulder touched Brendan's upper arm and an electric shock ran through him.

Ste looked at the wall in front of him. He felt Brendan's eyes on him, but he didn't look up. It was hard to find the right words, eventually he just mumbled:

"Doug and I... we... broke up."

It was silent for a moment. The words hanging in the air.

"Really?" Brendan muttered eventually, his tone nonchalant, but Ste could hear the light tremor in his voice.

"No, not really. I would joke about something like that," Ste shook his head and continued: "Of course it's true."

Brendan didn't seem to care about his sarcastic answer and asked: "Any particular reason?"

"Well...," Ste swallowed and said: "There are a lot of reasons, but one of them is that..." Ste acted like he needed to think hard about that answer for a long time and added: "there's... someone else for me."

"Is there now?" Ste heard the merely playful tone in Brendan's voice.

Ste looked down at his hands, to hide his smile: "Yeah."

"And this person, is he the reason you broke up?"

Ste looked up and met Brendan's eyes: "You could say that, yes."

There was amusement written in Brendan's eyes, but also something else. Something that made Ste's heart beat faster and started a fire in his chest.

Brendan's eyes ran over his face and he growled softly: "That's not very nice of that man."

Ste smiled a little and said: "Well, it's not entirely his fault."

"No?" Brendan asked, moving his right hand. Ste felt the near presence of Brendan's hand by his back, which sent shivers down his spine.

"No, he is too irresistible for me." Ste's body tingled because of the near presence of Brendan.

"Yeah? How come?" Brendan's voice was still covered with amusement, but Ste also heard a tremble in Brendan's voice what suggested that Ste's presence did not leave him unaffected.

Ste needed to take a deep breath, before he could answer: "Well, there's always this tension between us. Even if we are on the other side of the room."

Brendan moved his head closer to Ste and his knee touched Ste's. Ste's body reacted immediately, making his blood boil.

"And...?" Brendan's voice was only a whisper, but Ste heard the seductive undertone.

"I like it when he is close," Ste answered, moving his eyes to Brendan's lips.

Brendan moved his head even closer to his. "Like this?"

Ste had the feeling he couldn't breathe. "Yeah like this," he whispered.

"He is hard to resist when he is this close?" Ste slowly looked up and met Brendan's eyes. His eyes were filled with desire. Ste whispered:

"Yeah, very hard. I can't breathe properly when he is this close."

Brendan moved his eyes to Ste's lips and Ste felt the tension built up in his stomach.

"You want him to kiss you then?" he growled softly at Ste's lips.

"There is nothing I want more," Ste replied softly, with twinkles in his eyes, although he couldn't ignore the knot of expectation in his stomach.

"Good to know, " Brendan whispered, his lips only inches from those of Ste. Brendan looked up to Ste's eyes again and back to his lips and smiled a little, before he kissed Ste on the lips.

The air burst from the electricity that ran free by the first touch of lips. Ste felt Brendan's lips on his mouth and his body reacted immediately by the kiss of the man he loved. He kissed Brendan back with a passion he hadn't felt in a very long time. First it were only lips that touched, but then Brendan let his tongue slid inside and Ste moaned softly. Brendan touched Ste's face with his left hand, pulling him in closer. Ste grabbed Brendan's shirt with his right hand and let his other hand wander off to his neck.

Brendan's right hand lay on Ste's back, pulling Ste's body closer to his own. Ste could feel the heat of Brendan's body against his and the desire ran even higher. Brendan pushed Ste with his own body down on the bed and Ste's head touched a pillow. Brendan lay half on top of him now, but hadn't stopped kissing him. Ste let his hand wander over Brendan's back, acknowledging the sensation of being so near Brendan again. He wanted to be with Brendan, not only in bed, but outside of it as well. He also knew that, that would take time. He just needed to make sure Brendan knew that and would understand it.

Ste moved his hand to Brendan's neck and moved his lips off of Brendan's, letting his head rest in the pillow: "I just want to take things slow," he mumbled.

"Yeah?"

Ste nodded his head softly.

Brendan looked down at him for a moment, and then he said: "Alright."

Before Ste could say or do anything, Brendan moved his head down again and kissed Ste softly on the lips. It was a slow kiss, one you can only dream of and hope you will get someday. He let himself be carried away by the feeling of Brendan lips on his. Brendan gradually deepened the kiss. Ste felt Brendan touch his face feathery light with his fingertips. Brendan's lips slowly took possession of his mouth, his tongue touched his gently and Ste's heart melted.

He finally was at the place he belonged, the place he should be. Ste's hand lay on Brendan's back and Brendan caressed Ste's face, moved his hand through Ste's hair.

Brendan gently withdrew his tongue and only touched Ste's lips with his, before he took his lips off of his completely. His face was still so close, Ste could feel Brendan's rapid breaths on his face. Ste opened his eyes slowly and looked into those of Brendan, which had become darker because of the passion. Brendan touched Ste's lips softly with his fingertips and said in a low and husky voice:

"Is this the slow you wanted?"

"Mmmm," was the only thing Ste mumbled, before he pulled Brendan in for another kiss.

After a while Ste needed to break the kiss off, his lungs were short of breath and he was sure that that had something to do with Brendan's body lying on top of his.

Brendan opened his eyes and looked down at Ste "Everything alright?" Brendan asked with a raw and deep voice.

"Cant breath," Ste managed to say.

"Sorry," Brendan mumbled apologetic. Ste rolled his eyes, he didn't miss the mocking smirk Brendan gave him before he moved away, rolling to the other side of the bed. He was far from sorry. But at least he could breathe again, although Ste immediately missed the warmth of Brendan's body.

They were silent for a while, until their breathing slowed down.

"You don't regret it, do you?" Brendan asked and Ste could hear the small hint of insecurity in his voice. Ste sat up straight, cross- legged and looked at Brendan who lay on the other side of the bed.

"Nope, you were alright," Ste said, chuckling.

Brendan raised an eyebrow, a bit confused.

"I guess you still need some practice, but you will get there."

"I. Need. Some. Practice," Brendan repeated, his eyes getting dangerously dark.

"Yeah," Ste muttered, a bit worried that he might have brought himself into trouble.

"Okay."

Brendan got up slowly on his hands and knees and crawled towards him, like a tiger ready to jump on his prey. His eyes shimmered darkly. He stopped only inches away from Ste's face. He let his eyes wander over Ste's, before he moved his head, very slowly, towards Ste's mouth and Ste's breath caught in his throat.

Then Brendan kissed him long and soft on the lips. He took his lips off of Ste's and whispered: "How about that?"

Ste looked at Brendan's eyes, which were filled with desire. He said with a light tremble in his voice. "Not bad."

"Not bad, hmmm?" Brendan replied in a low voice, before he moved his head closer and kissed Ste again. His lips were hard on Ste's and Ste moaned softly. Brendan let his tongue slid inside and a fire started in Ste's chest. Their lips and tongues were the only things that touched, but it was enough, more than enough. Their breathing became heavier again, while Brendan kissed him long and deep.

Brendan broke off their kiss and Ste felt Brendan's eyes burn into his, while he spoke.

"Better?"

"Breath taking," Ste said breathless.

Brendan smirked satisfied and said in a deep voice: "Good". Brendan broke off their intense eye contact and stretched himself out on the bed again, still with a smile upon his face. He was silent for moment, trying to catch his breath, before he said: "I was talking about Doug by the way."

"I know, but I wasn't," Ste said with a smirk.

He looked down at Brendan, his eyes were closed and at first sight he seemed relaxed. But there was a tension in his shoulders, in his half clenched fists that told Ste that his was far from relaxed. Ste knew that Brendan needed the reassurance. So he added on a more serious tone. "And no, I don't regret it. I didn't make him happy Bren. He didn't make me happy. I guess I just wanted it to work, we both did. But you can't force yourself to be in a relationship. You can't force yourself to love someone, in the end it only makes you miserable. It just took me a long time to figure that out." Ste shrugged lightly. "And even longer to figure out what it is that I do want."

A short silence followed before Brendan said on a concluding tone. "Me."

Ste smiled lightly and nodded. "You." after a short silence he added: "And you know what Bren."

"What?"

"I think we can make this work. You and me. I think we'll be alright."

Brendan glanced up at Ste and gave him an intense, thoughtful look. "You weren't so sure yesterday."

Ste bit his lower lip, feeling guilty all of a sudden. "I'm sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have said what I said."

Brendan growled at the back of his throat. "Stop apologizing. You were mad and… you were right. I'm not good at this… trusting people. I've never-"

Ste put one finger against Brendan's lips to shut him up.

"I know," Ste muttered softly, with a smile on his face. "Apologies accepted".

Brendan opened his eyes and glanced up at Ste. He opened his mouth to protest so Ste placed his whole hand over the man's mouth to make sure he couldn't speak at all. Ste saw the playful twinkles in Brendan's eyes and it wasn't hard for him to figure out what Brendan was thinking of doing.

"Bren don't you dare, you-"

**Uhm… Sorry for breaking it of like that. I needed to stop somewhere and I figured this was the right place. Makes you wonder what Brendan's is going to do, right? Anyway this chapter was so long that I needed to cut it into two parts. I had so much fun writing that it became much longer than it was meant to be. Not that it matters, but it was too long to upload it in whole. Oh, and I will try to upload the next chapter by the end of the week. It's far from finished, but I can try. **

**All there is left to say is that I wish you all a wonderful new year filled with love, joy, and treasured moments. May 2013 be your best year yet! Just do what you want to do, just do what feels right for you. And remember: **

_**Happiness doesn't depend on how much you have to enjoy, but how much you enjoy what you have.**_

**xXx**** Bakaatje **


	23. Chapter 23

**I actually wanted to upload this chapter last week, but I got ill so I wasn't able to finish this. I hope it is worth the wait though! Anyway thanks for reading and reviewing. And enjoy chapter 23 :) **

**Chapter 23**

Brendan would never give Steven the chance to finish his sentence. Brendan grabbed his wrist and with his other hand Steven's T-shirt. He turned them both around, so he was on top of Steven again, his legs placed on both sides of Steven's waist. Brendan's hands had a tight grip on his wrists and he pinned them down on the mattress. "What were you saying"? Brendan growled in a low voice, looking down at Steven.

Steven glared back and snapped: "That you're the most annoying, demanding, self-centered, selfish and arrogant Irish man in the whole wide world."

Brendan smirked and moved his head closer to Steven's. He blew his warm breath in Steven's face and said quietly: "And what were you planning to do about that?"

Steven narrowed his eyes, but stayed surprisingly silent.

Brendan brought his head even closer to Steven's. The tips of their noses touched and Brendan saw the returning passion in Steven's eyes.

"So you think that are the five words to describe me? _Interesting._ You wanna know the five words that I think describe you?" Brendan asked with a deep voice, looking at the boy lying underneath him. Steven's lips were parted, waiting to be kissed. Brendan moved his head as close as possible, like he wanted to give in and kiss Steven, but before the first touch of their lips, he moved his head, until his mouth was next to Steven's ear. "Stubborn."

He placed a soft kiss next to Steven's ear and he moved his lips until they were touching Steven's forehead. "Hotheaded." He planted another kiss there and moved his head down to the boy's cheek. "Outspoken," Brendan muttered and he kissed Steven's cheekbone.

Steven's body moved impatiently underneath those of Brendan's, so Brendan tightened his grip on Steven's wrists. "Bren," Steven moaned frustrated.

Brendan smirked because of Steven's impatience and he kissed the corner of the lad's mouth. "Sexy."

He pulled his head back and looked down at Steven. Steven did his best to look angry at him, but Brendan saw the adoration in his eyes. Steven's lips were still swollen due to their last kisses.

Brendan lowered his head and gave the boy what he wanted. A long and soft kiss right on the mouth. Brendan released Steven's wrists and their fingers entwined.

After a while Brendan broke of the kiss and lifted his head. "Brave," he finished.

Xxx

Ste glanced at the man hanging above him. There was a look in Brendan's eyes, a look that Ste couldn't quite place, but a look that made him feel unexpected warmth. A warmth that curled in his chest and nudged at his heart, sending a tingling sensation through his body. Brendan smiled lightly, like he knew the effect he had on the boy, before moving off of Ste's body and rolling back on his back.

Ste lay still for a matter of seconds, eyes closed, listening to nothing but the breathing of Brendan and enjoying the mysterious warmth in his chest. Then the desire to look at the man next to him became too great. He opened his eyes and moved his head to the right. To come to the conclusion that he would have a much better sight if he would be sitting up straight.

So Ste sat up and sat cross- legged with his body turned towards Brendan. He let his head rest in his hands and he placed his elbows upon his knees. He watched Brendan, whom had made himself comfortable, hands under his head, eyes closed. His breath coming out slowly and frequently. If he hadn't known any better he would have thought that Brendan was asleep. It was an adoring sight. Brendan Brady was looking adorable.

That thought made Ste chuckle.

Brendan didn't miss that sound, because he muttered with his eyes closed. "What?"

Ste doubted that Brendan wanted to hear that he was looking adorable, so instead he said: "Nothing. You look so comfortable with me being around."

"That's probably because I am."

Ste shivered lightly. Brendan's words did strange things to his heart.

"You didn't think I would come back, did ya?"

Brendan's eyes flew open and he gave Ste an intense and surprised look. His eyes lingered on Ste's face for a moment before he closed them again.

"I would have understood if you hadn't," Brendan said, not denying his words, but not confirming them either.

"You should have some faith in me, Bren. The things I said yesterday... I didn't mean to say them. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I was just mad and-"

"You had every reason to be mad and say those things," Brendan interrupted. "I guess I was..." Brendan stopped himself, looking for the right word, eventually he muttered: "Unreasonable."

Ste could see how difficult it was for Brendan to say that word, to admit he had been wrong. A smile broke through on Ste's face and he was glad Brendan couldn't see it. If he had seen it, he probably would have taken it the wrong way. Like he was laughing at him, but he wasn't. No, he was proud. Proud that Brendan apologized to him. Proud because his apology was sincere.

"Thank you."

The smallest of smiles crossed Brendan's features when he heard Ste's words.

They enjoyed the silence for a while and Ste let his mind wander off. He finally dared to think about the future. A future with Brendan. Who would have thought that they would ever get this far. After all this time. After everything that had happened. They had finally reached this point. It was almost too good to be true. Ste turned away from Brendan and looked out of the window. What if it was? Brendan hadn't said anything for a while now and Ste started to wonder what was going on in the man's head. Which he knew he shouldn't do, because it was always something that frustrated him immensely. That man was impossible to read. But he couldn't stop himself, some of his old doubt had already crept inside. Was Brendan really fine with this relationship thing? And if he was, did he mind taking it slow? He had seemed resistant about getting back together with him. What if he didn't really want this? What if he was already changing his mind? What if-

Suddenly he felt an arm wrap around his waist. Brendan pulled him backwards, against his chest, his forehead resting on the boy's hair. "Don't do that to yourself, eh," the man murmured in his ear and all Ste could do was nod, unable to speak because this simple action had moved him so much.

He felt Brendan's head shift and then he felt the gentle pressure of the man's lips against his skin. "I won't let you go, _ever again_," Brendan whispered against his skin as he held him closer, inhaling his scent, before backing away.

For a matter of seconds Ste sat completely motionless, his brain unable to progress Brendan's words and actions. Brendan's next words brought him back.

"You still want to know what is going on?"

Ste opened his eyes and nodded surprised. Thereafter realizing that Brendan couldn't see him nod because Brendan had closed his eyes, leaning with his back against the head of the bed. So Ste cleared his throat, which sounded suspiciously hoarse, and said: "_Of course_ I want to _know_."

When Ste realized how enthusiastic that sounded, his cheeks turned red and he stammered:

"But only if you want to tell me. You don't need to if you don't want to or if you think that it's better that I don't know. You don't have to force yourself to tell me because you think that I want to know. Not that I don't want to know, cause I do. It's just that you really seemed to panic yesterday and you never, well not very often, panic, though I think I've seen you panic once when-"

"Steven."

Blue eyes snapped up to Ste's and he found himself caught in another intense gaze courteous of Brendan Brady. His mind went blank and he found it hard to remember what he was trying to say.

"Yes…?" Ste muttered, when he finally remembered how to talk.

"I want to tell you, but you've got to be quiet or I won't be able to tell you anything at all."

Ste turned completely red. "Sorry."

Brendan rolled his eyes, sat slightly more upright and let his eyes rest on the wall.

Ste stiffened and tried to breathe as gently as possible so he wouldn't disturb Brendan. He didn't want Brendan to change his mind about telling him.

"The truth is that there is not much to tell." Brendan cocked his head to one side and massaged his temples. "All I know is that someone is coming after me. I don't know why. I don't know who. I don't know what he or she wants. I know nothing. That's probably what…"

"What-" Ste interrupted, but he fell quiet when Brendan gave him a warning look.

"What… annoys me the most. I'm not used to this not knowingness. I've had people after me before. You know that. But I always knew who they were and if you know your enemy then you can put yourself in their place. But now… I can't. I've got no clue whatsoever."

"So the thrown in window and that letter it were all…threats?" There arose a laugh in Ste's throat. He knew he shouldn't laugh, so he placed a hand over his mouth to stifle it, but a light chuckle escaped his lips.

"Why is that so funny?" Brendan grunted.

His expression made Ste laugh out loud. He'd never seen anyone look mad, offended and confused at the same time. "It's just silly, isn't it?"

Brendan's jaw tightened while his irritation grew, but this only increased Ste's laughter.

"They couldn't have thought of anything better. Throwing in a window. That's _really scary_."

Brendan narrowed his eyes and snapped: "This is the last time I tell you something."

He made a move to get out of bed, so Ste said hastily:

"Oh come on Bren, don't be so peeved. I don't mean it like that. It's just that whoever that person is he can't be that terrifying if he threatens you this way."

xXx

"You're just assuming the worst. Alright so maybe you don't know who it is. But look at what he or she has done till now. All you have is a broken window and a letter. That's all Bren." Steven shrugged lightly. "Just a broken window and a letter."

Brendan took Steven in quietly, while he pondered the boy's words.

Maybe he was right. Maybe he was taking it far too serious. In the end of the day it were, like Steven said, just two letters and a broken window. And whatever that person thought he knew, it couldn't be that bad. And even if that person knew something important, then it still would be nothing he couldn't handle.

Maybe he was overreacting. Though he would never ever admit that.

Steven looked at him questioningly and a little nervous.

Brendan sighed: "Maybe your right, maybe it's nothing, but I'm going to find out who this person is and then we'll see."

Steven nodded relieved. "Okay." He tapped with his fingers upon his knees and asked: "So what now?"

Brendan arched an eyebrow. "Getting bored of my company already?"

"No, never," Steven replied with an honesty in his voice that never failed to amaze Brendan. "But what are _we _going to do now?"

_We. _He liked the sound of that. It was something that would take some time to get used to, but Steven and him, they were _we _now.

"We…" the word tasted strange, but surprisingly good on his tongue. "Are not going to do anything. You can stay if you like, but I'm gonna lie down."

He suited the action to the word by stretching out on the bed and closing his eyes

xXx

Ste looked down on Brendan, who was now lying next to him with closed eyes: "Are you tired or something?"

Brendan grunted and said: "Didn't have much sleep last night."

"Go figures," Ste said, with a smile: "Me neither."

I small smile crossed Brendan's face, before he stretched out his arm and said: "Come here then."

Ste hesitated for a moment, but then he smiled and let his body rest next to Brendan's. He let his head rest on Brendan's shoulder and put his arm over Brendan's chest. Brendan put his arm around him, his hand now resting on Ste's back.

Ste could hear Brendan's heart beat through his chest. He could feel the warmth of Brendan through his whole body and he closed his eyes.

He could stay here forever. Just Brendan's body so close, hearing Brendan's rhythmic breathing. He moved his head a little and he planted a kiss on Brendan's collarbone. He felt a shiver run through Brendan, so he kissed him again, softly on his shoulder.

"Steven," he heard Brendan grunt, half warningly, half amused.

Ste looked up to Brendan's face. Brendan had still closed eyes. "Yes?" Ste answered playfully, already moving his head to Brendan's neck.

"I remember you saying something about taking it slow."

"Hmm," Ste muttered against Brendan's neck, before he moved his lips away from him and said softly: "I did, didn't I?"

"Then stop it, before I change my mind about it," Brendan grunted, looking at him through half closed eyes.

Ste smiled, but let his head rest on Brendan's shoulder again and sighed content.

"Now stay still for a moment, will ya," Brendan muttered.

Ste curled himself up against Brendan's body and closed his eyes again. The tendency to say something was very big, but he knew Brendan wouldn't appreciate it, so he kept quiet. He lay in Brendan's arms for a while, until he heard Brendan's breathing getting deeper. Ste smiled. Brendan had fallen asleep.

Ste stayed where he was, in the warm embrace of Brendan. He yawned and moved his head, so he lay with his head on Brendan's heart. He heard the regular beating of it. The rhythm had something hypnotic and his thoughts wandered off. Not soon after that Ste fell asleep in the arms of the man he loved.

xXx

Ste was awakened by a noise that broke through his half asleep state. He moaned softly and tried to understand where that sound came from. Then he remembered where he was and his eyes flew open. He was still in Brendan's bed and Brendan was still here, holding him tightly. His leg lay over Brendan's and his hand lay still on Brendan's chest. He couldn't really tell how long they had been sleeping, but the sound that he heard, didn't come from this room. Then he suddenly heard something again, but this time it was another noise. Footsteps! There was someone in the house and he was still here, with Brendan, in a bed! The bad part was, the footsteps moved their way!

"Brendan," he shook the still sleeping Brendan awake. "Brendan!" Ste hissed softly.

"What?" Brendan growled in a voice that was thick of sleep.

Ste didn't try to panic, when the footsteps came closer: "Someone's coming."

"So?" Ste froze in his movement to get out of the bed, his hand on Brendan's chest in order to get out of his grip, although Brendan was still holding him tight.

"Shouldn't I go?" he asked, incredulous, that Brendan was so calm.

"Hmm," Brendan grunted, but the grip of Brendan's arm tightened around Ste's waist, so Ste was pulled against Brendan's body again: "They will go away," he mumbled.

"I don't think..." Ste stopped talking when the footsteps held still in front of the door and he heard someone say: "Brendan?"

The door was opened and Lynsey appeared in the doorway. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the bed and Ste felt his cheeks turn slightly red.

"O, I'm sorry." although she didn't look so sorry, only highly amused.

Ste almost jumped through the roof when he heard Brendan speak.

"Lynsey, what do you want? I'm trying to sleep," he said in a low voice, without opening his eyes.

"Just wanted to know if you were home." Her eyes ran curiously over Ste and he smiled sheepish to her, trying to act like it was completely normal he accompanied Brendan while he was sleeping.

"Can't you knock?" Brendan grumbled.

Lynsey cleared her throat and said with amusement in her voice: "Yeah... well... Maybe you should lock the door when you've got company..."

Ste let his eyes wander off to Brendan's face and saw Brendan frown his forehead. "Well now you know I'm home..." Brendan said, on a tone that made clear he wanted her to leave.

Thank God Lynsey understood the hint. "Yeah, I'll leave you to it." Ste felt her eyes on him and he looked up. She smiled and gave him a wink.

Ste smiled back uncomfortable, before she closed the door.

Brendan still hadn't opened his eyes.

There fell a silence while Ste looked at Brendan. He was so calm. He wasn't jumping out of the bed and hadn't pushed him aside. He was still here. Brendan was still holding him. Ste let his underarms rest on Brendan's torso and let his chin rest on his hands, before he said: "Brendan, are you feeling alright?"

Ste saw a light smile crossing Brendan's face, before he said: "Why are you asking me that question, Steven?"

"You're acting strange," Ste clarified.

"Am I?" Brendan asked with amusement in his voice.

"Yes," Ste answered, still a little disbelieving that Brendan was so calm.

"I never act strange, Steven. You know that," Brendan mumbled.

"Well now you do."

Brendan took a deep breath and sighed. "Maybe I'm just tired," he said, on a tone that made clear he wanted Ste to stop going on about it.

"Don't worry. I think I'm going to like this strange side of you," Ste said in a playful voice.

Brendan smiled again. He smiled again. Ste was going to treasure all the smiles he got from Brendan today.

"Good," Brendan mumbled.

They were silent again and Ste let his eyes wander through the room. He always felt safe here. When he was here he had the feeling no one could hurt him. His eyes landed on the alarm clock on Brendan's bedside table. It was almost twelve o'clock.

"Bren?" Ste said softly. Brendan grunted as a sign he listened. "I've got to go."

First Brendan opened one eye and then the other. He looked at Ste for a moment before he growled in a low voice: "Where do you have to go?"

"I've got to get the kids."

"Can't Amy do it?"

Ste smiled and said: "She's at work.

Brendan sighed and said: "Okay, go on then." He loosened his grip on Ste's waist, so he could get up.

Ste felt very reluctant to get up, but he knew he had to leave now if he wanted to be on time. He moved away from Brendan and got up.

Brendan grunted frustrated before he sat up straight and stood up from the bed. "I will get your shoes," he said without looking at Ste. He walked to the door and disappeared through it.

In the time Brendan was getting his shoes, Ste tried to make himself decent again. He pulled his T-shirt down and his vest straight. He ran a hand through his hair. His body was still warm because he had been lying in Brendan's arms.

Brendan came back, with Ste's shoes in his hand and closed the door behind him. "Here you go," he said and let the shoes fall in front of Ste's feet.

"Thanks," Ste muttered. He sat down on the bed and put his shoes on. He looked up at Brendan, who was watching him, he looked uncomfortable. Brendan put his hands in his pocket and said: "So what are you gonna do tonight?"

"Don't know. Don't have any plans. You?"

"Work."

Ste nodded and stood up, grabbing his other pair of shoes from the ground: "I really need to go now."

He walked past Brendan, but Brendan grabbed his arm. Ste looked up at him. He saw Brendan taking a deep breath and he said: "This slow thing…"

"What about it?" Ste looked curiously at him.

Brendan cleared his throat and said slowly: "It sounds… alright, I guess".

Ste smiled at him and said: "Good. I'll text you," his smile turned wider: "but I really need to go.

"Yes, I know, but before you go…" Brendan smiled at him and Steven understood what he wanted when his head came closer.

He already felt Brendan's mouth on his, before he had the chance to close his eyes. The shoes he had been holding fell on the ground. Brendan's hand lay in his neck and pulled him closer. His kiss was passionate and raw. Ste's knees became weak and he had to grab Brendan's shoulders to remain in balance

Brendan broke off the kiss and whispered to Ste's lips: "Now go, before I change my mind."

Ste turned around, took the shoes from the ground again and left the house with a big smile upon his face, but without his heart, which he hoped Brendan would keep safe.

**It only takes a minute to review, so if you have the time, please review cause it means a lot to me!**


	24. Chapter 24

**I'm sorry. It really has been ages since I uploaded. Some things happened in my life that I wish hadn't happened and I kind of lost the inspiration to write. But I found it back :) I hope you enjoy this chapter! **

**Chapter 24**

It was late in the afternoon when Brendan finally left his bedroom. After Steven's departure he'd decided to make the most of his free afternoon by... sleeping some more. In the past he could spent days without much sleep, but not anymore. He'd been working a lot the last few days and the downside to that was that he'd been skipping a lot of sleep. He was feeling it in his bones, he was starting to get old. His twenties seemed like a lifetime away.

Cheryl was busy in the kitchen. The smell of cooking filled the room. She looked up when she heard him and a big grin appeared on her face. Brendan ignored her expectant face and walked past her to the coffee machine.

But he knew he couldn't get Cheryl of his back that easily.

"Is there anything you would like to tell me?" she asked, sounding like an excited child.

"Like what?" he growled, putting on the coffee machine and taking a mug out of a cabinet.

"Well I saw Ste this morning," she hinted. "And I told him to go to your room."

"Mmmhh," Brendan muttered.

"Oh come on Bren," she hit him playfully on his shoulder. "You've got to tell me what happened."

Brendan sighed, knowing she wouldn't leave him alone, until he'd given her an answer and turned around to look at her. "We talked."

"And…?"

"And he left just a few hours ago."

"Just a few hours?!" she squirmed giggling.

Brendan rolled his eyes. "It was nothing like that. We just… slept."

"Of course you did," Cheryl smirked.

_Unbelievable._ For once he was telling the truth and of course she didn't believe him.

"And? Are you two like actual _boyfriends _now?"

Brendan opened his mouth to give his usual sarcastic reply when someone stated something like that, but this time he found that he couldn't. Instead he noticed he was smirking back stupidity at her enthusiastic face and that told her all she needed to know.

"Oh, I'm so happy for you. I didn't think I would ever see the day."

She pulled him into a hug and after a slight hesitation he returned it. She pulled back slightly to examine his face and she seemed to approve of what she saw.

"What?' Brendan asked, raising his eyebrows.

She hesitated a moment before she spoke: "Nothing. It's just unusual. You're looking so… happy. I can't remember the last time you looked that way."

Brendan looked at her in astonishment.

"It looks good on you though," she added when she saw his face. "Happiness."

Brendan shook his head. Happy. He was never happy, ever. He was never in a good mood, let alone a happy one. It was strange that she even suggested it. He wanted to give her a sarcastic reply, but for the second time in just a few minutes he found himself at a loss of words. He couldn't deny it because the feeling that tightened his chest and made his heart beat faster when Steven had been with him, was still there. Even now while Steven was long gone, the feeling hadn't faded.

It was a strange sensation. It was a feeling he hadn't felt for so long that it took his breath away. There had been moments in his life where he had been close to that feeling. That he had felt a flicker of it, had seen a glimpse of it. But never the way he was feeling it now. His whole body was filled with lightness and warmth. The only times he had been feeling something similar had been the day Declan had been born and a few years later Padraig.

Happy. He was happy.

Brendan closed his eyes and waited for the moment when the feeling would disappear. Feelings like these weren't made for him. Happiness was a feeling for people with hope, not for people like him. People with a past. People whom had made more mistakes, than they could remember, than they wanted to remember. But the feeling didn't disappear. It only seemed to become stronger with the closing of his eyes.

And all because of Steven. The man he loved.

He hadn't said the words out loud. But that wasn't necessary. They knew each other better than anyone. The love Steven felt for him was visible in his eyes, his voice, the way he touched him. Steven loved him. It was just as simple as that. And he loved Steven. Brendan was certain Steven knew that. Words had never been necessary. Not between them. And there was more than enough time to let him know. They had time.

All those thoughts went through his mind, but all he gave Cheryl was a small smile.

Cheryl returned the smile. "So when are you going to see Ste again?"

Brendan shrugged. "Not till tomorrow. I have to work tonight so-"

"So? He can come over after you're done, can't he?"

"He could, but he won't," Brendan growled irritated by her pushing.

Cheryl gave him a searching look. "You already miss him, don't you?"

"I'm not missing-"

"Are you sure you can survive that long without him?" Cheryl interrupted, her tone slightly mocking.

"I survived it the last thirty-three years, so getting through one night without him will hardly be a problem," Brendan snapped, hating her questions. What was this? A freaking interrogation? He would do just fine tonight. Without Steven. Without seeing him. It wouldn't be a problem. The ache in is heart had nothing to do with the fact that he was missing Steven already. He would be fine. It was only one freaking night. He would be fine...

Cheryl raised her hands in a peaceful gesture. "Okay, okay. I was just asking. There's no reason to get mad."

"I'm not," Brendan snarled, voice low.

Cheryl gave him a significant glance before turning around to finish the dinner. Brendan drank his coffee, trying to make some sense out of his mixed up emotions. After a while Cheryl said: "I'm glad that our window is fixed. The men did a good job."

He was surprised at her sudden change of subject, but she seemed to understand that the subject Steven was closed for now. Brendan cleared his throat and noticed to his own surprise that it was hoarse.

"Yeah, they did."

This afternoon some men had placed the new window. It looked as good as new, there was no sign left of what had happened.

Cheryl sighed. "I guess we'll never find out who threw it in."

"Does it matter?" Brendan spoke softly, his own words actually surprising him. He found that he honestly didn't care. Not anymore. What did it matter? Steven was right. It was nothing to worry about. He'd more important things on his mind.

Cheryl looked at him in light surprise and shook her head in disbelief. "Apparently not." She took something out of the oven and asked, "Are you hungry?"

A chuckle left Brendan's lips as he walked over to the table. "Do you really have to ask?" he replied with a grin.

xXx

Brendan looked at his phone for the sixtieth time that evening and let it almost drop when the door of his office was opened, feeling his heart pop up, in the hope it might be Steven, feeling disappointed when it turned out to be Mitzeee.

She leant casually on the doorpost, one hand on her hip. "We can use your help," she pointed out, with a persuasive voice.

"Can't you see I'm busy," he growled back.

"With what? Checking your phone?"

He glanced at her for a moment. Sometimes it was so annoying she saw through everything.

"You know what you need? A night surrounded by a lot of people," she continued wisely.

"I didn't ask for your advice Anne," he growled at her.

"So you're just gonna sit here, looking at your phone all night, hoping Ste will call you."

"How did ya-," Brendan started offended.

"News travels fast, darling. You, of all people, should know that."

Brendan lifted an eyebrow and looked at her piercingly.

Mitzeee rolled her eyes at his look and said: "You don't have to look so grumpy, Lynsey told me."

"Really," Brendan answered with a dangerous undertone.

"Well, you can't actually blame her. I almost had to drag it out of her, but I always know when something juicy is going on," she replied with a smile.

He sighed and said: "Go back to work, Anne. I don't pay you to stand there and babble on about my personal life."

"Fine, but I wasn't joking though, we could really use your help."

Brendan sighed again and mumbled, "Be right there." Apparently that was enough to get Mitzeee of his back, cause she closed the door, after she gave him one of her triumphantly looks.

He checked his phone again, just to put it down in irritation. This was just pathetic. He was pathetic. He wanted to send Steven a text, but he couldn't. He'd promised the boy to take things slow and getting in contact now wouldn't be _slow, _not at all_._ He'd only seen Steven this morning, but already there was nothing he wanted more than to see Steven again. Steven and his stupid ideas. Taking it slow, what were they? Freaking teenagers? But he'd promised and he wouldn't break this particular one. If it was important to Steven to take things slow then Brendan would respect his wishes. If Steven wanted slow then he could get slow. He wouldn't call or text Steven till tomorrow afternoon, but god knew it was hard! Maybe there was a small change that the boy would miss him too and maybe, just maybe he would call or text him tonight. That was the reason why he'd been sitting in his office the whole evening. Waiting on some sign of life. Brendan growled in annoyance, what was he? Some lovesick girl? He really was pathetic. He got up from his chair and walked to the door, opened it and closed it hard behind him. He needed to get his mind off of things, before he would get completely mad from having to wait to hear something from Steven.

xXx

Brendan opened the door and walked in. He ran his hands over his face, to lose the tiredness he was feeling. He had his first break in three hours and he was tired as hell.

Why did people always drink so much that he had to kick them out? He let himself fall in his chair and looked at the clock. It was just past one.

He stretched his legs, until the phone on his desk caught his eye. He sat up straight immediately and grabbed his phone. Then he hesitated for a moment. He needed a text from Steven, but what if he hadn't sent him one?

He felt his irritation grow again. What was wrong with him?! He could just check his phone. If there was no text, he would just go straight back to work and if there was… well.

He turned his phone in his palm and looked at the display. He felt relieve spreading through him, when he saw he had two new messages and he smiled lightly when he opened one of them. Steven seemed just as impatient as Brendan had felt all night.

_So I promised myself not to text you till tomorrow. But it seems like I can't wait that long. _

He looked at the time the text was sent. Unbelievable, it was sent only seven minutes after he left his phone in the office! Mitzeee and her stupid ideas! He opened the second text.

_So I know you're working and all that and you probably won't read this, but in case you do, you want me to come over?_

Brendan felt a warmth spreading through his body. And if he wanted that. But then he remembered he promised Steven to take it slow and he knew that if Steven would come over, he wouldn't be able to keep his promise, not even for a day. So he sent the one thing back he could think of.

_Nope_

He wondered if Steven would answer, it was already past one, so Steven would probably be in bed right now, considering his last text was sent more than two hours ago, but his phone bleeped the second after he thought that.

_Why not? Got another bloke already?_

Brendan smiled lightly, not sure if it was a joke or if Steven was serious. He replied quickly.

_I'll never do that Steven. I hope you know that. _

Brendan opened a map that lay on his desk and started reading. His phone bleeped when he had only read the first two sentences.

_So I can come over then._

He hesitated for a moment. Why did he have to make that promise? Steven didn't seem to care if he kept it or not. He sighed and texted:

_Steven, I'm working_

He regretted his text the moment he sent it. He hated taking things slow. It was freaking annoying and his body was tense, of the knowledge that he wasn't be able to touch Steven, the way he wanted to, until Steven said he wanted him to.

He took a pen from his desk in his left hand and started to write things down on the paper in the map he just had been reading in. He grabbed his phone the moment it started bleeping.

_So? Since when did that stop you from seducing me?_

Brendan pulled up a corner of his mouth and texted back.

_I never seduced you_

He tried to concentrate on his work again, until he received a new text.

_O, no? Remember that time in the cellar? You were definitely seducing me then. _

He had to admit that, that was true.

Brendan looked at the clock, it was over half two. If he had been free right now, he would be sleeping. Although he had been sleeping this afternoon, so he wasn't really tired, but Steven should be. He couldn't ask him to come over.

_It's late. Stay home._

He put his phone down and wrote something down. Before he could put his signature on the paper, his phone bleeped again.

_I can't sleep._

Yeah, right. Like he'd tried.

_As if you tried. _

Steven's reply came quickly.

_How do you know? You're not even here_

Something told Brendan, Steven hadn't been trying, but he was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

_Then try harder._

Brendan closed the map and put it back on his desk. He stood up and walked towards the case and opened it, to take out the map with the orders. He walked back to the desk and sat down. He started working. Some time passed by before he got a new text from Steven.

_Nope. Doesn't work. Can I come now?_

Brendan smirked. Maybe he had tried for real, but that didn't mean he could come by now. He needed his sleep, it was almost ten for two now.

_No, go to sleep._

He could hear Steven sigh all the way over here.

_Okay. Hope you have a good night._

Brendan hesitated for a moment, wondering if he should send him something in return. Then he made a decision and he sent his last text for that night.

_Sleep tight_

xXx

Brendan cleaned some glasses, put them back on the bar and looked at his watch. Just twenty minutes had passed since he sent his last text to Steven. The time was going too slow and he really hated working right now. He just wanted to go to Steven, have sex with him all night and then fall asleep with his arms wrapped around the boy. Who would've told him just yesterday, that he would think things like that, that he would be able to actually do things like that, he would've laughed at right in the face. But not anymore, not after Steven came by to see him, not after he got Steven back.

He leant against the bar, so he could hear the order of the young man in front of him. He hated bachelor parties, especially when they held the party in his club. Brendan turned around to grab a bottle of vodka and a bottle of whiskey, when he heard someone speak.

"Hiya."

Brendan turned around to look at the face which belonged to that all familiar voice.

"Steven, what are you doing here? I thought I told you to go to bed," Brendan shouted above the music.

Steven leant against the bar and looked very pleased with himself. He was wearing his coat over a white T- shirt and Brendan could just see the waistband of something that looked suspiciously like pajama pants.

"You're not my boss. You can't order me around no more. And I was in bed by the way, but then I remembered I forgot something."

Brendan walked towards him, in the meantime putting the bottles in Ash's hands, so she could pour in the drinks. When he was by Steven, he let his under arms rest on the bar and leant against it too.

"O, yeah and what's that?"

"This." Steven leant forwards and gave Brendan a quick kiss on his mouth.

Brendan pulled away in surprise and he saw Steven turn slightly red.

"I'm sorry," he heard Steven whisper, biting his lower lip without looking at him.

"Steven, look-"

Steven looked up and met his eyes. "It's just…"

Brendan sighed and walked around the bar. Steven followed his movements and looked up when he stopped in front of him.

Brendan cupped Steven's face between his hands and kissed him softly on the lips. He pulled away, sighed and said in a low voice, "I need to get used to this, okay? Just… just give me some time."

Steven met his eyes and nodded.

Brendan withdrew his hands and looked around, no one was paying any attention to them.

"So what are you doing here, then?" Brendan asked for the second time, in the meantime walking to his office.

He heard Steven chuckle, while he followed Brendan on his way to the office and he said, "I remembered I didn't give you a goodnight kiss."

Brendan opened the door to his office and closed it again, leaving Steven and him alone in the small room.

He heard Steven lock the door, but he did nothing to stop him.

Brendan moved closer towards Steven and looked the boy in the eye. "Is that so?"

Steven nodded with a smirk on his face.

"So that kiss wasn't quite what you planned then, was it?"

Now Steven cupped Brendan's face between his hands and took a step closer so that their bodies touched.

"It's okay," Steven whispered against his lips. "You can make up for it now." He smiled lightly, before he brought their lips together.

The kiss was meant to be sweet and comforting, but passion took over by the first touch of lips. Brendan let his hand go through Stevens's hair while he pushed Steven's body hard against the door. Brendan heard Steven groan and he knew the boy enjoyed this as much as he did. He bate softly in Steven's under lip and Steven opened his mouth so Brendan could let his tongue touch Steven's. Steven unbuttoned his shirt and Brendan couldn't help but groan when Steven let his cold hand slide slowly across his bare chest to let it come to rest on the man's heart. Brendan deepened the kiss, claiming the boy's mouth with an impatience he had been experiencing the whole evening. They both felt the same overwhelming need and neither had the strength to resist it. When Brendan finally broke of the kiss, they were both seeking for air.

Brendan let his fingers touch Steven's cheekbone. The boy leant into the touch and looked up with a burning fire in his eyes.

Brendan cleared his throat and growled: "Go home, Steven. I'm still working and you've gotten way more than you came for."

"You're gonna let me go like this?" Brendan heard the disbelieve in Steven's voice. It almost made Brendan laugh.

"I made a promise, remember?" he tried to keep the amusement out of his voice.

"I didn't think you were actually going to keep that promise." Steven sounded disappointed and still a little disbelieving.

"I always keep my promises."

Ste looked darkly at him and heaved a great sigh, sounding like a spoiled child in a candy store that was refused a treat. It made Brendan laugh.

"Don't laugh at me Brendan. I should never have let you make that promise."

"Eager, are we," Brendan said with amusement in his voice.

"Don't tell me, you don't want it too. I know you do."

"Ooh, I do Steven. I do," he looked down at Steven, while he pushed him softly back against the door. "But you're going to beg for it."

Brendan's hands were already unbuttoning Steven's coat. It fell on the ground and Brendan whispered softly, "You better start begging now."

He saw Steven smile and shake his head.

"No?" He let his hand slide down. "Not even when I do this?" He touched Steven private parts and heard Steven gasp for air. "Or this?" He moved with his thumb over the fabric of Steven's pants.

Steven closed his eyes and mumbled, "Brendan, please." He grabbed Brendan's shirt with his hand.

"Please, what?" Brendan growled with a husky voice, taking Steven's groin in a firm grip, which made Steven moan.

Steven looked at him through half closed eyes and mumbled breathlessly, "Please, don't stop."

He moved his hand firmly over Steven's groin and Steven threw his head back and arched his hips into the touch.

"Don't stop doing what, exactly, Steven?" Brendan growled, feeling the tension in his own pants.

Steven's breathing came quickly now and he panted, "Don't… stop touching me, Brendan… Please."

Brendan smirked, before he kissed Steven passionately on the mouth, still not moving his hand. Steven moaned and pulled him closer. He moved his hands through Brendan's hair. Brendan's other hand moved under Steven's T-shirt, but before he could move it up, Steven had already pulled it over his head. He threw it on the ground. Brendan looked down at him and grumbled, "This is not taking it slow, Steven."

"Shut up," Steven groaned and pulled him back in. Brendan growled and deepened the kiss, pulling Steven closer to his own body. Steven pulled at Brendan's shirt and Brendan let go off Steven's groin and removed his shirt hurriedly without taking his mouth off of Steven's. In the meanwhile Steven put out his shoes and then let his hands run through Brendan's chest hair. Brendan moved in closer, aching for the boy's touch. He moved his hands over Steven's body, his hair, his arms his chest, his ass. Brendan let his hand slip inside Steven's pajama pants and Steven moaned softly in his mouth. "You like this, hmm?" he mumbled against Steven's lips. Steven gasped, when Brendan started to stroke him: "Yes," Steven breathed, "Yes, don't stop, Brendan, don't… stop." Brendan pulled Steven's pajama pants down, together with his boxer. He kissed Steven firmly on the mouth and Steven kissed him back hungrily, in the meantime removing his pants and boxer, so he was completely naked. Steven pressed his naked body against Brendan's and Brendan growled softly. Steven wanted him, he could feel the pressure against his hip. Not that he was in a better state. Steven let his hands wander down and Brendan panted, when he came close to his private parts. He let his lips rest in Steven's neck, kissing him all the way from his collarbone, to his ear. In the meantime Steven unbuttoned and unzipped Brendan's pants and then touched him exactly where Brendan wanted Steven to touch him. Brendan arched into the touch and growled. He felt Steven's breath by his ear and Steven mumbled, "I need you, Brendan. I need to feel you in me." Brendan gasped by his words, but he moved his lips towards Steven's mouth and kissed him long and deep. Then he removed his shoes and the rest of his clothes in seconds and pushed Steven back against the door. Their bare bodies touched and this increased the fire even more.

"You want this?" Brendan asked breathlessly.

"Yes," Steven replied in a hoarse voice.

All Brendan could do was growl against Steven's soft skin.

Steven smiled lightly and pulled him back in, touching him everywhere he could. Brendan lifted Steven's body up against the door, kissing him eagerly, seducing him with his tongue. Steven wrapped his legs around Brendan's waist and kissed him deep and full passion. Their bodies melted together.

xXx

Brendan buttoned up his shirt, while looking at Steven, whom was putting his pajama pants back on. There lay a deep blush on Steven's cheeks, which made him look very adorable. It made Brendan want him all over again. Brendan zipped up his pants and walked towards Steven, putting his arms around his waist from behind. He let his chin rest on his shoulder and inhaled his scent. "Hmm," Steven mumbled content, letting his body rest against Brendan's.

"Satisfied?" Brendan muttered against Steven's skin.

He saw a corner of Steven's mouth turning up, what implicated he was smiling. "More than," he mumbled back. He covered Brendan's hand with his own. "Wish I could take you home."

Brendan sighed and mumbled: "I know," before he withdrew himself and took Steven's coat of the floor, while Steven put his T-shirt on. Steven turned around and took the coat from him. "Wish we could go for round three," he said with twinkles is his eyes.

"So not satisfied then," Brendan concluded mockingly.

Steven put his hands around Brendan's neck and said with twinkles in his eyes: "I think I can never get enough of you."

Brendan smiled lightly, his hands wrapped around Steven's waist and he said: "Good."

He kissed Steven's red and swollen lips, before he moved away and said: "You need to get home for some sleep and I-" he kissed Steven again. "Need to close the club. It's almost four now and you need your rest."

Steven smirked and said: "I thought I would never see the day, you caring about me having a good night sleep."

"Cheeky, are we?" he moved his head closer. "But who said I was worried about you? I need you in good shape boy."

Steven's grin became wider, he let Brendan kiss him again, but turned around a moment later to walk to the door, followed by Brendan. He opened the door with the key and walked into the club, which was empty. Steven turned around and looked up to Brendan. "See you tonight then?"

"Too right you will," Brendan replied in a low voice.

Steven smiled, while walking backwards, with a big grin on his face. He moved his hand to his ear and mimed, call me, with his mouth, before he reached the stairs and walked down, still with a big smile on his face.

Brendan shook his head and walked towards the bar, feeling stupidly happy.

Ash was in the middle of the room, picking up glasses. She looked slightly irritated.

He walked over to her. "Everything alright?"

Brendan saw her clenching her teeth. "Fine."

"What's wrong?" Brendan asked, cutting to the chase.

This question really seemed to awaken her anger. Ash nearly screamed: "You left me alone working behind the bar for hours! Hours. Yes, Mitzeee was here, but she's barely any use, is she? I know you and Ste are back together, but you could have helped me. Do you have any idea how hard I had to work cause you couldn't keep your hands of your _boyfriend."_

She fell silent, eyes fierce and with a persistent expression on her face, ready for his rage. Brendan waited for the all too familiar anger that would ignite in his chest whenever someone would provoke him like that, but this time he felt nothing more than small satisfaction at her reminder of how he'd spent the last few hours. Certainly not his normal reaction, but today was far from normal anyway. There was absolutely nothing that could break his mood. It was a far too good day for that. But her words made him wonder one thing. How the hell was it possible that everyone knew about him and Steven? They weren't back together for even one day and already everyone seemed to know.

"Who told you?"

"Told me what? Ash asked confused, forgetting her anger.

"About me and Steven. Who told you?" Brendan spoke slowly as if speaking to a child.

She looked at him like he had gone mad, but she mumbled: "Well, it was pretty obvious when you two were _talking _at the bar."

Brendan cocked up an eyebrow. Right, he forgot that he'd kissed Steven in front of everyone.

"So I asked Mitzeee and she confirmed that you two are _involved _again," she said, answering his earlier question.

Brendan cursed under his breath. Women. A few hours ago only Cheryl and Lynsey had known and now the whole village seemed to know. Seriously, did they really have nothing better to do then talk about his love life? Not that he really cared about them knowing, but it was his business… correction his and Steven's business. No one else's.

Brendan sighed: "Well I guess it's time to close up and go home."

Ash nodded. Brendan wanted to turn around to get the keys out of his office, but Ash words stopped him.

"Brendan? I nearly forgot, but someone came by earlier to give you this. I asked him if he wanted to give it to you in person, but he told me to…"

For a moment the world stopped turning. He could see the movement of Ash's mouth, but his brain wasn't able to process her words. It felt like the air was slammed out of his lungs and a hand seemed to squeeze his heart together. All he could see was the thing in her hand.

A letter.

Brendan blinked and the world came back to life. Brendan moved away from the bar and took a few quick steps towards Ash, towering over her. The sudden movement and close presence seemed to scare Ash but she held her ground, not moving an inch. Somewhere in the back of his mind Brendan admired her for that, but the fog of rage in his head was too thick, not leaving room for any other emotion.

Brendan hissed: "Who gave it to you?"

"I…," Ash stammered.

"I what? Speak!"

"I don't know. I didn't get a good look at him. He was wearing a hoody and I didn't think… I didn't think it mattered."

Brendan's eyes were cold, his voice cut through Ash like a knife. "You didn't think it mattered."

'Well he wouldn't be the first guy too deliver some kind of dodgy package for you. How could I have known-"

In one second Brendan was on to her. So close they were practically nose to nose. Ash winched and stumbled backwards until she hit the wall. Brendan followed every step she took. "You don't understand, do you?! I always inform you when someone will have a delivery for me. _Always. _You are worthless to me," he hissed at her, with a dark expression on his face, rage visible in the deep pools of his eyes.

Ash's eyes shone wet and she blinked, firm and rapid, to clear away the tears she clearly had no desire to shed. "I'm sorry."

Brendan suddenly started to laugh, very loudly. But there was no happiness in it, it was hard and empty. But just as suddenly as it started, it stopped. He looked at her for a long time, eyes wandered over her face, no expression visible. Then he said in a low voice: "Just go."

Ash swallowed and held the letter out so he could take it from her. When Brendan didn't make a move to take it, she walked over to the bar and put it down there. Ash walked over to the door, but paused for a moment. "I was just trying to help."

Brendan stood deadly quiet. He didn't look at Ash and his voice was as silent as a whisper: "I told you to go."

He heard some movements and then the soft closing of a door.

He was alone.

Brendan grimaced and glared at the letter.

For some reason he had to think back at the time Steven wrote him a letter, saying it was over. For good. He'd written Steven a letter in return, saying it was okay. It hadn't been. Of course not. Steven just needed to think that it was okay. The boy needed to think that he was finally over him, right now Brendan didn't think he ever could be. No matter what happened. All those months without Steven had made him realize how much he needed him and how much he missed him when he wasn't around. He'd learned how empty his life was without Steven, especially those weeks in Barcelona. But now everything had changed and no one would take that away from him. Certainly not some stupid person writing freaking letters!

Brendan made his way to the bar and took the letter in his hands. This time the writer had bothered to put it inside an envelope unlike the last two times.

_I know _

He opened the envelope and took the letter out.

_I know what you did. _

He folded the letter open. This time it was more than just one sentence.

_We are so much alike Brendan. You and me. We really are. You destroyed a life. Now I will destroy a life, well maybe more than one, we'll see. But then again so did you._

_If only you knew who you're dealing with. But I promise you will find out, eventually. Once we're a little further in our little game. But for now I shall tell you one thing. I already did something. Something… bad. And believe me if you knew what it was you would probably thank me for it. But I won't ruin the fun by telling you what it is that I did. No, you've got to figure it out yourself. And maybe, just maybe you will find a little clue about who I am along the way. You can see it like a reward for all your hard work. Anyway, to show you I'm not the complete, heartless monster that you think I am, I shall give you a small hint. Now all you need to do is solve the mystery for me. _

_I told you it was fun. _

Brendan closed his eyes, counting to ten. It meant nothing. It was just a stupid letter. It was all just big talk. Whoever was writing this was just trying to scare him. This person was even too scared to let him know who he was. Everything was alright, there was no need to panic. Brendan forced himself to think of good things, to think of Steven and slowly the panic faded. Brendan reopened his eyes and looked at the letter again. He reread it. The writer was talking about a hint, but he didn't see any kind of hint on it. Brendan looked around and saw the envelop lying on the bar. It was too thick to be empty. There was something else in it. Brendan grabbed the envelop and took it out. It was a photo. A photo of an open area, surrounded by a lot of trees. Maybe a park of some kind. Or a forest. It was strangely familiar although Brendan couldn't remember that he'd ever been there. That he'd ever seen it before. Brendan turned the picture around, against all odds hoping that there would be some kind of hint of where the photo was taken on the back. To his surprise there was something written on the back. A date. _13-09-1991_.

13-09-1991

Brendan took in a sharp, panicked breath. That date. _13-09-1991_. A day he wanted to forget more than anything in this world.

_It was almost impossible to breathe. There was smoke everywhere. It stung in his eyes, making them painful and red, but maybe it was also because of the unshed tears. Tears that would stay unshed. He'd promised he would never cry again. Only weak people cried, he had been told many, many times and he wasn't weak. He was not weak. He felt like shouting it out loud, but he couldn't, not because of the smoke, although it was too thick to shout, but because Brendan knew that it wasn't true. He was weak. He'd fucked up everything and now he would pay. Now he would die. _

Brendan took a step backwards, stumbling against the bar. He tried to block out the memory, but it was like trying to live without air, impossible.

_His lungs were filled with smoke. There was an itch at the back of his throat and he couched, giving the smoke an easy way in. He knew it was only a matter of time now before he would die. The flames could reach him any second or perhaps he would die due to a lack of oxygen before the flames even reached him. It didn't matter. Everything would be over soon. Once the flames had taken possession of his body, everything would fade away, no more pain, no more guilt. No nothing._

His hands were shaking and the picture fell out of his hands, hitting the ground. The numbers were staring back at him from the floor, mocking him.

_Brendan could hear some shouting in the distance, the sound of his name. But they were too late. The darkness was already taking possession of him. Brendan smiled lightly, it was finally over. There would be no tomorrow and that was a relieve. Again he heard the shouting of his name and suddenly his body was lifted off the ground, like he was weighing nothing at all. Someone carried him out of the room, holding him tight. No, no! They couldn't safe him. He was worthless. He was nothing. He needed to die. Brendan screamed and fought, but it was no use. He was too weak. He'd taken in too much smoke. He was carried outside, into the fresh air. The bloke holding him spoke to some other man, saying that he'd had been just in time to save him. Saying he should be glad to still be alive, he was saved. Brendan cried in silence, letting go of the tears he'd been trying to hold back. Why couldn't they see that he didn't deserve saving? _

Brendan had trouble breathing, for a moment it felt like he was still there. In that house, on that terrible day 22 years ago. It was black before his eyes and Brendan moved his hands over his face, trying to control the panic. When he pulled his hands back, he felt the wetness on his fingers. His fingers were wet from his own shed tears.

_**To be continued… **_


	25. Chapter 25

**I just keep apologizing. It really has been ages…**

**Chapter 25**

_He lies curled up on his bed, with his back turned towards the door. The sound of creaking stairs. The footsteps soft, but at the same time deafening. He squeezes his eyes together. The soft opening of the door. Footsteps moving towards the bed. He cringes, a hand on his shoulder. The hand glides upwards, stroking his hair. In his mind he pictures that it is the touch of his mother. Her hands tossing his hair. Her smile lighting up the room. Her eyes reminding him of the bluest seas. Her soft voice whispering his name._

_But it is not her voice. _

Brendan rolled out of bed, landing on his hands and knees. His breathing raspy and accelerated. He opened his eyes and took a deep breath, realising he was in his own room. A dream. Just a dream. He unravelled the sheets, which were tangled around his sweaty body and sat down on the edge of his bed.

Every muscle of his body was tensed now the memories were flowing freely through his mind. His room, which normally gave him a calm feeling, suddenly felt cold, too impersonal. The white walls seemed to mock him. The suits which were visible in his open closet; a sad attempt to be something he would never be. Brendan's eyes fell on the mirror against the wall. What he saw was not the grown-up man he was, but his ten year old self. A child who hadn't learned to hide his emotions yet. A child, who still held onto the hope that everything would get better one day. He knew better now. Brendan looked away from the mirror. He had a nasty taste in his mouth and he suddenly had the tendency to throw up.

He closed his eyes and waited till his wild beating heart had calmed down, until the panic had left his body, then he opened his eyes again. It had been months since he last had had a nightmare. But after yesterday all the well buried memories had come free. Memories he would rather forget, but which would always stay with him.

Brendan's eyes fell on the picture, which lay on his bedside table. He picked it up and studied it once again. He had spent half the night looking at the picture, trying to find out where the hell it had been taken. Where he recognised it from. But nothing! Nothing. He didn't know. It was the only hint he got and he had no idea what to do with it.

It was a picture of a park or a forest. But where? As far as he knew it could be on the other side of the world. What was he supposed to do with it? And then the date on the back…

Brendan sighed weary and stood up. Staying here wouldn't help him either.

xXx

Ste whistled a song, while he smeared his bread. When he felt Lucas little arms around his leg, he turned around and picked him up. He spun him around until Lucas crowed with laughter.

"Someone is in a good mood." he heard Amy say, when she appeared from the living room into the kitchen.

Ste put Lucas on his feet and pushed him gently in the direction of the living room, "Go start building that castle, okay. Daddy will come and help you in a minute."

Lucas nodded his blond head and hobbled to the living room. Ste smiled and looked up to Amy. He saw a strange look appear upon her face and he walked past her, to do the dishes. Amy turned around and sat beside him on the counter, "So who brought you in such a good mood this morning?"

Ste gave her an all saying look and Amy seemed to understand, because her face became resistant and she said: "Aah, Brendan."

Ste just smiled while he looked at her quickly, without saying a word, continuing his work.

"So what did you two do then?"

Ste's smile only turned wider and Amy yelped:

"Ste! Already?!

He shrugged his shoulders and looked at her, "So? I wanted to and he wanted to. You don't have to sound so shocked. You knew that it would only be a matter of time."

"Yeah?! But I didn't think you would do it this soon! It's only been one day since you got together. "

Ste suppressed a smile and said: "Well, you asked."

Amy put her hair behind her ear and said: "I know. And I thought I could handle hearing you talk about him in that way. But I don't believe I can."

"I know Ames. Don't worry about it. I won't talk about it, as long as you don't ask questions about him, only because you feel obliged to do so, okay?"

"But-," Amy started.

"I really don't mind. Maybe we can talk about him someday. When you have seen that he changed. He really has this time."

Amy looked at him as if she didn't quite believe him, but Ste just smiled at her, while he finished the dishes.

"I'm gonna build a castle with Lucas now, but maybe we could go to the park later?" he suggested.

Amy let herself glide from the counter, meanwhile saying: "Sure, but I have to go to the dentist with the children late in the afternoon. I know you don't to go there," she smiled at him and continued: "So maybe you can find something else to do."

She gave him an all- knowing look, before she grabbed a dry cloth and started drying up the dishes.

Ste smiled, but said nothing. He just walked to the living room, already knowing with whom he was going to spend his afternoon.

Xxx

Ste walked in a fast pace. He was on his way to see Brendan, eager to see him after last night. Well now he was thinking about it, he always was eager to see Brendan, even when they hadn't been together. But now they were and maybe they could do something together, like a date. He wouldn't call it that. He didn't want to scare Brendan off, but in his mind he would call it that.

Ste wanted to climb the stairs that led to Brendan's apartment, when he saw Doug walking in his direction. At the same moment Doug noticed him too, cause he stopped walking for a moment, before he started walking again, just a little slower than before. Ste didn't move at all. Awfully aware that he had wanted to visit Brendan, his new lover, when he'd ended his relationship with Doug only days ago.

Ste swallowed uncomfortable, maybe it was stupid, but he had wanted to avoid Doug, just so he could get his head around how to tell Doug that he was with Brendan now.

Ste started walking again, slowly in the direction Doug was coming from. Maybe he could just pass him, without a conversation. Their paths crossed just before the deli.

"Hey," Doug said silently.

"Hiya," Ste replied, trying to lose the shame he was feeling. He started to walk past Doug, feeling unbelievable guilty for being so rude, but he couldn't talk to Doug, not now.

But apparently Doug had other ideas, because he called his name and Ste was obliged to turn around.

"Yeah?" Ste mumbled.

Doug looked at him for a minute and then down to the ground again. Then he led his eyes rest somewhere above Ste's face.

"I know we haven't talked since… But I think we do…you know… need to talk," Doug stammered. Ste felt surprised and uncomfortable at the same time. He didn't want to talk about their break-up, there was nothing left to say. Apparently Doug read that on his face, because he turned slightly red and added quickly: "about the Deli."

"Right," Ste replied, acting like he knew all along Doug wanted to talk about that. Then he suddenly said, without thinking, "I'm not selling it."

Doug looked confused for a moment, but then he said: "No, no. I don't want to sell it either. I just... Maybe it's a good idea if we stopped working together for a while. You know, so we can learn how to deal with... this."

"Yeah. Right," was the only thing Ste was able to say. He was too astonished to say anything else. He hadn't been thinking about their working relationship at all.

"So I thought that maybe you could work the Monday, Wednesday and Friday and then I will take the other three days."

"Right," Ste mumbled, feeling more uncomfortable every minute. Doug really had thought this through.

"I'll work with Leanne then and maybe we can find someone else to help you," Doug suggested tentatively.

"Yeah, sure. No problem."

There fell an awkward silence between them, while they tried not to make eye contact and Ste cleared his throat uncomfortable.

"So how are you doing?" he asked, his voice sounding high and strange.

Doug shrugged his shoulders and said: "How do you think I've been, Ste?"

Ste was just thinking about a suitable answer when he heard familiar footsteps behind him. His skin crawled when he realized who it was. The footsteps held still beside him and he felt a hand on his shoulder, which sent a tingling sensation through his whole body.

He looked up to Brendan.

Brendan looked tense and not very comfortable. His eyes were focused on Doug and Doug didn't look that pleased to see him either. Ste couldn't really blame them for that.

"Steven, can I have a word? In the club, now," Brendan spoke, his eyes not leaving Doug's face.

Ste opened his mouth to give his consent, but then Doug snarled: "You can't just intervene in a conversation, we are talking here."

Brendan moved his gaze to Ste, his jaw was clenched and he still had the same harsh look in his eyes. He said in a low voice, like Ste should watch out what he was going to say next,

"It wasn't that interesting, now was it?"

Ste narrowed his eyes. What was wrong with Brendan? He seemed agitated, angry, hurt even. The hand on his shoulder clenched into the fabric of his T-shirt. Brendan had let his gaze wander off to Doug again. If only looks could kill.

Ste sighed: "It's okay, Brendan. We were just talking, that's it. I'll go with you."

Brendan seemed to relax a bit, his hand loosened his grip on his shoulder. "Okay," was the only thing Brendan said.

Ste turned back to Doug, whom was looking from Ste to Brendan and back with a sharp look on his face. Ste felt caught and his cheeks turned slightly red. Brendan seemed to understand it too, because his hand fell off Ste's shoulder.

Doug's eyes were wide open and he sneered: "It's been three days since we… and you two…Already?!"

Ste had the feeling his face was on fire. This was what he'd wanted to avoid. He'd wanted to tell Doug in a calm quiet place. Not in the middle of the street, where everyone could hear it and certainly not with Brendan Brady right next to him.

He felt the guilt spreading through his body when he looked in Doug's hurt and betrayed face. Doug said harshly: "You're not wasting any time, are you Ste?"

Ste swallowed and said softly: "Doug I-"

"Don't dare to apologize to that yank."

"Brendan!"

"O, yeah right, Brendan. You thought that, because he had left me, you could just wriggle yourself back into his life again, eh. And, have you already been beating him up?"

Ste felt Brendan tense up beside him. He clenched his fists and said in a dark and low voice, "Watch your mouth, Douglas."

Ste was torn. He wanted to yell at Brendan for saying all these things to Doug, but at the same time he felt the strange need to protect Brendan from Doug, although Brendan hardly needed protection from anyone.

"So now you're gonna beat me up too. That's really classy Brendan."

Brendan moved at the same moment Ste made his decision and he blocked Brendan's way to grab him. "Don't."

Brendan was strong and it took all of Ste's powers to stand his ground. Brendan's eyes were dark and cold, every emotion had left them.

"Let go of me, Steven."

"No! He's not worth it."

Brendan stopped struggling, but his cold eyes were still focused on Doug. Ste turned his head towards Doug and said: "I don't need you telling me what's best for me. And don't take it out on Brendan that we broke up."

"Don't take it out on h-?! Ste, he is the reason that we broke up! Because you couldn't let him go!" Doug cried, raising his voice.

Ste swallowed, knowing he was going to hurt Doug even more with the things he was going to say now, but still he replied: "You're right. I couldn't let him go and I never will."

Ste felt the guilt arise again, but he didn't move or say anything to make the pain and hurt on Doug's face go away. Then he heard Brendan's dark voice,

"And do you know what that makes you, Douglas?" Brendan paused for a moment, giving his next word a bigger impact, "Second best." Ste's hands gripped Brendan's shirt tighter and he gave him a warning look.

Doug looked shocked for a moment, opened his mouth, but closed it again. Then he seemed to awake again and moved his eyes to Ste. He said in a sarcastic tone, "I hope you're gonna be very happy with him, Ste." Then he turned around and walked away.

Ste looked up at Brendan and let him go. He clenched his fists and his jaw tightened.

"What was that for?" he snarled at Brendan.

"He had it coming."

"What?! No! You h-,"

Brendan's hand reached out and grabbed Ste's wrist in a tight grip. Then he started walking, dragging Ste with him, without saying a word.

"Brendan, what do you think you're doing?! Let go!" Ste tried to release himself out of Brendan's grip, but he failed. Brendan didn't even seem to hear him, he just kept on walking towards the doors of Chez Chez.

"Brendan, I swear if you don't let go right now, you will live to regret it." but his words had no effect, it only made Brendan's hand tighten around his wrist. They reached the doors and Brendan opened one. He walked inside and dragged a struggling Ste with him.

The door fell close behind them.

xXx

It was quiet in the club. There was only the sound of Brendan's shoes moving over the floor. Ste rubbed over his painful wrist, the imprint of Brendan's fingers clearly visible on his skin.

"You're gonna tell me what's problem?"

Brendan made a light sniffing sound. "Nothing."

"Nothing? Then why did you drag me all the way up here, eh?"

Ste waited for an answer that didn't come. Even now, now the anger was pulsing through his body, he couldn't stop himself from looking at Brendan's body approvingly. His jawline was sharply defined, as was the rest of his bone structure. His body was lean, looking perfect in his crisp black suit which emphasized his arm muscles, especially now while he was walking. Ste clenched his teeth in irritation, reminding himself that he was supposed to be mad at Brendan, not lusting after him. "You're acting ridiculous," Ste said, wondering who he referred to; Brendan or himself.

The sound of footsteps stopped and Brendan's dark eyes were pointed at Ste's face. "Don't say that, or I-."

"Or you what? I'm not scared of you, you know."

Brendan made a low growling sound at the back of his throat.

"Look Brendan there's no reason to be jealous at Doug. He-"

Suddenly Brendan blew out a laugh that held anything but amusement, instead it was tight and angry, and when he looked at Ste, he rolled his eyes, like Brendan couldn't believe that Ste was really saying that. "God, this is exactly like you," he snarled, "Always thinking that everything is about you. If you wanna talk to that yank then you talk to him. I honestly don't care."

He could have been home right now, sitting on the bank with Doug, watching a movie just like they did every weekend. Instead he was here. Trying to break through to Brendan. _Again._ Was this how he was going to spend the rest of his life? Fighting, making up, fighting again. Was this how it was going to be? Would he care? This was what he choose. Brendan. He couldn't imagine ever regretting it.

Brendan had started walking in the same pace again. When he turned around Ste was there, his hands finding their way to Brendan's shoulders.

"Just tell me what's going on. Don't even try to convince me that something isn't bothering you. I know you. You've always been bad hiding it when you're worried about something or someone."

Brendan relaxed visible under Ste's touch and leaned a little closer towards him. "It's just stupid."

"Brendan," Ste whispered, soft but steady, "Tell me."

Ste could see a silent war raging behind Brendan's eyes, but he seemed to make a decision cause he said: "I had a dream."

Ste couldn't keep the confusion from his face and repeated: "A dream?"

"Yeah," Brendan sighed and glanced away from Ste's probing gaze.

Ste tentatively put his fingers under Brendan's chin and lifted his head so he could look Brendan in the eye. "Tell me what you dreamed about."

"He…," Brendan had to clear his throat before he could continue. "He came into my room. He wanted to- And I just… I wanted to wake up, but I couldn't … and then he did… At first I thought it was my mom, but no- him… it was him," Brendan muttered, more to himself than to Ste, whom could hear an edge of desperation in his voice. "But it was only a dream. Just a dream."

Brendan's eyes where still on Ste's face, but it felt like he didn't see him anymore. It was like he was somewhere else. Like he was reliving the past. A past he didn't want to relive.

All Ste could think was that he needed to say something to bring Brendan back. "I dream about him too, you know," Ste blurted out, saying the first thing that crossed his mind.

Maybe not the best thing he could've said, but it worked cause Brendan blinked and slide his gaze back to Ste's. "What?"

"I dream about it too. Not about your dad," Ste clarified. "About Terry. Not often. Not anymore, but sometimes I dream about what he did to me. The beatings. Mostly when I have a bad day or when I did something stupid. When I was younger I used to dream about it every night, but now only on occasion. He is that thought in the back of my mind that sometimes reminds me what a failure I am." Ste shrugged and started a half- hearted attempt to smile. "All I'm saying is that I understand. "

Brendan's eyes became a touch darker. Ste sighed. Alright definitely the wrong thing to say, but it was the first thing that came to mind and he had to say something.

"You're no failure."

This time it was Ste's turn to blink in confusion. "What?"

Brendan grimaced and said: "What you said about him reminding you that you're a failure. You're not. Don't ever let anyone think that you are, cause you're not."

This time it wasn't hard for Ste to smile sincere.

"Sit down."

Brendan arched an eyebrow at Ste's command.

"Sit down," Ste repeated, pointing at the couch.

"Why?" Brendan grunted, though he did as he was told and sat down.

"You need a drink."

Ste moved behind the bar and started to collect two glasses and a bottle of whiskey.

"Drinking during the day, what will people think?"

Brendan's words made Ste laugh. "You drink during the day all the time. Don't start having a conscience now."

"Well someone needs to think about your health."

"Right, and who's gonna think about yours?"

"I'm the mustached Irish man who owns a night club. Drinking during the day is almost part of my job. It's what's expected."

"Oh? And since when do you do what people expect you to do?"

"I just go with any excuse to drink, don't I?"

Ste chuckled: "I guess you do."

Ste put the glasses on the table and filled them with whiskey, in the meantime looking at Brendan. During Ste's teasing the dark edge that seemed to surround Brendan had faded, but at the moment the silence dawned on them, it immediately returned. Ste could almost see the dark thoughts returning in Brendan's head and the smile faded slowly from his face. The past few days it hadn't cost him much trouble to banish all of Brendan's negative thoughts. But this time was different. It didn't matter how hard he tried, they just seem to return again. Brendan reacted at what he said and he listened sincerely to him, but it seemed like a part of him was preoccupied with something else entirely, as if something dark had come free in his mind, which constantly demanded a part of his mind. As if it was a part of him that he didn't want to show to the outside world. Not even to Ste.

Brendan never talked about his dad and Ste never had had the courage to ask him or Cheryl about it. Brendan had once told him that his dad used to beat him, but that was it. He'd never talked about him again. And today, out of nowhere he suddenly had told him about a dream he had had. Truth to be told, three days ago they hadn't been together, but still. Why now? Why would he start telling him stuff like that now? What changed?

Ste shoved a glass of whiskey to Brendan and sat down on the couch opposite of him. "Did you hear anything from them?"

Brendan looked up, his eyes finding their way to Ste's face. "From who?"

Ste knew that Brendan knew what he was talking about. Why was he so reticent then? He would almost think that Brendan had been avoiding the subject, that telling him about that dream had been a way to distract him, but he must be paranoid. After their last conversation Brendan wouldn't just keep things from him, would he?

"You know what I'm talking about Bren," Ste stated.

Brendan closed his eyes and took a very deep and slow breath. "I got another letter."

Ste swallowed, suddenly feeling nervous, just for a moment it seemed like there had been a slight tone of fear in Brendan's voice. But that wasn't possible, was it? Brendan wasn't someone who would get scared. Ste shook his head. He had imagined it.

"And? What does it say?"

Brendan growled softly and for a minute he seemed to be torn, before he moved on the couch, so he could take the letter out of his back pocket. After a moment of doubt he stretched his arm, so Ste could take it from him.

Ste took the letter from him and unfolded it. He let his eyes wander over the words and started reading. The further he came in reading the more the panic overwhelmed him. This definitely sounded serious. Who the hell was playing such a sick game with Brendan? And why? This said that Brendan had destroyed a life. Ste didn't foul himself; Brendan was hardly innocent. But this letter made it sound like he'd done something really, really horrible. And this person, whoever it was, was taking revenge because of that thing.

This meant that Brendan was in danger. In serious danger. Ste suddenly had trouble breathing.

"I don't get it. Why? Why would anyone-" his voice sounded strangely high pitched in his ears.

Brendan seemed to hear some of the panic in his voice, because he moved to the edge of the couch and leaned forward. He put his hand on Ste's hand, which lay in a fist on his knee. "Just calm down, okay. There's no reason to freak out."

"I'm not freaking out," Ste snarled half- heartedly, slightly soothed by the touch of Brendan's hand, "I'm just... worried about you."

Brendan's eyes softened almost imperceptibly and he muttered: "Would you stop worrying if I remind you that I can take care of myself?" He made slow circles with his thumb over the back of Ste's hand. It sent a light tingling through Ste's arm.

Ste bit his lip and shook his head. "No." He pulled his hand away and added with a firmer voice: "And stop trying to distract me. This is serious stuff."

Brendan frowned and sighed: "I know it is."

Ste let his eyes wander over the letter again. "It says that you destroyed a life."

Brendan gritted his teeth. "Yeah, I read."

"Maybe they're talking about Danny Houston. Or have you killed anyone else that I don't know of?" Ste made an attempt to laugh at his own joke, but when he saw Brendan's pale face, the laughter caught in his throat.

Brendan's eyes were dark and suddenly he got up from the couch and shoved the glasses away.

_Apparently not the right time for stupid jokes. _

Ste sighed and leaned forwards, to put the letter on the table. "I'm sorry. I just don't know what I'm supposed to say, I-"

He forgot what he was about to say when he felt the warmth of Brendan's hands in his neck. Before he knew what was happening, his knees were dragged upon the table. A light cry escaped his lips and he had to grip the front of Brendan's shirt for support. Brendan looked at him with dark, longing eyes and he smashed their mouths together. Ste gasped and parted his lips to let Brendan in, a sudden all-consuming longing overtaking him and all thoughts of the letter left his mind.

Tongues brushed together and tangled in a dance as Ste's hand fisted in Brendan's shirt as the man's hand clutched the back of his neck. The passion and desire made them both shiver in anticipation though neither moved to fulfil it. Instead they continued to kiss in a most desperate fashion, both becoming drunk off the other's taste and feel.

Eventually it was Brendan who broke of the kiss and Ste gasped for air. "Where was that for?"

Brendan smirked and moved his thumb over Ste's lower lip. "Just because I can and wanted to."

Ste rolled his eyes and suppressed a smile. "You're an idiot."

"Maybe, but I managed to distract you," Brendan stated, with a strange glance in his eyes.

Ste gave Brendan an angry glare, before he pushed himself of the table and sunk back on the couch. At that moment his eyes fell on the glasses which Brendan had pushed aside. Empty. And Ste knew for sure he hadn't touched his. He slid his gaze back to Brendan, who had walked in the direction of the bar. He realized that maybe there was more going on than Brendan was telling him.

xXx

Brendan opened the front door of his house and walked inside.

The whole afternoon Steven had managed to distract him by talking about all kind of nonsenses. He'd talked nonstop, only pausing to take a breath every now and then. But Brendan couldn't say that it bugged him. There was something in Steven's voice that always calmed him down. It was the plain enthusiasm he talked with. He could make every absurd subject sound interesting.

And he'd told Steven about the dream about his dad. It hadn't been his intention to tell Steven anything, but the strange need to share it with Steven had overtaken him. He'd even told him about that letter. Somehow the pressure on his shoulders had decreased and it was a comforting thought that there was someone there who was worrying about him. It was a feeling that was unknown to him, but it wasn't an unpleasant feeling. It had been a good thing he had shared a part of his problems with Steven, for a moment his own worries had decreased a little. But he hadn't told him everything. He couldn't. He didn't want to see the look in Steven's eyes turn into abomination and compassion every time he looked at Brendan. He wouldn't be able to bare that.

Brendan hang his coat at the coat rank and put the lights on.

Now he was on his own again. With Steven gone there was no one to keep the dark thoughts from returning.

Someone was out there to get him. Someone who knew things about his past.

And the fact that this person even knew the slightest thing about his past was a frightening thought. It made Brendan wonder to what extent this person was informed about him and his past. He knew about that date. It meant that he already knew much more than Brendan had ever wanted anyone to know. But that didn't mean that he knew everything. It didn't mean that this person knew Brendan's darkest secret. He couldn't know. There was no way that anybody knew about that. There was only one person left who knew the full extension of what he'd done. One. And this person would never share that with anybody else, not even when his life depended on it. So there was no way that this person knew. He couldn't. Brendan had to believe that he couldn't.

Brendan sat down on a kitchen chair. He took the picture out of his pocket and looked at it again. There had to be something that he'd missed. This person wouldn't just send him a picture which didn't mean anything to Brendan. There had to be something. Brendan ran his eyes over the photo. There had to be something and he would find it.

The door opened and Lynsey walked in. "Evening Bren," she greeted.

Brendan grunted, in a way of greeting her.

"I just got back from Price Slice. I'm gonna make us some lasagne tonight." She walked past him and started to put away her groceries. "On my way back home I walked into this man. And he asked me the weirdest thing, he-"

Brendan stared at the water on the right side of the picture. If you looked close enough you could see a reflection of something. Last night he had noticed it too, but he had thought it was a tree or something, but now in the living daylight, it looked like a part of a wall and the side of a window. It was misty and hard to see, but Brendan was sure he wasn't imagining it. It could be the back of a house. If that was true then this was the picture of garden. A very big garden.

Lynsey snapped her fingers in front of his face and Brendan woke up from his thoughts. "You're not even listening to me," she said in annoyance, "Where are you looking at anyway?"

She leaned over his shoulder to look at the picture and he could smell the light scent of her perfume.

Her eyes widened in surprise when she looked at the picture.

Brendan saw her surprised face and sudden hope overwhelmed him. "Do you recognize it?'

"Yeah…I remember this," Lynsey muttered, while she moved her finger over the picture. "This is the place where we went on vacation once."

Brendan frowned. "I've never been there. I would remember it."

"No, that summer you stayed at home to work. I believe it was in the year that you turned nineteen. Your dad had bought the house as a gift for Cheryl's mum. We went there on vacation once. It was a very hot summer. I believe Seamus and Margret came there one more time later that year. Two months later Seamus sold it." She bit her lips in thought. "Cheryl and I always wondered why he sold it. It was a wonderful house."

"How come I don't know about this place?'

Lynsey grinned and shrugged her shoulders. "I guess you simply didn't care. You were much more interested in making money and getting Eileen to fancy you. Who knew you would one day turn out to be gay all along!"

"Yeah, Yeah. So where is it?"

"Greysteel, Northern Ireland. The house was called 'Ruler of the homeland'. I never forgot that name cause I thought it was such a strange name for a house," she replied, while walking to the kitchen. "There's a photo of me and Chez with that house on the background hanging in her room. That's probably where you recognized it from."

Suddenly she turned around with a curious glance in her eyes. "Where did you get that anyway?" she asked.

Brendan said the first thing his brains came up with. "A friend gave it to me. Said he was thinking about buying it."

Lynsey raised her eyebrows. "Why would he give you a picture of the garden and not the house?"

"I don't know. Wrong picture?" Brendan heard the question in his own voice. Why indeed. Why would anyone send him a picture of a place where his family went on vacation fifteen years ago? And what did it have to do with the date on the back?

Lynsey answered to what he'd said, but Brendan didn't really pay attention. He turned the photo around.

13-09-1991.

It was Saturday today. Saturday 22-09-2012.

That meant that 13-09-2012 was nine days ago.

Why hadn't he thought of that before?

Brendan rose from his chair and walked into his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

He opened his laptop and put it on. Brendan drummed with his fingers on his lap while he waited. After what seemed like an eternity his laptop was loaded. He opened Google and typed:

_Northern Ireland, Greysteel, 13-09-2012_

There were some articles about a local football match that was played that day. He'd nearly scrolled down the whole page, when he saw a few words that caught his attention.

_Old house burned down_

It couldn't be…

Brendan clicked on the link and when his computer had opened the new page the first thing he saw was a picture of a house and a garden at the back. Brendan looked at the photo in his hand and back at the screen. The same garden. Or what was left of it. Only a small part of the right side of the house was still standing. The rest was just ass and smoke.

There was an article underneath and Brendan started to read it.

_13-09-2013-Greysteel. In the night from 13- to 14 September there has been a big fire which burned down the old house. It's unknown how the fire started, but it's suspected to be ignited. Two bodies were found inside the house. The victims are yet to be identified. It took t__he firemen all night to get the flames under control. There are-. _

The article wasn't finished, but Brendan was unable to read on. He pushed the laptop from his lap and thereby he noticed the blood that dripped from his hand. He had pushed the nails from his fingers so hard into his skin that it had started bleeding. Brendan absently wiped it of on the fabric of his trousers, he barely felt the pain.

_I already did something. Something… bad. _

Two people had dead in that house. The same house Brendan was holding a picture of.

Some people would say that this was just stupid coincidence. That it had absolutely nothing to do with each other.

But Brendan didn't believe in coincidence.

**Well there you go! I hope you enjoyed it and please let me know what you think. I promise that I will do my best to update as soon as possible. xXx**


	26. Chapter 26

**First off, I want to thank all of you for your favourites, alerts and reviews. **

**All of your kind words make my day that much better!**

**And to the reviewer who asked; I'm indeed Dutch. This probably explains why there are some many grammar mistakes in this story. I know they are in there, but sometimes I've no idea what I'm writing is correct English or not. I apologize in advance if there are any mistakes in this chapter. **

**Anyway, enjoy reading!**

**Chapter 26**

_He heard the shouting and laughing of the children. _

_But Brendan wasn't playing with them. No. He was all alone sitting on the swings at the edge of the playground. Like always. Nobody ever asked him to play along. The other children avoided him. He was that kid in class that barely ever spoke. That kid that always wore shirts with long sleeves even when it was 30 degrees. That kid that never swum cause he was scared of the water._

_He was different. _

_He'd heard the talks of their parents. He'd seen the looks. How could a respected man as Seamus Brady have a despicable kid like him._

_Brendan looked down at his feet. They didn't reach the ground just yet, he was too small. But he was sure that they would in a few more months. _

_Suddenly something hard hit his head and he fell off the swings onto the ground. _

"_Look! Little Brennie can't even catch a ball."_

_He heard the other children laugh. _

"_Maybe we should teach him how to catch one."_

_Brendan looked up and saw that all children were holding a ball now, ready to throw them at him. "No… Please… Don't…" Brendan muttered, but he knew his pleads wouldn't work. _

_He squeezed his eyes shut and held his hands in front of his face, waiting for the balls to hit him. _

_Out of nowhere he heard that one voice that was always there to save him. "Leave him the hell alone!" _

Brendan woke up, his breathing accelerated, his heart beating fast. He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself. The nails from his hands dug in the armrests of his passenger seat. He looked around and let go of his baited breath. He was in a plane. He sat in a seat next to the window and the two seats beside him were empty. He relaxed a bit, remembering they had been when he first sat himself on this seat. But then two big blue eyes got his attention. They belonged to a small boy, with brown hair, whom was staring at him over the armrest of the seat by the passageway.

Brendan's eyes darkened as he looked at the kid and scolded: "What?"

The eyes of the boy became bigger and he got up quickly, running away. It made Brendan feel like the bad guy.

"Great," he mumbled to himself. He had scared a child, real classy.

He took a deep breath and let go of it again. Then he wiped the sweat from his forehead and let his head rest against his seat.

He always had had these nightmares, but lately they had gotten worse and more frequent. It was freaking him out more than he was willing to admit.

Although this particular dream hadn't been a real nightmare, more a bad dream, a bad memory of his past. Brendan moved his hands over his face. He wished he knew a way to stop these dreams, but it seemed like every time he fell asleep he had a dream or a memory about his past. He couldn't stay awake forever, but sometimes he wished he could.

Just like last night. He hadn't slept all night. It wasn't that strange that he fell asleep on the plane.

He had just been tossing and turning in his bed last night, until he couldn't take it any longer and had left his bed for the couch, with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. He had put the TV on mute and he had just stared at the images. Although he hadn't really paid any attention. His mind had gone back to all the things he'd found out that day. By dawn he had finally fallen in an uneasy sleep and had woken up three hours later with a bad headache and mood.

But he had known what he needed to do. So he had packed a bag and booked the first flight to Northern Ireland. His flight left half past four, so he had had from ten till one to figure out where exactly he needed to go and how to get there.

He wasn't that happy that Cheryl found out he was leaving, but she did, of course she did. Just before he left the house to get to the airport, she caught him sneaking out the door. So he had told her he was going to visit his boys in Ireland. She had frowned her forehead, but used to his sudden departures, she hadn't asked him any further questions.

The only reason he was leaving was because he needed to know, he needed to see with his own eyes if it really happened. Maybe he would find clues there. He just hoped with his whole heart that it wouldn't be the same house on the picture. That he just imagined it. But he knew that his hope was in vain, he knew that it was the same house as on the picture. Someone was playing a sick game with him, but he wasn't just going to let it happen. He was going to do whatever it took to find out who this person was and what he wanted. And the only possible thing he could think of right now, the only lead he had, was that Goddamn house.

It was unfair to Steven to leave like that, without telling him. But he needed to protect the persons he cared about. He needed to protect Steven and if protecting meant pushing him away, then he was willing to do that. Although his whole heart had screamed this morning, before he had sat himself in the cab, that he should go to Steven and talk to him, confide in him, but he didn't. He didn't need Steven to be brought in his problems. He didn't want Steven there. Whatever he was going to find there or see there, he needed to do that on his own. Two people were killed in that house he was going to. That made that place not safe and if there was one thing he wanted most, it was for Steven to be safe.

He looked at his watch. It was 17.25 PM. Just another twenty minutes and he would land in Belfast. The rest of the flight he spent staring out of the window, trying to figure out what he would find in Greysteel when he got there and what he would do if he _would _find something there. Then the pilot announced that they needed to make themselves ready for the landing. On that moment the boy whom had been staring at Brendan when he had been asleep, was back. He looked at Brendan with big blue eyes and Brendan looked back at him, with his dark ones, one eyebrow raised.

"Don't you need to be with your mom or something? We are going to land soon," Brendan scolded.

"I know, mommy told me. Can I sit with you?"

"You wanna sit with me?" Brendan asked surprised and annoyed.

The boy looked at him in all earnest and nodded his head.

"You think your mom is okay with that?"

The kid looked down the rows of seats and waved to somebody, whom Brendan assumed was his mother. "Can I sit with you?"

Brendan was about to argue, but then the plane began his landing, so Brendan was forced to let the kid sit next to him.

"You need to fasten your seat belt kid."

The boy played with the belts, but he didn't know how he had to click them together. Brendan lost his patience, reached out and did it for him, in the meantime mumbling something under his breath.

"Mommy always tells me that cursing is bad."

"O yeah, did she now? Well your mother is a smart woman, kid."

The boy looked up at him and asked: "Why were you talking in your sleep?"

Brendan narrowed his eyes. He had a bad habit of talking in his sleep when he dreamed about something from his past.

"Did I?"

The kid nodded resolute: "Yes. Did you have a nightmare?"

Brendan felt a corner of his mouth twisting, trying to hide his grin. This kid was persistent.

"What's your name kid?"

"Rogan."

"Well Rogan, did your mother not tell you that it is unkind to stare at people when they sleep?"

"She told me it was rude to stare at people, but I wasn't staring, I was looking out for you. Nobody disturbed you when you were sleeping, because I was looking out for you."

Brendan couldn't help but smile a little at the boy's comment. He was clever, this kid. He reminded him a little of Padraig. This kid made him miss his own.

The plane shocked a little when it hit the ground and then he was there, Belfast, Northern Ireland.

"Okay kid, we're here. Time to go back to your mom." he loosened the kids seat belt and the kid jumped up.

"Thanks kiddo, for looking after me." Brendan winked at him and the boy giggled softly and ran away. Brendan sighed, knowing what there was yet to come. But then Rogan appeared again and he said: "I hope there is a friend who looks after you when you sleep."

Brendan smiled lightly, feeling all sorts of emotions. "Thanks kid."

The kid's mum called his name and Rogan left, waving at Brendan.

Brendan got up and left the plane, just like the rest of the people.

He didn't have to pick up his suitcase for he hadn't brought one with him, so he just walked straight through the customs. He left the airport and called for a cab. He needed to rent a car to go to Greysteel, but first he needed something to eat and a place to sleep. He would drive to Greysteel in the morning. It was a better idea to be there when it was light. Brendan sighed heavily, while he sat himself in a cab. Tomorrow was going to be a long and unsatisfying day.

xXx

Brendan parked his car on the side of the road and inhaled deeply. He was here, in Greysteel. He was curious and terrified at the same time about what he would find here. He got out of his car and locked it. He had parked his car a mile away from the place where he had to be. He would walk the rest. He didn't know if there was still an investigation going on, if there would be people, if he could even enter the house. Brendan walked the whole end. He knew exactly where he had to go. He had bought a map of Greysteel when he arrived in the village only twenty minutes ago. It was a big village, but after looking at the map for a few minutes he had found the street of the house. He looked around him. The houses on the side of the road became less and less and eventually he was walking alone on the road with nothing more than trees and farm land around him. The wind freshened and Brendan put the collar of his coat up against the cold. Suddenly something caught his eye. Blue police tape fluttered in the wind and when he continued his way, he saw a ruined house loom up before him.

Brendan walked past the police tape that had been torn off by the wind and finally reached the house. There was not much left of it, only the right wall was still standing. Even a part of the lawn was burned. Small raindrops started to fall down and it made the house just that more frightening. Brendan let his gaze wander around him, there was no one here. He moved his gaze over the ruins of the house. Cold shivers trailed down his spine. Two people were killed here, two people were killed in a house that had been owned by his father, the place where his sister had been playing in the past. He had a photo with the same house, lying in the drawer of his desk, not willing to take it with him, terrified he would lose it. He knew it wasn't a coincidence, but he had no idea what the connection was with this house and what that sick person knew about him and his past.

It started to rain harder as Brendan just stood there looking at the house before him, the house that had belonged to his father.

He didn't quite know how long he stood there, it could've been minutes or hours, but then he realized he needed to look for clues, anything that could help him. He walked carefully closer to the house, quickly looking around him to see if he saw someone, but he was alone. Brendan reached the part where the fire had spread and cautiously put his food down. He walked slowly over the ground, making a creaking sound with every step he took. The roof had partly collapsed on the left side of the house, so he wasn't able to see what was underneath that part, so he walked on, his eyes scanning the surroundings, for anything suspicious. Then he came to a place where there was nothing more than ash and rubble. Brendan started removing things with his hands, to check if there was something underneath it. He looked around him. He recognized a couch and a part of a fireplace. The rain fell down on him making his coat soaking wet, but it seemed like Brendan didn't notice. He walked around the house for an hour or what, trying to find something, forgetting to check his surroundings, forgetting he was in restricted area. He was just looking for something that would tell him whom he was dealing with. Anything out of the ordinary.

He kept on looking and looking, but Brendan saw nothing than ash and rubble and he started to feel desperate. He had to find something, anything! Brendan started to mumble to himself: "There has to be something. There has to be. There has to be!" Brendan looked up into the rain, he felt the drips falling on his face: "Why?! Why me eh?! Why?! Haven't I suffered enough?! Haven't I been through enough?! Can't I be happy for once in my life?!" he kicked at the rubble that was lying around him.

Then he grabbed things of the ground and he started to throw them all around him. His rasping breathing filled his ears, his blood rushed through his veins as he started to lose it. It didn't matter where he was throwing, he couldn't care less. There was nothing here, nothing! He came all this way for nothing!

He threw the last thing he was holding with so much force that he lost his balance and he fell forward on his hands and knees, breathing heavily. His fingers dug into the rubble underneath him. It wasn't fair! Why couldn't people just leave him the hell alone! "Leave me the hell alone!" Brendan yelled over the area.

Then his phone bleeped. Steven. It had to be Steven, he needed to talk to him. Brendan took the phone out of his pocket with trembling fingers. He shouldn't have put his phone off when he landed yesterday. He had listened to Steven's voice over and over again in his hotel room. The voice mail messages had become angrier, but Brendan couldn't care less now. He would give the world if he could hear Steven's voice now. He looked at his phone and wiped the drops from his screen and his heart became cold when he saw that it wasn't Steven's number on the display. All it said was _private number._

He had a text message from an unknown person. Brendan's fingers trembled when he pressed a button to open it, almost knowing what would come next.

_You are looking in the wrong place..._

First Brendan couldn't move at all, he couldn't make sense of the words which were written on his display. But then cold shivers started to run down his spine. This person had his phone number. He knew where he was, what he was doing. Brendan's breathing accelerated, as the panic came over him. He got up and looked bewildered around him, looking for something, a shadow, a shade, something that would tell him that somebody was watching him. But nothing, of course there was nothing. He spit on the ground, bitterly. He needed to go home, he needed to check that everyone was safe, that this person hadn't hurt anybody in the time he had gone away. Brendan moved his hands through his hair and over his face. He needed to go home right now.

Brendan took a few deep breaths and started to walk away from the house, this Goddamn place. He was glad somebody had burned it down to the ground. Then something caught his eye. It was a wooden plank with letters on it. Brendan picked it up and read: 'ruler of the homeland'. He heard Lynsey's words in his head: _"The house was called 'ruler of the homeland', I never forgot that name cause I thought it was such a strange name for a house"._

Brendan looked down at the wood in his hand. His father had given this house its name. The man who had ruined his life, the man who made him the person he was today. Brendan felt a rage of anger for all the pain, hurt, tears, betrayal and loss he had had his whole life. For everything that this place held and what it didn't hold. With full force he broke the wood in half and he threw it away as far as he could, wishing he could do that with everything else.

xXx

Brendan wasn't answering his calls.

Or his texts.

He'd even left him five voicemail messages.

But nothing. No call, no text.

Brendan had just left.

He had just left without any explanation about why or where he was going.

And Ste hadn't even known that he was gone. No! He had to find out through Cheryl! He'd told his sister, but telling his boyfriend? Nope. Brendan couldn't even let him know that he was going out of the country for a few days. It was always like that with Brendan. You finally thought you had gotten somewhere, that you had taken a step forward, but somehow you always seemed to have taken ten steps back.

"Fuck you Brendan," Ste cursed under his breath. He zipped up his jacket till the edge of his collar and placed his arms around his body. It was damn cold. And that in September.

There was one thing Ste knew for sure now. There was more going on than Brendan had told him. Maybe it was something Brendan had found out after their talk, but that still didn't give Brendan the right to leave the country without telling him. Brendan should be glad that he wasn't here right now cause Ste would freaking kill him.

Three days! Brendan had been gone for three days already! Three days without any contact. As far as Ste knew Brendan could be death.

No. No. No! Ste thought, grinding his teeth. Don't go there. Brendan has just left without telling you. He doesn't deserve you being worried sick about him. And when he returns (and he will return!) you can tell him exactly what kind of stupid asshole he is for leaving without mentioning it to you.

Ste sighed and unlocked the front door of Chez Chez with Joel's keys. He'd told Joel that Brendan had asked him to get something out of the club. At first Joel had refused to give him the keys, but it had been easy to persuade him. The only thing Ste had to do was remind him that Brendan wouldn't be pleased if he found out that Joel hadn't done what Ste had told him to.

And Brendan said he wasn't a good lair.

He relocked the door behind him and climbed the stairs to the higher level of the club.

Brendan was keeping something from him and he was going to find out what.

Ste entered the small office.

The only place where Brendan would keep something important was here. He wouldn't keep it at home in case that Cheryl would have the sudden urge to clean up and find something in his room.

He looked around the office and suddenly felt the stupid urge to sit in Brendan's desk chair. He dropped into the chair and after a moment of hesitation, he threw his feet on the desk like he'd seen Brendan do so often. If Brendan could have seen him right now he would have bawled at him because he was sitting in _his_ chair, let alone the fact that his feet were lying on the desk with his dirty shoes. Ste smiled lightly. He could almost hear Brendan's low voice, the Irish accent thicker whenever he was annoyed.

But Brendan wasn't here and Ste was here for a reason. He opened the top drawer of the desk. There had to be something in here. He was sure of that.

He checked different maps, looked at different papers and notes that were scratched at edges. Just when Ste started to think that he had to look at a different place, that maybe he had to check Brendan's room, there was something that caught his eye.

Was that… a picture?

xXx

Cheryl opened the door and was surprised to see Ste standing in the portal.

He seemed nervous and wetted his lips before he asked: "Can I come in? I would like to talk."

"Sure," Cheryl said. She stepped aside so Ste could pass her and closed the door before she turned around.

"You want some tea?"

Ste stood uncomfortable in the middle of the room and looked up when he heard her question "No. You're alright."

Cheryl rubbed her hands and waited for Ste to speak, but when he didn't she asked: "You heard anything from Brendan?"

"No…" Ste cleared his throat, "You?"

Cheryl shook her head, but when she saw his disappointed face, she added: "Look Ste I know my brother. The reason he left for Ireland… I'm sure it has nothing to do with you. You've no idea how happy… How happy he seems to be since you made up. He might have been a little absent the last few days, but I'm sure it's because he still has to get used to this." She made a vague gesture in the space in front of Ste. "He has never been in a relationship with another man before. Give him time."

"Yeah... time," Ste mumbled bitter.

"Are you sure you don't want a cuppa? I just made some," Cheryl said, while walking to the kitchen. She poured two mugs and before Ste could decline she placed one in his hands.

Ste turned the glass around in his hand, before looking up to Cheryl, who was leaning against the counter. "Cheryl? Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, anything you like love," she said, taking a sip of her tea.

"Does thirteen September 1991 ring a bell with you? "

Cheryl paled and started couching, choking on her tea.

Her reaction told him all he needed to know.

Ste took a step towards Cheryl. "It does, doesn't it?"

Cheryl placed her mug on the counter and shook her head, avoiding Ste's fierce gaze. "No, you're wrong. Thirteen septe- that date… It means… It means nothing to me."

Ste glanced at Cheryl's hands, which were trembling slightly.

"Yes it does. Don't lie to me. I saw your reaction. You flinched when I mentioned it."

Cheryl shook her head again, she seemed almost scared to look at Ste. "I think it's time for you to go."

"Cheryl." Ste took a step closer, stretching out his hand to calm her down, but she turned her head away and he dropped his hand.

"What aren't you telling me?"

"Can you please just go?" Ste could almost hear the tears in her voice.

For a moment Ste was conflicted. He needed to know, he needed to know what the matter was with that date. It scared Cheryl and it had something to do with Brendan. This date was the reason that Brendan had left, but why? What did it mean? And who would know something that happened so many years ago? Brendan obviously didn't want him to know, otherwise he would have told him. And right now Cheryl wouldn't tell him anything either. Once again he was left in the dark.

Finally Ste put his glass on the counter, turned around and walked over to the door. Just before he could leave there was a voice that stopped him.

"Ste?" Ste turned so he could look at Brendan's sister, her eyes were wet. "Yeah?"

"Please… Whatever you do, don't mention this date to Brendan."

Ste had the nasty feeling his lungs were being squeezed. "Why?"

"Cause it will destroy him."

xXx

"Keep the change."

Brendan picked up his overnight bag and stepped out of the taxi. Three day ago he'd left for Ireland and he was finally back.

Home sweet home.

He threw his overnight bag over his shoulder and climbed the stairs leading to his house.

Inside he found Cheryl, seated on the couch, looking at some kind of TV show.

"Chez, I'm back."

She seemed to be startled by him and placed her hand against her heart.

Brendan cocked up an eyebrow. "Bad conscience?"

"No, course not. Why would I?" Cheryl stammered quickly.

Brendan looked oddly at his sister. "Chez, that was a joke."

Cheryl smiled half-heartedly, "Yeah, I knew that."

She stood up, walked towards her brother and threw her arms around his neck. "I missed you."

Brendan answered her embrace, slightly surprised by her sudden shown of affection and murmured in her hair, "Anything happened in the time I was gone?"

For a moment Cheryl stiffened in his arms, before she broke of the embrace and walked to the kitchen. "No. You know, same old, same old. There never really happens anything worth mentioning here."

Brendan hung his coat on the coat rack and sat down on the edge of the couch. He took his mobile out of his pocket and looked at the text. _You're looking in the wrong place. _

The whole journey to that god forsaken house had been a waste of time. After leaving Greysteel, he'd spent one more day in Northern Ireland, just feeling the need to compose himself before going home. He'd considered staying for a few more days, but the sudden need to see Cheryl and especially Steven had been too strong. He had needed to know they were okay. So he'd booked a flight and left. He'd thought that coming home would help him calm down a bit, that it would make him feel better, but being here unnerved him, it made him feel restless. At least when he'd been on his own he didn't have to pretend that everything was okay.

Cheryl made some noise in the kitchen and asked: "So did you see them?"

"Who?" Brendan asked confused, following Cheryl to the kitchen.

"You know Declan and Paddy. You went to visit them, right?" Right. He'd told her he was going to visit his kids. He'd almost forgotten. That reminded him that he hadn't told Steven anything at all and suddenly he was overtaken by guilt.

Brendan massaged his temples. "Yeah. It's was great. It had been too long since I last saw them."

Cheryl glanced at him and smiled.

He had to ask her. Brendan was suddenly nervous. He needed to know if Steven was alright. He needed to know that nothing had happened to him in the time he had been gone. Brendan cleared his throat uneasy: "Have you spoken to Steven since I left?"

Brendan heard the sound of breaking glass and saw that Cheryl had dropped her mug.

What was the matter with her? For a moment it seemed like there had been panic in her eyes when he'd mentioned Steven. Had he made a mistake by leaving the boy behind? Had something happened to Steven in the time that he was gone?

Brendan tried to make his voice sound casual, although a feeling of panic overtook him, as he asked: "So did you talk to him?"

Cheryl nodded, leaning against the counter. "Yeah, I talked to him this morning."

Brendan felt the relieve rush through him. Steven was alright.

He stood up and walked over to Cheryl. She made a move to clean up the shards, but he pushed her gently aside. "Let me." He grabbed a floor brush and a dustpan and cleaned up the mess his sister had made.

Brendan threw the broken glass in the garbage bin and ran a hand through his hair. "Did he seem alright when you saw him or-"

Cheryl bit her lower lip. "I think you should leave him alone."

Brendan felt slight irritation coming up. "What? Why?" But then he remembered that he'd no right to be annoyed. The boy had. And knowing Steven he would be very pissed. Brendan would have been angry too if Steven had left without telling him. And the boy wasn't stupid. He knew that there was something wrong. He was partly aware of the things that were going on in Brendan's life. He wouldn't believe the lie about visiting his kids. Steven knew him too well for that.

Brendan knew he should have told Steven about where he was going, but the boy would have insisted on going with him and the old feeling that he had to keep Steven out of these kind of businesses had been too strong. If something would happen to him then- Brendan shook his head to lose that image. He didn't want to think about that. It had been in Steven's best interest that he hadn't told him. Although Steven would never see it that way. He would see it as a sign of distrust. He wouldn't want to understand that Brendan just wanted to protect him.

"I don't think it's a good idea-" Cheryl stopped in the middle of her sentence. After a short pause she said: "maybe you should wait till he has cooled off. He's pretty mad at you."

Brendan looked inquisitively at her. He could understand that Steven was angry, but why would she recommend him to stay away from Steven? Wasn't she the one who had always cheered for them? The one who always told him to make it right when he'd done something wrong? Before he'd left she'd even told him to go to Steven and tell him that he was leaving for a few days. Why would she suddenly tell him to stay away?

"You two had a fight or something?"

Cheryl's head shot up. "No. Why would you think that? Ste and I are fine."

"Okay," Brendan soothed. But her reaction told him that they were the opposite of fine. She was acting really strange and it had something to do with Steven. She knew something and whatever it was it made her think that it was better if he stayed away from Steven. The boy had told her something. Something he wasn't supposed to tell her. Brendan clenched his teeth. He had to talk to Steven.

xXx

He knocked hard on the door.

"Steven, open up."

He waited for a moment, but when the door didn't open he knocked again. "Steven."

A few seconds later the door was opened by Steven, who didn't look particular pleased to see him.

"So you're back."

Brendan glanced at Steven, there was a clear anger in his eyes. Well he wasn't the only one being angry. "Yes, are you alone?" He didn't wait for an answer, but just pushed Steven aside and walked in.

The door closed with a bang and footsteps followed him into the living room.

"What do you think you're doing? I can't remember inviting you in."

Brendan turned around. "We need to talk."

"Oh, suddenly we do need to talk?" Steven snarled. "The last time we talked you forgot to mention that you were going out of the country for days. You better come up with a good explanation or I'll make sure that there's nothing left to talk about."

Brendan cocked up an eyebrow. "Are you done?"

"NO! I haven't even started! You think you can just waltz in and out of my live like that?! Well let me tell you something Brendan. I am your boyfriend now. We're in a relationship. And you know what that means?! It means that you trust one another! It means that you SHARE stuff with each other! If you can't even do that, we might as well quit!"

Despite himself Brendan couldn't suppress a slight feeling of panic at Steven's words. "So you wanna break up with me."

"NO! That's so like you. The moment things get rough you walk away," Steven snarled hard and cold and he shook his head, like he couldn't really belief what he was hearing. "Well not this time Brendan. You can't just bail out on me just because you have problems. Being in a relationship also means that you stand by each other even when things get rough. It means… that I'll stand by you. Even when you're fucking selfish prick, who needs to be slapped some sense into. I'll stand by you, no matter what." Steven took a deep breath, "Because that's what you do when you love someone."

Love. He just used to word love. Brendan felt the anger leak out of him like a balloon losing all its air until only the empty shell remained. Suddenly he felt nothing but a terrible tiredness that had nothing to do with the fact that he'd barely slept in days. He felt defeated. Steven loved him. He loved him. For weeks, months even, that was the only words he'd truly wanted to hear. But now? After everything that had happened?

The truth was that he loved Steven back. He loved him back with all his heart and it scared the hell out of him. How could you not fear love with all its traps and backstabbing. The people you loved were the only ones who could do your real damage. Love was something that stabbed you in the back whenever it had the chance, whenever you forgot to pay attention. If you loved someone it meant that someone had gotten under your skin. Love meant that someone had a grip on your heart and if, even for one moment, you forgot to pay attention, that hand could squeeze together and crush your heart until there's nothing left but dust. Love destroyed. In the end the few people he had ever really loved and trusted had left him. They had let him down. So he'd learned to let them down first. Never let anyone get that close to you. Let nobody get there. Let no one enter your heart. All they will do is destroy you.

But somehow, unintentionally, Steven had found his way inside. He'd entered Brendan's heart. And Brendan wouldn't watch how anyone would rip him away. How anyone would tear him apart, like they had done to Brendan. He would rather die than see Steven getting hurt.

Steven seemed to find a different meaning in his silence and smiled bravely. "Bren. It's alright. It's okay if you can't say it back."

"You're really mad, aren't you?" Brendan heard himself say, not knowing where the words were coming from.

He saw the confusion on Steven's face. "Sorry?"

"Why the hell would you love me? After everything I've done to you?"

A stubborn expression appeared on Steven's face and he said: "To be honest I have no idea. I know I probably shouldn't. But I love you, I choose you. And I will never regret it."

And for the very first time it hit Brendan that he really needed to do this, tell him. Not for his own sake, but for Steven's. It was the only way.

He'd always believed in Brendan. He'd always believed that there was something good there, inside his heart. Long time Brendan had believed that there was nothing but darkness inside of him, and maybe there had been. But Steven had changed that. Steven had touched him with his light, with his love, and he'd created something good inside of Brendan. Steven had given him some of his light. Cause that was what the boy did. He made the world a little bit better. And Brendan couldn't bare it if anyone took that away from him, he couldn't bare it. He couldn't see that light be destroyed.

Two people had died because of him. He didn't know who or why. If he couldn't find out who his enemy was, then how was he supposed to protect Steven from them? His world wasn't a save one. It never would be. Steven said that loving someone meant that you stood by them, even in the worst periods. But loving someone also meant that you would protect them, no matter what the cost. No matter what the consequences. It would break the boy's heart if he told him the truth. But it was for the best. He couldn't put him in danger. He needed to keep Steven safe. And if keeping Steven safe meant that he had to break the boy's heart than that was what he had to do.

Brendan lifted his head and his eyes met Steven's. His own heart would break with him.

"Once you've heard what I've gotta to say to you, you might change your mind."


End file.
